shit that looks like an onion article but isn't

("wacky"/weird news does not apply)

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/donald-j-trump/my-new-golf-course-a-sour_b_323741.html

I was mentioned in the Press & Journal once - that should give you an idea of how prestigious Mr Trump's historian is.

Anyway, is that entire site an Onion parody?

lol comments

"As a leader of Intimacy Retreats and the author of Tantric Sex for Busy Couples: How to Deepen Your Passion in Just Ten Minutes a Day, I always recommend that couples schedule time for intimacy."

While over 90% of the locals, politicians, businesses and top historians support my project\\

lol

LOL at that trump article

http://www.thedeclaration.org/article/more-just-secondhand-news

I know what you’re thinking. I don’t want to read another review of that frickken Phish show! Plus I can totally download the concert for free off the internet. HELLZ NO. Last week, I saw Fleetwood Fucking Mac, and it was the greatest night of my life, and I’m going to tell you all about how much it ruled.

http://grab.by/2ywT

also file under "shit that looks like a hipster runoff post but isn't"

file under 'headlines that would've made absolutely no sense to anyone 15 years ago'

"Fast-growing public fighting memes" is a pretty big category.

can you imagine actually reading an explanation of why this particular public fight meme has had an accelerated rate of adoption compared to other public fight memes?

Is there even another public fight meme other than bumfights? I remember that grew pretty fast...

pretty much every article by the DPRK's news service

http://www.forbes.com/2010/02/23/flint-autos-toyota-business-recall.html?boxes=Homepagelighttop

http://images.forbes.com/media/commentary/jflint.jpg

http://www.earthtimes.org/articles/show/309172,report-taxi-driver-remake-mulled-by-scorcese-von-trier.html

http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-silicone-bullet25-2010feb25,0,1532754.story

no, von trier, nooooooo!

http://img265.imageshack.us/img265/8057/theage.jpg

Grandpa Wins $10000 iTunes Gift Card

"Socially alert student poet unimpressed by conformity"

I would like to see von Trier incorporate all these stories into his Taxi Driver remake.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1254205/High-noon-Stamford-Bridge-John-Terry-comes-face-face-man-betrayed-shake-hands.html

The entire dailymail site had some choice cuts but I went with this one.

http://www.philly.com/philly/news/pennsylvania/20100228_Thieves_take_jewelry__leave_child_at_Phila__store.html

lol @ comments on stan's article.

i like to read this thread title like:

shit! that looks like an onion article but isn't

http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/03/22/real.men.eat.salad/index.html?hpt=Mid

(CNN) -- Real men eat salads. I know this because I am a dude. Right now, in my fridge, I have five bottles of hot sauce, a jar of Cheez Whiz and half a pack of hot dogs. But recently I went to lunch with a couple of buds, and I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard.

It was a basic frissée salad with bacon, shallots and a poached egg, tossed in a light vinaigrette. Frissée is a curly, toothsome leaf, bitter enough to balance bacon and egg but still possessed of a pleasant spring.

My friends laughed at me. They pointed. One ordered a burger, the other fried calamari. I was chastised for not eating "man food."

For those of you who aren't familiar with this gender normative term, "man food" is food that you'd imagine a lumberjack or a cowboy or a Viking would eat. Towers of butter-soaked pancakes. Pots of napalm-hot chili. Meat on a bone.

Thoroughly unsubtle, "man food" is rustic fare meant to satisfy a hearty appetite. Quantity is prized over quality. Calories are "fun points." The more "fun points," the tastier the belly filler.

But sometimes a dude needs a change. Specifically, a salad. A fresh, crisp, crunchy salad. Salads offer breathers between manly meals. Spinach, cucumber, tomato, red onions, mushrooms, chickpeas, oil and vinegar -- that is my usual jam.

I don't need any fancy, goopy dressings compromising my vegetables. (What does a ranch actually taste like, anyway?) Sometimes, I might throw some almonds or walnuts up in there. I've been known to be down with blueberries and mandarin oranges. I like bacon or grilled chicken on occasion. I am not a fan of unnecessary carbs like croutons. And then there are those moments I go crazy and get a frissée freakin' salad.

I didn't evolve without help. There was a time where, if I cut myself shaving, I'd bleed sausage gravy. My heart squeezed more than it pumped. And I also grew what I call "fat wings."

Luckily, the woman I was dating at that time didn't like any of those things. Being able to sit in a bathtub full of buffalo wings is every dude's birthright, but I eventually learned that being attractive for your significant other is also pretty manly.

My girlfriend was a smart woman and didn't bring up my devolving into a human biscuit. What she did was announce that we were going to save money so that Saturday nights, we could go to the local barbecue joint and destroy some cow with our faces.

Obviously, my first thought was, "Aww, she wants me to help her lose weight." So I humored her. She came home from the supermarket with a stack of plastic disposable containers. In each, she put one potential salad ingredient. Not only the ones that would become my favorite but kidney beans, green peppers, corn and pepperoni slices.

She created a mini-salad bar in our fridge. It was easy, and I was told I could eat as much as I wanted. This became my lunch and occasional dinner.

You know what? We saved money. I lost weight. Gained energy. And my girlfriend and I, well, let's just say we had the whoopee time.

I kept this up this salad-centric diet for months. My friends would come over to watch a fight or brawl on the PlayStation, and I'd meet them at the door with a salad in my hand.

The landlord would need my help with some drywall; I'd put my salad down.

At work, I'd articulate corporate strategy during lunch meetings spearing cucumbers in my lucky bowl of awesome salad. I made eating salad sexy. I made it macho, macho.

Is it rabbit food? Friend, if it's rabbit food, then that rabbit is the size of a ferocious bear.

My friends poked fun at me as I munched on my fancy salad. It was tasty. I love how the warm yolk from the poached egg lightly coated the frissée, adding a dimension of hardiness to a dish with such leafy bounce. And the bacon chunks added just the right amount of fatty salt, more sturdy ballast. I wiped my mouth.

We were out celebrating one guy's birthday. The other guy, an old friend from college, was "in-between gigs." It had been another tough year. "Salad is not man food," they mocked. Oh, but it is. I ordered a final round of beers. Then I picked up the check.

Are salads manly? What is the manliest salad? Are you the sort of guy who wouldn't touch a salad if a gun was put to his head? Tell us in the comments whether you think salads can count as "man food."

where to start

I love how the warm yolk from the poached egg lightly coated the frissée, adding a dimension of hardiness to a dish with such leafy bounce. And the bacon chunks added just the right amount of fatty salt, more sturdy ballast. I wiped my mouth.

YUM YUM

Is that an Anderson Cooper piece?

Being able to sit in a bathtub full of buffalo wings is every dude's birthright

Who does this?

why doesnt he just call it a salad lyonnaise

good salad btw--i saw jacques pepin make one once on PBS, he poached the egg in like 2 inches of olive oil

where to start

― call all destroyer, Tuesday, March 23, 2010 4:38 PM

I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard.

"Salad is not man food," they mocked. Oh, but it is. I ordered a final round of beers. Then I picked up the check.

pooping before bathing in your tub of buffalo wings

but what about:

And my girlfriend and I, well, let's just say we had the whoopee time.
And my girlfriend and I, well, let's just say we had the whoopee time.
And my girlfriend and I, well, let's just say we had the whoopee time.
And my girlfriend and I, well, let's just say we had the whoopee time.
And my girlfriend and I, well, let's just say we had the whoopee time.
And my girlfriend and I, well, let's just say we had the whoopee time.
And my girlfriend and I, well, let's just say we had the whoopee time.
And my girlfriend and I, well, let's just say we had the whoopee time.

And my girlfriend and I, well, let's just say we had the whoopee time.

xpost HA!

Calories are "fun points." The more "fun points," the tastier the belly filler.

"""""""""fun points"""""""""

this guy needs to advertise his services, like:

john devore, a local "dude," will talk to you about what is manly and how it is different from what you might think.

first of all, i want to know why this is on cnn.com? what is the market for this? do people read articles on cnn.com aside from actual news?

secondly, how is it that articles like this get pitched/accepted/assigned like... 5 years after a meme like "man food" became a "thing". if you had shown the text of this to me undated i would've been all "no way this was written after 2005, not a chance"

had no idea that calories were fun points. i mean, i like fun!

http://www.esquire.com/blogs/lists/reasons-why-chocolate-drink-yoohoo-rocks-blog

Maybe once age and decrepitude have strip-mined by palette, I'll think about swilling a Yoo-Hoo. The risk-taking of a convalescent. But even then, I doubt I'll wrap my wrinkled lips around a Yoo-Hoo jar.

Read more: http://www.esquire.com/blogs/lists/reasons-why-chocolate-drink-yoohoo-rocks-blog#ixzz0j2EUvn70

someone get howie long to comment on this

uuuuuuuuuuughh did he really say "whoopee time" -- was this even edited? C'MON MAN

okay, so maybe it's satire!

maybe?

no

http://www.johndevore.com/

i mean look at the guy

he says he's a satirist so it must be satire

take him down on twitter j0rdan s. like you took down JOSE CANSECO

i have to know if he has kids

is it possible that he trojan horsed cnn?

He's Facebook friends with ghost rider.

someone get howie long to comment on this

lol.

how's your little mansalad there, john.

Editor's note: John DeVore is a former editor at Maxim magazine and maxim.com and former host of "The DeVore and Diana Show" on Sirius XM radio. He currently offers man-centric perspectives as a columnist at Guyspeak.com and TheFrisky.com. He's a lifelong food freak and yo-yo dieter and speaks fluent "dude."

hmmmm

omg fuck this guy

shit that looks like an onion website but isn't

http://www.guyspeak.com/

If a guy confines a girl to the friend zone, does that always mean he finds her unattractive?
Panama Jackson answered this question on March 23, 2010 12:00 PM

Not at all. You can be the most attractive woman on Earth and be relegated to the friend zone. You see, you might ALSO be batsh*t crazy. There's no easier way to end up in the friend zone then pure insanity.

You see, ugly women end up in the friend zone by default. They don't get put there. They just live there because most men will not attempt to romance or win the love of a busted broad.

And even still, attractive women pretty much have to go way far out there to end up in the friend zone. Men will put up with a lot from attractive women. We'll deal with her strange comments and terrible taste in music. We'll build really big wooden horses and storm beaches until one of our homeboy's gets shot in his why-are-you-famous achilles heel. But there is always a point where you've gone too far. And it varies by man.

For instance, I couldn't deal with a really hot chick that got violent after being drunk. And I mean violent with pool sticks and throwing kettles into pots to make formal introductions.

So inconclusion, read my lips. If you're in the friend zone, it's probably not just because you are unattractive. You might be hot. It's probably because you are insane.

Thank you and good night.

It was written.

oh dear God

lol oh boy

http://www.guyspeak.com/personas/reformed-player/

o_O

Didn't Dave Eggers used to freelance/edit Maxim or some lad mag?

Esquire

Eggers worked briefly at Esquire, which is a men's magazine but a touch classier than Maxim.

That seems a bit like saying Playboy is a touch classier than Juggs.

esquire occasionally has some good stuff

Esquire used to (and maybe still does) run fiction and long form essays--don't think Maxim ever has. Esquire has gotten a lot trashier in the past few years, but still.

maxim = #1 source for biting satire

http://shirleytemplebar.files.wordpress.com/2008/09/maxim-laceychabert2.jpg

This guy's shit reads so much like he's trying to overcompensate for complete lack of balls imo.

IM A MAN WOMEN ARE CRAZY SLUTS PS I EAT SALAD

I mean wtf.

For those of you who aren't familiar with this gender normative term

glad this guy went to college!

lollll

Police: Shirtless man with sword 'hunting werewolves'

Should we tell Mr. Smedley?

Schizophrenic, Psychotic or Meth?

Why not a trifecta, really.

now why would you make fun of someone who's trying to protect us all?

I'm philolycanthropic that way.

The man disarmed himself without incident

Given the circumstances, a certain Monty Python sketch comes to mind.

hey look esquire still publishes fiction. and look who it is. Mr. Columbia MFA program

http://www.esquire.com/fiction/james-franco-fiction-0410

saw that in the magazine, quit reading when I saw:

Joe sucks off his cigarette.

Aside from general juvenile LOLs I can't believe no one in his MFA program or at Esquire saw that and suggested he look for an alternate phrasing.

that has to be intentionally worded that way

gee, do you think

Do any of you feel like correcting Mr. Franco's work like that one guy did to Dan Brown?

its not all that bad a story? i dont know if it wouldve been published if it werent franco but really its not dan brown-level

not very onion-esque either

sorry am0n

;-)

Police: Shirtless man with sword 'hunting werewolves'

― Ned Raggett, Wednesday, March 24, 2010 11:54 AM

haha C.H.U.D.s

the black gaping gap

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/terrorism-in-the-uk/7510350/Terrorists-could-use-exploding-breast-implants-to-blow-up-jet.html

http://htmlgiant.com/craft-notes/james-franco-edited-by-the-tyrant/#more-30210

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ug5U9uBi8uA

That's kind of like the onion though - it's a funny campaign by a dairy consortium (you're weak because you don't drink enough milk, etc).

haha, so it is

I kept on thinking though, if it's gonna take 2-30 weeks for delivery, that milk is going to be pretty gross by the time it gets to you

man, milk be doing virals huh?

Pizza Pizza Royalty Income Fund and Pizza Pizza Limited Announce the Passing of Pizza Pizza's Chief Executive Officer 8:16 AM EST

Spotting this in the print edition today:
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/science/medicine/article7080666.ece

Perhaps a bit more Iannucci than Onion.

Police sting involving rabbit costume sparks criticism in Glendale.

“One of the violators said he was confused by it,” Sgt. Dennis Smith told the News-Press. “He said he hopped in front of him.”

If only they had picked a bee costume for their sting, it would have been a lot less confusing.

http://www.cnn.com/2010/SHOWBIZ/Music/04/27/mia.music.video/index.html?hpt=T2

M.I.A. music video elicits strong online response

By Lisa Respers France, CNN

(CNN) -- If singer/rapper M.I.A.'s purpose was to get people talking about her new single "Born Free," she succeeded.

The Sri Lankan-born artist debuted the graphic video on Monday. Immediately, fans took to social media to debate its scenes of military force, violence and brutality.

"M.I.A. is a provocateur and someone who tries to rile people up in a variety of ways," said Saul Austerlitz, author of "Money for Nothing: A History of the Music Video from the Beatles to the White Stripes."

"I think one of the main routes that she takes to that end is the political, and this video has a lot of political resonances, things like Guantanamo, the Iraqi insurgency and the Taliban all sort of jumbled together and rebranded."

The almost nine-minute video for the song from her upcoming album includes nudity as well as scenes of brutality. Directed by filmmaker Romain Gavras, the video revolves around the rounding up of red-headed young men by a group of military commandos.

At one point, a boy is shot point-blank in the head and another young man is blown to pieces. YouTube reportedly yanked the video in light of its content.

Sasha Pasulka, managing editor for pop culture website "Evil Beet," said M.I.A. couldn't have played the publicity game better.

"It's much better for her that YouTube pulled it because now she gets to rant about that," Pasulka said.

And rant the artist did. She took to her official Twitter account to berate her record label, Universal Music Group, for the video being pulled.

"(Expletive) UMG WHO WONT SHOW IT ON YOUTUBE!" she wrote before tweeting four minutes later "OK NOT UMG FAULT!"

A request by CNN for comment from M.I.A.'s publicist did not receive a response.

Pasulka said M.I.A. is following the tradition established by artists such as Michael Jackson in using a longer video as a means of artistic expression. And while it is not clear exactly what message M.I.A. is trying to get across, Pasulka said it is obvious she is trying to provoke thought among viewers.

"If you look at M.I.A.'s life, there is a history of political activism," Pasulka said. "She's the daughter of a revolutionary who fought for an independent state in Sri Lanka, so she is obviously trying to make a political statement."

On Twitter, fans like one who goes by the moniker "ziggy0stardust" appealed to the artist for her inspiration by writing "@ M.I.A. can u tell us what u were tryin (sic) to say wiv (sic) the born free vid please" while other reactions ranged from those like "Hadge" who wrote "I just watched M.I.A.'s new music video for "Born Free" and now I feel like throwing up. What an awful, awful video" to those like SEFGray who tweeted "M.I.A's Born Free video blew me away, along with the actors."

MTV.com writer James Montgomery hailed M.I.A. for the unflinching video.

"Yes, it's brutal and at times a bit overly dramatic, but it's also a form of political protest, a downright subversive bit of art created by an artist on a major label, Interscope," Montgomery wrote.

Austerlitz pointed out that the video's director is the son of Costa Gavras, a noted filmmaker whose work has also blended politics and entertainment. M.I.A.'s video also took inspiration from the 1971 film "Punishment Park," written and directed by Peter Watkins, Austerlitz said.

"['Punishment Park' is] a movie about a totalitarian state where young people are rounded up, brought out to a deserted area and essentially told if they could outrun the police, they could live, but that the police would basically be hunting them," Austerlitz said.

"It's sort of a dystopian look at late '60s American protests and student movements," Austerlitz added. "It's clear that the second half of the video has been taken almost shot for shot from that film.

In an age where so many musicians are trying to break free from the pack and be viewed as artists with something to say, Pasulka said M.I.A. may have succeeded in generating even more buzz than the industry's current poster girl for all things provocative -- Lady GaGa.

"I would say she out-GaGaed Lady GaGa," Pasulka said. "This has the potential for even more coverage than all of the interest that surrounded 'Telephone.' "

key passage:

And while it is not clear exactly what message M.I.A. is trying to get across, Pasulka said it is obvious she is trying to provoke thought among viewers.

"If you look at M.I.A.'s life, there is a history of political activism," Pasulka said. "She's the daughter of a revolutionary who fought for an independent state in Sri Lanka, so she is obviously trying to make a political statement."

"...Continued Pasulka, 'We just don't know what about.'"

Can we quit acting all surprised that an artist would make a vague and unreadable political statement?

can we quit acting like it is acceptable for an artist to make a vague and unreadable political statement

why should we?

i love that Green Day can makes two critically acclaimed albums of vague political statements but everyone's up M.I.A.'s ass

i think a lot of people were up green day's ass, unless you discount, like, rolling stone & spin

like, the whole of this message board, for instance

Green Day never tweeted something like:

P4KTWITTERTAKEOVA M.I.A AYAMMAYA CONNECTED TO THE GOOGLE CONNECTED TO THE GOVERNMENT _IVVVVI____SIGNIN OFF http://twitpic.com/1iqlnk #miap4k

iirc

R MY C/LOK KEYS REALLY REALLY REALLLLLLLLLLY OFFENDING U OK ILL TAKE THEM OFF ▖ ▗ ▘ ▙ ▚ ▛ ▜ ▝ ▞ ▟ ▀▖ ▗ ▘ ▙ ▚ ▛ ▜ ▝ ▞ ▟ ▀▁ ▂ ▃ ▆ ▇ █ #miap4k

god it's 2:15 AM why am i awake

i don't see the connection, but in the defense of the twitter thing, like, her publicist obv pretty much forced her to tweet all day from pitchfork's twitter, so i think we can ease up on the "omg mia is being so retarded!" aspect of that whole stunt

not sure what i would've done in the same situation, is what i'm saying -- probably tweeted in oj da juiceman patois

chewbacca flocka flame

i don't see the connection

there was none, i'm just exhausted and should've been in bed two hours ago

i have no idea what i would've done if i had the reigns of their twitter -- link to some good metal, maybe?

yeah, seriously.

telling people abut bands you like instead of just shouting fucking gibberish in all caps would be an awesome start

yeah. or books! or painters! or something!

websites! videos! an infinite list of stuff

i love that Green Day can makes two critically acclaimed albums of vague political statements but everyone's up M.I.A.'s ass

yeah, you know I love green day more than M.I.A.!!!!!!!

Can we quit acting all surprised that an artist would make a vague and unreadable political statement?

― he's always been a bit of an anti-climb Max (jon /via/ chi 2.0), Tuesday, April 27, 2010 9:53 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark

i was more just amused by the hapless tone of that article and the quotes from the "music video expert" within it.

http://www.nypost.com/p/news/international/sniper_kills_qaeda_from_mi_away_sTm0xFUmJNal3HgWlmEgRL

omg @ first line

comments on that story are :/

but yes, the first line is amazing.

http://techcrunch.com/2010/04/11/dear-authors-your-next-book-should-be-an-app-not-an-ibook/

dear cody brown: stfu

ahahaha that is bringing the serious lols

What do you think would have happened if George Orwell had the iPad? Do you think he would have written for print then copy and pasted his story into the iBookstore? If this didn’t work out well, do you think he would have complained that there aren’t any serious-readers anymore? No. He would have looked at the medium, then blown our minds.

...

Why not make it like a game so that in order to get to the next ‘chapter’ you need to pass a test? Does the content of the book even need to be created entirely by me? Can I leave some parts of it open to edit by those who buy it and read it? Do I need to charge $9.99, or can I charge $99.99?

...

I’m 21

He would have looked at the medium, then blown our minds.

i mean, just looked at it.

I mean I don't necessarily disagree with him and look forward to the creation of new mediums for art & expression but are you really gonna big up GEORGE ORWELL as some sort of misunderstood literary anarchist who just didn't have the proper tools to express himself with at the time

if only John Betjeman had had the chance to write interactive e-poems with jaunty animated buttons, popup quizzes and livejournal-synced polls

imagine if james joyce has had access to the internet

if only george orwell had the means to charge $99.99 for his books :(

http://www.press-citizen.com/article/20100505/NEWS01/5050323/1079

He would have looked at the medium, then blown our minds.
i mean, just looked at it.

http://whenitstrikesme.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/04/recognize-miracles.gif

Records also show that Poulson was cited for assault in 2007 for throwing a dead cat through a McDonald's drive-through window in Cedar Rapids in late 2006.

okay that is funny

orwell probably just woulda been an awesome blogger

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/special/opinions/outlook/spring-cleaning/internet-memes.html

(Please note the identity of the author at the end of the article.)

http://i41.tinypic.com/29djktx.png

The fuck.

quiddities and agonies etc

That would be my favorite Onion article ever, if it indeed was one. Instead I'm just sitting here shaking my head and quietly weeping.

http://events.nytimes.com/2010/05/12/dining/reviews/12rest.html

No reservations are taken, so unless you eat in daylight or draw good luck, there’s going to be a wait for a table, time spent standing at a bar that was crowded when you arrived and will be when you leave. Also, as the waiters will tell you when you do get a seat, the food comes out when the kitchen prepares it, according to the kitchen’s own needs and schedule, which means there is no real structure to the meals.

just now on google news:

"Why My Skinny Jeans Don't Give You the Right to Rape Me "

http://www.boingboing.net/2010/05/13/bootsy-collins-launc.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed:+boingboing/iBag+(Boing+Boing)

Because a groove is a terrible thing to waste, this sonic learning institution will be unlike anything before, as Professor Collins and the finest bassists in music will unleash an intense curriculum, on the web, for intermediate to advanced funk disciples within the program.

i mean that's like a whisker away from http://www.theonion.com/articles/national-funk-congress-deadlocked-on-get-upget-dow,625/ and http://www.theonion.com/articles/clinton-threatens-to-drop-da-bomb-on-iraq,787/

Supernova is rich in calcium.

So drink some every day.

Gillard takes the biscuit

Julia Gillard is the deputy prime minister of Australia, Joe Hockey is shadow minister for finance and quite a stout man.

http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc3/hs528.snc3/30000_400721622063_654272063_4912593_6593195_n.jpg

Hahahah

i just... i just...

hahhahahahahahah

Oh shit :0

http://filipspagnoli.files.wordpress.com/2008/12/save-darfur.png
http://www.geekstir.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/trexcontinent.jpg

Hey don't laugh at other countries! Thats so typical of us North Africans.

North America, er, Africa, looks kind of like a velociraptor as it is.

I always thought North America looks like a Harpy Eagle with South America in its talons

it kind of is iirc

http://www.connecttristates.com/news/story.aspx?id=491087

Giving people a ride for free is illegal.

Ass, gas, or grass

haha wait

Holy. Fucking. Shit. They should give that guy some kind of civic medal, not lock him up.

SISSI said: Yesterday at 10:49 PM
OOOH I FEEL ALOT SAFER NOW THAT HE IS OFF THE STREETS...WHEN ARE THE QUINCY POLICE OFFICERS GOING TO QUIT ACTING LIKE MALL COPS AND START CATCHING REAL CRIMINALS...THIS MAN IS ONLY TRYING TO KEEP DRUNK DRIVERS OFF THE ROAD..MAYBE IF THE TAXICABS WOULD RUN AT THE TIME THEY ARE NEEDED THIS WOULDNT BE A PROBLEM...I'M JUST SAYING...

SISSI OTMFM

Putin fires darts at gray whale from crossbow

what the fuck

Sergei34 31 minutes ago Report Abuse
Greatest leader in History. No gay parades No Outsourcing jobs no Illegals just Slavic Power. Christianity in all schools. An invincible military No1 in Oil Gas and 3 in wheat except this yr just temporary. A 14 percent tax on all incomes not 40 like the West Slava Russia

When the boat skidded onto the beach, a buoyant Putin hopped off and made a beeline for waiting reporters. Clearly in his element, Putin replied jovially to a question as to whether the endeavor was dangerous.

"Living in general is dangerous," he quipped.

putin kind of otm there

Oh this is tacky.

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/pawprintpost/post/2010/09/dog-dies-in-hot-car-while-owner-tours-holocaust-museum/1

No1 in Oil Gas and 3 in wheat except this yr just temporary.

lol

Pope's astronomer says he would baptise an alien

An alien – 'no matter how many tentacles it has' – could have a soul, says pope's astronomer

This sounded like one of their op-ed pieces:

http://img820.imageshack.us/img820/6154/scaledphptn0server842fi.jpg

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/pawprintpost/post/2010/09/dog-dies-in-hot-car-while-owner-tours-holocaust-museum/1

If only the owner had heeded the warning of the Scottish indie band.

lol, the Waters headline just needs to be read in a slightly different inflection to be hilarious

Again, I'm doing the what now?

the Waters one reminds me of this:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/you-know-i-used-to-be-kind-of-cool-once,10932/

I remember reading something about the origins of the Police that vaguely suggested that they were making a very deliberate and cynical attempt to capitalize on the punk trend but using their superior musicianship, or something.

I mean whatever, those records are good.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-leeds-11416654

I'm not sure that an Onion article is the right comparison, but... yeah.

Oh lord, just came to post that.

RIP

If only that dead dog had been a German shepherd

xxxxxxxxpost

Saw this had been revived and new it had to be the Segway dude.

headlines wishin they were Onion headlines: Swanky new Vegas hotel’s ‘death ray’ proves inconvenient for some guests

RIM Needs More Fart Apps, Not Fewer
All Things Digital - 7 hours ago

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/09/30/us/30drug.html

Shortage of Widely Used Anesthetics Is Delaying Executions

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/telegraph/multimedia/archive/00684/segway-anti-terror_684090n.jpg

huge LOL

Not partic Onion-y, but the newspaper somebody was reading a seat up from me on the bus last night had a headline "Wyden voted for stimulus, not ants". I was chucklin at that fr some reason.

As prompted by buzza on the Los Angeles thread just now:

http://www.thisisbrandx.com/2010/10/five-things-la-could-learn-from-london.html

I once got a sneaky blow job in London.

Posted by: Pussyman | October 19, 2010 at 07:50 PM

Plus, even the American chains are better in Europe. H&M for instance.

It must be true.

Now we know what to put on the fourth plinth: a giant marble Pret sandwich. Hell, let's replace Nelson with a big old hoisin duck wrap.

NBC Develops Winery-Set Supernatural Soap

Porpoises rescue Dick Van Dyke

EU officials envy quality of US diplomatic cables

Some Egyptian officials blame the Mossad for the deadly shark attacks in Sharm El-Sheik last week:

http://english.ahram.org.eg/NewsContent/1/64/1343/Egypt/Politics-/Experts-shoot-down-theory-that-Israel-is-behind-sh.aspx

the new york times

http://www.wired.com/threatlevel/2010/07/digital-drugs/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZcgUEkBIX0&feature=player_embedded#!

You can apparently get your digital fix here.

H.R. 2: Repealing the Job-Killing Health Care Law Act

Still love this guy

http://images.forbes.com/media/commentary/jflint.jpg

Officials fear bath salts are growing drug problem

Vice President Biden called for jury duty in Del.

(AP) – 1 hour ago

WILMINGTON, Del. (AP) — Joe Biden may be the nation's vice president, but that doesn't mean he can avoid fulfilling his civic duty.

Aides say Biden reported Monday morning for jury duty along with 100 others at the New Castle County courthouse in Delaware after receiving a jury summons.

"I don't consider myself different than any other person," Biden told The News Journal of Wilmington, Del. "This is important ... It is an honor to be a part of the system."

Biden and several Secret Service agents waited with other prospective jurors in the jury assembly room. During a break, staffers and security poured in from a side door to consult with the vice president. Biden said he had to make several calls on a secure telephone during the break, including one to President Barack Obama.

There was no word yet on whether Biden will be chosen to participate in a trial.

"Where you from, honey? Elsmere? Oh yeah, I know a great place over there that serves the best wings… Oh, hold on."

*cups the receiver*

"It's the President…"

*Screensaver appears on display*

Jodi Bieber won the World Press Photo award for her picture of a Middle Eastern woman who was disfigured by the Taliban.

Headlines, mostly in Belgium and Holland, apparently, where they're only just discovering such childish click-attracting misleading tabloid tactics:

Bieber Wins World Press Photo

wrong thread!

SEO hall of fame

ah
ok, sorry

Okay it's been 15 minutes and I still haven't stopped laughing at this

You know what? We saved money. I lost weight. Gained energy. And my girlfriend and I, well, let's just say we had the whoopee time.

Whoopee time is good, but the whoopee time is better.

is it like the cushion?

Depends how much flab has been lost.

It's funnier if you actually picture somebody saying it. The whole thing just reminds me of this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rv9qs5WVHS8

"We had the whoopee time" is impossible to imagine without some think foreign accent for me.

thick*

I think ilx needs a thread about that article alone; it's terrible on so many levels and yet perfect in its own way.

http://www.nytimes.com/imagepages/2011/02/13/JP-SEARCH-2.html

http://www.nytimes.com/imagepages/2011/02/13/JP-SEARCH-2.html
"Google’s spam cop, Matt Cutts, was not pleased about a campaign to make JCPenney.com seem more popular."

http://graphics8.nytimes.com/images/2011/02/13/business/JP-SEARCH-2/JP-SEARCH-2-popup.jpg

"TSA was considering collecting DNA samples via Q-tip swab from the mouths of prospective airplane passengers. Steve Doocy pointed out how easy it would be to fake, saying 'all you gotta do is put someone else’s DNA in your mouth.'"

Will link a video when one shows up.

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/03/110307130215.htm

Holy shit! Oh man thats great.

this was posted on I Love Vinyl but deserves a wider audience imho: http://www.bostonherald.com/entertainment/arts_culture/view/20110322young_people_with_old_souls_prefer_records_to_cds/srvc=home&position=recent

"her delicate hand on diamond-tipped stylus"

lol

Between this and
today's best piece of "rock criticism"

happy dadrock day, y'all.

lolling over these from that Herald article

She has a job, college plans, but also a peculiar passion for a 16-year-old: She’s a vinyl junkie.
That’s right, analog

...her delicate hand on diamond-tipped stylus to spin from the dusty stash of records she found in the basement of her grandfather — yes, grandfather

"SAY WHAAA-?" (spits out coffee)

that's right, analog. and yes -- grandfather.

lmbo

xpost

analog? SERIOUSLY?
her grandfather? YOU DON'T SAY

(exaggerated record scratch)

has the same tone as an NPR story, all wide eyed about what 'the kids' are doing these days

http://www.parade.com/news/backpage-OLD/mitch-albom/100418-take-in-a-real-game.html

Mitch Albom wrote an awful column on the "evil of fantasy baseball" that's way worse -

Spring is here, and throughout the land, baseball fans don their caps and root, root, root in the glowing warmth of...

...their computers?

Cliche...cliche...whaaaa?? **record scratch**

It's as if you took the best lines from Shakespeare and formed your own play. Or took rock's best guitar solos and strung them into "your" song. Fantasy baseball uses the talents but loses the stage. And in so doing, it loses much more.

The whole article is based on the completely ridiculous premise that fantasy players use it as a substitute for real baseball, which is something that absolutely no one does.

"Maybe people do it to feel like they're in charge of a real team. But it's nothing like a real team, believe me. A real team has personal problems, injuries, the long grind of the season. You plug in fantasy players, it's like robots. You're missing the human pulse."

The human pulse. Exactly. If you program a computer correctly, it can play an entire fantasy season without you. Try winning a real game without a human being on the mound.

You can practically see the smirk on his face right now!! "Yeah! You try winning a real game with a bunch of...of...robots!!"

I worry for this growing fantasy-sports world, not for what its followers are experiencing, but for what they're not. If you're so busy computing stats, you miss the real-life drama, you miss the physical artistry, you miss the electricity of a stadium and the unity of your neighbors cheering alongside you. Remember, no one does the wave alone in his basement.

Even if his premise was plausable at all, are we to accept the reason why you need to break out of your robot filled fantasy world is the wave"???

Baseball minus such things is just math. And let's be honest. Wasn't math class when we snuck the earphone from the transistor radio and enjoyed our original fantasies about the game?

*head explodes*

xpost I'm irrationally annoyed by Americans referring to vinyl records as "vinyls".

That's right, "vinyls".

didn't realise this was a US thing, if it is, but yeah fucking stop it

(loosely related: someone tried to clown me a couple of days ago for saying that 'records', as in, say, "I have a big record collection" or "I can't wait for the new Linkin Park record to come out" could legitimately be used to refer to music releases in general, not just vinyl, as he asserted. Am I dumb and/or weird for using it this way for the last 15 years or so?)

it should be ok. we say "album" still and you can't really say "CDs" anymore so it should be fine

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/38/20110324/tod-man-goes-on-shooting-spree-over-burr-045b8e8.html

http://www.newburyportnews.com/lifestyle/x1527122058/Port-teen-joins-Aspergers-comedy-troupe

omg

     
     This is not
       what a
      feminist
     looks like.
      Feminists
       are not
       shirts.

"New Michael"

Trump Sends Investigators to Hawaii, Gains in GOP Presidential Primary Poll

baaaaaaaaaaaaarf

http://www.gilroydispatch.com/printer/article.asp?c=196690

Dr. Laura says people should not have sex before they marry. The reason for this is that sex is the number one cause of pregnancy, and pregnancy is the number one cause of babies.

I ran the boards for the Dr. Laura Show for my local station for three years and I still hate the Pointer Sisters.

Joe Queenan on the Frank Gehry Glut

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/05/20/us/20rapture.html?_r=2&hp

The three teenagers have been struggling to make sense of their shifting world, which started changing nearly two years ago when their mother, Abby Haddad Carson, left her job as a nurse to “sound the trumpet” on mission trips with her husband, Robert, handing out tracts. They stopped working on their house and saving for college.

Last weekend, the family traveled to New York, the parents dragging their reluctant children through a Manhattan street fair in a final effort to spread the word.

“My mom has told me directly that I’m not going to get into heaven,” Grace Haddad, 16, said. “At first it was really upsetting, but it’s what she honestly believes.”

this just depresses me

http://i.imgur.com/p4CFW.png

dammit

http://i55.tinypic.com/dac0m.jpg

http://i.imgur.com/p4CFW.png

http://www.indystar.com/article/20110603/NEWS02/110603006/Man-calls-police-after-kitten-bites-him

http://www.reuters.com/article/2010/07/03/us-athletics-diamond-idUSTRE6622I420100703

http://onionlike.tumblr.com/

There's a fine line happening here.

http://www.scottdizzle.com/uploads2/01091907best-of-jay-leno.gif

http://madisonrecord.com/news/contentview.asp?c=148217

http://www.voanews.com/english/news/middle-east/israel-and-palestinians/Israel-Approves-Jerusalem-Museum-Project-Despite-Muslim-Objections-125499758.html

I mean, the museum people may be right in the end that gravesites aren't normally given any special respect by muslim builders, but still -- Israel to build tolerance museum on muslim gravesite -- seems to fit this thread.

http://www.insurancejournal.com/news/west/2011/07/19/206814.htm

“He slipped because it was slippery,” said a sobbing Hick.

http://www.tokeofthetown.com/2011/07/reformed_nazi_twin_singers_renounce_racism_credit.php

Boys believe discussing problems is a waste of time and weird, says study

Rebel Discovers Qaddafi Passport, Real Spelling of Leader's Name

love that the image for that article is this:

http://cdn.theatlantic.com/static/mt/assets/international/assets_c/2011/08/qaddafi%20passport%20p-thumb-600x300-61429.jpg

They even mention how similar this is to a specific Onion article inside.

Al Qaeda slams Iran for peddling 9/11 conspiracy theories

"The Iranian government has professed on the tongue of its president Ahmadinejad that it does not believe that al Qaeda was behind 9/11 but rather, the U.S. government," an article in Inspire's latest issue argued, according to ABC News' Lee Ferrin. "So we may ask the question: why would Iran ascribe to such a ridiculous belief that stands in the face of all logic and evidence?"

On cnn.com right now:

http://oi43.tinypic.com/v82dfr.jpg

loll

Ha there was something that rolled by the CNN news ticker this morning that said something like "COMMUNISM MORE POPULAR THAN CONGRESS AMONG US PUBLIC"

http://www.businessinsider.com/time-to-admit-it-the-church-has-always-been-right-on-birth-control-2012-2?utm_source=twbutton&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=politics

Michael Brendan Dougherty
Pascal-Emmanuel Gobry

http://static7.businessinsider.com/image/4edfdcba6bb3f7c75a000002-195/michael-brendan-dougherty.jpg

Before joining Business Insider, Michael Brendan Dougherty was Associate Editor of The American Conservative.

great headline

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2098652/Shop-fitter-died-falling-giant-bucket-mayonnaise-stabbing-heart-electric-drill.html

I xposted that to SEO hall of fame

http://www.gizmowatch.com/entry/sun-will-finally-shine-in-viganella-during-winter/

If they hate it so much, why build the town there. It's like building a town at the bottom of a lake and complaining about the lack of oxygen.

http://tpmmuckraker.talkingpointsmemo.com/2012/03/sc_county_gop_if_youve_had_pre-marital_sex_you_can.php?ref=fpb

Before you can join the Laurens County Republican Party in South Carolina and get on the primary ballot, they ask that you pledge that you’ve never ever had pre-marital sex — and that you will never ever look at porn again.

Last Tuesday, the LCGOP unanimously adopted a resolution that would ask all candidates who want to get on the primary ballot to sign a pledge with 28 principles, because the party “does not want to associate with candidates who do not act and speak in a manner that is consistent with the SC Republican Party Platform.”

Among the principles, according to Vic MacDonald & Larry Franklin of the Clinton Chronicle, is standard fare like opposition to abortion and upholding gun rights, as well as “a compassionate and moral approach to Teen Pregnancy” and “a high regard for United States Sovereignty.”

But then they get even more specific. From the Chronicle:

You must favor, and live up to, abstinence before marriage.
You must be faithful to your spouse. Your spouse cannot be a person of the same gender, and you are not allowed to favor any government action that would allow for civil unions of people of the same sex.

You cannot now, from the moment you sign this pledge, look at pornography.

It is unclear how they will precisely determine this (or regulate it), but an unidentified potential candidate for office in Laurens County told the Chronicle that candidates will be interviewed by a three-person subcommittee, who will then recommend to the full executive committee whether to allow the candidate on the ballot.

THE EATBEAT: Long-awaited Olive Garden receives warm welcome

After a lengthy wait for Olive Garden to open in Grand Forks, the lines were long in February. The novelty is slowly wearing off, but the steady following attests the warm welcome.

My first visit to Olive Garden was during midafternoon, so I could be sure to get in. After a late breakfast, I figured a late lunch would be fashionable.

The place is impressive. It’s fashioned in Tuscan farmhouse style with a welcoming entryway. There is seating for those who are waiting.

My booth was near the kitchen, and I watched the waiters in white shirts, ties, black trousers and aprons adorned with gold-colored towels. They were busy at midday, punching in orders and carrying out bread and pasta.

It had been a few years since I ate at the older Olive Garden in Fargo, so I studied the two manageable menus offering appetizers, soups and salads, grilled sandwiches, pizza, classic dishes, chicken and seafood and filled pastas.

At length, I asked my server what she would recommend. She suggested chicken Alfredo, and I went with that. Instead of the raspberry lemonade she suggested, I drank water.

She first brought me the familiar Olive Garden salad bowl with crisp greens, peppers, onion rings and yes — several black olives. Along with it came a plate with two long, warm breadsticks.

The chicken Alfredo ($10.95) was warm and comforting on a cold day. The portion was generous. My server was ready with Parmesan cheese.

As I ate, I noticed the vases and planters with permanent flower displays on the ledges. There are several dining areas with arched doorways. And there is a fireplace that adds warmth to the decor.

Olive Garden has an attractive bar area to the right of the entryway. The restaurant has a full liquor license and a wine list offering a wide selection to complement Italian meals. Nonalcoholic beverages include coolers, specialty coffees and hot teas.

On a hot summer day, I will try the raspberry lemonade that was recommended.

There’s a homemade soup, salad and breadstick lunch available until 4 p.m. daily for $6.95.

An olive branch on menu items signified low-fat entrees. There is a Garden Fare Nutrition Guide available for customers seeking gluten-free food. And for those with food allergies, Olive Garden has an Allergen Information Guide.

All in all, it is the largest and most beautiful restaurant now operating in Grand Forks. It attracts visitors from out of town as well as people who live here.

Olive Garden is part of the Darden chain of restaurants that also operates Red Lobster. There are about 700 restaurants, including four Olive Gardens in North Dakota’s major cities.

Olive Garden has gained a following since 1982 with its ample portions and relaxed ambience. It’s known for its classic lasagna, fettuccine Alfredo and chicken Parmigiana.

At length, I asked my server what she would recommend.

oh to be a fly on the wall

xpost: I don't get it?

I like that either definition (after a long pause / over a long period of time) suggests he is possibly an asshole / savouring the plum assignment of his career, the one he'll tell the grandkids about.

xpost I think it's the in depth and lingering discussion of a generic chain restaurant, but then I am not an American.

oh, I didn't know what Olive Garden was - didn't seem to get that vibe from the site either, but ok :-)

EAT STREET / THE KING OF THE EAT

aahhh EAT BEAT, mangled it never mind

I often enjoy reading effusive community newspaper prose on banal topics, but that's an especially fine example.

http://www.grandforksherald.com/media/story/jpg/2010/09/09/marilynhagerty.jpg

I love the image of Grand Forksians "long awaiting" the Olive Garden.

"On a hot summer day, I will try the raspberry lemonade that was recommended."

Please report back!

This article is beyond description.

"I was given a selection of food items to choose from. I indicated my preferences to the server, and some time later, those selections were brought to the table for me to eat!"

MARILYN HAGERTY: Dippin’ Dots, Crazy Bread await fans at UND hockey games

http://www.grandforksherald.com/media/story/jpg/2010/09/09/marilynhagerty.jpg Crazy Bread, Super Pretzels, Dippin’ Dots, cotton candy, bratwursts and beer. Popcorn, prime rib sandwiches, freshly roasted almonds.

Drinking water with her meal = why she's lived to be such an active 85-year-old.

oh shit max just tweeted this

it's all happening

I saw this tweeted last night. Max, get on the ball.

Grandfawker

someone from grand forks tweets at me:

@max_read she's such a trooper - the week after her cancer diagnosis she reviewed Altru Hospital's room service #eatbeat

Is it OK to still think this is funny then?

yeah

its a gentle, loving mockery

That is actually amazing.

guys guys guys... what if she's actually trolling us w this article?

I think she is.

http://www.accessmylibrary.com/article-1G1-165736373/grand-forks-herald-n.html

"The big soft shell at first glance reminded me of lefse"

and yes — several black olives

Gawker is on it. Not via max but anyway:

http://gawker.com/5891587/grand-forks-olive-garden-receives-positive-review

i can't even

Only time will tell if the still-too-new OG will rise to the top of the list: http://www.urbanspoon.com/lb/152/best-restaurants-Grand-Forks

SHE SPEAKS!

http://blogs.villagevoice.com/forkintheroad/2012/03/olive_garden_review_marilyn_hegarty.php

Your Olive Garden review has been getting a lot of attention on the Internet.

Yeah, I don't get it.

Hero.

I may sound a little on the defensive to you today because of the emails I've received. One was kind of snotty. But the other four or five were kind of friendly. But my daughter tells me I should go on Facebook and read all this crap. And I do not have time to let myself be bothered or read all that stuff. I have a Sunday column I'm doing now about a completely different subject. I don't have time to sit here and twit over whether some self-styled food expert likes, or does not like, my column. The publisher likes it.

I don't care whether they are or not. If anyone's got time to sit out there and nitpick, I kind of feel sorry for them. Get a life.

glad the internet could get its shit together on a thursday to laugh and point at an old lady for doing her job

She told everyone where to get the fuck off, and provided perfect context for it all as well. Any laughing I was doing earlier is rightly erased because she just pwned the world.

Yo Whiney it didn't make it into the VV piece linked above but she also a hella Community fan.

Hahahah

under 16,000 views on gawker
about 150 likes on the gawker article on facebook
she's received six e-mails

i thought the internet was bigger than this

I like marilyn hagerty

She seems like a cool lady

Small towns do their own thing, I'm down with Marilyn.

Also, tbf I had to write stuff that I myself would probably make fun of when I worked at a community newspaper.

I haven't checked lately because I'm in the middle of writing a Sunday column, and I hit the wrong key, and it flew away, and so I had to start all over again.

classic

under 16,000 views on gawker
about 150 likes on the gawker article on facebook
she's received six e-mails

i thought the internet was bigger than this

― da croupier, Thursday, March 8, 2012 2:04 PM (16 minutes ago) Bookmark

well i mean, think about how many times you've clicked on a 'funny link,' or shared it w/ people you know, and out of all those times how often you've decided to personally e-mail the person the funny story is by/about

who the hell sends an email just to say 'pathetic'?

can you imagine what the internet will be capable of when we're all her age?

its terrifying.

I was just thinking of what's going to take the place of Olive Garden by then.

cyber olive garden 2 point infinity

OLIVE GREEN IS MADE OF PEOPLE

mama...she loves the soylent garden

A good comment from elsewhere:

When you read Marilyn’s review, try reading it in your head in the voice of actor Sam Elliott.

exactly

If anyone's got time to sit out there and nitpick, I kind of feel sorry for them. Get a life.

Surely this is an impending board description.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/03/08/marilyn-hagerty-olive-garden_n_1332753.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000003

Not that the Grand Forks Olive Garden is resting on its laurels. When we asked to speak to the location's general manager, Donald Szutenbach, we were told he was in Italy, training at the brand's Culinary Institute of Tuscany.

when did the onion switch to a paid content model, that is fucking ridiculous

Ages ago! And yes.

the onion's whole website is shit now unfortunately

:D

Marilyn takes America by viral storm

And there's video!

The NY Daily News ran an item yesterday about the danger of illegally imported beauty products that contain mercury. This part struck me as Onion-ish:

Here are some ways to tell if your products contain mercury.

Check the label for “mercurous chloride,” “calomel,” “mercuric,” “mercurio” or “mercury.” If you find any of those ingredients in your products, discard them immediately in a plastic bag or leak-proof container.

Read more: http://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/health/mercury-found-lotions-cosmetics-fda-products-sold-ethnic-neighborhoods-online-article-1.1034686#ixzz1odgfzcsd

<3 guilelessness, <3 Marilyn

"The website postings were because residents of more metropolitan areas found it amusing that a chain restaurant would be reviewed. In larger markets, newspaper reviews are reserved for exclusive, high-end eateries that offer fine dining"

seriously:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/2012/mar/28/stuart-pearce-making-plans-england

http://www.nydailynews.com/opinion/defense-hazing-article-1.1059984

http://gma.yahoo.com/k-e-diet-brides-using-feeding-tubes-rapidly-080053646--abc-news-health.html

between this and the tupac hologram, what year am I living in?

http://queenanne.komonews.com/news/crime/739963-police-gun-pulled-following-poorly-attended-ska-show-queen-anne

we must stop this ska-on-ska violence.

(featuring former members of Smash Mouth, White Zombie and Bad Brains)

greag camp of smash mouth, qball of sublime lbc, ivan de prume of white zombie, isreal joseph of bad brains.

'longbeach rehab band' <--- code for sublime cover band, innit??

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/nationworld/2017999538_apusfrozencows.html

Isn't that just the weirdest thing?

feel terrible for considering that these cows are probably still edible

http://www.afp.com/en/news/topstories/breivik-tells-court-i-am-very-likeable-person

Lazer Woolf?!

I guess his mother really liked Fiddler on the Roof?

http://www.thechronicle.com.au/story/2012/04/24/mum-steaming-over-rude-surprise-burger-penis/

http://media.apnonline.com.au/img/media/images/2012/04/24/TCH_24-04-2012_PAGE_3_01_TWB200412burger08_t325.jpg

Classic pic.

kylie

that url is great

http://www.jta.org/news/article/2012/04/23/3093586/man-can-sue-over-anti-semitic-comments-though-not-jewish

NEW YORK (JTA) -- A New Jersey appeals court has ruled that a man can sue for enduring anti-Semitic slurs from former employers despite not being Jewish.

Myron Cowher, a former truck driver for Carson & Roberts Site Constructions & Engineering Inc., sued the company and former supervisors after allegedly enduring anti-Semitic comments for more than a year. His suit alleges discrimination that resulted in a hostile work environment.

The Appellate Division of New Jersey Superior Court reversed a Superior Court judge in a 3-0 decision. The appeals court stated that the “proper question” is what effect the derogatory comments would have on “a reasonable Jew,” not on Cowher, who is of German-Irish and Lutheran background.

hahahahhahahaha

And although this is a fight I can lose/
The accused is A REASONABLE JEW!

I used to get called "Jew" back in elementary school, but I never knew how to complain about it since it would somehow legitimize the word "Jew" as an insult?

It was the intent, I guess. Maybe I should sue and find some reasonable Jews as character witnesses.

isn't that the name of a Coen Bros film?

Denny's going to get sued by African-Americans who have been victims of anti-Candadian remarks.

Canadian.

It's just 'a reasonable man' who is Jewish

So you're saying I'm not reasonable then.

hamburger lady reminds me of:
http://i.imgur.com/X7PXO.jpg
http://www.sonsofstevegarvey.com/2007/09/hey-kid-pass-this-to-david-ortiz.html

http://www.spiegel.de/politik/deutschland/0,1518,829312,00.html

turns out, I do know how to speak German.

http://mo.accessatlanta.com/celebrities-tv/idaho-man-accused-of-1426299.html?cxntlid=thbz_hm

http://now.msn.com/now/0506-dolphins-heroin-overdose.aspx

"Dolphins died of heroin OD after rave at zoo, report says"

Sad and sick as hell, actually.

For animals with sonar hearing, a possibly dubstep-heavy event was already considered a strain.

http://www.usnews.com/opinion/blogs/robert-schlesinger/2012/05/16/george-bush-writes-a-book-on-economic-growth-and-other-things-that-make-tons-of-sense

Jailed punk band Pussy Riot pushes free speech limits in Russia

http://gma.yahoo.com/blogs/abc-blogs/man-admitted-hospital-kidney-stone-discovers-hes-woman-110057308--abc-news-health.html

seriously would that ever be an onion article? not like an enquirer article or a wacky news of the world article or a human interest segment on the local news, but an onion article?

http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7077/7157376649_c8297ed088_b.jpg

guh

haha, that same story also has a headline link on CNN that says "Dismemberment victim's head missing"

well, no shit.

imho it takes all the fun out of guessing which parts are missing

Detachable penis is missing

http://www.reuters.com/article/2012/06/06/tagblogsfindlawcom2012-legallyweird-idUS379276591220120606

The confessions of an ex-sex kitten

http://www.nyu.edu/gsas/dept/french/PEN%202012/LisaDierbeck.jpg

Somali Islamists offer 10 camels as bounty for Obama
By the CNN Wire Staff

http://www.cnn.com/2012/06/09/world/africa/somalia-al-shabaab-bounties/index.html?hpt=hp_t2

Casey Anthony reading 'Hunger Games,' book about killing children

http://news.yahoo.com/casey-anthony-says-shes-gone-hell-232851938--abc-news-topstories.html

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/554662_515861844163_1094249877_n.jpg

OK that one *is* an onion article, right?

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/

Nice work BBC!

Oh good lord.

more goodness from CNN ...

"Snacks on a plane"

http://www.wsoctv.com/news/online/site-information/lake-norman-high-school-yearbook-photo-story-corre/nPWGH/

wat

Ohshit yeah I read about that one on Popehat and I was so confused. The retraction sounds so backhanded. Also it implies no one ever even saw the photo in question and just ran with it anyway?

Ive seen the photo. It... really does look like a woman who flashed her bits. but by accident (slipped sideways gown) not on purpose. But its very hard to tell, as it could also be one of those bizarre illusory pics.

like, the one definite illusion is ppl saying she's "lifting her gown" - she isnt, she's holding a magazine in her lap.

bare genitals and private parts

sorry, that's BARE GENITALS AND PRIVATE PARTS

Yeah the level of detail is bizarre.

Player 'completes' Diablo III video game

"Just over a month after the release of Diablo III, a pro player has managed to complete the game on its hardest setting"

I am obviously reading different news sites, but that is an actual* news story. It's hardly Billy Mitchell, but still.

*I was going to say 'specialist', but then it sold 3.5 million on its first day..

http://menomoneefalls.patch.com/articles/woman-attacks-husband-for-having-the-shepherd-express-the-onion-in-his-car

The hell is with the comments on that article!?

strongly suspect that article is making appearances on 'men's rights' forums

yeah those are the kind of comments they make, I've seen a few on our papers website; this whole "ALL women only want you for money and will ruin you and dump you" bitterness, it is frightening

look i know a sub-ed is fucking around here but

http://cumming.patch.com/articles/these-salads-should-be-tossed-says-fda

speaking of which, before I clicked on the link I was having a hard time visualising what "for-having-the-shepherd-express-the-onion" might mean in that url

cnn does it again

Instagram down in mass power outage

Breakfasts everywhere went undocumented on social media Saturday morning because photo-sharing site Instagram is still down after a line of powerful storms caused mass power outages across the Midwest and Atlantic Seaboard on Friday night.

haha

i was at a very hipstery gathering yesterday and addressed the 3 or 4 girls i was with: "so let me ask you something..." and was promptly interrupted by one saying "was instagram down last night?? YES."

so then did you talk about what you had had for breakfast or is that news stale after 2 pm?

lol I read that earlier and thought about posting it here. hilarious.

more cnn

"Photos: Competing in the Hipster Olympics"

Not a perfect fit --- needs tweaking, but the sentiment expressed is pure Onion:

http://aminiatureclaypot.wordpress.com/2012/07/20/so-you-still-think-god-is-a-merciful-god/

FFS new york times!

According to a D.J. in Brooklyn who goes by the Twitter handle Lil Internet, he coined the term “seapunk” last June after having a surreal dream, which he tweeted about: “Seapunk leather jacket with barnacles where the studs used to be.” His friends added a hashtag to “seapunk,” and a trend was born, like Aphrodite from the foam.

“The surprising thing is that it really was cohesive,” Lil Internet said by iChat; he declined to use his legal name, saying he is now known solely by his Twitter handle. He also described seapunk’s vibe as “Venice Beach Acid Rave 1995,” and cited surf-wear logos, yin-yang symbols and round holographic sunglasses as part of its look.

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/04/fashion/Seapunk-a-Web-Joke-With-Music-Has-Its-Moment.html

^^ all of the quotes are just ... no words

Great photo caption

ha that was the first thing i noticed

"no really, there's a good reason we took a picture of this guy"

The spacey electronic dance music borrows from Witch House, Chiptune, Drum & Bass and southern rap

As lol as that article is, I feel like I am finally starting to *get* the sensibility of the generation that has spawned chillwave, witchhouse, etc.

i haven't read that yet but finding out that lil internet wasn't just a funny anonymous twitter guy but is a real dude who directs Diplo videos and does a streaming "best week ever"-style show on some blog was really deflating and sad for me

Pop music these days: it all sounds the same, survey reveals

headline is prolly a nod to the Onion tbf

A couple of people have put together "seapunk" playlists on spotify. It's mostly two bands: Teams and Unicorn Kid. Hadn't heard either before but it's alright in that chillwave "I'm not actually sure if this is supposed to be good or not" sort of way.

“Seapunk leather jacket with barnacles where the studs used to be.”

it's like wu tang clan for the iGeneration

"yeah yeah my mom loves spongebob and finding nemo too"

"dude your mom is a seapunk MILF! awesome!"

i wonder if azaelia banks has seen the penis on the little mermaid dvd box

*get* the sensibility of the generation that has spawned chillwave, witchhouse, etc.

chillwave = rickrolled w/ the sound off

witchhouse = putting the webcam at odd angles in a dark room so boys can't see your body

new r&b = livejournal

new rap = blingee

this is actually a lot more pervasive than ringtones and hashtag lyrics

i'm sorry this has gone from jokes to capt obvious ideas for you

Are Daily Mail articles banned from this thread, well, for being the Daily Mail?

Was celebration of free health care in Opening Ceremony a coded message to the US? Americans are left confused
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2180227/London-2012-Olympics-Some-Americans-left-baffled-tribute-NHS-Mary-Poppins-Opening-Ceremony.html

http://sportinglife.aol.co.uk/olympics/news/article/22891/7969529/italian-walker-tests-positive

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/aug/11/devastated-by-my-sons-tattoo

this is probably a work of fiction imho but there are tons of killer lines in there so I'm sharing it with respect not derision

it's a quality article

I'm an accountant and I have a giant tattoo of topless woman riding a motorbike in to hell on my back. It's never burdened my career

She needs counselling.

she needs inversion therapy

this makes me more determined to get my robert musil tattoo.

and yes it will be him riding a motorcycle into hell.

have always fancied having "KANT" and "HUME" tattooed across my knuckles

the no regrets tattoo alternative is to get those nike running shoes customised, you can't have "cunt" tho which sort of ruins it.

Oh my god that woman needs help.That is the most fucked up self absorbed shit I have ever read, making it all about her being "redundant", acting like he was dead or something? Jesus christ.

We need a new thread for : Shit That Looks Like A Daily Mail Article (But Isn't)

Tess Morgan is a pseudonym

His father asks, "Does it hurt?"

"Yes," I say, cutting across this male bonding. "It does. Very much."

;_;

that was the money line imo

tbh i was ready for the big reveal to be that it was a "MOM" tattoo with a heart around it

inside a goatse.cx

"But what if he wants to be a lawyer?"

"Or an accountant."

Given that he's a student, you can easily tell if he wants to be one of these by finding out if he is studying Law or Accountancy. Given your relationship with him, I would suggest the easiest way to found out would be by writing to the Admissions Department of his FE institution.

i didn't know that stuff about aristocratic tattoos

On day three, still in a fog of misery, I say to him, "Shall we talk?"

We sit down with cups of coffee. I open my mouth to speak and end up crying instead. I say, "You couldn't have done anything to hurt me more."

He is cool and detached. He says, "I think you need to re-examine your prejudices."

lost it here

god that tattoo article might as well be a transcript bw me and my mom regarding any significant life choice I've made in the last 5 years

i didn't know that stuff about aristocratic tattoos

yeah this was kind of rad to learn about!!

unbelievable

tbh i was ready for the big reveal to be that it was a "MOM" tattoo with a heart around it

― ○ (gr8080), Saturday, August 11, 2012 12:29 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

ditto

I'm starting to feel like the Graun played us all, it just seems way too... weird. Like extreme irony.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aa2LOMajSwM

http://www.reuters.com/article/2012/08/24/entertainment-us-britain-prince-naked-idUSBRE87L08C20120824

not the reuters hed but the daily mail pictured

(that's the sun, not the mail)

oh right

crosspost that headline to passive aggressive notes

reuters on a roll with this

http://in.reuters.com/article/2012/08/25/us-usa-campaign-deathmetal-idINBRE87O03S20120825

already added to wikipedia's death metal page

idgi

will two live crew also not be performing?

http://www.militarytimes.com/news/2012/08/marine-fired-mattis-quote-tattoo-082712/

Union Pacific Railroad fired conductor Carl Newman of Kansas City, Mo., in 2010 because his tattoo violated the company’s “Violence in the Workplace” policy, according to a complaint filed in federal court Aug. 9.

The words were spoken by Gen. James Mattis, now head of U.S. Central Command, when he led Marines in Iraq in 2003.

Mattis, then a tough-talking major general known as “the Warrior Monk,” commanded 1st Marine Division during the invasion. According to Washington Post reporter Thomas E. Ricks’ book “Fiasco,” Mattis sent his tanks and artillery home after the successful invasion. He met with Iraqi tribal leaders and said, “I come in peace. I didn’t bring artillery. But I am pleading with you, with tears in my eyes: If you f--- with me, I’ll kill you all.”

that reminds me of my modest proposal to make police who shoot people get tear tattoos for each person they kill

http://blogs.ajc.com/news-to-me/2012/09/18/convicted-killer-says-hes-too-fat-to-be-executed/

reposting this one from the "most important local news story" thread:

http://djournal.com/view/full_story/20188758/article-Wicks-n-More-consumed-in-fire

http://deadspin.com/5943994/stephen-a-smith-thought-an-article-about-him-in-the-onion-was-real

ok except it's already a very old joke at this point, this has got to be the mother of them all

http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8462/8007439788_c8ee71a7de_m.jpg

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10000872396390443696604577647870908169992.html

Getting That Justin Vernon Body With Trainer Jeff Rogers

http://www.mtvhive.com/2012/09/24/bon-iver-workout/

haha, the late great, I posted in the Amish thread the Cleveland Plain Dealer headline on that story, which falls just short of all-time greatness:

http://imageshack.us/a/img692/2404/frontpage092112jpgf4ed9.jpg

http://pitchfork.com/news/47960-full-scott-walker-album-details-revealed/

his name was mullet?!?

yeah his name was mullet. that kind of puts it more in mad magazine territory, though they'd probably change it to Potzrebie Mulletski or something.

Buddhist "Iron Man" Found by Nazis Is from Space

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=buddhist-iron-man-found

Bachmann: ‘We Must Ban Falafel’ in School Lunches

http://dailycurrant.com/2012/09/28/bachmann-we-ban-falafel-school-lunches/#.UGXBjenOHSI.facebook

"I have to ask Ms. Bachmann, why is that a problem? I mean some children like the taste of falafel, what's wrong with that?"

"Chris, falafel is a gateway food," responded Bachmann, "It starts with falafel, then the kids move on to shawarma. After a while they say 'hey this tastes good, I wonder what else comes from Arabia?' "

"Before you know it our children are listening to Muslim music, reading the Koran, and plotting attacks against the homeland."

"We need to stop these terror cakes now, before they infiltrate any further."

the daily currant is a shitty onion-style fake-news website

lol now i'm one of those people!

terror cakes is roughly B+ tho

http://www.gameranx.com/updates/id/9639/article/glenn-beck-thinks-eve-online-is-a-front-for-the-cia/

"It starts with falafel, then the kids move on to shawarma."

OTM