Is Jack Colback the least glamorous footballer in the Premier League?

the truly unprepossessing player must have played 100+ epl (or liga etc) games, or in colback's case be nearly there

like koscielny? or mirallas? mirallas was the best player in greece by a long way at 24 yrs old, he wears gloves and short sleeves and is the most skilful attacking player for a top four contender

LIVERPOOL - Martin Kelly has been in an England squad but no-one seemed to care.

MAN CITY -

http://news.bbcimg.co.uk/media/images/64992000/jpg/_64992730_plattmancini.jpg

MAN UNITED - pfft. Alex Buttner was linked with Southampton this summer.

NEWCASTLE - Steve Harper has the Tony Hibbert problem of being so unglamorous that he's practically come out the other side, and Shola Ameobi's a similar case (even if he hardly ever scores). Steven Taylor, Danny Simpson, Gabriel Obertan all have the stench of bodged flash about them and don't count.

Mike Williamson is never going to play for England but has managed to outlast Roger Johnson and Scott Dann in the Premier League. He probably gets ruled out for his spell at Portsmouth, where he never even made the bench because the club couldn't afford to pay the contractually obliged bonuses that would have been triggered if he played. This will never happen with Colback.

RYAN TAYLOR

Scans revealed Taylor had torn a cruciate ligament in his right knee and would be sidelined for many months,[citation needed] although manager Alan Pardew said he thought a quick return was possible.[citation needed]

Ah, I'd thought Ryan Taylor's penchant for long-range whacks ruled him out. He's definitely had at least one goal of the month contender, hasn't he?

NORWICH - right, let's get ruling out. Hoolahan and Snodgrass are too crafty. Pilkington scores too often. Bradley Johnson had a mild feud with Joey Barton. Bassong and Garrido are too good. Michael Turner's moved for too much money and is generally seen as quite good. Mark Bunn, David Fox, Former Grimsby Town Captain Ryan Bennett, Leon Barnett, Drew Surman and Marc Tierney probably don't play enough. Grant Holt.

Welsh international striker Steve Morison's career path has taken him from Stevenage to Millwall to here. 18 League appearances this season, 15 off the bench. One goal. In.

Russell Martin and Alex Tettey are first-team regulars. I think Martin's a right-back. Tettey appears to be a general sort of midfield type. BBC Sport informs me Martin's got four Scotland caps and Tettey's played 10 times for Norway. Beyond that...

Not sure if Jonny Howson counts or not. Same for Simeon Jackson.

ryan taylor has scored FAR too many belters nakh, I mean he's a free-kick specialist, that should surely disqualify him

ah swygart said it too, the joy of xposts

nah he has only eight goals in eight seasons in the epl

his set piece delivery is the only reason he has spent any time at all in the epl tho, he has no other discernable attributes

i used to consider ryan taylor the lowest profile english player in the epl when he played for wigan

there was one peachy half-volley too

that said there are a lot of nothingy players who have done something ludicrous exactly once in their careers (twice if they're dj martian cult-hero matty taylor), frinstance figueroa and his earlier, more english counterpart, jon harley

that jon harley goal is possibly my all-time favourite goal by an english footballer tbrr

that comma shd be before 'counterpart', good thing i'm burying this account soon eh guys winky winky

r taylor hasnt hit one for a while tbf, his glam will certainly have faded in the eyes of the regla punter

james perch too lower leagues i guess

READING - Oh man.

Right... Federici's made too many high-profile gaffes. McCarthy still doesn't seem to be good enough to permanently dislodge him though.

Hunt's been cited upthread. Adam Le Fondre seems to score too often for consideration. Already ruled out Leigertwood, Kebe did that thing with his socks last season, Jason Roberts is too high-profile these days. Ian Harte's free-kicks plus being part of That Leeds United Side rule him right out.

The rest of the Reading defence, though... Chris Gunter was meant to be a thing once but not anymore. Adrian Mariappa may have been linked with Birmingham or someone in the past. QPR didn't think Gorkss was good enough for the Premier League. Was Nicky Shorey really an England international? Reeeeeally?

Hal Robson-Kanu. Jem Karacan. Yes. Think it may be too early to say with McCleary. McAnuff... possibly.

didnt perchy get accused of something nefarious, i think he is some latterday craig faganish provocateur

shorey was the cunt i was trying to think of in the 2-3 cap england fullback category

he is incredibly slow, i remember john utaka gaining about 10 yards on him in a short footrace

can i just go back to david fox, not visible enough to qualify for this i agree but surely the most obscure prem squad footballer otherwise?

depends with mcanuff who the glamour beholder is really, champo-levs ought to know him as a realiably flash sod, non-oblivious liverpool fans might recall him for nearly scoring an epic mazy golazo in a cup tie a while back during which sigurdsson excelled

See, I know Fox is definitely ex-Man Utd youth. I could not tell you a single thing about Marc Tierney. Neither of them are obscure as Simon Lappin, though, but he's gone to the Championship now.

SOUTHAMPTON - surprisingly not that many contenders. All the keepers are too prone to madness. Fonte's too handsome, Shaw and Clyne too fun, Richardson, Chaplow, De Ridder, Butterfield, Lee and Fox are unlikely to see a starting line-up anytime soon. Schneiderlin and Cork are too good. Rodriguez would be a contender if he hadn't cost SEVEN MILLION ACTUAL POUNDS.

Steven Davis, though. Archetypal runarounder, not really clear what he actually brings to the team beyond keeping Guly on the bench. 57 caps for Northern Ireland. In.

garath mcleary scored 4 in a single match last year, against leeds too, and at least 3 of them were really very good goals. on that basis alone he's out

STOKE - yeah, I suppose the collectively aggressive unfashionableness of Stoke does kind of counteract any actual unfashionableness of their individual players. Still think a case can be made for Wilkinson... but possibly even more so for Marc Wilson. Plays loads of positions to an OK-ish standard, didn't really stand out at Portsmouth, and I'd actually forgotten he was even at Stoke. Only 3 caps for the Republic of Ireland. Was there some kind of Trapp feud?

i only know tierney for his coming under hansen's derisive scrutiny one time

was more aware of lappin cos it's an unusual name and rabbits are nice and norwich are nice and oh god dont reveal the entire mental process you fool

andy wilkinson owns or used to own a nightclub iirc

possibly the least urbane football player in the world

speaking of stoke, how's this for an unwanted memory swygart. only made the bench at the valley on boxing day, but an amazing EPL career nonetheless: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Danny_Higginbotham

SUNDERLAND - ooh.

Simon Mignolet may actually rival Mark Schwarzer in the not-talked-about-at-all stakes. Through Leeds, Sheffield United and Sunderland, no-one has ever found Matthew Kilgallon even slightly exciting. Phil Bardsley. David Vaughan had his glory days at Blackpool, hasn't done that much of note at Sunderland - heck, is Wor Jack keeping him out of the side?

Fraizer Campbell has one England cap. Six goals in 56 appearances for Sunderland. Am I imagining his spell at Spurs? It seems like he had a good season at Hull, and then...

Oh, and Colback. Of course.

SWANSEA - Itay Schechter. Kemy Agustien. Luke Moore. 28 appearances combined, 23 as subs. In. In. In. Lob in Gerhard Tremmel too, he's only been in the side cos Vorm was injured but nine league games should qualify him. Any 34-year-old German keeper with no international calibre to speak of who can get that much action in the Premier League is worth a nod. Garry Monk and Mark Gower haven't featured enough this season to really count.

luke moore has scored a epl hattrick

SPURS - Hmm. The only ones leaping out are Europa League stars Andros Townsend and Tom Carroll, about whom I don't really know enough to say. Oh, and Jake Livermore, maybe. I dunno, you spend this much time around Dmac, you just start assuming everything is Gylfi Sigurdsson's fault.

WEST BROM - Gareth McAuley gets too many good notices to really count, Stephen Reid can kick a football very, very hard, and Ridgewell's too much of an arse. Popov and Tamas both appear to have several caps for Macedonia and Romania respectively, though I'm not sure if that counts for anything anymore. Billy Jones is possibly a good shout...

Wait a second.

MARKUS FUCKING ROSENBERG.

THE SWEDISH STEPHANE GUIV'ARCH, EXCEPT HE HASN'T WON ANYTHING.

10 APPEARANCES. NINE AS SUB. NO GOALS. WE MAY HAVE A CONTENDER.

cmon s-dogg, is danny higginbotham too psychotic for this shit, we the people must know

Higgy's got media work. Automatic DQ.

WEST HAM - Oh, hello Gary O'Neil.

Winston Reid's World Cup heroics put him out of contention. No such problem with Joey O'Brien. Unsure on James Tomkins, sort of has the handsomeness thing going on. Jack Collison probably doesn't count, even though I think he's the feller Kebe did the socks thing to last season.

And last, but not least:

WIGAN - Emmerson Boyce's page on the BBC Sport site has this:

International career totals

Barbados 0 (0) 0 0 0

He's pushing 200 appearances for Wigan now, and only five of those are as a sub. I'm fairly sure all those games would have been in the Premier League too. He also had time at Crystal Palace in the top flight, if I'm remembering rightly. And in all that time, he has been talked about possibly twice on Match of the Day? Maybe?

Ben Watson and David Jones have also been around the Premier League for several hundred years. I'm not sure what either of them do.

Emmerson Orlando Boyce (born 24 September 1979 in Aylesbury) is an English-born professional footballer who has represented Barbados at international level. He is currently a player at A.C. Milan, and usually plays as a right back, but can also play in the centre of defence or at right wing back.

Andros Townsend is a pacey winger which should automatically rule him out. Plus he looks like Lewis Hamilton.

Meet Andros Townsend

FAVOURITE MUSIC: R&B, hip-hop. My iPod is always on shuffle. I certainly don’t listen to Drake, which is a big favourite in most dressing rooms at the moment – it does my head in!

great work itt, but rly if this isn;t hibbert it's osman

some searching shows that Osman managed a remarkable three year run between mid 2006 and mid 2009 in which he played well over a hundred games and received just one ILX mention, but I think autumn years esteem rules him out now.

Ben Watson was once subbed on solely for the purpose of taking a just awarded penalty iirc

non-oblivious liverpool fans might recall him for nearly scoring an epic mazy golazo in a cup tie a while back during which sigurdsson excelled

Tore us to pieces that night.

Once upon a time Lee Cattermole might have filled this role, in his Middlesbrough days before his current thuggish notoriety set in.

Colback to score a hat-trick, get sent off, and french kiss AVB on his way down the tunnel.

Jack Colback on WhoScored

Jack Colback's Style of Play

- Gets fouled often

Oh, and I forgot:

QPR - Hill. Yes. Mackie. Yes. Derry. Possibly (he had a semi-flash phase at Palace once, I think). And maybe Nedum Onuoha.

Radek Cerny would be a contender if he ever played. So would Hogan Ephraim.

http://img.thesun.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00202/derry2005_202643a.jpg

http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Music/Pix/pictures/2008/12/16/DavidPrutton460x276.jpg

Separated at birth obv.

Onuoha played for City for too long to count. QPR in general I reckon are a little too flash, although Clint Hill seems to fashioning an image of One Of The Guys You Can Rely Upon.

you're not supposed to mention clint hill without shaun derry

You've been busy and I'm impressed. Surely Ferreira would be Chelsea's least glam player?

OK he won the CL and has played for Portugal many times but just look at the guy

clint is too glam a name for this regardless of whatever he does

i am slowly settling for chris baird now i think, the solomonic choice between the nakh and wbs formulations

just looked at his wiki page and uhm i thought the person picture was aaron hughes

so yeah, five seasons in the epl playing fairly often, probably the most unprepossessing fulham player and fulham probably the most unprepossessing team relative to their results in recent years

there are worse choices, certainly

oh I didn't realise that Aaron Hughes was a Premier League player before his time at Fulham. Over 400 top level appearances in 16 seasons, now I'm really impressed by his remarkable unremarkableness.

A fucking team full of them tbh

Horrible thought

Is this what we'd be like without eriksen

it works well as ambient tv tbh

except for the cunt with the trumpet, obv