ILX Parenting 6: "Put Some Goddamn Pants On Before You Go Outside!" is a thing I say now

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have at it

Οὖτις, Friday, 10 July 2015 19:51 (one year ago) Permalink

"because I'M the parent!" is a thing *I* say now.

UYD: Oxys, Percs, Vics, Addys, Rit-Dogs and Xannys (sunny successor), Friday, 10 July 2015 20:47 (one year ago) Permalink

I find myself saying giving the weirdest instructions sometimes

Οὖτις, Friday, 10 July 2015 21:00 (one year ago) Permalink

completely frivolous post but: ex-coworker pregnant w second baby. she's naming it "Macyn" and I am pretty IA about it tbh

ugh. just call the fuckin kid mason jeeeeeeezus christ almighty

difficult-difficult lemon-difficult (VegemiteGrrl), Tuesday, 14 July 2015 19:48 (one year ago) Permalink

boy or girl? I'm guessing girl.

mom tossed in kimchee (quincie), Tuesday, 14 July 2015 22:50 (one year ago) Permalink

just intentionally mispronounce it from now on

Οὖτις, Tuesday, 14 July 2015 23:00 (one year ago) Permalink

"makin? like yr makin a baby?"

Οὖτις, Tuesday, 14 July 2015 23:00 (one year ago) Permalink

we've moved beyond the "why" stage to the "no" or simply ignoring stage which is slowly sapping my will to live and/or self-image as a nice guy

transparent play for gifs (Tracer Hand), Wednesday, 15 July 2015 12:53 (one year ago) Permalink

Hey all. Haven't been around for a while but K now has a baby sister, E. 👨‍👩‍👧‍👧

five six and (man alive), Thursday, 16 July 2015 00:58 (one year ago) Permalink

Good job.

Jeff, Thursday, 16 July 2015 01:02 (one year ago) Permalink

Oh yay! I was just thinking about you, man alive, and hoping you'd come back and say hello. Congratulations!

from batman to balloon dog (carl agatha), Thursday, 16 July 2015 01:45 (one year ago) Permalink

Aw! Nice to not be forgotten by ILXORs, at least a few nice ones.

five six and (man alive), Thursday, 16 July 2015 01:47 (one year ago) Permalink

yes you were missed dude

marcos, Thursday, 16 July 2015 02:12 (one year ago) Permalink

we even posted in the ilx milk carton thread a while back iirc

marcos, Thursday, 16 July 2015 02:13 (one year ago) Permalink

anyways good to have a new thread

J is starting to ask "what is ____" about everything, it is really cool, like he is really trying to get at the deeper meaning of it, e.g. he has been eating oatmeal for a good two years now but now he wants to really know "what is oatmeal???"

marcos, Thursday, 16 July 2015 02:15 (one year ago) Permalink

haha also xp man alive i misread your post to say "K now has a babysitter, E" so i did not comment b/c that seemed unremarkable, but yea congratulations!

marcos, Thursday, 16 July 2015 02:24 (one year ago) Permalink

So yeah, two kids is pretty crazy. OTOH in the final months before the birth I hustled hard and found a better job -- better pay AND more flexible with time, and that's been making things a lot easier.

five six and (man alive), Thursday, 16 July 2015 03:13 (one year ago) Permalink

Oh awesome! Congratulations on the new job AND the new baby!

from batman to balloon dog (carl agatha), Thursday, 16 July 2015 03:17 (one year ago) Permalink

yeah two kids is nuts. fwiw three is not as nuts as two is, in case you're inclined in that way

we just flew back to the usa for a couple of weeks and my kids did well, but then my youngest is 8 so why would it be bad. tons of movies on demand with the little screens, they keep bringing you food and drinks, you get to snuggle, what's not to like.

droit au butt (Euler), Thursday, 16 July 2015 12:01 (one year ago) Permalink

fwiw three is not as nuts as two

this needs explaination

UYD: Oxys, Percs, Vics, Addys, Rit-Dogs and Xannys (sunny successor), Thursday, 16 July 2015 17:36 (one year ago) Permalink

two is fucking crazy

marcos, Thursday, 16 July 2015 18:45 (one year ago) Permalink

I assume when you have three you let the oldest child be in charge of the other two. Parenting over!

Οὖτις, Thursday, 16 July 2015 18:46 (one year ago) Permalink

im dying here w/ 2, it is intense

my mom had 5 and i just can't even comprehend that

marcos, Thursday, 16 July 2015 18:48 (one year ago) Permalink

i think maybe people who say the jump to 3 is not a big deal is maybe because at that point the older ones are a little more manageable since they are older?

marcos, Thursday, 16 July 2015 18:49 (one year ago) Permalink

also some of you may recall i mentioned J's autism diagnosis on the previous thread, things were super stressful for a long while especially after F's birth but things do seem to be falling into place a little w/ his services and planning for preschool next year. we found some really incredible home-based therapists and b/c of his diagnosis J also got offered a spot at one of our city's best public schools allowing us to bypass some of the anxiety-inducing byzantine lottery process. one benefit i guess to having a kid with special needs. also J is just doing amazingly well right now and we've seen so much growth and progress, it is really hopeful.

marcos, Thursday, 16 July 2015 18:54 (one year ago) Permalink

Oh good! That's good to hear.

from batman to balloon dog (carl agatha), Thursday, 16 July 2015 19:21 (one year ago) Permalink

Thanks for the update Marcos, that's good to hear.
My friend with 3 kids says the jump to 3 is the craziest ever. You only have 2 hands for a start!

kinder, Thursday, 16 July 2015 19:44 (one year ago) Permalink

Yeah I've heard that 3 is the hardest - harder than two, harder than four.

LOL survey says -

I think we'll stick with one to be on the safe side.

from batman to balloon dog (carl agatha), Thursday, 16 July 2015 19:58 (one year ago) Permalink

I would add "Put on your shoes" to this list.

Immediate Follower (NA), Thursday, 16 July 2015 20:11 (one year ago) Permalink

Ivy's only 19 months so some of those don't apply but we're already well on our way with "Careful," "You're fine," and "Don't eat that."

from batman to balloon dog (carl agatha), Thursday, 16 July 2015 20:16 (one year ago) Permalink

yeah I dunno with #3, #1 was already 6 years old, so didn't need the kind of management that newborns do, and got along well with #2 so our lives were fine. plus we knew what we were doing by that point, at least as well as we ever were going to. but when #2 was born...I don't know how we survived tbh

droit au butt (Euler), Thursday, 16 July 2015 20:44 (one year ago) Permalink

Oh god, "careful!" is getting a lot of use now, as well as the related "gentle hands!" F's top three words are "no", "nono" and "nonononononono".

Madchen, Thursday, 16 July 2015 20:55 (one year ago) Permalink

"Did you take another bite of your dinner yet?"

how's life, Thursday, 16 July 2015 21:03 (one year ago) Permalink

Ivy's daycare teachers use the Spanish "linda" to mean "nicely," which Ivy picked up on early so we say that instead of "gentle hands." And we say that a lot... Also my mom's old favorite: People are not for hitting. People are for loving. Usually said through gritted teeth after Ivy smacks my glasses off my face.

from batman to balloon dog (carl agatha), Thursday, 16 July 2015 21:15 (one year ago) Permalink

our perfect granddaughter, who always slept through the night even from birth and has never been the slightest bit difficult during year one, has FINALLY has her first tantrum, tried to scratch her mom with her little fingernails. we breathed a sigh of relief tbh, thank god she's not some pod person experiment and is actually human.

I have a couple of new Isolde pics as well, will post later

sleeve, Thursday, 16 July 2015 21:31 (one year ago) Permalink

Damn straight.

from batman to balloon dog (carl agatha), Thursday, 16 July 2015 22:00 (one year ago) Permalink

"gentle hands" wtf does that mean, like what is the situation

transparent play for gifs (Tracer Hand), Thursday, 16 July 2015 23:47 (one year ago) Permalink


difficult-difficult lemon-difficult (VegemiteGrrl), Thursday, 16 July 2015 23:48 (one year ago) Permalink

ime it is another way of saying "don't scratch my fucking face, boy"

marcos, Friday, 17 July 2015 00:06 (one year ago) Permalink

Yeah like "don't hit scratch slap pinch me/your dad/this other child/the cat."

from batman to balloon dog (carl agatha), Friday, 17 July 2015 00:39 (one year ago) Permalink

"What did I just say?" is another thing I say a lot.

Οὖτις, Friday, 17 July 2015 02:39 (one year ago) Permalink

I've been trying to get a little more real about "rules" lately, especially with eating, e.g. I keep repeating "we don't get something else until we finish what we have," because she has a really annoying habit of asking for something, taking a few bites and then asking for another thing. Also trying to stop snacks in the stroller and carseat so she'll actually eat her goddamn meals instead of snacking all the time, but that one is challenging (because on the morning where she DOESN'T eat her goddamn breakfast, you feel guilty sending her to school hungry).

five six and (man alive), Friday, 17 July 2015 04:51 (one year ago) Permalink

Also we have a grandparent who sees her every week and undermines all this

five six and (man alive), Friday, 17 July 2015 04:51 (one year ago) Permalink

gah, that thing when your newborn is finally asleep and completely quiet and then you keep checking every twenty minutes to make sure they're alive.

five six and (man alive), Friday, 17 July 2015 05:02 (one year ago) Permalink


difficult-difficult lemon-difficult (VegemiteGrrl), Friday, 17 July 2015 05:19 (one year ago) Permalink

double congratulations, man alive!

estela, Friday, 17 July 2015 05:28 (one year ago) Permalink

small man still alive

wisdom be leakin out my louche douche truths (k3vin k.), Friday, 17 July 2015 05:29 (one year ago) Permalink

So I may have missed something, but I think Nora only woke at midnight and 3am last night. It's 7am now and she's still asleep. And it's Em's birthday.

Hey Bob (Scik Mouthy), Friday, 17 July 2015 06:18 (one year ago) Permalink

Ha, I slept straight through a 5am waking..,

Hey Bob (Scik Mouthy), Friday, 17 July 2015 06:24 (one year ago) Permalink

Happy birthday Em. I was just thinking I hadn't seen her over at the other place for a while. If it's any consolation, our sleep has gone back into a bad pattern after having a really good thing going for a couple of months. Hoping we find that groove again.

kinder, Friday, 17 July 2015 08:33 (one year ago) Permalink


how's life, Thursday, 6 October 2016 14:04 (five months ago) Permalink

the notes the loon doesn't play (ulysses), Thursday, 6 October 2016 14:20 (five months ago) Permalink

three weeks pass...

Well she was adorable tonight except for being completely rude at the first five houses and not saying thank you which I was ready to just kill the whole escapade at house #3 but mom was right - in part - that she needed to warm up a little, shyness etc. but I will not suffer rudeness!!! ARRGH.

Anyway I think part of it was feeling silly in costume, which I totally get, and I think the way I turned Halloweeen around for myself was by dressing up as various genuinely terrifying things and actually scaring people. I suggest: What about next year we dress up as something scary? And try and scare people, like Dad used to do?

"Next year I'm going to be a mean cheerleader that only likes girls!"


ELECTION (no comey I) (El Tomboto), Monday, 31 October 2016 23:23 (four months ago) Permalink

Someone gave my daughter a kazoo for halloween and I'm not sure if I like her anymore.

how's life, Saturday, 5 November 2016 13:35 (four months ago) Permalink


kinder, Saturday, 5 November 2016 13:59 (four months ago) Permalink


Flamenco Drop (VegemiteGrrl), Saturday, 5 November 2016 20:44 (four months ago) Permalink

one month passes...

how have you all talked to your kids about death and dying?

my four-year-old has been asking a lot of questions. his great aunt gave him a little dreamcatcher in his room with feathers on it and he asked how feathers fall off of birds and i told him that they either fall off naturally the way our hair falls out or else we can pluck them from a dead bird. he asks "how do birds die?" to "where do birds go when they die?" to "what happens when i die?" he's heard language about death and dying before in passing but he's only now started to ask a lot of questions.

i gave him some answers but im not sure there is any satisfactory way of going about this. i talked about how our bodies shut down and we become part of the earth (im agnostic so i didn't talk about heaven and eternal souls and all that, though my wife has mentioned heaven a little bit to him). fundamentally i find it comforting that we do become part of the earth when we die. but i also talked about how we live on in the memories of people who loved us. i have an uncle who died about 10 years ago, an artist who created thousands of prints, and whose work is on the walls of our house and in all of my family members' houses. my son knows who that uncle is even though he died before my son was born so i talked about how my uncle got sick from cancer and died and become part of the earth and now he lives on in our memories and our love for his art. my son creates a lot of art too so i thought he might connect to that. but who the fuck knows really?

now he's asking questions right before bedtime about where he goes when dies, when he goes into the earth what happens to his pajamas, his toys, etc. he definitely seems a little alarmed and confused by it all but still asks questions about it in that everday incessantly curious way he asks questions about basically anything that four-year-olds wonder about too though.

I've read Ta-nehisi Coates. (marcos), Tuesday, 6 December 2016 18:40 (three months ago) Permalink

my stock answer to "where do we go when we die?" is "we go back to where we were before we were born". tbf neither of my kids have gotten too death obsessive - it certainly hasn't registered in any serious way with my 4yo, who enjoys "playing dead" and has seen various dead things (animals mostly) but I don't think really grasps the enormity of it. My daughter was about that age when my great-grandmother died (at 101) and so she's been through the thing of a relative dying but she never seemed particularly fixated on it.

I realize the above is not helpful at all, lol...

Οὖτις, Tuesday, 6 December 2016 18:51 (three months ago) Permalink

"where do we go when we die?" is "we go back to where we were before we were born".

i like that answer a lot actually

I've read Ta-nehisi Coates. (marcos), Tuesday, 6 December 2016 18:54 (three months ago) Permalink

i talked about how our bodies shut down and we become part of the earth

This is basically how we spoke to our kids about it. Neither of my kids have had anyone close to them die yet, other than small pets. We always stop to examine dead animals when we find them in the road or the woods or wherever.

My nephew, who is in seventh grade like my oldest kid, had a friend die on Sunday. I haven't gotten any reliable word on how it happened. I never met the friend, but it's been heavy to think about. Nephew himself is already being treated for severe depression, so it's gotta be extra hard on him.

how's life, Tuesday, 6 December 2016 18:57 (three months ago) Permalink

i used to have pretty bad death-phobia as a kid, waking up at night in full panic - as a little kid i was constantly running into the living room at night saying "i dont want to die i dont want to die" etc. those panic attacks lasted until a year or two ago when i started doing yoga.

i dunno how to retroactively say what could have been done to thwart it but definitely honest, but caring, conversations can only help imo. my parents never really talked much about it, just platitudes etc

it also dovetails with fears of loss of control, so coming at it from that angle could help?

i've read where it can manifest as ocd in some kids in extreme cases

Flamenco Drop (VegemiteGrrl), Tuesday, 6 December 2016 19:28 (three months ago) Permalink

Mom's been out of the house for a few days, so it was inevitable that my 7-year-old son and I would finally begin discussing the JFK assassination.

HIM: Well it's good that the wives didn't get hurt. Did they get blood on them?

ME: Oh, yeah. And the first lady walked around for the rest of the day with it all over her.

I know it sounds horrible out of context, but it was a real casual conversation. We were sorting and folding his clean laundry, he started asking about snipers....

pplains, Tuesday, 6 December 2016 19:52 (three months ago) Permalink


I've read Ta-nehisi Coates. (marcos), Tuesday, 6 December 2016 19:55 (three months ago) Permalink

kinda lol also O_O

Flamenco Drop (VegemiteGrrl), Tuesday, 6 December 2016 19:56 (three months ago) Permalink

My 4.5yo was surprisingly concerned about the death of her great grandmother, whom she met only once at 20 months old and maybe skyped with a few times, although she had seen a lot of photos of her and stuff. She kept saying she missed her and asking when we could see her again. She may partly just have been parroting her mom's sadness. At the same time, I didn't sense a lot of anxiety or fear around it. I think kids at that age just don't conceptualize death.

the last famous person you were surprised to discover was actually (man alive), Tuesday, 6 December 2016 20:03 (three months ago) Permalink

when my oldest kid was 3 his great great grandmother died so we talked about it then. i didn't have anything really wise to say, just that death means it's over, you just stop. i said that some people believe in heaven, like a place you go after you die, but that i didn't really believe that. he was surprisingly down with that. just sort of accepted it, yup, that's how it goes. next!

illegal economic migration (Tracer Hand), Tuesday, 6 December 2016 22:46 (three months ago) Permalink

for those of you who celebrate christmas (as a religious or seasonal/family holiday, for me it's the latter) do you do anything about santa w/ your kids? i don't want to, i'm fine w/ it being a fictional story that would be fun to imagine w/ my kids the same way we have fun reading fictional books but im not down on telling them that a man physically comes down our chimney to deliver gifts to them and every other kid. my wife feels differently and wants to do it. my older son is extremely literal-minded and analytical and if we told him this actually happens then his questioning about how this is logically possible would be very intense and i don't think i can sustain that much myth-making w/ him.

I've read Ta-nehisi Coates. (marcos), Thursday, 8 December 2016 19:11 (three months ago) Permalink

if it ever comes up, I plan to tell them that Santa sub-contracts out to us

¶ (DJP), Thursday, 8 December 2016 19:18 (three months ago) Permalink

lol i was talking with friends about this last week -- when they learned abt santa and such -- and they said their parents had basically taken the view that they had paid good money for all presents bought and no way were they handing over credit for that to a fat bearded made-up man in a red onesie

mark s, Thursday, 8 December 2016 19:36 (three months ago) Permalink

I'm pretty anti-Santa and xmas in general, but it's inevitable with a 3 year old that goes to daycare where they are always doing seasonal/holiday stuff, she gets drawn into it. Even though she doesn't understand it, I tell her that it is a myth/fictional/not a real person. But don't tell other kids that because they may not want to hear it.

Jeff, Thursday, 8 December 2016 20:46 (three months ago) Permalink

I don't know if my 6 year old believes or not. I haven't made any special effort to rope her into believing. We pushed it a lot with her big brother when he was younger and he ended up believing until he was 10, very opposed to ideas that there may not be a Santa Claus. Like, he'd get angry at us. That was a weird scene.

how's life, Thursday, 8 December 2016 20:54 (three months ago) Permalink

I dig Christmas as a purely secular seasonal holiday deal and a have an almost pathological opposition to anything remotely supernatural so I really struggle with how to deal with Santa. The kid is 2 now so definitely aware of Santa as a concept but no real understanding of the mythology or anything.

Not sure how I deal with this in a way that sort of plays along enough for it to be fun but also isn't making him the SANTA ISN'T REAL kid who ruins it for others at school some day.

joygoat, Thursday, 8 December 2016 22:03 (three months ago) Permalink

i just try to stay out of it. if my kids ask me about santa i just go yes well itisamystery.jpg

illegal economic migration (Tracer Hand), Thursday, 8 December 2016 22:32 (three months ago) Permalink

Re: talking to kids about death--

I'm don't do kiddo grief counseling (just adults), but a client recently recommended this kids' book about death and dying:

OTOH one of my hospice social work colleagues has a kid with ASD and she has found that kids on the spectrum benefit from something way more realistic than two polar bear pals, so she's written one herself and has publishing deal! Will post that once it is available.

Anyhow, just talking about death and not avoiding it or minimizing it or using vague stuff like "gone to be with (dead) grandad" seems to be the best strategy, at least that is what I was taught in social worker skool.

mom tossed in kimchee (quincie), Friday, 9 December 2016 22:53 (three months ago) Permalink

quincie my son has ASD so yea please share that when it's published!

I've read Ta-nehisi Coates. (marcos), Saturday, 10 December 2016 00:24 (three months ago) Permalink

one month passes...

Οὖτις, Tuesday, 24 January 2017 20:18 (two months ago) Permalink

one month passes...

how long does the tantrum phase last and is there anything you can do to power/accelerate through it? am willing to consider any and all suggestions

Rachel Luther Queen (DJP), Friday, 17 March 2017 16:32 (one week ago) Permalink

yr kids are ...2? 3?

Οὖτις, Friday, 17 March 2017 16:33 (one week ago) Permalink

They just turned 3.

Rachel Luther Queen (DJP), Friday, 17 March 2017 16:34 (one week ago) Permalink

they mellow out a lot once they get closer to 4

my 4 year old occasionally has tantrums, somewhat related to his autism but we've been able to pin down the triggers and that helps us prevent them most of the time

marcos, Friday, 17 March 2017 16:34 (one week ago) Permalink

it doesn't go away until kindergarten or so in my experience. It definitely doesn't just miraculously vanish when they turn 3. A friend of mine remarked once when I was complaining about "the terrible twos", "wait until you get to the fuckin' fours" and now that Judah is four omg is that the truth. It's kind of worse when they're older because they get more physically powerful and it's harder to just scoop them up and deposit them somewhere.

Οὖτις, Friday, 17 March 2017 16:35 (one week ago) Permalink

I think being able to talk/communicate their needs is a real big part of it. Once they learn they can express themselves/be understood verbally then they have less of an emotional need to lash out. So getting them to talk about their feelings and understand that they're being heard is a big help.

Οὖτις, Friday, 17 March 2017 16:36 (one week ago) Permalink

yea that's all true

marcos, Friday, 17 March 2017 16:40 (one week ago) Permalink

tantrums for us are almost a mathematical thing, if the answers to the following questions are "no" then we are probably fucked:

1) did they get enough sleep last night/today?
2) did they eat enough today?
3) have they taken a shit today?
4) did they avoid sugary foods today?

marcos, Friday, 17 March 2017 16:42 (one week ago) Permalink

2 was actually pretty easy aside from the newly discovered delight in just destroying everything around them; it's only in the past few weeks or so (and really only with one of them) that screaming fits have been added to the repertoire.

I have noticed that fatigue and constipation play a large part in this; the more amiable child is the one who falls asleep faster and has more regular bowel movements. I'm not sure how to really manage this aside from slipping the other one Immodium roofies.

Rachel Luther Queen (DJP), Friday, 17 March 2017 16:54 (one week ago) Permalink

In my experience, a kid throws a tantrum when he/she runs into certain boundaries, and uses them to stretch those boundaries. If you set them beforehand, and let your kids know what the limits are in a certain situation, you have to make sure to keep the boundaries and not give in. The screaming will stop when they find it doesn't work. Of course, that's the hardest part, especially when there are other people nearby.

Short version: kids are not the center of the universe, you set the rules, they obey. Not a very popular attitude these days, but it works.

xp - Regular sleep is very important. Our kids (age 7, 5 and 3) sleep close to 12 hours every day. They go to bed at 7 PM every night, no exception. They napped from 12 till 2 until they were about four years old. Kids need a lot of sleep.

ArchCarrier, Friday, 17 March 2017 16:57 (one week ago) Permalink

tired-tantrums are def a thing. Judah can go into a weird violent fugue state - like, just wordless arms flailing and punching anybody in sight - if he's exhausted and not getting his way.

Οὖτις, Friday, 17 March 2017 17:02 (one week ago) Permalink

ok so I've got a 2 1/2 year old who does this thing now where you put him in the crib and he wants to hold your hand and sing songs and practice his entire vocabulary for like...half an hour before falling asleep. if I leave him at any point in this process he loses his mind. I can't let him cry himself to sleep but IDK what to do.

frogbs, Friday, 17 March 2017 17:51 (one week ago) Permalink

Whatever you do to change this behaviour, you should go slowly. You let it get to this point over two and a half years, so you can't expect him to change overnight. Talk with him during dinner about how you will sing three songs tonight and read one story or something. Make sure he understands. Then, when you want to leave and he does start crying, remind him of the new rules and leave. Let him cry. It will be heartbreaking if you're not used to it, but it won't hurt. He will learn.

We used to have the ten minute rule: if our oldest cried for more than ten minutes on end, we went to check on her. She hardly ever cried that long, although it sometimes seemed to last for hours.

ArchCarrier, Friday, 17 March 2017 18:25 (one week ago) Permalink

ten minutes can be excruciatingly long in child-crying-time, yeah

setting limits def necessary. whether or not they understand limits... well that will be revealed to you I guess lol

Οὖτις, Friday, 17 March 2017 18:27 (one week ago) Permalink

The most important thing is to set the new rules sometime before he goes to bed, when he's calm and understands. Remind him a couple of times before you take him to bed. He will try to get back to the old situation, but you have to keep in mind your ideal of reading him a bedtime story and leaving him. Our bedtime rituals (excluding reading time) hardly ever last for more than five minutes.

ArchCarrier, Friday, 17 March 2017 18:29 (one week ago) Permalink

its strange because he kind of did change overnight. used to be difficult to put him down, then all the sudden he was asking to go to his crib right away. he'd talk and sing to himself for a few minutes and then doze off. a couple weeks ago he asked for my hand and I gave it to him, so he's been doing it ever since

tbh I'm not sure what he gets and what he doesn't get. I think he understands more than he lets on.

frogbs, Friday, 17 March 2017 18:33 (one week ago) Permalink

like, if I say "I'll read a book to you and then I'm going to leave", I don't think he yet understands that

We used to have the ten minute rule: if our oldest cried for more than ten minutes on end, we went to check on her.

yeah this is the part that confuses me sometimes, b/c I've heard that doing this teaches the child that they get what they want if they cry long enough. but you don't wanna leave 'em in there forever.

frogbs, Friday, 17 March 2017 18:35 (one week ago) Permalink

you can also tell him that you are leaving but that you will come back and check on him. 2 1/2 is not too young to understand that concept. we've done that with our boys in the past and it helps calm their anxiety about us leaving quite a bit

marcos, Friday, 17 March 2017 18:36 (one week ago) Permalink

I think being able to talk/communicate their needs is a real big part of it. Once they learn they can express themselves/be understood verbally then they have less of an emotional need to lash out. So getting them to talk about their feelings and understand that they're being heard is a big help.

yeah, I've found that to be the case too. Like, when my son (29 months) starts flipping out we tell him to use his words and tell us what's wrong. When we want him to do something he's not ready to do, he now sits down and says "I want to be alone" We leave him be for about 20 seconds at which point he usually says "I feel better now" and is ready to move on. I think he learned some self control from that "Calm-Down Time" book. Of course sometimes communication is stuff like Me: "I want you to put your toys away." Him: "No. I don't want to. Daddy can do it."

duped and used by my worst Miss U (President Keyes), Friday, 17 March 2017 18:46 (one week ago) Permalink

I tell our more frequent tantrumer that I can't do anything to help him if he screams at me. About 50% of the time he will calm down and tell me what he wants (usually to watch/hear the Big Bang Theory theme song, which is surprisingly easy to memorize via osmosis, I've discovered)

Rachel Luther Queen (DJP), Friday, 17 March 2017 18:50 (one week ago) Permalink

my wife said that worked - just say something like "I'm going to go pee pee" (he understands that since we're trying to potty train him), and then just don't come back, unless he starts crying I guess. didn't work for me though.

one thing I should mention, we just had #2, and though he's been very good with the little one, he's definitely been looking for our attention way more since she was born

another thing I should mention, he's growing up bi-lingual. or at least we're trying to have him grow up that way. so his speech is a bit delayed.

frogbs, Friday, 17 March 2017 18:53 (one week ago) Permalink

Being bilingual shouldn't be a problem for understanding you.

A new baby in the house does shake things up sometimes, but it usually settles pretty quickly if you make sure to give the oldest some quality time, for example during the hours when the baby is sleeping.

ArchCarrier, Friday, 17 March 2017 19:26 (one week ago) Permalink

well, seems to have worked so far

I tell him, "ok, good night..." and walk away after a few minutes. He starts fussing after 30 seconds or so but gives up and falls asleep a minute or two later. So, hey.

frogbs, Monday, 20 March 2017 20:33 (one week ago) Permalink

Awesome, man.

ArchCarrier, Monday, 20 March 2017 21:42 (one week ago) Permalink

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