ILX Parenting 6: "Put Some Goddamn Pants On Before You Go Outside!" is a thing I say now

Sure I've taken punches, kicks, headbutts, flying elbows etc. but never had the main event itself pinned between a foot and a bed. I woke up to it, and briefly in my painful stupor imagined it might have to be partially reattached.

The worst I've gotten was a knock to the temple with a maraca. That shit hurt for over a week.

worst child-related injury for me involved a toy similar to this
https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/31R-EaiXNAL._SX300_.jpg
it was on my daughter's bed and i plopped down on the bed and managed to hit the bee just right so that the stick part flew up and the handle at the end hit me right in the bridge of my nose. just like sideshow bob and the rakes. no lasting damage but it hurt so bad.

I've never experienced such extended comedy of errors cascades than I have since I've been a parent.

Like of course your kid takes off his diaper as soon as he wakes up and of course he's pooed in it and yes after you've wrangled him onto the change table and banged your funny bone against it while putting a new diaper on will he wriggle away and, as you're washing your hands, somehow get the laundry detergent off a high shelf and start pouring it on the floor and then cry when he slips in it and you're frantically try to sop it up. Repeat series of similar events weekly.

And so many minor injuries!

Only multiplies with two of them. Especially when one of them screaming sets off the other screaming and vice versa.

So much head bonking! Children of earth - be mindful of where you are wildly flailing your head in joy and abandon! You may crash it into a bedpost or dad and then sadness will ensue!

I feel like half my childhood memories involve headbonking! (I have two brothers)

This morning while trying to help my toddler not take the lid off his milk cup, I managed to knock a pot off a shelf and onto my baby toe, which was already black and blue from some child-related injury last week! Then my kid barfed in his stroller in the way home. That also involved milk.

D:

Toddler dropped iPad onto the top of my bare foot the other day. Ouch. Also, when she's in the carrier these days she swings her feet, which are not at crotch-level.

I finally know what it feels like to have my dick stepped on.

for real, my daughter seems to think I'm some kind of benevolent climbable giant, and quite all of a sudden, all day everyday I'm looking out for number 1. so weird to just be resting with my palm on my crotch because my 3 yr old daughter is on the same couch that I'm on and who knows where she's headed

comedy of errors is exactly it. have never in my life participated in such a wild, ridiculous day-to-day as I have raising a child. completely unbelievable.

and yet...there is just nothing so fascinating as a front row seat for the creation of a New Person™

have we done a Parenting: C/D yet

Yeah, palm-over-crotch is totally a commmon posture for me now too.

i very, very nearly posted that exact moment exchange here but actually it works better neanderthal's way around. valiant effort I tho on wins' part

i'm really starting to feel like Beaten Down Dad

ok, have eight peaches before dinner

sure, don't do your homework, wtf do i care it's your life

lol

that's the spirit

"Ok one more octonauts episode" is the one I'm really bad about, bc deep down I know it means another 22 minutes of peacefully looking at my iPhone.

3yo son: "I'm gonna eat your penis!"
Me: "That is a thing that is not going to happen."
3yo son: "Us gonna eat all the penises!"
Me: ...

talking with my son now is basically like one long Butthole Surfers song

Trying to use proper words during diaper changes now has my kid talking about his "peesin" and "test takers".

Also he pissed while standing in the bathtub last night and was like HOLY SHIT HOW DID I DO THAT and spent the next couple of minutes thrusting his crotch out hoping that it would happen again.

"Ok one more octonauts episode" is the one I'm really bad about, bc deep down I know it means another 22 minutes of peacefully looking at my iPhone.

― the last famous person you were surprised to discover was actually (man alive), Tuesday, September 6, 2016 1:35 PM (seven minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

We've been on a HUGE Octonauts kick lately. I like it a little less than Wild Kratts, but between the two my kid knows more about animal behavior than I have ever learned.

octonauts is the greatest tho

do they have american accents in america???

no

it's p much all former-British colony accents + Peso

Same classist division of accents

btw I'm p bad with specific british accents -- what would you call the captain's accent?

K started pre-k today. Having just hung out with an old best friend who is still childless, I was just thinking about how having kids marks the passage of time and aging in a very distinct way that you maybe don't feel as much without them, like it gives life a clear narrative arc, where it's really easy to picture all the future milestones approaching. You don't start a new grade every year, just get a year older, which seems like nothing, but a new grade is huge. New schools, starting new activities or sports, puberty, college apps, college, and they're suddenly adults who no longer live with you, it all comes up very fast compared to any specific, marked changes that occur in a childless person's life. It almost makes me want a third child just to have the illusion of prolonging this phase of life.

It almost makes me want a third child just to have the illusion of prolonging this phase of life.

yea, i've thought about that too, we're not having another but i've often thought about having another so i can postpone having to say goodbye to these early childhood years, which tbh are racing by. other times though i can't wait to get some of this horrible shit (tantrums, no sleep, etc) over with. i look at some family members with kids who are 8, 10, 13 etc and it seems so much easier

We're really thinking about having another kid right now. We're so unprepared for it, especially financially, but if we wait much longer we'll probably be too old. Like, if he had a third kid now, my wife would be 60 when they graduated from high school. I'm really stressing about this and not sure what to do. Our youngest just started kindergarten this week and our oldest is in 7th.

We're sort of in the same position, like ideally another 3-5 years before having another kid would be best financially (because I don't see affording an actual house before then), but then we'll be pushing the "older parents" envelope in terms of risks, energy etc.

I'll be 52 and Carl will be 58 if/when our kid graduates from high school. We will not be having another. Unless we find one on the street then maybe we would keep it.

My fourth (a boy) was born last night!

wow congrats!!!

teens > little ones, except for cuddling. easier? I dunno, you have to be more on your game the older they get. but it's more fun. at least for me, but I don't like babies, despite having raised 3 of them.

xp nice! I don't think we're gonna go for 4 but I see the appeal (here in France mothers win a medal from the government for having 4 kids)

congrats!

Heh, thanks everyone :)

Unfortunately we don't get a medal here in Holland, and also no discounts and other perks like big families get in Belgium.

Still, four kids feels alright somehow. They were all born about two years apart from each other, so they all grow up together.

ah that's great! Congrats! Would quite like a second, now, but cannot ever imagine wanting more than that...

Congrats Arch!

Aw! Congratulations!

congratulations!

dates to 1920, when France needed babies after WW1

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/a/ac/Medaillesdelafamilefrancaise.jpg

we get perks for 3 kids, reduced tariffs for entry into museums/cultural things etc., and on transport. but to get the bronze medal we need 4, silver is 6, gold is 8.

Well done arch!

This weekend, I checked my kid's search history prompted by Tracer's story. I came up clean! He could be using some sort of "Incognito" mode though. I wouldn't put it past him because he's pretty savvy, but I didn't worry about it today.

I did find out that he has a YouTube channel though! He makes videos of himself playing Call of Duty and other games while telling little stories about his life or trying to be funny. His history of liked videos was mostly the same. Anyway, there wasn't any worrying content in the videos except for at one point he inadvertently doxxes one of his friends from school, who also has a channel doing the exact same thing: "Oh, and let me tell you about [channel] name. His name is [the kids' full name]..." *sigh* The video doesn't have enough views though for me to be worried about it though.

Anyway, just wanted to share the results of my snooping.

― how's life, Sunday, June 5, 2016 9:39 AM (three months ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Ha ha. This youtube channel thing went bad pretty fast. I'm not going to give any details on here, but for the love of god people, don't miss any opportunity to spy on your kids online. Track that shit!

😕

yeah it's been that way-ish for us as recounted on either this or another thread, but I dunno, he's 13, I'd been checking out my dad's playboys and penthouses for years by that point. also is there really much that's that bad on youtube? my kids watch *tons* of youtube (pretty much no tv anymore, by their choice) and they mostly seem to watch minecraft videos etc. is there much gore or boobs on youtube? (not talking about the rest of the net OBV)

No, it's not about the rest of youtube's content for me. It's about his. There's a cyberbullying angle to it. I'm pretty disappointed.

oh, I see, wow. ugh.

I'm worried similarly about the 11yo in our household. I've overheard him being really quite aggressive/bossy to his friends online on Skype when they game online. He's a good kid, but god boys are dicks on the internet.