Kids say the darndest things

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I had to post this, since I've been cracking up about it since Saturday.

The boys were in the bath, and they started screeching:

Ben: EEEEEEEEEEE! EEEEEEEEEEEE!

My wife: Ben! Use your inside voice.

Ben (quietly): eeeeeEEEEEeeeee.

schwantz, Monday, 2 February 2009 22:58 (seven years ago) Permalink

I heartily endorse this thread/post.

PappaWheelie V, Monday, 2 February 2009 23:11 (seven years ago) Permalink

When I told Ophelia told her for the gazillionth time to put her hand in front of her mouth when coughing.

"I don't have any coughs anymore."

Nathalie (stevienixed), Tuesday, 3 February 2009 08:37 (seven years ago) Permalink

Every male person outside the family is currently known and greeted as 'Funny Man'. Or occasionally 'Mr Tumble' (the latter unfortunately applies to women as well).

Archel, Tuesday, 3 February 2009 11:25 (seven years ago) Permalink

hahaha

JAM, DWANGELA, RELLY! (sunny successor), Tuesday, 3 February 2009 14:28 (seven years ago) Permalink

In the elevator at the gym with my wife, Owen read another woman's thoughts by asking "are you twins?" and then answered himself "yeah."

schwantz, Saturday, 7 February 2009 05:39 (seven years ago) Permalink

hahaha

JAM, DWANGELA, RELLY! (sunny successor), Saturday, 7 February 2009 14:40 (seven years ago) Permalink

Thank you for starting this thread. I love this stuff.

A friend at work has a two year old who has started using "Obama" as a name for pretty much everyone. He asks qustions all the time about Obama too. They're potty training him and so the other night she was asking Henry who poops. He said, "Mama poops and Daddy poops and Henry poops!" She asked who else poops thinking he's say grandma or something and he replied with, "Obama poops!!"

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Saturday, 7 February 2009 15:31 (seven years ago) Permalink

my 7 year old nephew to his mom:

"I stopped sucking my thumb. When you get older it loses its taste."

sleeve, Tuesday, 10 February 2009 02:17 (seven years ago) Permalink

That is exactly what I concluded about thumb-sucking (at an embarrassingly older age). Though it took having my arm in a plaster cast for seemingly years (I broke my arm three times in quick succession) to stop me in the end.

Also, Obama totally does poop!

Archel, Tuesday, 10 February 2009 09:35 (seven years ago) Permalink

Re: Honeymoon - "Did you GO to the moon?"

lemmy tristano (James Redd and the Blecchs), Thursday, 12 February 2009 00:16 (seven years ago) Permalink

my son when 3ish, upon eating something good: "I can't believe my mouth!" I promise he made this up himself.

Euler, Thursday, 12 February 2009 00:20 (seven years ago) Permalink

AWWWWW!!!

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Thursday, 12 February 2009 00:23 (seven years ago) Permalink

My kids are too old for their current sayings to be here...

But, Alice (particularly) would say such WTF things back in the day. Most (or, man) are all over ILE, but here's one of the top ones...

She was about four, I reckon.

I was explaining the whole "eggs in mummy's tummy" business.

Alice: "But how did the eggs get there?"
Me: "They were all there when Mummy was born"
Alice: "hmm. So, that means My egg and Amber's egg are exactly the same age"
Me: ".... yeah!"
Alice: (saying nothing, but now has decided Amber doesn't have 2 years superiority anymore)

Mark G, Friday, 13 February 2009 11:10 (seven years ago) Permalink

Ophelia told her father: "Wannes is in love with me." I know, not the darndest thing but still made go all AAAAAWWWWWWWWW.

Nathalie (stevienixed), Friday, 13 February 2009 14:13 (seven years ago) Permalink

my son when 3ish, upon eating something good: "I can't believe my mouth!" I promise he made this up himself.

― Euler, Wednesday, February 11, 2009 7:20 PM (1 week ago) Bookmark

Get that kid a TV commercial.

Bonobos in Paneradise (Hurting 2), Sunday, 22 February 2009 07:21 (seven years ago) Permalink

haha yeah

i was driving beeps home from daycare last week and had silver jews playing in the car. so black and brown blues comes on and i start singing along at the top of my voice when i look in the rear view mirror and beeps is smacking her knee along with the song with a big smile on her face. she catches me looking at her and says 'you go, mama!'. let it be known i have the worst singing voice ever. kid is good for the ego.

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 22 February 2009 14:57 (seven years ago) Permalink

I will work on the tv thing!

I love that my kids love my singing. It helps that it's mutual; when they're caterwauling away I tend to complement them (you know, like you do when they bring you their latest painting or sculpture).

My youngest kid, age 2, went canvassing with my wife for the Dems during the campaign last fall. Now she's taken to calling the paper subscription inserts in magazines, "Democrats". I guess it's because they're like the voter info cards that we distributed? But now she is hoarding a big pile of these things and gets angry when you take her Democrats. Silly stuff but I love it.

Euler, Sunday, 22 February 2009 16:21 (seven years ago) Permalink

I love that all the two year old kids in SF know and mangle the words "Barack Obama."

schwantz, Monday, 23 February 2009 17:25 (seven years ago) Permalink

nothing like this ever happens to me

鬼の手 (Edward III), Monday, 23 February 2009 17:59 (seven years ago) Permalink

Howie knows a lot of animal names but always calls a cat "Miaow", even though he can spell the word. Hence the following conversation:

Us: "Howie, what's the first letter of cat?"
Howie: "C!"
"And what's the second letter of cat?"
"A!"
"And what's the last letter of cat?"
"T!"
"[Pointing to letters in book] So, what does 'C-A-T' spell, Howie?"
"[Thinks for a moment...} Miaow!"

Meg (Meg Busset), Monday, 23 February 2009 23:28 (seven years ago) Permalink

my nearly 12-week-old has been babbling non-stop. it's such a nice change from shrieking.

Oh Why, Sports Coat? (Dr. Superman), Thursday, 26 February 2009 19:17 (seven years ago) Permalink

(Apologies if I've already told this story on ILX, can't remember)

A few weeks ago, Ava was being extremely naughty, pushing Pam away, shouting "Don't talk to me! Don't look at me!", etc. Pam wrote down "Naughty girls don't get visits from their friends or treats or get to go to the park" on a slip of paper and handed it to the noncommunicative hell-child.

Ava read it out loud, looked at the paper for a few seconds and then announced, "I'm going to tear this into tiny pieces." It was all Pam could do not to burst out laughing right there...

Michael Jones, Saturday, 28 February 2009 21:25 (seven years ago) Permalink

haa :)

ice cr?m, Sunday, 1 March 2009 00:26 (seven years ago) Permalink

this morning: "there are so many things in this room, it's like an optical course"

鬼の手 (Edward III), Sunday, 1 March 2009 00:46 (seven years ago) Permalink

SS, that's the cutest thing ever! Ophelia requests all my music to stop playing so she can listen to her music. Grrr. Elisabeth loves most music we play. This morning she immediately started waving her hand when Marvin Gaye started singing. She also looooves Pulsinger.

Nathalie (stevienixed), Sunday, 1 March 2009 13:30 (seven years ago) Permalink

its still so weird to me these little creatures have already developed their own tastes. that silver jews moment was a rare one. usually she'll sit there going 'wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? brobie? wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? " etc until we put it on.

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 1 March 2009 14:04 (seven years ago) Permalink

nickelodeon brainwash

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 1 March 2009 14:04 (seven years ago) Permalink

she found a tampon and asked what it was. i mumbled her mommy bleeds every month and that it stops the bleeding.

"so mommy leaks."

uh yeah, i guess....

the tip of the tongue taking a trip tralalala (stevienixed), Friday, 6 March 2009 22:33 (seven years ago) Permalink

Edward, I'm amazed. That's amazing.

How can there be male ladybugs? (Laurel), Friday, 6 March 2009 22:41 (seven years ago) Permalink

We remembered another one from our son a few years back, when he was 2-ish: out of the blue one day, he asked "why we is not ducks?". I didn't know what to say. Really, why? The mind boggles.

Euler, Saturday, 7 March 2009 01:56 (seven years ago) Permalink

My friend did this facebook thing earlier where she had to ask her kids a series of questions about herself and write in their answers. Her sons are around 6 and 4, I think.

Q: How tall is your Mom?

A: "15 degrees" -Ben "Probably 10 inches high" -Zac

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Saturday, 7 March 2009 04:50 (seven years ago) Permalink

i seriously can't get over "15 degrees"

been HOOS, where yyyou steene!? (BIG HOOS aka the steendriver), Saturday, 7 March 2009 05:02 (seven years ago) Permalink

I know, I love it.

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Saturday, 7 March 2009 05:03 (seven years ago) Permalink

I showed Beeps a full page face ad of Gisele Bündchen in the lastest issure of Glamour and asked 'who is that?' She replied 'Mama!' Damn straight.

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 8 March 2009 03:30 (seven years ago) Permalink

keep that one around!

yur twit (tehresa), Sunday, 8 March 2009 03:35 (seven years ago) Permalink

hopefully her eyesight will never improve

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 8 March 2009 03:37 (seven years ago) Permalink

Howie does that when we read the book 'Terrible Trolls' -- points at them and says "Mummy! Daddy!"

I will have to send him round to Beeps for some training.

Meg (Meg Busset), Sunday, 8 March 2009 13:02 (seven years ago) Permalink

I showed Beeps a full page face ad of Gisele Bündchen in the lastest issure of Glamour and asked 'who is that?' She replied 'Mama!' Damn straight.

A keeper! :-)

the tip of the tongue taking a trip tralalala (stevienixed), Monday, 9 March 2009 14:19 (seven years ago) Permalink

z (4-yr-old) industriously constructing puzzle on the floor, while rex (11 mos.) repeatedly crawls through it, picks up pieces, sticks them in his mouth, etc. z fairly patiently nudges rex away two or three times, says "no, rex," but on about the 4th time, in exasperation, he yelps, "DAMMIT REX!"

paper plans (tipsy mothra), Monday, 16 March 2009 23:50 (seven years ago) Permalink

kids swearing: classic. One of my kids didn't really understand what the word dammit was, so he'd say, "debit", as in "debit card", which got us off the hook with my mother-in-law.

Euler, Tuesday, 17 March 2009 00:27 (seven years ago) Permalink

z (4-yr-old) industriously constructing puzzle on the floor, while rex (11 mos.) repeatedly crawls through it, picks up pieces, sticks them in his mouth, etc. z fairly patiently nudges rex away two or three times, says "no, rex," but on about the 4th time, in exasperation, he yelps, "DAMMIT REX!"

― paper plans (tipsy mothra), Monday, March 16, 2009 6:50 PM (2 hours ago) Bookmark

ok so this is the funniest/cuetest thing i have read in a while

i like to fart and i am crazy (gbx), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 02:01 (seven years ago) Permalink

Agreed. That's so cute.

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 12:37 (seven years ago) Permalink

it cracked us up. but i guess we need to do some policing of it before he gets to kindergarten.

paper plans (tipsy mothra), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 17:08 (seven years ago) Permalink

Apparently in kindergarten I referred to a toy car as "that goddamn son of a bitch". Wasn't mad, that's just what I called it.

WmC, Tuesday, 17 March 2009 17:14 (seven years ago) Permalink

i once very cheerfully yelled to my pal "see you later, asshole!" as our parents were taking us home from preschool. my mom was not, uh, thrilled

i like to fart and i am crazy (gbx), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 21:54 (seven years ago) Permalink

^ That is awesome.

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 22:51 (seven years ago) Permalink

ha i once came home from school in 1st or 2nd grade and told my parents "the bus driver is an asshole" not really knowing what that meant :-/

HHooHHHooHH-oob (harbl), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 22:53 (seven years ago) Permalink

Alice has been known to bang her fist on the table and yell 'dammit!' but I strongly suspect her dad has been coaching her for his own amusement. Though come to think of it she's also started a thing of regularly shouting 'it's a deal!' and shaking hands with us. Clearly a future CEO :(

Archel, Thursday, 19 March 2009 09:36 (seven years ago) Permalink

OK, heree goez:

In Venice, back at the flat, playing whist:

Mum: "Hearts!"
Alice: (Oh, fuMMMFTH)

The sound of Alice slapping her hand over her mouth, too late.
She got embarrassed, we just laffed. (She was 8)

Mark G, Monday, 23 March 2009 14:02 (seven years ago) Permalink

lol, that's probably about as well as I would do.

how's life, Friday, 23 September 2016 10:22 (three months ago) Permalink

LOL

ArchCarrier, Friday, 23 September 2016 10:42 (three months ago) Permalink

Reminds me of the time when I was about 6. An older friend pointed out something in a (very decent) mail order catalog and I yelled through the room full of (very decent) people: 'Mom! What are condoms?!?'

ArchCarrier, Friday, 23 September 2016 10:44 (three months ago) Permalink

Ella (3yo) and her pitches for TV shows she would like to see:

* Huggle Paddle the Duck and His Great Adventures of the Twinkling Fairy
* The Broccoli That Wore Underpants
* Robot of the Flowers
* The Ant and the Nice Leaf
* The Haloumi That Turned a Biscuit into a Cake
* The Magic Rose Who Turned a Princess Into a Beast

I hear from this arsehole again, he's going in the river (James Morrison), Sunday, 25 September 2016 09:54 (three months ago) Permalink

would watch

Flamenco Drop (VegemiteGrrl), Sunday, 25 September 2016 15:10 (three months ago) Permalink

apparently donald trump is bad because he's going to send all the white people to mexico

Immediate Follower (NA), Tuesday, 4 October 2016 14:10 (three months ago) Permalink

xxp
of Montreal EP reissue series is going well

Lennon, Elvis, Hendrix etc (dog latin), Tuesday, 4 October 2016 14:35 (three months ago) Permalink

We have to calm down Beeps every few weeks since this election went full-tilt-swing. She's worried that her best friend at school, a Muslim, is going to be sent somewhere. She's worried that many of her Hispanic classmates are going to get rounded up. She's been guarded about this next point, but she's also very much aware that her mother is an immigrant, albeit a white English-speaking one.

We've talked to her about how this man is crazy with crazy ideas; how he likely won't get elected; how even if he did, many of these actions couldn't take place; how her friends aren't going to get deported; that Mommy is safe; that ---

But it's fucking ludicrous that we have to have these talks because of an actual major-party candidate running for president of the United States.

pplains, Tuesday, 4 October 2016 14:54 (three months ago) Permalink

OTOH, Hammer told me that for his birthday, he wants a machete, one of those gray flannel moving blankets, and an American flag. I'm scared to ask him which candidate he supports.

pplains, Tuesday, 4 October 2016 14:55 (three months ago) Permalink

Henry, portrait of a serial killer

Flamenco Drop (VegemiteGrrl), Tuesday, 4 October 2016 15:35 (three months ago) Permalink

Yeah, that one used to be funny.

pplains, Tuesday, 4 October 2016 16:17 (three months ago) Permalink

One of these is a picture of us from the year 2039. Just not sure which one yet.

pplains, Tuesday, 4 October 2016 16:19 (three months ago) Permalink

I LOLed

Quarter measures (sunny successor), Wednesday, 5 October 2016 14:03 (three months ago) Permalink

<3

Flamenco Drop (VegemiteGrrl), Wednesday, 5 October 2016 14:16 (three months ago) Permalink

Wife: Do you like being in the first grade?
Kid: As much as a letter loves a mailbox.

W: And do you like your new teacher?
K: As much as a sausage loves a frying pan.

early rejecter, Friday, 7 October 2016 17:37 (three months ago) Permalink

"i need u" by bieber/diplo/skrillex is now known in our house as "Yammy Doodle" because this is how my 5-y-o has interpreted the first cut-up lyrics

illegal economic migration (Tracer Hand), Saturday, 8 October 2016 10:19 (three months ago) Permalink

("i need you / i need you / i need you" = "yammy doodle / yammy doodle / yammy doodle")

illegal economic migration (Tracer Hand), Saturday, 8 October 2016 10:19 (three months ago) Permalink

aw

how's life, Saturday, 8 October 2016 10:59 (three months ago) Permalink

Ella: I can't reach that.
my wife: Well, get your stool and you can climb up.
Ella: If you think that's wise, woman!

I hear from this arsehole again, he's going in the river (James Morrison), Monday, 10 October 2016 08:31 (three months ago) Permalink

XD

how's life, Monday, 10 October 2016 10:17 (three months ago) Permalink

"Woman!"

schwantz, Monday, 10 October 2016 15:25 (three months ago) Permalink

Judah has taken to singing Steely Dan's "Dirty Work" to himself while playing "construction". Except he kinda barks it out, staccato: "I'M A FOOL TO DO YO DIRTY WORK! OH YEAH!"

Οὖτις, Monday, 10 October 2016 15:32 (three months ago) Permalink

three weeks pass...

A friend was getting checked for testicular cancer, which came up in conversation, so we explained to Ella that this meant a doctor had to look at his testicles.
"Oh! Which one?"

I hear from this arsehole again, he's going in the river (James Morrison), Sunday, 6 November 2016 02:59 (two months ago) Permalink

An Important Question.

Eallach mhór an duine leisg (dowd), Sunday, 6 November 2016 06:45 (two months ago) Permalink

7-y-o: "ok what will you give me if i punch this punching bag all the way to the floor?"

me: "5.... million dollars"

his eyes light up, he does it

"ok pay up!!!!"

"i guess i don't have it on me right now"

"what is this, donald trump???"

illegal economic migration (Tracer Hand), Friday, 18 November 2016 20:04 (two months ago) Permalink

Sue that kid.

schwantz, Friday, 18 November 2016 20:29 (two months ago) Permalink

the last line is his!!

illegal economic migration (Tracer Hand), Friday, 18 November 2016 20:39 (two months ago) Permalink

wait so your very powerful son punched a punching bag off its chain and onto the floor??

jason waterfalls (gbx), Friday, 18 November 2016 22:42 (two months ago) Permalink

dude i even gave stage directions

it's a kid's punching bag

illegal economic migration (Tracer Hand), Friday, 18 November 2016 23:01 (two months ago) Permalink

"Mom, I like you. But I'm not a lesbian."

completely out of nowhere.

droit au butt (Euler), Saturday, 19 November 2016 11:38 (two months ago) Permalink

Hahaha

I hear from this arsehole again, he's going in the river (James Morrison), Sunday, 20 November 2016 00:54 (two months ago) Permalink

lol

Flamenco Drop (VegemiteGrrl), Sunday, 20 November 2016 01:29 (two months ago) Permalink

2 year old : "I want snack."
Me : "OK what do you want?"
2yo: "I want sugar."

Immediate Follower (NA), Saturday, 26 November 2016 15:26 (one month ago) Permalink

same

Flamenco Drop (VegemiteGrrl), Saturday, 26 November 2016 19:01 (one month ago) Permalink

Planet Earth II:

narration: "it is a world very few have ever explored....."

"one of them's david attenborough"

illegal economic migration (Tracer Hand), Sunday, 27 November 2016 18:44 (one month ago) Permalink

👍

mark s, Sunday, 27 November 2016 18:49 (one month ago) Permalink

Seven-year-old talking about some weird RPG he's playing...

H: I did it! I shot the sheriff!

ME: Oh yeah? But did you shoot the deputy?

H: Naw, he's the one who helped me kill the sheriff!

I was not made for these times.

pplains, Sunday, 27 November 2016 20:41 (one month ago) Permalink

lol

Flamenco Drop (VegemiteGrrl), Sunday, 27 November 2016 21:24 (one month ago) Permalink

old man look at yr life

Flamenco Drop (VegemiteGrrl), Sunday, 27 November 2016 21:25 (one month ago) Permalink

mr 8 year old is, as I've mentioned afore, an extremely fussy eater. Like almost pathalogically so.

Oh but his invisible friend? He's awesome. He eats ALL the vegetables, and loves them, and eats real healthy so he can run fast.

WTF, kid.

Stoop Crone (Trayce), Monday, 28 November 2016 00:05 (one month ago) Permalink

I remember feeling a ton of anxiety and guilt for being a picky eater. Maybe this is externalization?

schwantz, Monday, 28 November 2016 03:12 (one month ago) Permalink

Hm I guess it could be!

Stoop Crone (Trayce), Monday, 28 November 2016 05:34 (one month ago) Permalink

Captain Howdy eats all of his green peas!

pplains, Monday, 28 November 2016 12:04 (one month ago) Permalink

Er bif...er bif...

Eallach mhór an duine leisg (dowd), Monday, 28 November 2016 12:17 (one month ago) Permalink

one month passes...

Naked 3yo walks into room, yells: "Dance! Dance like you've never danced before!"

I hear from this arsehole again, he's going in the river (James Morrison), Sunday, 8 January 2017 09:22 (one week ago) Permalink

At breakfast :

Me : why are you farting so much?
E: I must have been eating beans in my dreams

Immediate Follower (NA), Sunday, 8 January 2017 15:32 (one week ago) Permalink

It's probably my most eaten dream food, at least since I stopped eating meat.

Eallach mhór an duine leisg (dowd), Sunday, 8 January 2017 16:56 (one week ago) Permalink

"The wedding song is a lullaby for the monsters to go to sleep. "

how's life, Tuesday, 17 January 2017 00:55 (three days ago) Permalink

Judah now saying "are you kidding me?" Like its his fucking catchphrase

Οὖτις, Tuesday, 17 January 2017 01:01 (three days ago) Permalink

Darkly muttered: "I hope that dog doesn't pee on my grave."

I hear from this arsehole again, he's going in the river (James Morrison), Tuesday, 17 January 2017 01:58 (three days ago) Permalink


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