Alternate endings to classic jokes

knock knock
who's there?
irish stew
irish stew who?
thats my full name. i have wierd parents.

well, dead quite probably or at the very least severely brain-damaged!

A: Because they match the rest of the outfit.

Q: Is your refrigerator running?

A: No, the power went out this morning.

Q: What time is it when your clock strikes thirteen?

A: Thirteen o'clock obviously, dumbass.

Man, this thread could go on for years.

A strange turn of events

just by my foot

shake it

what do you call a dog owned by dracula

fido

what does paul inces mum make for christmas

turkey - with all the trimmings, its what paul likes. (the punch line is Ince pies - but i dont know what an ince is and how it would taste)

Well, they were based in France, of course, but in pursuit of Empire at various times they occupied or fought in Italy, Germany, Spain, Holland, Austria and even Egypt.

After spending years living away from the mainstream, ashamed of his disability and unable to lift the heavier boxes of washing powder in sainsburys, he decided that he shouldn't hide away because, hey, he's human too, and they sell those handy small pack of Ariel now. He crossed the road to reach the supermarket, and unwittingly to get run over by some drugged up carnival workers drunk on vodka and imitation red bull.

A man who has been unfortunately paralysed following a canoeing accident.

(real answer = "a comb", just for the record)

A visit from the RSPCA who will imply you were stunning the rabbits to use them for your sexual games... resulting in a criminal conviction.

"Well" says the doctor "It's obvious that you have a fetishistic desire to expose yourself in public, let me refer you to a psychiatrist"

Anything black, as black contains all the colours in the spectrum.

I refuse to answer this specious question. It is structured and not freeform and is therefore worthless. Was it blowing a sopranino bullroarer on its way across, to be met by the plangent arco bass of William Parker, shortly to be joined by Tristan Honsinger's mercurial cello?

This joke is overly facetious. Do not furnish me with levity without proper proof of its purpose.

Pete walked into the room. Pete pulled his trigger. Pete split all their skulls. Pete played dominoes with their teeth.

Tom: Is it asnotic?

It's really not appropriate to joke about it. It was a terrible tragedy. Hundreds of people died, many of them children.

- come in.

(maybe that one's been done already - haven't read the whole thread).

p - "dear God"
d - "i'm so sorry"

Q: Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in his car?
A: Fortunately, he was living in his van at the time.

Okay, that's not very funny, but you see where I'm going with this.

A woman goes to the grocery store, picks up some items, and goes to the register to make her purchases. She buys one TV dinner, one can of soda, one candy bar, and a pint of ice cream. As the cashier scans the groceries, he remarks "you must be single!". The woman asks him how he knew. The cashier replies, "well, you are clearly only purchasing groceries for one individual; I assume that if you were in a relationship you would have adjusted your grocery shopping to include purchasing items for your partner".

David Beckham is rummaging through his Xmas presents when he finds a curiously-shaped flask. He goes to Posh and asks her "What's this?" She says, "It's a Thermos flask, I got it for you to take to training. It keeps cold things cold and hot things hot."

David agrees that this would be a very useful addition to his kit, and duly takes it to training the next day. "What's that, David?" asks his coach. "You've never brought one of those in before."

"It's a Thermos flask, boss", he replies. "It keeps cold things cold and hot things hot."

"So what have you got in there?"

"Oh, some coffee."

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender immediately gets rid of it.

what are the original punchlines to those three jokes?

why did the chicken cross the road?

food probably, i don't know, i am not a fucking ornithologist you cock

my one was "two cups of coffee and a choc-ice"

that took me a few seconds

A man encounters a pirate, from whose open fly a steering wheel is protruding. "Excuse me," the man says, "you've a steering wheel protruding from your open fly." The pirate looks down and exclaims in surprise, "So I have! How curious!" Each goes on his own way.

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender immediately gets rid of it.

-- musically, Thursday, January 10, 2008 10:26 PM (4 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

ha

original punchlines to mine:

a) the cashier replies, "because you're ugly".
b) the bartender exclaims, "we have a drink named after you!". The grasshopper says, "what, Brandon?"