Craigslist hilarity

ts:

1. I have a life outside of the house

vs

I work about 35 hours a week, and study for about 100 or something

EXACTLY.

I think this guy will go on to become a real life Frank Grimes.

I can't tell if this one is as funny as I think it is or not:

hot blonde waitress at Max and Ermas - m4w - 53

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Reply to: pers-604782✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧
Date: 2008-03-13, 9:02AM EDT

You waited on us. Group of 10 by the Sundae bar on Tuesday the 11th. You are so hot. I don't know if you come here or not, but it is worth a shot. You are so HOT!!!

LOOKING FOR THE WOMAN WHO TRADED HERSELF FOR MY TV - m4w - 40

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Reply to: pers-612224✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧
Date: 2008-03-19, 10:58PM PDT

Spring 2003.

I was moving out of L.A. and selling some stuff on Craigslist.

I wanted $175 for my television. You answered my ad.

You said you needed a new TV but offered me something other than cash.

I waited for you downstairs.

You came rollin' down the sidewalk.

Two guys bumped into one another while looking at your delicious apple bottom.

I showed you that my TV worked. I put the cat outside.

Much better than $175.

I'm back in L.A.

I have another T.V.

Freddy Crooner is o_O

http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/muc/612752647.html

his homepage is even more fucked up

Bloeing (???)

The left channel is a Boeing "feel good about us" promotional ad which I mess up by shifting pitch and playback speed via Photon X25 midi controller & Ableton. The right channel is a text-to-speech synthesized voice reading descriptions of weapons from their web site.

Holy shit!

Police offer amnesty to people who stole from Craigslist hoax victim

12:17 PM PDT on Tuesday, March 25, 2008

By AP and kgw.com Staff

JACKSONVILLE, Ore. -- Police say belongings removed from a Southern Oregon man's property have begun slowly reappearing at his home, a day after a pair of hoax ads on Craigslist cost Robert Salisbury much of what he owned.

And police said people who return the items voluntarily will not be prosecuted.

The ads popped up Saturday afternoon, saying the owner of a Jacksonville home was forced to leave the area suddenly and his belongings, including a horse, were free for the taking, said Jackson County Sheriff's Detective Sgt. Colin Fagan.

But the ads were a hoax. Robert Salisbury had no plans to leave.

The independent contractor was at Emigrant Lake when he got a call from a woman who had stopped by his house to claim his horse.

On his way home he stopped a truck loaded down with his work ladders, lawn mower and weed eater.

"I informed them I was the owner, but they refused to give the stuff back," Salisbury said. "They showed me the Craigslist printout and told me they had the right to do what they did."

The driver sped away after rebuking Salisbury. On his way home he spotted other cars filled with his belongings.

Once home he was greeted by close to 30 people rummaging through his barn and front porch.

The trespassers, armed with printouts of the ad, tried to brush him off. "They honestly thought that because it appeared on the Internet it was true," Salisbury said. "It boggles the mind."

Jacksonville police and Jackson County sheriff's deputies arrived but by then several cars packed with Salisbury's property had fled.

He turned some license plate numbers over to police. By late Monday, s ome people who learned of the hoax began to return items taken from the home. Authorities weren't able to say how much or what had been returned, but did say that by late Monday afternoon, items were "starting to piling up" in Salisbury's driveway.

Michelle Easley had seen the ad that claimed Salisbury's horse had been declared abandoned by the sheriff's department and was free to a good home.

"I can't stand to see a horse suffer so I drove out there and got her," Easley said. "The horse didn't look abandoned. She is in good shape for being 32 years old."

But it looked odd, so she left a note on Salisbury's door explaining the ad. She then decided to call to make sure the ad was legitimate when the second similar ad appeared.

"I feel bad because I was a part of it," Easley said. "It felt right to call the police."

Fagan praised Easley's honestly but said prosecution was likely for anybody caught with Salisbury's property.

Officers were still contacting people who were seen leaving Salisbury's house with his stuff. If they return the taken items, no charges will be filed. But people who don’t return what they took may face charges.

Items can be returned with no questions asked, Fagan said.

Detectives have contacted Craigslist's legal team to try to trace the ad.

Meanwhile, Salisbury could not even relax on his porch swing -- someone took it.

Apparently it was a disgruntled niece who done did it!

"They honestly thought that because it appeared on the Internet it was true," Salisbury said. "It boggles the mind."

Allegedly real ad in bay area cl. I got it in email. Smells like bs, but whatever

<img src=http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j278/oilyrags/ATT00001.jpg>;

http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j278/oilyrags/ATT00001.jpg

Who is alleging this ad to be real?

whoever began sending it round, I guess.

According to Snopes it's a non-doctored pic, but that's bigger than any mastiff I've ever seen so I'm guessing there is either some trickery going on here.

http://www.snopes.com/photos/animals/bigdog.asp

The easiest sort of 'trickery' I can imagine that doesn't involve doctoring the pic would be if that woman is unusually petite.

And the dog disturbingly massive.

look at her hand on the dog's leg. it's not that big, its just closer to the camera.

http://shipdisturbers.com/bestofcraigslist.jpg

stomp around on the buildings, just don't break em'!

imitation crab meat

omg

if that doesn't top the ad from the dude who wanted to jerk off into a tornado, then surely it's a close second

lock thread, surely.

25-70

http://hudsonvalley.craigslist.org/muc/677453250.html

these two need to hook up

Need man to set up wireless network - 33
Reply to: pers-320771✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧
Date: 2007-04-28, 7:02PM CDT

My ex-husband tried and got things even more screwed up.
I need a good looking man, 21-45, to come to my home and set up my wireless network. We have one desktop and two laptops. We have DSL. What's so hard about that?
One BJ for payment, and then our relationship is over.
Interested?

* Location: Norwood Park
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 320771195

LOOKING FOR THE WOMAN WHO TRADED HERSELF FOR MY TV - m4w - 40

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Reply to: pers-612224✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧
Date: 2008-03-19, 10:58PM PDT

Spring 2003.

I was moving out of L.A. and selling some stuff on Craigslist.

I wanted $175 for my television. You answered my ad.

You said you needed a new TV but offered me something other than cash.

I waited for you downstairs.

You came rollin' down the sidewalk.

Two guys bumped into one another while looking at your delicious apple bottom.

I showed you that my TV worked. I put the cat outside.

Much better than $175.

I'm back in L.A.

I have another T.V.

"I put the cat outside"

My pedals are alphabetized so that I can easily find them in the middle of "battle".

dying

When you've been in the business as long as I have, you tend to come up with little time-saving tricks like that.

dying more, gagging on own vomit

poughkeepsie

that's where rock 'n' roll dreams come through!

photo taken in attic = still lives with parents?

i dunno but i saw a guy wearing chain mail in orlando once. maybe these two should hang out.

they can be the houseband at medieval times

I'm back in L.A.

I have another T.V.

wow this could be the chorus of a great song (including the rest of it as verses obviously)

I showed you that my TV worked. I put the cat outside.

flintstonesopeningcredits.jpg

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ksc/395322346.html

We could go get dinner (under $20), and watch a movie. Also I’m allergic to cats.

Oh hell no.

http://littlerock.craigslist.org/zip/692592254.html

someone doesn't really want to part with that printer.

http://gawker.com/392686/cash+waving-craigslist-players-fury-these-photos-are-mines

We have DSL....let me say that I will burn your section of the house down. I thought I was done after those two and then I read the christian wife ad and the cinderblock one. Craigslist; don't ever change.

I partake in only adventure/fantasy role play, no creepy goth stuff, it’s too weird.

O_O

http://madison.craigslist.org/mis/701252292.html

I see you everywhere. On the streets. In your cars. In class. At work. At bars. At restaurants. And all I want to do is go up to you and say just one thing:

Fuck you.

Fuck you incessantly bitching. About everything. About your ex-boyfriend. About your current boyfriend. About your slutty roommate. About your roommate who never gets laid. About your hangover. About all the lame TV. Shut. Your. Fat. Fucking. Mouth. You don’t like something? Change it. Who gives a fuck about your roommate. She’s having more/less sex than you? Why does it even matter. You saw your ex-boyfriend with another girl, and even though “you totally don’t care, like, at all”, you still talk and talk and talk about him. About nothing at all. Don’t like your current boyfriend? Talk to him. Dump him. Do something. Life is such a fucking adventure. Life is fleeting. Make it count. Do something. Change something. Take some fucking responsibility. Make it worth living.

Fuck you for not being able to choose the right men. Fuck you for following the same sorry pattern of behavior you always do, like a fucking clock. Fuck you for picking up someone at a bar, fucking him, and crying when he doesn’t call. What the fuck did you expect? Fuck you for going back to your ex-boyfriend, who’s always 3-5 years older, works a fucking dead end job, drinks every night, and has a career aspiration that he hasn’t followed up on in years. But he’s a musician. He’s an artist. He’s something that impresses you. So you stay. Because you’re weak. Because you’re stupid. Fuck. You. Fuck you for jumping from relationship to relationship like fucking lily pads. If the last two starving artists were insensitive, cheated on you, and made you pay for everything, does it nor stand to reason that the third one might be, gosh, the same? Maybe?

Fuck you for not calling. Fuck you for letting me think that our date went really well. (Oh, I guess that four-hour walk we went punctuated by making out was because you felt uncomfortable saying “no thanks”, right? Fuck you). Fuck you for not being a grown up. Fuck you for not taking responsibility. Fuck you for not saying three words: “I’m not interested”. Fuck you for not growing up. Fuck you for smoking. It’s a filthy motherfucking disgusting habit, and kissing you tastes like licking an industrial smokestack. Yes I’m judging you. Fuck you for spending hundreds of dollars on stupid, bullshit, trivialities. Fuck you for getting mad when I express an opinion you don’t want to hear.

Fuck you for getting mad when I play video games. I don’t get pissy when you and your inane girlfriends watch Sex and the City, do I? (Even though I should because it encourages all of you to act like stupid tramps. Chasing that theoretical “perfect man”. Mindlessly drinking. Expecting unrealistic media constructs that don’t exist in real life. Fuck you). No, I don’t get pissy when you do those things. You know why? They relax you. That’s why I play video games. They’re relaxing. They let the mind take a vacation from all the shit. Fuck you for not understanding that. Fuck you for twisting the situation into a them or me choice. Fuck you for thinking they’re juvenile.

Fuck you for wearing golashes. I guess they’re fashionable now, but you looked better in Uggs. They’re just giant pieces of rubber. You look like a fisherman. Or a city sewage worker. Fuck you for thinking small dogs are fashion accessories. That’s a living fucking thing that depends on you for survival. Fuck you for wanting to be like Pairs Hilton. Fuck you for your neo-feminist double standard bullshit you heard a friend say once in college. Oh, you didn’t get that promotion at work just because you’re a woman? Women should be equal to men? You’re right. They should. They absolutely should. But Fuck. You. For expecting me to treat you like a “lady”. You want to talk about a double motherfucking standard? I paid for the gas that I put in the car I paid for with my money to drive you to this over-priced, idiotic restaurant you “had” to go to, where you almost always have too much wine and start yelling and you expect me to pay for the whole thing? Fuck you. Want me to treat you like a lady? Fine. Treat like a motherfucking gentleman. I’ll provide for you, sure. I’ll support you. But that means dinner on the table every day when I get home. That means sex when I say. That means you demure to me in every situation. That means essential domestic slavery. (Yeah, the fifties don’t sound so fucking great now, do they?).

Fuck you buying into that “dangerous to walk at night” bullshit. It’s called common sense. Exercise it. The world wants you to think you’re meek, easily victimized. Take fucking charge. Fuck you for yelling at me when we could have an adult, mature discussion. But instead, you had to categorize every trivial thing I’ve done to piss you off and then they all come tumbling out at once so what could have been conducted in a grown-up manner comes off as a verbal blitzkrieg of everything I don’t do that MTV tells you I should.

Fuck you for telling me about you friends’ boyfriends. Fuck you for thinking that when you say all the things your friends’ boyfriends do that I’m taking it to heart. I’m not. All you’re saying is “These are the ways in which you fail me”. Fuck you for asking me loaded questions. Fuck you for guilt tripping me. Fuck you for expecting to know why you’re mad. I don’t. Fuck you for not communicating.

Fuck you for not accepting me even when we’re in a relationship. Fuck you for not liking me. Because my car isn’t nice enough. Because I’m not tall enough. Because I make too much money. Because I make too much money. Because I didn’t call soon enough. Because you went back to someone else. Because you’re “not looking for anything serious right now”. Because I’m not as good as that one ex you never shut your mouth about. Because you don’t like my tattoos. Because I have too many. Because too few. Fuck you for drunk texting me that it “wuldint wurk out” (Her spelling errors). Fuck you for breaking up with me over the phone, over the computer, but never face to face.

Fuck you for getting angry when I check you out. Fuck you for getting angry that someone’s looking at you when you’re in a skirt that doesn’t even come down as far as the pockets it has, wearing black fuck me shoes and a titty shirt that makes your cleavage look like the grand canyon. How dare I, right? Fuck you for wanting my attention. Fuck you for holding up the line. Fuck you for talking on your cell phone. Fuck you for being childish.

Fuck you for responding to this with snarky comments about how I must not get laid, or live in my parents basement, or I'm a libtard, or any other standard craigslist response. Fuck you for thinking women can incessantly whine about how guys can't find a clitoris or g-spot or constantly cheat but I can't point out all the ways in which you inevitably never live up to your marketing. Fuck you for telling me I'm too angry. I'm too negative. I'm too bitter. Fuck you.

But most of all, fuck you for championing mediocrity. You complain about the lack of good men? Look around. Game recognize game.

Fuck. You.

"ladies and gentlemen, Burt Stanton"

I'm a 28 year old single woman looking for someone to share happiness with. i love to read, paint, dance, cook and spend time with my family. I love learning about new cultures and meeting new people. I love to try new foods and different activities. Music makes me happy, so if I can be around music i'll most likely have a smile on my face. I also love to laugh, it's so important to me! IF YOU DO NOT THINK IM AS PRETTY AS ANGELINA JOLIE, SELMA HEYEK OR JESSICA ALBA DON'T BOTHER WRITING ME!!!!!!! I do not care how self centered this sounds i will not settle for someone who seetles for me even looks wise!!!!

So sad.

I am 5'8 150lbs 36 C with red hair and green eyes. I love doing it doggie style and 69ing. I also love to play dress up, my favorite outfit is a slutty mail girl, "I love stuffing your mailbox" I am nice and tight and waiting for you.

For some reason I have chest hair and I love when a man or woman is confident enough to give it a good tug.

Hello,

I am seeking out a roommate. I've had several the past 3 months that did not work out so well and am hoping to find "the perfect housemate." I think it can be done!

1. I am a plastic surgeon, single straight male, and am wealthy but rather lonely. I could keep this house to myself, and have for about a year, but I've realised that life is much better when it's shared with people who are conscious (as opposed to my clients and my nursing staff!). (This is not to say that my nursing staff is unconscious - obviously they are not! It's just very difficult to become friends with a staff that is somewhat dubious of my methods. I'm no rogue, but I do have Eastern-influenced techniques that some find odd and/or disconcerting - but I do have a 99% success rate! In any case, it doesn't make much sense to mix business and pleasure.)

2. I do have a dog, Basil Ironweed (yes that is his name, people seem to be confused that I have given him a full name like a person and some kind of laugh, but I assure you I take my dog very seriously and treat him with respect, and I ask that you do the same). It would actually be ideal if you have a female dog of pure pedigree (I'd need to see the papers though, for breeding purposes) and I'd prefer her to be a medium-sized dog (I will consider most breeds except absolutely no Australian Kelpies and no American Water Spaniels, please! The colouring of the mating dogs' possible kin would be horrendous if this were the case! Also, Basil is a Border Collie in case you were wondering!) If you do not have a dog, that is also fine. All other pets will be considered except: no cats unless they are of the outdoor variety, no arthropods, and all avians must be salmonella-free, clipped toenails, and tagged.

3. My house has only a one-car garage. It used to be a two-car one, but I decided to convert half of it into a micro-personal gym as I am rather health conscious. (I do have a gym membership, but my gym is not 24-hour, and sometimes at night I really need to get on the bowflex to burn off some of my energy since I have a lot of it! Also, after meals it's inconvenient for me to run off to the gym, and that is why I need one at my disposal. The gym membership is because they have a pool there, and swimming is really good for the joints. Just in case you were wondering.) That said, you'll have to use street parking, but I assure you that my neighborhood is quiet and safe, and there is usually a spot right out in front of my house! (The only time the spot is taken is when the lunch truck comes for the construction workers that are on the corner of my street. It only sits there for about 20 minutes between 1 and 2 pm during the week, depending on how chatty the boys are that day.)

Anyways, I have a few rules that need to be followed, but other than that, we should get along fine!
I request that you listen to all music via headphones. I have mild tinnitus and the sounds from most Hi-Fi equipment sans headphones really irriate me. I am open to discussing music, but sadly we cannot directly share it as my ears can't handle rapidly changing frequencies. (If you'd like to share lyrics, I'd be more than delighted to oblige!)

If you are going to cook, please do not use the following spices: curries, paprika, anything Cajun, and dill. The smells of these things turns my stomach. (If you have any scents that you'd like to avoid, by all means let me know and I'll do you the same honour.)

You must brush your teeth at least twice a day. If there is anything I cannot stand it's filthy teeth. (Believe me, I've had a couple roommates who just could not handle this simple routine - your gingiva may not mind, but I certainly DO.)

If you are going to watch tv, please let me know in advance which programs you'd like to watch. I do have TiVo, by the by, and I have certain shows that I simply must watch when they originally air. I cannot be too flexible with this because I cannot stand to wait to see my programs. You have to understand that I simply have to watch them when they originally air or I will get a little batty. Most of my programs are on public broadcasting and do not tend to run during prime-time spots.

I do not appreciate unannounced house-guests. I need to know at least two days in advance that company is coming - I need to know the duration of the stay, and the nature of the visit. But, I am open to any and all visitors, I just need to know the specifics involved.

I have reduced rent drastically because I realise that some of my requests might seem slightly stringent. I will pay the bulk of the rent in exchange for your understanding, your commitment to the house, and your humouring of my quirks.

You must be ok with my upholstery hobby. On every third Tuesday of the month I request that you vacate the house between the hours of 4 pm - 11:45pm while I upholster various pieces of antique furniture. I am a perfectionist and require complete silence in the house. I've tried this with housemates who've promised to stay in their rooms, but this proved impossible as bathroom habits demand a regular schedule that interrupts my artisan work. That said, I will give you a small stipend on these days if it will assist you in finding something to do with that block of time.

No newspapers or magazines. The ink gets everywhere and the gloss irritates my eyes. Sorry! You are free to read them on the front porch, but they must be stored outside of the house (perhaps in your car?)

This is not to sound discriminating, but, if you speak either French, Urdu, or Afrikaans, I kindly request that you not speak them in my vicinity as the cadences used in these languages are grating to the ears and nerves, for me.

I have fresh produce delivered from an undisclosed location to my home every Wednesday afternoon. Please do not purchase fruits or vegetables and bring them home. You can request any that you desire and I will add them to my order queue. (I am fastidious about potential-GM produce and pesticide usage - I will not tolerate either!) Also, if you insist on preparing red meat dishes in the home, do cook the meat thoroughly. IT MUST SIZZLE.

No cellphone tones in my home! Please use silent mode only!

You are not to use paints in the home. The noxious odours will aggravate my allergies!

That's the summary of my requests! I do actually have a handbook which I will provide for your perusal during our interview (yes, there will be an interview for final-stage candidates) that outlines all of my more particular requests.

If you are interested, please email me the following information:

1. Name
2. Occupation
3. Age
4. Allergies
5. Favourite author

Cheers!

And they say the Victorians all died out long ago...