basically comes down to pushing the door ajar, giving plenty space, and going off and doing good things. not forgetting it necessarily, but, its kind of time to move on, whether you like it or not.
its sort of a dawsons creek/'the last summer'/fennesz/drop nineteens kick the tragedy kind of thing, the point where people (whether its 2 people like in this situation, or a group of friends) realise it'll never be the same again, (cf: the daft punk one more time video). sounds facetious i know, but, really, it isn't. its the closing up of something, the moving on. but, you know what, the good stuff is all to come, you just don't know it yet
― gareth (gareth), Thursday, 26 February 2004 11:58 (twenty years ago) link
this is all a bit "yo, where the bars at?" isnt it?
― gareth (gareth), Thursday, 26 February 2004 12:01 (twenty years ago) link
My sympathies, it sounds disgustingly horrible. Gareth is right though, the realisation that things Have changed and they won't go back to the way they were is scary but liberating (keep telling yourself that, I know I have to do this myself a lot). I think space is very important for you both, but seeing as you work in the same room and live close to each other it won't be easy. Are your friends in the same social group aware of this situation?
And if you are a regular that I know, you are more than welcome to mail me and have a moan over some GIN.
― Sarah (starry), Thursday, 26 February 2004 12:12 (twenty years ago) link
I know what I have to do with regard to other people - I'm not short on options. I'm planning on doing a lot more to spend time with friends I otherwise wouldn't see as much of, people unconnected to all this. There are loads of avenues to meet new people - take my mind off things.
But the idea that this is somehow the end is scary. Two weeks ago everything was fine, now its all blown to pieces forever is something I won't accept. At the heart of this is that my friendship with this girl is more important than any romantic feelings I might have, feelings that are relatively recent in the grand scheme of things. Is it naive to think I can stop this from all falling apart? I mean, I'm not strong enough to sit in the pub with her and her new man straight away, but in time, once I've moved on, found someone else? That's what I'm hoping.
― Different regular posting anonymously, Thursday, 26 February 2004 12:19 (twenty years ago) link
― stevem (blueski), Thursday, 26 February 2004 12:59 (twenty years ago) link
― toby (tsg20), Thursday, 26 February 2004 13:19 (twenty years ago) link
I think you've got a good handle on it, in terms of time and distance being the best healers. You can go on and find someone of your own (though don't force it, or you'll end up in a horrible rebound relationship!) - or even sometimes you can find that watching your former love interest in a different relationship can give you an insight into their personality and relationship style that makes you *glad* in the end that it never happened between you! (This is my actual experience of a quite similar situation!)
Hang in there, and good luck.
BTW, yeah, I was the RPA up there. This story had a happy ending, as we talked, and we got back together a day later. No, we still haven't actually gone to Relate, or anything like that, but the fact that we both understand what's going wrong, why it's going wrong, and we're both willing to work to change it - even if that means getting outside help - gives me hope that we're going to be OK. We have similar goals and similar backgrounds and are actually remarkably well suited for one another (in comparison with Dog Latin and his Ex up there) - it's just a case of *not* arguing over the little tiny details as displacement activity for the rest of the (mainly career-related) stress in the rest of our lives.
Sorry to interrupt all this misery with a happy ray of light! I will return to being cynical now. ;-)
― the original RPA (kate), Thursday, 26 February 2004 14:06 (twenty years ago) link
― stevem (blueski), Thursday, 26 February 2004 14:08 (twenty years ago) link
it'll all be terrible for a while, and it sounds like you're prepared for that, but i do think that you guys will be able to stay friends. probably first you'll be able to see her alone and both studiously avoid talking about Him, but eventually it'll all just seem normal.
and obviously the answer is to get him to invite her to the Prom on a boat. they'll be splitsville like instantly. :)
― colette (a2lette), Thursday, 26 February 2004 14:28 (twenty years ago) link
So um the point is that things take care of themselves if enough time goes by. And Gareth's advice about getting out and being the person you want to be - not dwelling on others - is key. I know I've had lots of, "if only I was different or she was different things would've worked out" dialogues go thru my head. It's worthless. Leave the past in the past. Things didn't work out for a reason.
― Aaron W (Aaron W), Thursday, 26 February 2004 15:25 (twenty years ago) link
― Aaron W (Aaron W), Thursday, 26 February 2004 15:27 (twenty years ago) link
But I don't know whether its harming my chances of getting over things as quickly as possible - being forced to see each other every day. But at the same time, I don't want to leave her under a dark cloud, I'm not otherwise especially unhappy in my job - although I had been considering moving on anyway.
I'm torn between whether to try and make a clean break with all this, or whether to sit here and see it out and only walk away once we've got things sorted. I can't help fearing that if I leave with things unresolved, and without us friendly again, we'll drift apart for good and that's the last thing I want to happen. Thankfully she's going to the Far East for a fortnight in a couple of weeks, that's about as much space between us as I could ask for, I suppose. Maybe I should set the time when she gets back as some target to work towards... see how I feel after a bit of absence.
But I certainly don't want to end up skint or in some shitty job I hate for another couple of years just because I got upset and walked out.
― Different regular posting anonymously, Thursday, 26 February 2004 16:45 (twenty years ago) link
not spending time around her will definitely make the whole thing much, much easier, though.
― toby (tsg20), Thursday, 26 February 2004 17:07 (twenty years ago) link
neither! you have to do neither, you are putting her at centre too much. you have to deprioritize, and stop making decisions, rules, just make it less of an issue
if I leave with things unresolved, and without us friendly again, we'll drift apart for good and that's the last thing I want to happen.
you can't resolve it, its not yours to resolve, you just have to let it go a little, you cant make it alright, you can make it less of an issue though, by not focussing on it. you might drift apart, you might not, but you have to be in a position where its ok for that to happen.
you just have to back off, let it go, the more you try and do, the worse it will get...
― gareth (gareth), Thursday, 26 February 2004 18:37 (twenty years ago) link
do you believe in life after love?
― That one guy that hit it and quit it, Friday, 13 July 2007 09:43 (sixteen years ago) link
He got a lot of play from the ladies, did DL. I'm assuming he offered a lot of jobbing actresses parts in his sitcom if they gave him a little boom chikka wow wow.
― Dom Passantino, Friday, 13 July 2007 09:45 (sixteen years ago) link
I even believe in life before love.
Hopefully DL will come back. I miss him.
― nathalie, Friday, 13 July 2007 09:48 (sixteen years ago) link
i think he's the next grozart y/n?
― That one guy that hit it and quit it, Friday, 13 July 2007 09:49 (sixteen years ago) link
http://img152.imageshack.us/img152/5540/orange9lj.jpg
"This week Mr Stew I am curious about minimal"
― Dom Passantino, Friday, 13 July 2007 09:50 (sixteen years ago) link