can't believe we never did 'your favourite jokes about arsenal'
― ilxor lookin' boy (acoleuthic), Tuesday, 16 March 2010 16:21 (fourteen years ago) link
Q: How does Criag Eastmond address Arsene Wenger?
A: Mallard! (Mi'lord!) (Mallard is a famous duck!)
― ilxor lookin' boy (acoleuthic), Tuesday, 16 March 2010 16:23 (fourteen years ago) link
Stewart DOWNing
― mdskltr (blueski), Tuesday, 16 March 2010 16:24 (fourteen years ago) link
ok is it gonna be favourite duck jokes about arsenal because that's gonna be a pretty niche concept tbh
― DarraghmacKwacz (darraghmac), Tuesday, 16 March 2010 16:24 (fourteen years ago) link
you don't understand! Unbeaten For A Season is my duck!
― ilxor lookin' boy (acoleuthic), Tuesday, 16 March 2010 16:25 (fourteen years ago) link
Hleb moved to Barcelona because of england's fowl weather
― DarraghmacKwacz (darraghmac), Tuesday, 16 March 2010 16:25 (fourteen years ago) link
Joakim Von And has that perfect fusion of Latin American and Eastern European so I'm going for that.
― Maraca Son Sistema (Matt DC), Tuesday, 16 March 2010 16:26 (fourteen years ago) link
A large group of ducks gather in a circle. One duck stood up and walked around the circle patting every duck on the head chanting duck, duck, duck, GOOSE! The one that was patted on the head last started to cry. All the other ducks asked why? The tearful waterfowl replied, "It's true!"
can somebody explain this to me please? It is a duck joke.
― DarraghmacKwacz (darraghmac), Tuesday, 16 March 2010 16:26 (fourteen years ago) link
q. what did the arsenal soccer player do when the other soccer player kicked the ball at his head
a. he ducked! (duck)
― max, Tuesday, 16 March 2010 16:27 (fourteen years ago) link
Bendtner canardly run in a straight line
― mdskltr (blueski), Tuesday, 16 March 2010 16:27 (fourteen years ago) link
What's the difference between a duck with one wing and a duck with two wings?
A difference of a pinion
― DarraghmacKwacz (darraghmac), Tuesday, 16 March 2010 16:29 (fourteen years ago) link
(i'm not even bothering to link to arsenal at this stage tbh)
― DarraghmacKwacz (darraghmac), Tuesday, 16 March 2010 16:30 (fourteen years ago) link
This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three Arsenal Reserves. One in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender.
The bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the footballers that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention them. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy has to go to the restroom. The footballers are left on the bar.
The bartender is alone with the footballers. There is an awkward silence. The bartender decides to try to make some conversation. "What's your name?" he says to the first footballer.
"Kieran Gibbs," said the first footballer.
"How's your day been, Kieran Gibbs?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of Fran Merida all day."
"Oh. That's nice," says the bartender.
Then he says to the second footballer, "Hi. And what's your name?"
"Carlos Vela," came the answer.
"So how's your day been, Carlos Vela?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again."
So the bartender turns to the third footballer and says, "So, you must be Jack Wilshere."
"No," growls the third footballer, "My name is Fran Merida. And don't ask about my damn day."
― ilxor lookin' boy (acoleuthic), Tuesday, 16 March 2010 16:30 (fourteen years ago) link
Q. What's the difference between a mallard and Robin van Persie?A. One of them is an animal that reproduces exclusively by gang rape and the oth-
― MPx4A, Tuesday, 16 March 2010 16:30 (fourteen years ago) link
haha i fucked that up
shd read
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of Fran Merida all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again."
― ilxor lookin' boy (acoleuthic), Tuesday, 16 March 2010 16:32 (fourteen years ago) link
That makes even less sense.
― Ned Raggett, Tuesday, 16 March 2010 16:34 (fourteen years ago) link
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Make it watch Arsenal until its bill withers.
― take me to your lemur (ledge), Tuesday, 16 March 2010 16:34 (fourteen years ago) link
Q: Who is going to score the winner for Spurs against Arsenal later this season?
A: Eider Gudjohnsen! (Eidur!)
― ilxor lookin' boy (acoleuthic), Tuesday, 16 March 2010 16:36 (fourteen years ago) link
Q. What is an obsessive Arsenal fan's favourite breakfast item?A. Eggs Fabr-egg-as, like an egg
― MPx4A, Tuesday, 16 March 2010 16:36 (fourteen years ago) link
one day i'm walking down the road and i met cesc fabregas bouncing a brick.
I say, "no way a bouncing brick, i haven't seen one of those in years! I used to love those things!"
He says "do you wanna have a go? you've got to be very careful though, cos if you bounce too hard it'll go way way up in the sky and you'll never see it again"
I say, "don't worry, I have lots of practice with these things- I was quite a pro in my youth."
So he gives me the bouncing brick, and after a few test bounces I've recalled all of my old prowess and am giving it over arm, under leg, behind my back pimped out bouncing brick moves.
He's very impressed, and says "i can see you're a true afficionado- tell you what, you keep that one, i have more at home"
I'm delighted, and after thanking him head off, bouncing my new brick. After a while I meet kieran gibbs.
he says- "Wow, great a bouncing brick, I've never seen one of those! give us a try!"
I'm not sure- "be careful, if you bounce it too hard it'll go way way up in the sky and it'll never be seen again"
He has a go- he bounces it too hard first time, it goes way way up into the sky and it's never seen again.
― DarraghmacKwacz (darraghmac), Tuesday, 16 March 2010 16:37 (fourteen years ago) link
arsene wenger gets on a plane to india with his duck. the hostess says "i'm sorry mr wenger, that duck has to go in the cargo hold"
he says, "it''s ok, he has a ticket."
"that's not the point sir, animals aren't allowed on the plane"
wenger's indignant- "this isn't an animal, it's my best friend, he has a and a passport. i eat with this duck, see movies with this duck, post under the same ilx name as this duck and generally am very matey with this duck altogether. how dare you call this duck an animal."
they work out a solution. the duck is secured to the wing of the plane with a leather strap, and given an oxygen mask (his ticket is refunded). the gentleman is given the window seat to provide constant assurance and support for the creature.
thirty thousand feet up, the strap breaks.....
the duck's tail feather is smouldering in the engine, and he's trying heroically to grab the end of the strap in his beak. every person on board is crowded round the windows shouting "come on duck! come on duck! come on duck!"
an updraft beats the duck back again. his tail feather is clearly alight now. he's inches from the strap, and giving his all. he slowly beats his way towards the strap again. inside- "come on duck! come on duck! come on duck!"
he strains every duck sinew in his body, and gets the strap firmly in it's mouth! cheers of relief all round.
then whack! a sudden impact knocks him loose, and directly into the jet engine. he's incinerated
― DarraghmacKwacz (darraghmac), Tuesday, 16 March 2010 16:38 (fourteen years ago) link
he was hit by a bouncing brick
― DarraghmacKwacz (darraghmac), Tuesday, 16 March 2010 16:51 (fourteen years ago) link
See, I read the second one first
― Ismael Klata, Tuesday, 16 March 2010 16:53 (fourteen years ago) link
can a mod change the thread title to "indecipherable jokes about soccer"
― Mr. Que, Tuesday, 16 March 2010 16:53 (fourteen years ago) link
Q: What does Arsene Wenger definitely not do to his 13 year-old youth players?
A: Ducks them! (Fucks them!)
― ilxor lookin' boy (acoleuthic), Tuesday, 16 March 2010 16:54 (fourteen years ago) link
in fairness, it already says that in Queen's English
― smoking cigarette shades? it doesn't even make any sense. (HI DERE), Tuesday, 16 March 2010 16:55 (fourteen years ago) link
oi!
― Mr. Que, Tuesday, 16 March 2010 16:55 (fourteen years ago) link
yeah i could tell that i didn't take the audience with me on that one tbh
― DarraghmacKwacz (darraghmac), Tuesday, 16 March 2010 16:56 (fourteen years ago) link
i laughed
― ilxor lookin' boy (acoleuthic), Tuesday, 16 March 2010 16:56 (fourteen years ago) link
mostly at 'he was hit by a bouncing brick' though
waldorf salad--now that's some british humor i can get behind
― Mr. Que, Tuesday, 16 March 2010 16:57 (fourteen years ago) link
the version i'm familiar with is the spear-chucking/monkey being thrown out of plane one, but <3 punchlines being irascibly explained by an unanswered comedian
― ilxor lookin' boy (acoleuthic), Tuesday, 16 March 2010 16:58 (fourteen years ago) link
ususally you tell one at the beginning and give it a while tbh
― DarraghmacKwacz (darraghmac), Tuesday, 16 March 2010 16:59 (fourteen years ago) link
yeah, ilx doesn't roll like that
― ilxor lookin' boy (acoleuthic), Tuesday, 16 March 2010 17:00 (fourteen years ago) link
Version I'm familiar has Paddy throwing away half bricks for some reason, a subsequent joke then involving a dog getting thrown out of a train window and then being seen with a half brick in its mouth
You gotta leave it to cook a while, yeah
― MPx4A, Tuesday, 16 March 2010 17:01 (fourteen years ago) link
bouncing brick is the peak of this towering thread
― ogmor, Tuesday, 16 March 2010 17:02 (fourteen years ago) link
good luck mr que
― mdskltr (blueski), Tuesday, 16 March 2010 17:02 (fourteen years ago) link
duck walks into a bar says 'got any nuts?'
barman- 'no'
'got any nuts?'
'no'
'ask me again and i'll nail your bill to the bar'
'got any nails?'
― DarraghmacKwacz (darraghmac), Tuesday, 16 March 2010 17:03 (fourteen years ago) link
ok lol
― smoking cigarette shades? it doesn't even make any sense. (HI DERE), Tuesday, 16 March 2010 17:03 (fourteen years ago) link
hahahaha
― ilxor lookin' boy (acoleuthic), Tuesday, 16 March 2010 17:04 (fourteen years ago) link
The only interest I have in football is roque santa cruz so I don't recognise some of the names or.......themes but I think I get the gist and am lol-ing, esp at the bill withers one. Great thread.
― orthodox upper mids would generally rather watch ferrets fight (RubyNoir), Tuesday, 16 March 2010 17:06 (fourteen years ago) link
Q: How could Arsene Wengers financial approach to signings be described.A: As tight as Scrooge Mc'Ducks Arse (Contains a duck reference, a Scrooge McDuck reference (a famously stingy character), a common phrase relating to being penny pinching which relates to Arsenals famous policy of no big money signings and also contains the word 'Arse' which features in both the name of the club and it's manager.
― Jarlrmai, Tuesday, 16 March 2010 17:07 (fourteen years ago) link
hahaha! well when it's broken down like that...
― orthodox upper mids would generally rather watch ferrets fight (RubyNoir), Tuesday, 16 March 2010 17:08 (fourteen years ago) link
i have just given up on getting arsenal into any of these obviously
― DarraghmacKwacz (darraghmac), Tuesday, 16 March 2010 17:08 (fourteen years ago) link
jarlrmai knows whats up tbh
― DarraghmacKwacz (darraghmac), Tuesday, 16 March 2010 17:09 (fourteen years ago) link
WHAT IS A DUCK'S FAVOURITE PREMIER LEAGUE FOOTBALLER TO EAT?
BREAD HANGELAND
― MPx4A, Tuesday, 16 March 2010 17:12 (fourteen years ago) link
yes
― DarraghmacKwacz (darraghmac), Tuesday, 16 March 2010 17:13 (fourteen years ago) link
arsene wenger calls up alex ferguson and says 'do you weesh to go feeshin with mee'. ferguson replies 'anatidae thanks'
― DarraghmacKwacz (darraghmac), Tuesday, 16 March 2010 17:14 (fourteen years ago) link
Q: Which footballer can't crouch down properly?
A: Gary Teale (a teal is the littlest duck in Britain!)
― ilxor lookin' boy (acoleuthic), Tuesday, 16 March 2010 17:15 (fourteen years ago) link
holy shit @ dmac's latest
There is a 'symphonic Finnish prog-rock concept album' about Scrooge McDuck that has been recently released
― salsa shark, Thursday, 17 April 2014 22:57 (ten years ago) link
not finding a lot of name value in the current arsenal youth contingent, the counterpoint of chuba 'chubs' akpom and chukwuemeka 'chuks' aneke about as interesting as it takes
was prepared to hate hector bellerin for having a shit name and being another ex-barca youth player ready to take queen wenger's shilling, until i saw this photo of him and felt his move into the EPL was verging on the TE lawrence level of unlikely yet seamless acculturation
http://i.imgur.com/Wcmmh9D.jpg
― Little Saint Hugh of Lincoln (nakhchivan), Thursday, 17 April 2014 23:05 (ten years ago) link
It's such a beautiful album that it far exceeded my expectations. It keeps the signature style of Tuomas's writing but brings it to a new level
Who's that in the photo with Bellerin?
― imago, Thursday, 17 April 2014 23:18 (ten years ago) link
lauren laverne
― Little Saint Hugh of Lincoln (nakhchivan), Thursday, 17 April 2014 23:20 (ten years ago) link
a black mass of clothing
― imago, Thursday, 17 April 2014 23:30 (ten years ago) link
― Maraca Son Sistema (Matt DC), 16. marts 2010 17:26 (4 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink
I don't get this at all...
― Frederik B, Thursday, 17 April 2014 23:35 (ten years ago) link
arsenal just lost the youth cup final
Arsenal: Josh Vickers; Tafari Moore, Brandon Ormonde-Ottewill, Leander Siemann (Stefan O’Connor 71), Julio Pleguezuelo; Ainsley Maitland-Niles, Gedion Zelalem, Glen Kamara (Austin Lipman 83), Jack Jebb; Alex Iwobi (Daniel Crowley 59), Chuba Akpom (c)
Substitutes not used: Ryan Huddart (GK), Alfred Mugabo
Chelsea: Mitchell Beeney; Fankaty Dabo (Isak Ssewankambo 59), Andreas Christensen, Jake Clarke Salter (Isaiah Brown 70), Ola Aina; Jordan Houghton, Charlie Colkett (Reece Mitchell 81), Ruben Loftus-Cheek (c); Alex Kiwomya, Dominic Solanke, Jay Dasilva
Substitutes not used: Bradley Collins (GK), Kasey Palmer
― Little Saint Hugh of Lincoln (nakhchivan), Friday, 18 April 2014 02:37 (ten years ago) link
Whilst Arsenal have yet to enter the transfer market for any first-team players, the club have been busy making numerous acquisitions at U18 level.In addition to the previously announced deals for Kristopher Da Graca, Jonatas Centeno, Savvas Mourgos and Elias Hatzitheodoridis, the club have this week finalised moves for promising youngsters Ben Sheaf and Hugo Keto.Sheaf, a homegrown central-midfielder signed from West Ham’s famed academy, and Keto, a goalkeeper recruited from HJK in his native Finland, have both been capped by their countries at U16 level.For all the promise of those listed above, however, Arsenal’s biggest success at youth level this Summer may well prove to be the retaining of the services of an existing player.Chris Willock, an attacking midfielder deemed so talented that he trained with the first-team at London Colney last season whilst he was still as schoolboy, was the subject of considerable interest from Manchester United, where his brother Matthew, formerly of Arsenal, currently plays.However, last weekend Willock confirmed that he has signed a two-year scholarship deal with Arsenal and will continue his development at the club. Although he struggled with several injury setbacks last season, Willock demonstrated his considerable promise during his 12 appearances at U18 level and also made the bench in the FA Youth Cup.There are some other promising Hale End products in this intake, most notably Kaylen Hinds, a striker who featured in the UEFA Youth League last season, and George Dobson, a defensive-minded player with genuine leadership qualities. Tyrell Robinson, a dangerous winger, is also worth keeping an eye on, with Marc Bola, Aaron Eyoma and Chiori Johnson having also commenced their scholarships this week.
― a hoy hoy, Monday, 7 July 2014 10:01 (nine years ago) link
Rooting for Hugo Keto
― a hoy hoy, Monday, 7 July 2014 10:02 (nine years ago) link
should find a Bryan Ferr to complement Marc Bola
― Merdeyeux, Monday, 7 July 2014 10:44 (nine years ago) link
The entire concept of Scrooge McDuck confounds me. Charles Dickens's Ebeneezer Scrooge reincarnated as an anthropomorphic billionaire duck who lives in the US but speaks with an intelligible Scottish accent (unlike his impedemented nephew, Donald) has adventures along with his 3 grandnephews (also ducks wearing baseball caps).
― 3kDk (dog latin), Monday, 7 July 2014 13:48 (nine years ago) link
immigrant got rich raised yank ducklings idgi
― cpt navajo (darraghmac), Monday, 7 July 2014 13:53 (nine years ago) link
in the show did he ever talk about his times growing up in Victorian England and being spooked by various ghosts?
― 3kDk (dog latin), Monday, 7 July 2014 14:14 (nine years ago) link
IIRC the only time the gang went to England they were warned that it was 'haunted'. The whole country!
― 3kDk (dog latin), Monday, 7 July 2014 14:15 (nine years ago) link
not only is Glen Kamara unrelated to Chris he also appears to be Finnish. curious
he has 36 followers on twitter
― Kiss Screaming Seagull Her Seagull Her (DJ Mencap), Monday, 7 July 2014 14:41 (nine years ago) link
His family has an old haunted castle. Though he himself grew up in poverty.
― Frederik B, Monday, 7 July 2014 18:09 (nine years ago) link
In other news, young trio Glen Kamara, Tafari Moore and Josh Vickers have all signed professional terms at the Emirates. Mainstays of the under-18s last season they’ll be hoping to turn heads for the under-21s this season with a view to a potential shot at a run out in the Capital One Cup.
Tafari is a good name
― a hoy hoy, Monday, 7 July 2014 18:51 (nine years ago) link
tafari is ethiopian/amharic (haile selassie's birth name & ras tafari = prince tafari) his middle name is lalibela which means his parents are either v serious rastas or v patriotic ethiopians
― ogmor, Monday, 7 July 2014 23:48 (nine years ago) link
Spurs youth just gave rafferty pedder some minutes
― beware the ídes of mairt (darraghmac), Friday, 5 March 2021 12:11 (three years ago) link
Hope he gets a song
― hiroyoshi tins in (Sgt. Biscuits), Friday, 5 March 2021 18:35 (three years ago) link
"Sknerus McKwacz" still makes me laugh today
― frogbs, Friday, 5 March 2021 19:23 (three years ago) link
missed this before, good stuff
― I like signing up to dead sites (sleeve), Friday, 5 March 2021 19:24 (three years ago) link
https://www.newyorker.com/news/dispatch/the-strange-story-of-dagobert-the-ducktales-bandit
This is wild.
― Scampo di tutti i Scampi (ShariVari), Tuesday, 18 May 2021 22:19 (three years ago) link
that was awesome, thank you!
― sleeve, Wednesday, 19 May 2021 00:03 (three years ago) link
Yeah that was incredible
― imago, Wednesday, 19 May 2021 06:27 (three years ago) link
Why hasn't anyone made a film about that yet?
More Germans btw.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HR9wq-J0nCE
― Are Animated Dads Getting Hotter? (Tom D.), Wednesday, 19 May 2021 07:38 (three years ago) link