Polyamory

Poly, to me, always smacked a bit of one person getting all the cake, as it were, and everyone else just more or less putting up with the "arrangement" so they can at least keep the person they're shagging... but perhaps it is just a mindset I dont understand.

Which is why I find it all rather brain-breaking. I think the 2 girls are involved together somehow too... but I'm not sure... and one of the girls before this was a pretty normal well adjusted long-term relationships type, so god knows. Maybe hes like the hypno-toad in Futurama, and none will resist his demands. Or something.

It is an excuse for one person to have their cake and eat it too. It is the refuge of the emotionally selfish who doesn't mind hurting everyone around them except themselves.

Or, on the other hand, if you're that bored with a relationship that you want to start screwing around - sorry - bringing other people into it, then that relationship wasn't built on anything particularly strong in the first place.

DUD DUD DUD DUD DUD DUD DUD!!!

Not that I speak from experience either.

A couple of years ago, my husband and I had a girlfriend who lived in Germany, and who was involved with both of us -- again, we would see her a few times a year and all was very nice. We went to Venice together once. She dumped us in a particularly heartless manner. Plus, she was a Momus fan!

Kate nailed it from my own outside perspective, it always seemed to be one guy with an inflated sense of self-esteem and probably a too-big-dick and girls who did not have good opinions of themselves, who did a good job of seeming to be cool with everything, but in all the cases I witnessed someone was getting hurt and, away from the people in the relationship, was very obviously unhappy.

Frankly the whole thing smacks of immaturity to me.

ronan and i came up with a website the yesterday called "creaky finger"

Hell, why have a relationship in the first place, then!

The only regular poster I know of who can speak with any authority on this subject is Ms. Laura.

I have been a part of a poly relationship, and while it didn't work all that well, for a whole shedload of reasons, it's not something I wouldn't consider again. I'm honestly not bothered by my partner being someone else's partner as well, providing he/she is not an arsehole. I've known enough happy poly people/relationships to be aware that it can work, and over a long period of time too.

(special for Josh there)

These fellows just love talking about themselves!

In the working space I'm using today, eventually two other people came in and at the coffee maker one of them asked the other how she came to be using this working space, after her short answer, his return answer was very long, a little bit about where he was from and where he had lived, then a large chunk about explaining what polyamory was.

I left and went back to my computer but forgot my headphones so could still hear him for some time. Eventually they walked past, and she said "well thank you for sharing", and he said "oh no problem I just love to share"

I don't have problems with polyamory as such (people should be able to find whatever forms of intimacy work for them, and poly oversharing is probably less harmful, because less institutionalized, than its heteronormative equivalents), but I will probably always find this funny: https://mobile.twitter.com/merrittkopas/status/680555624917299204

I dont have a problem with anything, other than war and people talking

Legit scourges, to be sure

http://nypost.com/2017/10/12/ive-been-polyamorous-for-almost-a-decade/

I feel like every article on polyamory relies on the same cliches. "50% of marriages end in divorce anyway" -- actually not true, one of those unsourced stats that has been repeated for generations now, and even less true when you account for education, age of marriage, age of divorce (not such a big deal if people divorce after their kids are out of the house).

Second the straw man idea that, in monogamy, "one person is supposed to meet all of your physical and emotional desires. I never got that message. I'm just a pessimist about the ability of "all" of ones needs and desires to be met anyway, and I think the ones met by monogamy outweigh the ones lost.

Anyway the author has neither kids nor a main partner so I don't really get the point. You date multiple people, cool story.

Ppl without kids and marriage exist yknow

For the rest yeah otm

Oh yeah of course. I just mean I have yet to see the article that's like "I'm 55 and we raised our 3 kids in a polyamorous multi-co-parent relationship and it worked out great". Maybe one day we will.

polyamory has def gotten more exposure/press/discussion for people too young to yet be 55 with 3 kids. though we're not so far from that point probably. "the ethical slut" came out in what, 97? I feel like even at that point though there were testimonials from older, more hippie-oriented "it takes a village" type thinkers.

to be fair, it is not surprising that ppl who were early adopters AND wanted kids AND had them AND chose to raise them in something other than a primarily dyadic deal AND it went well AND they want to write about it is a small subset. i imagine there's a much much larger universe of, say, ppl with a steady primary raising kids together, but they also have other relationships that are not parenting-oriented in any way.

as for the one-person-meeting-all-needs thing --- doesn't this mainly come up in response to objections from monogo types? like specifically in response to people expressing worry along the lines "my partner being interested in other ppl necessarily means there's something insufficient/wrong with me or our relationship." i don't think that's a strawman, I think it's something a ton of people really believe even at a pop-psych --- oh you noticed him checking out another woman, or sharing interests that you two don't share, this a sign of a problem ahhhh!!!

obv there is a wide range of healthier ways of understanding this and I think most mature monogo ppl are well seasoned in recognizing that it's natural someone might have other desires and it doesn't mean something is wrong. I think most poly ppl are at that same place and just additionally would say (speaking broadly) that to take that stance and then also additionally say "but it cannot and must not be acted upon," doesn't add up or work for them --- and maybe that it amounts to the strawman position, that in PRACTICE the single partner is being expected to meet all needs, or that it is desirable/acceptable that the needs of people you love should be suppressed and go unmet.

no judging here as I do know many monogo ppl who seem very happy and no doubt work through these moments in thoughtful, considerate ways through a lot of serious and emotionally honest conversations. to me it's just always seemed like being poly (with its own set of serious and emotionally honest conversations) was closer to ideal and clicked more naturally in my own specific brain. but I'm not an evangelist - it is not for everybody.

The thing that baffles me about polyamorous people is that they're actually able to find people to be polyamorous with. It's exceedingly rare for me to meet even one romantically interesting person; I could be as a polyamorous as you like in theory without ever exceeding monogamy in practice. But apparently there are lots of people out there finding multiple simultaneous partners, drawing only from the relatively shallow pool of other polyamorists.

The inescapable conclusion: polyamorists are the most irresistibly attractive people on earth.

On the other hand, the pool of available polyamorists doesn't deplete as quickly. They can be in one or more relationships and still be available.

Maybe they're just really good at sexing.

Maybe I'm insane but I think reactionary anti-monogamy is stupid

Monogamy is awesome, the benefits of descending through the aging process with your body and your partner's body ensconced in a protective bathysphere is marvellous.

I don't believe anybody who says "humans aren't inherently monogamous" because they're wrong, humans are and society is. The psychological construct of monogamy is imo an intrinsic necessity

All the best poly-relationships, that I've observed, are just hybrids and extensions of that experience imo

On the other hand, the pool of available polyamorists doesn't deplete as quickly. They can be in one or more relationships and still be available.
― jmm, Sunday, October 15, 2017 1:17 PM (twenty-five minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Good point! I hadn't thought of that.

honestly i don't get why anybody who hadn't had direct negative experience with it would be anti-polyamory.

i am too needy to be polyamorous but idgaf how other people live their lives, do whatever makes you happy

If you're in a city/region with a big kink network, it normally follows that there's a decent-ish pool of poly-friendly people. At least in my very limited experience anyhow…

I know a poly triad where all three are bringing kids from previous marriages. The logistics of that are beyond impressive to me. Two sets of stepchildren each, screw that.

Logistics of kids full stop

Again idk why poly gets bad rap there

Even if one has no interest in engaging oneself with poly-relationship stuff, this sort of line of discussion has been useful for me in conducting emotional labour for my various friends who are dealing with extra-marital affairs, cheating, open relationships, as well as poly-stuff

Tbf more than two people helping to raise kids can potentially be very helpful -- in laws and aunts and cousins and friends and the like. I'm just more skeptical of the ability of people to commit to each other and go parenting in that sort of complex, multidirectional way. The main thing I believe in is that kids are better off when there is at least one or two primary parents who are always going to be there. I guess if you have that nailed down, maybe the drifting in and out of others would be less problematic. But idk. The whole anti-self-denial streak I see in a lot of writing about poly worries me when it comes to parenting because parenting requires a lot of self denial.

it gets a bad rap because the most vocal and visible poly people are fuckin’ insufferable

the most vocal and visible poly people are fuckin’ insufferable

like cultists

this badiouian-maoist critique of polyamory

amazing!

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The authors have deleted this site.

rip

i wayback machine'd it, you should too?

https://web.archive.org/web/20141015103013/http://revolutionaryphilosophycommittee.wordpress.com/2014/09/01/a-communist-critique-of-polyamory/

thanking u!

Those who engage in polyamory speak about loving multiple people, yet they never once ask the question, ‘what is love?’

badiou don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more

this badiouian-maoist critique of polyamory

amazing!

― budo jeru

at least we don't have to content with a baeddelian critique of polyamory (lol as if such i could even imagine a self-identified baeddel who wasn't poly)