Polyamory

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huh?

Millar (Millar), Thursday, 17 July 2003 04:40 (twenty-one years ago) link

I knew a lot of polyamorous people when I was in college and they were all involved in Magik cards, SCA, and not bathing. That's my only comment on the matter. Thank you.

anthony kyle monday (akmonday), Thursday, 17 July 2003 04:50 (twenty-one years ago) link

You, my friend, encountered a PAGAN HUMPING CIRCLE.

Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 17 July 2003 04:51 (twenty-one years ago) link

sounds like one of those 70s folk psych bands

electric sound of jim (electricsound), Thursday, 17 July 2003 04:53 (twenty-one years ago) link

Sounds like Julian Cope's new band.

colin s barrow (colin s barrow), Thursday, 17 July 2003 05:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

"my pagan ass humping circle"

electric sound of jim (electricsound), Thursday, 17 July 2003 05:01 (twenty-one years ago) link

http://www.bradthegame.com/jones/big-ass-grapes.jpg

Dada, Thursday, 17 July 2003 05:06 (twenty-one years ago) link

being in a romantic relationship with one person is complicated enough for me, thankyouverymuch

oops (Oops), Thursday, 17 July 2003 05:09 (twenty-one years ago) link

I have a set of 3 friends in a poly relationship. The guy has actually moved in with both the girls, in 2 seperate apartments (ie they aren't all in one place, the 2 ladies live in their own places). How he balances time, and rent payments and the like boggles my mind. How the 2 girls deal with it happily I dont understand.

Poly, to me, always smacked a bit of one person getting all the cake, as it were, and everyone else just more or less putting up with the "arrangement" so they can at least keep the person they're shagging... but perhaps it is just a mindset I dont understand.

Trayce (trayce), Thursday, 17 July 2003 05:42 (twenty-one years ago) link

How hot is he?

Andrew Thames (Andrew Thames), Thursday, 17 July 2003 05:43 (twenty-one years ago) link

It helps when everyone involved is a bit of a sociopath.

Kenan Hebert (kenan), Thursday, 17 July 2003 05:43 (twenty-one years ago) link

Hes not that hot, really. He's a lovely guy and very very intelligent and cool, if a little scary (he likes cutting, and stuff... goddamn goths). But it appears to be a serious arrangament too, not just some lame RPG person's excuse to shag lots of chicks.

Which is why I find it all rather brain-breaking. I think the 2 girls are involved together somehow too... but I'm not sure... and one of the girls before this was a pretty normal well adjusted long-term relationships type, so god knows. Maybe hes like the hypno-toad in Futurama, and none will resist his demands. Or something.

Trayce (trayce), Thursday, 17 July 2003 05:48 (twenty-one years ago) link

i think i'm probably sufficiently disillusioned with relationships to try something crazy like polyamory for shits and giggles

electric sound of jim (electricsound), Thursday, 17 July 2003 05:50 (twenty-one years ago) link

i thought you were just into watersports?

oops (Oops), Thursday, 17 July 2003 05:52 (twenty-one years ago) link

that's just one of my many unpleasant sides of my character

electric sound of jim (electricsound), Thursday, 17 July 2003 05:53 (twenty-one years ago) link

Thats it Jim I'm not going out with you if I have to share ;P

Trayce (trayce), Thursday, 17 July 2003 05:55 (twenty-one years ago) link

love and share.. and share and love and share.. love love love.. share share share..

electric sound of jim (electricsound), Thursday, 17 July 2003 05:56 (twenty-one years ago) link

hahahahahaha

oops (Oops), Thursday, 17 July 2003 05:59 (twenty-one years ago) link

I'm up for shits and giggles esoj, let's go.

That Girl (thatgirl), Thursday, 17 July 2003 06:03 (twenty-one years ago) link

You know I never did get that saying. Whats it implying? All sounds a bit tubgurl if you ask me...

Trayce (trayce), Thursday, 17 July 2003 06:04 (twenty-one years ago) link

i was just thinking that Trayce! great minds etc etc

H (Heruy), Thursday, 17 July 2003 06:38 (twenty-one years ago) link

Does it count if everyone else in it but you thinks it's regular monogamy, and also doesn't know each other

dave q, Thursday, 17 July 2003 07:40 (twenty-one years ago) link

DUD DUD DUD DUD DUD DUD DUD DUD DUD.

It is an excuse for one person to have their cake and eat it too. It is the refuge of the emotionally selfish who doesn't mind hurting everyone around them except themselves.

Or, on the other hand, if you're that bored with a relationship that you want to start screwing around - sorry - bringing other people into it, then that relationship wasn't built on anything particularly strong in the first place.

DUD DUD DUD DUD DUD DUD DUD!!!

Not that I speak from experience either.

kate (kate), Thursday, 17 July 2003 07:52 (twenty-one years ago) link

What if it's with ppl who aren't so easily hurt-able?

dave q, Thursday, 17 July 2003 07:53 (twenty-one years ago) link

and even if they are, welcome to the human race

dave q, Thursday, 17 July 2003 07:54 (twenty-one years ago) link

Dave Q you have never, nor will you ever belong to the human race.

kate (kate), Thursday, 17 July 2003 07:56 (twenty-one years ago) link

"astronaut...barely alive!"

dave q, Thursday, 17 July 2003 07:58 (twenty-one years ago) link

I dunno, I've seen it work very well in some cases, but it does seem to help if everyone involved is in multiple relationships.

RickyT (RickyT), Thursday, 17 July 2003 08:30 (twenty-one years ago) link


does it count if you have amnesia or are sleep walking or something & you don't know you're having relationships with more than one person? not that i'm talking from personal exp.

duane, Thursday, 17 July 2003 10:34 (twenty-one years ago) link

i feel like some freaked out guinea pig

jess (dubplatestyle), Thursday, 17 July 2003 16:06 (twenty-one years ago) link

Do you squeak like one?

Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 17 July 2003 16:14 (twenty-one years ago) link

only when pressed

jess (dubplatestyle), Thursday, 17 July 2003 16:15 (twenty-one years ago) link

guinea pigs crap when you press 'em

RickyT (RickyT), Thursday, 17 July 2003 16:18 (twenty-one years ago) link

I will not press Jess.

Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 17 July 2003 16:18 (twenty-one years ago) link

For the last few years I have had a girlfriend who lives in California; I see her a few times a year, and it works out fine for all of us (she has several girlfriends of this sort).

A couple of years ago, my husband and I had a girlfriend who lived in Germany, and who was involved with both of us -- again, we would see her a few times a year and all was very nice. We went to Venice together once. She dumped us in a particularly heartless manner. Plus, she was a Momus fan!

Layna (Layna Andersen), Thursday, 17 July 2003 16:20 (twenty-one years ago) link

Yes, I think that's what it was (a pagan humping circle).

Kate nailed it from my own outside perspective, it always seemed to be one guy with an inflated sense of self-esteem and probably a too-big-dick and girls who did not have good opinions of themselves, who did a good job of seeming to be cool with everything, but in all the cases I witnessed someone was getting hurt and, away from the people in the relationship, was very obviously unhappy.

Frankly the whole thing smacks of immaturity to me.

anthony kyle monday (akmonday), Thursday, 17 July 2003 16:20 (twenty-one years ago) link

plus you know sex is fun and all but it's not the be-all and end-all of existence. you can be in a monogamous relationship and still have close friends of the opposite sex and not fuck them. have some self control for heaven's sake!

anthony kyle monday (akmonday), Thursday, 17 July 2003 16:22 (twenty-one years ago) link

Jess should start a website called Freaky Pigger.

Larcole (Nicole), Thursday, 17 July 2003 16:29 (twenty-one years ago) link

that strikes me as a pretty sexist interpretation anthony

ronan and i came up with a website the yesterday called "creaky finger"

jess (dubplatestyle), Thursday, 17 July 2003 16:31 (twenty-one years ago) link

plus you know sex is fun and all but it's not the be-all and end-all of existence. you can be in a monogamous relationship and still have close friends of the opposite sex and not fuck them. have some self control for heaven's sake!

Hell, why have a relationship in the first place, then!

Chris P (Chris P), Thursday, 17 July 2003 16:47 (twenty-one years ago) link

"someone was getting hurt and, away from the people in the relationship, was very obviously unhappy" = argt against marriage also surely, or having kids, or anything?

mark s (mark s), Thursday, 17 July 2003 16:52 (twenty-one years ago) link

I think it's fine to say, "not my cup of tea" but a lot of people here are being really judgmental and closed minded.

The only regular poster I know of who can speak with any authority on this subject is Ms. Laura.

That Girl (thatgirl), Thursday, 17 July 2003 16:54 (twenty-one years ago) link

Yus, she crossed my mind as well. Since the thread was started well before she got here, likely she hasn't seen it yet.

Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 17 July 2003 16:57 (twenty-one years ago) link

What DDG said. I'm slightly disturbed by some of the reactions on this thread.

I have been a part of a poly relationship, and while it didn't work all that well, for a whole shedload of reasons, it's not something I wouldn't consider again. I'm honestly not bothered by my partner being someone else's partner as well, providing he/she is not an arsehole. I've known enough happy poly people/relationships to be aware that it can work, and over a long period of time too.

RickyT (RickyT), Thursday, 17 July 2003 17:08 (twenty-one years ago) link

finding one person you can really get on well with is nice enough, if there was another that seemed to fit in perfectly, sure. I mean, CSN didn't think Y was a good idea, either.

g--ff c-nn-n (gcannon), Thursday, 17 July 2003 18:08 (twenty-one years ago) link

and see how that ended up!

Sterling Clover (s_clover), Thursday, 17 July 2003 18:09 (twenty-one years ago) link

and that's life!!

(special for Josh there)

g--ff c-nn-n (gcannon), Thursday, 17 July 2003 18:15 (twenty-one years ago) link

Poly? Hippies (and all their STDs) to thread!

nickalicious (nickalicious), Thursday, 17 July 2003 18:17 (twenty-one years ago) link

These days, aside from on ILX, I pretty much assume anyone I run into online is poly, like I assumed when I lived in Amherst that anyone I ran into was bi. It's just one of those things.

I've had a tiny bit of firsthand experience and tons of secondhand experience with it. It isn't for me. The majority of the people I've known who seem to make it work are people I really can't stand, which makes it all pretty moot for me: if those are the personalities required to make it work, it really really isn't for me. (I'm not counting Our Ms L, since I don't really know her.)

Tep (ktepi), Thursday, 17 July 2003 18:24 (twenty-one years ago) link

Although I don't her too much better than the most of you from what I do know I have to say Ms. Laura seems like one of the most generous, balanced, sweet and well, just, lovely people.

That Girl (thatgirl), Thursday, 17 July 2003 18:33 (twenty-one years ago) link

I don't have problems with polyamory as such (people should be able to find whatever forms of intimacy work for them, and poly oversharing is probably less harmful, because less institutionalized, than its heteronormative equivalents), but I will probably always find this funny: https://mobile.twitter.com/merrittkopas/status/680555624917299204

one way street, Friday, 1 April 2016 13:47 (eight years ago) link

I dont have a problem with anything, other than war and people talking

saer, Friday, 1 April 2016 14:00 (eight years ago) link

Legit scourges, to be sure

one way street, Friday, 1 April 2016 14:15 (eight years ago) link

one year passes...

http://nypost.com/2017/10/12/ive-been-polyamorous-for-almost-a-decade/

I feel like every article on polyamory relies on the same cliches. "50% of marriages end in divorce anyway" -- actually not true, one of those unsourced stats that has been repeated for generations now, and even less true when you account for education, age of marriage, age of divorce (not such a big deal if people divorce after their kids are out of the house).

Second the straw man idea that, in monogamy, "one person is supposed to meet all of your physical and emotional desires. I never got that message. I'm just a pessimist about the ability of "all" of ones needs and desires to be met anyway, and I think the ones met by monogamy outweigh the ones lost.

Anyway the author has neither kids nor a main partner so I don't really get the point. You date multiple people, cool story.

IF (Terrorist) Yes, Explain (man alive), Sunday, 15 October 2017 13:58 (seven years ago) link

Ppl without kids and marriage exist yknow

For the rest yeah otm

Gary Synaesthesia (darraghmac), Sunday, 15 October 2017 14:00 (seven years ago) link

Oh yeah of course. I just mean I have yet to see the article that's like "I'm 55 and we raised our 3 kids in a polyamorous multi-co-parent relationship and it worked out great". Maybe one day we will.

IF (Terrorist) Yes, Explain (man alive), Sunday, 15 October 2017 16:22 (seven years ago) link

polyamory has def gotten more exposure/press/discussion for people too young to yet be 55 with 3 kids. though we're not so far from that point probably. "the ethical slut" came out in what, 97? I feel like even at that point though there were testimonials from older, more hippie-oriented "it takes a village" type thinkers.

to be fair, it is not surprising that ppl who were early adopters AND wanted kids AND had them AND chose to raise them in something other than a primarily dyadic deal AND it went well AND they want to write about it is a small subset. i imagine there's a much much larger universe of, say, ppl with a steady primary raising kids together, but they also have other relationships that are not parenting-oriented in any way.

Doctor Casino, Sunday, 15 October 2017 16:45 (seven years ago) link

as for the one-person-meeting-all-needs thing --- doesn't this mainly come up in response to objections from monogo types? like specifically in response to people expressing worry along the lines "my partner being interested in other ppl necessarily means there's something insufficient/wrong with me or our relationship." i don't think that's a strawman, I think it's something a ton of people really believe even at a pop-psych --- oh you noticed him checking out another woman, or sharing interests that you two don't share, this a sign of a problem ahhhh!!!

obv there is a wide range of healthier ways of understanding this and I think most mature monogo ppl are well seasoned in recognizing that it's natural someone might have other desires and it doesn't mean something is wrong. I think most poly ppl are at that same place and just additionally would say (speaking broadly) that to take that stance and then also additionally say "but it cannot and must not be acted upon," doesn't add up or work for them --- and maybe that it amounts to the strawman position, that in PRACTICE the single partner is being expected to meet all needs, or that it is desirable/acceptable that the needs of people you love should be suppressed and go unmet.

no judging here as I do know many monogo ppl who seem very happy and no doubt work through these moments in thoughtful, considerate ways through a lot of serious and emotionally honest conversations. to me it's just always seemed like being poly (with its own set of serious and emotionally honest conversations) was closer to ideal and clicked more naturally in my own specific brain. but I'm not an evangelist - it is not for everybody.

Doctor Casino, Sunday, 15 October 2017 16:55 (seven years ago) link

The thing that baffles me about polyamorous people is that they're actually able to find people to be polyamorous with. It's exceedingly rare for me to meet even one romantically interesting person; I could be as a polyamorous as you like in theory without ever exceeding monogamy in practice. But apparently there are lots of people out there finding multiple simultaneous partners, drawing only from the relatively shallow pool of other polyamorists.

The inescapable conclusion: polyamorists are the most irresistibly attractive people on earth.

JRN, Sunday, 15 October 2017 17:56 (seven years ago) link

On the other hand, the pool of available polyamorists doesn't deplete as quickly. They can be in one or more relationships and still be available.

jmm, Sunday, 15 October 2017 18:17 (seven years ago) link

Maybe they're just really good at sexing.

Moodles, Sunday, 15 October 2017 18:18 (seven years ago) link

Maybe I'm insane but I think reactionary anti-monogamy is stupid

Monogamy is awesome, the benefits of descending through the aging process with your body and your partner's body ensconced in a protective bathysphere is marvellous.

I don't believe anybody who says "humans aren't inherently monogamous" because they're wrong, humans are and society is. The psychological construct of monogamy is imo an intrinsic necessity

All the best poly-relationships, that I've observed, are just hybrids and extensions of that experience imo

fgti, Sunday, 15 October 2017 18:19 (seven years ago) link

On the other hand, the pool of available polyamorists doesn't deplete as quickly. They can be in one or more relationships and still be available.
― jmm, Sunday, October 15, 2017 1:17 PM (twenty-five minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Good point! I hadn't thought of that.

JRN, Sunday, 15 October 2017 18:45 (seven years ago) link

honestly i don't get why anybody who hadn't had direct negative experience with it would be anti-polyamory.

bob lefse (rushomancy), Sunday, 15 October 2017 18:51 (seven years ago) link

i am too needy to be polyamorous but idgaf how other people live their lives, do whatever makes you happy

k3vin k., Sunday, 15 October 2017 18:53 (seven years ago) link

If you're in a city/region with a big kink network, it normally follows that there's a decent-ish pool of poly-friendly people. At least in my very limited experience anyhow…

carson dial, Sunday, 15 October 2017 18:59 (seven years ago) link

I know a poly triad where all three are bringing kids from previous marriages. The logistics of that are beyond impressive to me. Two sets of stepchildren each, screw that.

louise ck (milo z), Sunday, 15 October 2017 19:08 (seven years ago) link

Logistics of kids full stop

Again idk why poly gets bad rap there

Gary Synaesthesia (darraghmac), Sunday, 15 October 2017 19:52 (seven years ago) link

Even if one has no interest in engaging oneself with poly-relationship stuff, this sort of line of discussion has been useful for me in conducting emotional labour for my various friends who are dealing with extra-marital affairs, cheating, open relationships, as well as poly-stuff

fgti, Sunday, 15 October 2017 23:21 (seven years ago) link

Tbf more than two people helping to raise kids can potentially be very helpful -- in laws and aunts and cousins and friends and the like. I'm just more skeptical of the ability of people to commit to each other and go parenting in that sort of complex, multidirectional way. The main thing I believe in is that kids are better off when there is at least one or two primary parents who are always going to be there. I guess if you have that nailed down, maybe the drifting in and out of others would be less problematic. But idk. The whole anti-self-denial streak I see in a lot of writing about poly worries me when it comes to parenting because parenting requires a lot of self denial.

IF (Terrorist) Yes, Explain (man alive), Monday, 16 October 2017 00:41 (seven years ago) link

it gets a bad rap because the most vocal and visible poly people are fuckin’ insufferable

mh, Monday, 16 October 2017 00:48 (seven years ago) link

the most vocal and visible poly people are fuckin’ insufferable

bob lefse (rushomancy), Monday, 16 October 2017 00:56 (seven years ago) link

like cultists

j., Monday, 16 October 2017 01:00 (seven years ago) link

four years pass...

this badiouian-maoist critique of polyamory

amazing!

budo jeru, Saturday, 11 June 2022 04:34 (two years ago) link

revolutionaryphilosophycommittee.wordpress.com is no longer available.
The authors have deleted this site.

sarahell, Saturday, 11 June 2022 12:38 (two years ago) link

rip

the cat needs to start paying for its own cbd (map), Saturday, 11 June 2022 17:53 (two years ago) link

i wayback machine'd it, you should too?

budo jeru, Saturday, 11 June 2022 18:30 (two years ago) link

thanking u!

sarahell, Saturday, 11 June 2022 18:42 (two years ago) link

Those who engage in polyamory speak about loving multiple people, yet they never once ask the question, ‘what is love?’

badiou don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more

sarahell, Saturday, 11 June 2022 18:44 (two years ago) link

this badiouian-maoist critique of polyamory

amazing!

― budo jeru

at least we don't have to content with a baeddelian critique of polyamory (lol as if such i could even imagine a self-identified baeddel who wasn't poly)

Kate (rushomancy), Saturday, 11 June 2022 20:34 (two years ago) link


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