pro tip

83. Hash tag puns will impress your friends. #browns #cakes cornedbeef# madeacomplete#ofthis

84. Rolling a joint and stuck for something to help tamp down the top end? Oh look, there's a chopstick! #pokeandtoke

85. when offering a cigarette to a homeless person, remove it from the pack yourself and hand it to them. do not offer the pack to them so they can take one. #dirtyfingers

86. make sure you change a few large notes into single dollar bills before you arrive at the club -- don't expect the bar staff to break a hundred #makingitrainondemhoes

87. bonita applebum? you gotta put me on #pro-tip #q-tip

88. if you have dots in your gmail username you don't even need to enter them when logging in! #usernames

89. Don't wash your hands, dummy, they're only gonna get dirty again! #science

90. always vote 'no', works eveytime #voting

91. You can ride a horse anywhere! #vehicles

92. If you attend a halloween party, BRING CANDY!! Because A) so few ppl think to actually do this (ime) and B) everyone loves candy and, in turn, you. #raddudes'r'us

I don't know about the rest of you, but I like to imagine these pro tips as spoken by Dr. Steve Brule

93. read these pro tips in the voice of dr. steve brule #stealingotherpeoplesgoodideas

94. itchy bedbugs driving you crazy? no, actually, you've just contracted leprosy #imsorryman

Ahem.

This one sounds like it should be said by Dr Steve Brule.

"dip your pretzels in hummus, dummy! For your health!"

― Sunn O))) Sundae Smile (Trayce), Wednesday, 27 October 2010 16:44 (1 week ago)

D'OH

<3

If your boots are made for walking then that's just what they'll do #walkalloveryou

96. The best rubberbands come free with asparagus #rubberbands

97. If you think seeing people pick their noses is funny then move to a city with good public transportation #golddigging

98. are you a non-nerd looking to make conversation with a nerd? just say "i don't really understand how role-playing games work" and hold on tight! #nerds

99. if you're wanting some nutella on your bread and you find that there isn't any in the cupboard, melt whatever chocolate you do have in the microwave and then immediately stuff the bread into your mouth afterwards for maximum effect

#tastyasfuck

100. you should always try to be #100 at any activity in which getting #1 is not the best outcome #baseten

101. replace all instances of base with based #basedten

102. need to impressive a girl? turn up the bass as much as possible, girls LOVE that! #waystomakeyourbuttitch

need to impressive a girl?
need to impressive a girl?
need to impressive a girl?

why because she look intersting

103. Have a rusty, annoyingly difficult-to-use can opener? Just fucking buy a new one and live a happier, more time-efficient life. #timesavers

104. Relive a golden Doctor Who moment by watching any episode ever made before 2010.

#goldenmoments

105. if you're going to buy a cheap three-pack of underwear at Target, make sure it's the last thing you pick up, not the first. #walkofshame

106. Get a space heater! They're awesome. #itsfuckingcoldoutside

107. If you want to complete a task very quickly, drink a couple of glasses of water beforehand and then use "going to a bathroom" as a reward completing your task. #Isortofaccidentallydidthiswhilewashingthedisheslastnight

108. If someone at work hands you a sheet with a long list of crazy instructions, and the first instruction is "be sure to read all of the instructions before going on", you should quickly scan the bottom of the list, because there's a chance that the final instruction is "do not follow any of the previous instructions". #getapromotionin30daysorless

109. If you're planning to make tuna salad and are worried about the thumb strain of using your old-style can opener to open 4 cans of tuna, simply open one per day in the days leading up to the day you want to eat your tuna salad. #distributingeffort

counterpoint:

103. Have a rusty, annoyingly difficult-to-use can opener? Just fucking buy a new one and live a happier, more time-efficient life. #timesavers

― Matt Armstrong, Monday, November 22, 2010 8:23 AM (1 month ago) Bookmark

not on my budget.

110. are you poor? get a better job, or steal something #money

whoa

111. if multiple females and relations tell you that "i normally hate facial hair, but your beard _really_ suits you," you are probably not handsome under that hair. #groomingepiphanies

oh DANG

112. awake, in agony, and paralyzed while under anesthesia? don't telepathically threaten the surgeon with a malpractice suit. just chill, bro. #ouchouchmakeitstop

That actually happened to my mom once

was she in any pain? what an awful, traumatizing experience it must be, especially if people don't believe your story afterwards.

it was actually rhinoplasty (which she totally regrets), and it wasn't ouch-pain but she could, like, feel the saws and stuff. She didn't even sue, either.

frightening stuff. I imagine it's not even provable (in court or otherwise) in most cases, athough I've heard of $$$$$$$ damages being paid out in rare instances.

During a very minor liver biopsy I recently had (they gave me Valium and morphine in an IV, but I was fully awake), they seemed to be doing an audio recording (documenting times at which certain things were happening). I wonder if that is commonplace. If so, perhaps the patient could quote what she heard as evidence of her being conscious.

audio recording is pretty commonplace iirc

actually, wait

when i was in surgery, all those "audibles" were just entered into a computer, not recorded.