Football Chants

Why do I come over as an "uber-curmudgeon"?

I'll admit I get depressed over lots of things, and that comes through (what you see as curmudgeonly is in fact just depression and private rage coming out), but I'm actually far more relaxed and "laddish" (if you want to use such a phrase) than I sound.

It's a pity that you've been so harsh lately, because I like your posts and I like what you say. I have conspiracy theories, yes, but I don't think I'm *that* bad.

Robin, you know I'm only kidding. We've talked about this before, how you always throw a spanner in the works (e.g. deliberately living out in a village somewhere so you can have a go at Londoners, etc.). Plus I really really like the word "curmudgeon".

The best chants are always about shitter players anyway. Me and my mate Dan came up with "Brolin, Brolin, Brolin..." a few years back. It was a struggle to come up with the second line, I tell you. I'm still known to shout "Keep on Brolin... baby!" when drunk, which doesn't even mean anything.

When I was about 7 or 8 I learnt "Always Look On The Runway For Ice" and thought it was about there always being ice at Manchester Airport because Lancashire's shit or something. Good job I didn't learn the Munich Air Crash Song (which is way more Leeds than Liverpool - fuck Liverpool trying to have a rivalry with Man United, that's shit).

When watching the local non-league team, we sing the theme to Jurassic Park. That's just because we used to have a mate who looked like a dinosaur and came with us.

he shot, he missed, he got a monkey pissed, Edmundoooooo, Edmundooooo based on a true story

(to the tune of Prince Charming) Inzaghi, Inzaghi, Del Piero's nothing to be scared of

zidan zidane zidane zidane, zidane you're rocking the boat.

Are you sure about that last naaaaa, I think that makes it sound like the Blakes seven theme tune?

So my favourite song has to be a version of Ottowan's D.I.S.C.O Which our near neighbours SWFC Changed to D.I.CANIO. He was being a wanker and we were 2-1 up Singing D.I.WANKIO, D.IWANKIO!!!!

Oh and Walking in a Wilson Wonderland, as he took us up and Wednesday down!!!

hey, dont knock brolin. he did pretty well as Palaces pseudo-manager, considering he had to translate lombardos exhortations into English to shout at the lads on the pitch, as well as feed his ever growing paunch.

plus i seem to remember hims coring a MAGIC goal once at leeds i think....

Anyway, I'm probably answering a question that you already know the answer to but it's regarding the Greasy Chip Butty Song. Unsurprisingly us Sheffield United fans regard this as our song (I think the Grimsby fans must have nicked it) and it does go to the tune of Annie's Song by John Denver. Anyway, it goes like this...

You fill up my senses like a gallon of Magnet, Like a packet of woodbine, like a good pinch of snuff, Like a night out in Sheffield, like a greasy chip butty, Like Sheffield United, come fill me again. Nana na na na naa etc.

It is a constant source of amusement amongst older Blades because the young chabbies always sing about a gallon of maggots. Bless their little cotton socks, they have never heard of the beer brewed by John Smiths and think that pint pots full of maggots is a pleasurable experience.

#"We hate Rangers more than you! We ha te Rangers - more than you"# (sung by Aberdeen fans to Celtic fans).

#"Bobo's gonna get ye"# to the tune of "Belly's Gonna Get Ye" sung by Celtic fans when Dianbobo (Bobo!!!) Balde disses on some striker.

And if you want an affectionate anti-scouser chant,

"We've got Di Canio, You've got our stereos"

Everton fans love our Paolo.

And whilst we're at it:

We drink Champagne, we snort Cocaine,
We've got ladies, over 'ere,
You've got shit jobs, you shag your dogs,
And your wife is on the game

We drink Campari, We drive Ferrari,
We've got labels in our lives
You've got bus stops, second hand shops
And you're mum's in readers wives

We wear Gucci, we wear Armani,
We've got cashmere over here,
You've got shell suits, wellington boots,
And your haircut's soooooo last year

Original verse penned on a bus from White Hart Lane, legend has it.

No No No. It's:
Alex Ferguson's illegitimate / he ain't got a birth certificate / he's got AIDS and he can't get rid of it / he's a ... bastard.

But of course the definitive football chant is:
We are not we're not really here / we are not we're not really here / just like the fans of the invisible man / we're not really here.

What possesses grown men with little imagination to sing along with such bizarreness? OK, peer pressure is the answer. Yet it remains mighty strange to hear x-thousand people singing this.

Favourite? On seeing an inflatable skeleton in the Kop, Man U fans chanting "Shankly is back, whoa, whoa"

Least Favourite? That "you're not very good" one that seemed to be sung every week at Selhurst Park by the visiting fans

I read that the "We're not really here... just like the fans of the invisible man" song was started by Man United fans in the 70s after the 'Red Army' got banned from everywhere for repeated hooliganism. They weren't supposed to be at any of the games, but they got in en masse anyway, hence the song. I don't know why Man City fans sing it every week now.

Guess you had to be there.

Deliah... WHORE!
What is she good for?
Absolutely nothing, say it again!

Norwich... SCUM!
What are they good for?
Absolutely nothing, say it again!

Huckerby... CUNT!
What is he good for?
Absolutely nothing, say it again!

And so on....

to the tune of ‘She’ll be coming ‘round the mountain’

You can stick your fucking saucepans up your arse,
You can stick your fucking saucepans up your arse,
You can stick your fucking saucepans,
stick your fucking saucepans,
stick your fucking saucepans up your arse... SIDEWAYS!

You can stick your fucking cookbooks up your arse,
You can stick your fucking cookbooks up your arse,
You can stick your fucking cookbooks,
stick your fucking cookbooks,
stick your fucking cookbooks up your arse... SIDEWAYS!

and so on...

"Does your boyfriend know you're here?"
West Ham fans to Brighton.

Have two clubs ever bought / sold / loaned more players to each other?

The boy Davenport is quality, sorry to see him go. A looker too.

brighton fans learnt this one after the exeter fans chanted it at them...

Chim chimmeny chim chimmeny chim chim cheroo
His name's Tim Howard and he says 'fuck you'

I would have killed to see him back in the blue and white. Treacle was always quality for us, you are aware of the Spurs equation aren't you?

Anyway, I've no idea if this was ever an actaul chant, but I saw a play about a goalkeeper once which had the chant

There's only one John Mckenna,
one John Mckenna,
a packet of sweets, a cheesy smile,
Mckenna is a paedophile

Is it something like: X+Y = Z/2

Where X is 1, Y is 6 to the power of 3 and Carrick is a cunt.

Explain the Spurs equation to me.

You mean you've never heard that a Spurs player must perform to a maximum of 66% of their true abilities?

http://football.guardian.co.uk/continentalfootball/story/0,,1719091,00.html

It's about time UEFA stamped this sort of thing out

This is how it feels to be soaking
This is how it feels to be wet
This is how it feels when you won't pay the yankee gnome's debt

Followed by a, "You only knocked nine down" etc

"One decent Lester, there's only one decent Lester."

And top marks to Spurs for this Guardian reader-baiting and highly topical effort:

"Sol, Sol, wherever you may be
You're on the verge of lunacy
And we don't give a fcuk if you're hanging from a tree
You Judas cnute with HIV"

HARK NOW HEAR
THE CITY SING
UNITED RAAAN AWAY
AND WE WILL FIGHT
FOREVERMORE
BECAUSE OF DERBY DAAAY!

'We are not, we're not really here....'comes from when we were down in Division 2, and none too proud.

What else? Oh yes the good old mocking of Mourinho:

'That Coats from Matalan, that coats from Matalan'

"If they stop chanting but start rioting out of frustration, then you're worse off."

Section B WANK WANK WANK

In yer Maryhill slums, you rake through the bin for something to eat, ye find a deid rat and ye think its a treat, in yer Maryhill slums

I'm watching the play-off semi between Brystal Palace and Cristol City at the moment and I can hear a chant to the tune of Sloop John B (the bit which goes "I feel so broke up, I wanna go home"), but I can't make out the words. As far as I know, Man Utd started using this tune for chants about 5 years ago, and over the last few years it's spread to several clubs, but with different words every time.

First up United sang about City's new stadium:
We paid for their home, We paid for their hoooooome, What a waste of council tax, We paid for their home

Then midway through the 04/05 season this one took off:
He plays on the left, He plays on the riiiiiight, that boy Ronaldo, makes Beckham look shite

Then after Liverpool won the European Cup they started singing:
We won it five times, we won it five tiiiiiimes, in Istanbul*, we won it five times
*this doesn't seem to scan, so there might be another word or two which I've missed out

To which United responded by playing the Heysel card:
We won it two times, we won it two tiiiiiimes, without killing anyone, we won it two times

Then, in the wake of the 06 World Cup, the Ronaldo song was changed so that it was England instead of Beckham (and some people sang 'winks' instead of 'plays').

Then earlier this season Arsenal started singing:
Adebayor, Adebayooooooor, give him the ball, and he will score

To which Spurs responded with:
Adebayor, Adebayooooooor, his Dad washes elephants and his Mum is a whore

Then just recently I've heard Chelsea singing (in response to Liverpool's jibes):
We're going to Moscow, we're going to Moscoooooow, fuck your history, we're going to Moscow

one for the New England Revolution

Oh, Tay-lor Twellman has a cold sore,
Has a cold sore,
Has a COLD SORE!
Now Ste-vie Ralston has a cold sore,
Has a cold sore,
Has a COLD SORE!
Now Shir-ly Joseph has a cold sore,
Has a cold sore,
Has a COLD SORE!
Now Ste-vie Nichol has a cold sore,
Has a cold sore,
Has a COLD SORE!
Now Jayyy Heaps has a cold sore,
Has a cold sore,
Has a COLD SORE!
And Maaatt Ries has a cold sore,
From suck-ing off his mom!

"We've got Novak, we've got Novaa-ak.
"Our carpets are filthy, we've got Novak."
Huddersfield Town supporters show their love for Lee Novak.

"When the City are playing frightful,
"We've got our Dutchman so delightful,
"And even though he's just on loan,
"Evander Sno, Evander Sno, Evander Sno!"

Bristol City supporters to the tune of Let It Snow - about the on-loan Ajax midfield maestro.

Bollocks does that work.

"Who did you support before?"
Leeds fans question the football fidelity of the MK Dons support.

Who *did* they support before?

Also "Where were you when you were shit?" to a packed Ewood Park watching Walker's millions winning them the league.

"Boom boom boom, let me hear you say Bale, Ba-le!"

delicious

Not least because Bale! Bale! Bale! was kinda rubbish

Surprised there's no mention of the Gary Neville song, to the tune of Rebel Rebel (it really is the name of his father at the end, of course)
Neville, Neville, you play in defence,
Neville, Neville, your play is immense,
Neville, Neville, like Jacko you’re bad,
Neville Neville is the name of your dad

Went to the 98 World Cup final, and on the way back on the train, we taught the defeated Brazilian fans in our carriage to sing "He's fat/ He's shit/ He's never fucking fit/ Ronaldo/ Ronaldo." Which is not that funny in and of itself, but was when sung by 200 Brazilians in yellow shirts.

neville nevilles a classic alright

UEFA Cup Final 2003, shuttle bus to the stadium from the centre of Seville was spent teaching some bemused Portugeezers (to the tune of "she'll be coming round the mountain")

"they'll be jumping out the windaes when we win, they'll be jumping out the windaes when we win, they'll be jumping out the windaes, jumping out the windaes, jumping out the windaes when we win"

"and we hope it's spikey railings when they land..."

"and we hope the paramedics are on strike..."

and various other verses of increasing unpleasantness

Also, on the Sloop John B tip, last year at a Celtic v Rangers reserve game at Ibrox, when Rangers goalie Allan McGregor's tabloid-friendly lovelife was in full swing:

"The baby's not yours, the baby's not yours, Allan McGregor, the baby's not yours"

*pause*

"It's Paddy McCourt's, it's Paddy McCourt's, Allan McGregor, it's Paddy McCourt's"

(it's not Paddy McCourt's, AFAIK, btw)

two andy gorams ftw tho

catchy: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-tagn3lB3I&feature=player_embedded

total shite

He's big, he's bad, he's Wesley Brown,
He's the hardest man in all the town.
With orange hair beware.
Come and have a go if you dare...

What you on about? That one was always great!

NO ONE LIKES US, NO ONE LIKES US
NO ONE LIKES US, WE DON'T CARE!

WE ARE MILLWALL, SUPER MILLWALL
WE ARE MILWALL FROM THE DEN!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=coUd-AaLkjQ