Tell Me About: Threesomes

wb deems

― imago, Wednesday, November 19, 2014 9:22 PM (2 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Lel

yo, blogged, serious q, do you or have you had other obsessive thoughts abt things?

hi, sorry for taking so long to respond, lost my passsword for this acct

thanks you all for taking to time to converse about this in a way i've found very helpful, i have found some solace and understanding in some of these replies (btw, lol at "threesh", also, no) i fully realize any problem i'm facing relating to this is really nothing more than a result of depression; my thoughts are the only thing that's changed as a result of that conversation we had. anyway reading all the replies and spending a pleasant day with my girl have eased my mind a little. i haven't wanted to actually have some big deep conversation about this because she has finals this week and has been studying rorshach test administration like crazy. (i've been helping her with this and reading about other people's pathologies, or just pathology in general, also helps ease my mind sometimes) she has her last test today and i might talk with her more tonite about this if i can't stop dwelling on it. but i think that the best thing to do is probably just get over it and drop it one way or another.

i should have asked the question "should i talk to a therapist (though i don't go to therapy) about this before i talk to her?", i think that's really what i meant to ask.

some replies:

is that guy really a threat? She's with you.

i don't feel threatened in my relationship at all, my gf is more in love with me than anyone i've dated (and likewise me to her), i am just sinking into this rabbithole of regrets about my life experiences.

would it be different if it were a freewheeling twosome

i mean, yeah. i've mostly come to accept the fact that people hook up all the time and i am not one of those people. it's a little different when it intersects with a fantasy like this i think. it's something i've always thought of as inconceivable for me...

but if your gal said "hey, i'd be down to get some mangos, with some boundaries - they have to be safe mangos" then maybe you should take her up on that?

i think a big part of why i'm distraught in my contemplating this is that i think actually trying to do this now would be a bad idea in our relationship. we're both kind of insecure, it's not just me, and we have a very strong intimacy going that we both enjoy. but the alternative for me seems to be dropping the idea of it, and then dwelling on it forever...?

i feel like any attempt to talk through my feelings with her would turn into shitty emotional manipulation of one sort or another

This is the bit you should be worried about. It doesn't sound like you're going to berate her for her past so what you're fearing is being honest with her about your own emotions - if you're worried about this turning into emotional manipulation then there's a more fundamental communication problem here.

Will help/feel less manipulative if you take the option of a threesome with her + someone else off the table entirely? Because I think you should do that.

yeah, i think you nailed the issue i'm having. i don't want to talk about it because i'm scared she would want to agree to it for the wrong reasons, and we would be hit with a harder wave of emotions to deal with. i'm trying to imagine a conversation where i talk through the thoughts i'm having and then say, 'but let's not do this because it would be bad probably' without being at least a little disingenuous

acknowledging your own ego issues and understanding how much sex-related judgments stem from ghosts of stupid awful body-hating xian morality (and addressing those judgments) really opens up worlds of opportunities and freedom ime/imo. i guess it's different in str8 relationships cuz there's so much damn panopticism from others abt what is acceptable whereas gays are already marginalized by the center and hence are more free abt some things but even there those kinds of judgments enter in.

this reads like a good post but it isn't connecting with me for some reason... surely the majority of the reasons i am fixated on this are social rather than sexual or personal, but that doesn't seem to matter in my head right now.

blogged out is M.I.A.

― guess that bundt gettin eaten (Alfred, Lord Sotosyn), Wednesday, November 19, 2014 5:09 PM (12 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

yes where are you dude?
my bad, re-registering another account after losing my pass for this one was something i could not manage to do in the window of time i had to post about this last night.

Clouds otm of course, but I wonder how much of bo's frustration is rooted in "I want this thing" vs. "I wish I had the agency to achieve this thing with my good looks and charming wit alone".

when i read this i thought "YES, dude gets it". then i rethought that for a second and i'm like, ok, i guess what i'm experiencing is textbook entitlement. but yeah, even if i come to terms with the idea that i'm not that guy, it is such a fascinating, mind-fucking mystery how things like this occur to me. i'm scared to ask her for more details, but i feel like i need to know how it happened, like this will shine a light on some aspect of human interaction that i've always felt alien to?

idk it's just a thing that gets hypostatized as some wild experience.

well if it isn't, what is? (will not be asking my gf this, for all i know this is the tip of the iceberg. she went to U$F ffs and i know she was pretty much living that WOO COLLEGE party lifestyle for those years.)
i'm just stupid jealous that i was going to nerdy art rock shows and studiously avioding talking to girls at that point in my life (and most points in my life).

yo, blogged, serious q, do you or have you had other obsessive thoughts abt things?

i don't think i've ever latched onto something like this badly, but i definitely have the tendency to internalize things/emotions/desires and never act on them. isn't that normal? i dunno

oh yeah meant to mention somewhere in this post that i'm 29 and she's 25. maybe this is just typical mid/late 20's shit. probably it is.

thanks again guys for engaging with my immaturity, it's always better letting this bullshit out into the open.

go to a therapist yes, also if you already know you are depressed.

I went back-and-forth between this thread and the Cosby thread too quickly and thought someone was giving you the advice

if you are rich and famous ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE WILL HAVE SEX WITH YOU!! like, millions of people! for free! even weird dangerous sex or any kind of sex you can think of. people will actually let you drug them and have sex with them if you are rich and famous enough!!!

lol same exact thing happened to me

i should have asked the question "should i talk to a therapist (though i don't go to therapy) about this before i talk to her?", i think that's really what i meant to ask.

yes

@ boiv no I don't think it's textbook entitlement. I have had the experience (despite being a reasonably attractive human) that it is Impossible For My Human Mind To Get It that that my own attractiveness is something that would cause another human to respond to. (A friend or two have looked at uglykid photos of me and been like "oh I get it! I get why you're like this!")

My current 11+ year LTR was borne out of "huh?" like there is somebody who's interested in me? and any further interest expressed by third parties has been laced with the feeling that there must be something wrong with this person for them. to be interested. in me.

So yeah I was curious if your situation might be similar, that you're in a happy relationship, but that you can't help but feel a latent desire toward reinforcement-of-self-worth, that having a second woman express that desire toward you, that might be the cause of your frustration.

I don't know what it's like for MFF but MMM threesomes are only fun for the LTR in that you're "shaking things up", ime. Weird unexpected things, remembering that bodies can behave in other ways. I don't think there is any nirvana that can be achieved in having a mouth around each ball (though research persists)

At last he smiled with embarrassment and said that his wife had once gone to college and eaten mango there, and she often told him about it, and he would have to say the happiest moment of his life was her trip, and the eating of the mango.

I don't think there is any nirvana that can be achieved in having a mouth around each ball (though research persists)

beautiful, <3 u fgti

ps regarding the OP, my limited experience is 50/50 good/bad out of the two times I've tried it

in each case, right ball good, left ball bad

i have always been bad at sex jokes (and all other jokes). carry on!

are you sex at bad jokes?

i think within a one-week window in middle school i said "what is a boner?" in front of 75+ students in orchestra rehearsal, and then got punked by some kid who asked me if i knew what spooning was and then proceeded to give me an incorrect definition of spooning

http://cache4.asset-cache.net/gc/200191987-001-female-student-raising-hand-in-classroom-gettyimages.jpg?v=1&c=IWSAsset&k=2&d=xyysMdXLY3NLiBAv4iY6urEbc7gN8BrWNRVv1cgR5MlcUw4RuQO8KD%2FIYN4zgZoE

what is a boner

Plenty of people never had a threesome, been invited to one or were interested in one but have had plenty of other sexual experiences. It never appealed to me... Taurus, INFJ I don't know. There have been times when it was suggested and I turned red both times and just sort of...left. When I hear about someone who fell in love and got married in their twenties and have been happily married 15-20 years by now, I always wonder what if I just had just not been who I was for twenty years. Pointless to go down that road. If you feel this is gnawing at you, best talk to a therapist. Don't ask for details it's all rumination. Totally think what you were doing was cooler. If it's any consolation I didn't see nearly enough shows and I have no degree. Both trump a threesome with a random in my elder opinion.

The number of people I know who have engaged in threesomes just keeps getting larger, and it continues to blow my mind.

Oh no wait, that's not my mind.

Ha!

been holding out for insurance/ job. It's the first time in my life that I am not getting jobs I apply too. That rejection has been hard as well. Find myself reading astrologyzone several times a month. Grasping. I did do some counseling through a woman's organization recently but felt the counselor wasn't getting my issues. She was a bit too aggressive for me and I sort of felt steamrolled by her ideas of me. But was that impression real or just part of my depression? Things have gone a bitower since then. Amazing what a little insurance could do. Looked into Obamacate and uh.....that won't work for me. I actually had a a small meltdown over that because for weeks I thought that would solve everything.

And that should go on another thread.

sounds sexy tho!

insurance job > [redacted]

TMI: Too Much Insurance

Threesomes are like eating 1/4 of a cake in one sitting: awesome in the moment and rich with that delicious "I can't believe I'm actually doing this!" feeling of transgression and then it's over and you feel uncomfortable and a little shamed and also you have diabetes.

found out from a mutual friend that this radical couple in our college activist group was interested in having a threesome with me. they were really intense and often caustic anarchist types that intimidated the other activists, but they were always really really sweet to me and then i found out the likely reason why. i was kind of shocked since i was just this naive freshman and didn't expect many people to be interested in me. not sure if i would have done it though - it was rumored that the guy in the couple had his dick pierced and that doesn't interest me at all.

it all depends on the three

*tera's story above built up so much tension and suspense.

Coincidental FB update from a friend:
It's so cold hell has frozen over. The only possible explanation for me eating a mango.

the warmth of cuddling up with a mango or two

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5vpsTQ786_I

There's this weird delusion that str8 guys have, that when a MFF threesome occurs, it is somehow all about the super-studly babe-attracting powers of the M in the equation. Of the MFF threesomes I've had, and all the women I've talked to about random hookup threesomes, 3 times out of 4, the threesome is actually about the ~bi-curious~ (or just plain bi) desires of the women involved, and the dude involved is pretty incidental / really only there as an excuse or cover to try out lady-love.

(Long term couples I have no experience with, but others' experience indicates 50/50?)

But if you are a dude asking yourself "why am I not the kind of guy who gets to have threesomes?" it is way less about you, and way more about the women you know.

TL; DR there's no guy in threesome.

i know one (1) guy who is in a literal polyamorous relationship with two girls (all three dating each other etc) and he is a person who once yelled at me for saying "dice" when referring to a singular die

Beer and pot make the threesome more casual.