Grown so ugly.

I feel like I'm at least breaking even as I age and possibly getting better looking on account of not really having has any concept of fitness until at least my early twenties and then very gradually getting better and more serious about working out. I had a few years of decline after the kids were born, but around last August I reintroduced a pretty fierce gym habit and also started seriously lifting for the first time in my life, which I feel like has made me look stronger and more manly than I used to and given me more presence.

kind of a wash for me -- I am more comfortable in my skin, but less comfortable in my clothes, perhaps because perpetual ongoing low-grade student poverty means that the only new additions to my wardrobe in the last ~5 years have been gifts from mom. I like to imagine that I will eventually look quite dashing in a suit, though!

Got into- not an argument, but a discussion w/ ex trying to explain to her I was taking a short break from OKCupid, Tinder, etc while I worked on losing weight- doing a 12-week calorie cut to try and drop 15-ish pounds, at least. How am I suppsoed to react to being told it doesn't matter, people will like you whatever, etc when seriously I have been somewhere between slight to worryingly overweight ever since I got started on antidepressants when I was about 12? It's basically impossible to explain to people who were attractive in their teens/20s/etc, but basically I hate my body as it is now and as it has ever been and I want to burn that shit to the fucking ground. Why is it vanity or cowardice to want to take some time out and work on myself so I can not have fucking tits at least once before Im' 40?

In a few years I am certain that people will be remarking at how dapper and handsome I look as I lie in my coffin.

The mourners, of course will be lying rather more pleasantly (see what I did there?).