Alternate endings to classic jokes

Knock knock!

Who's there?

A man with no arms!

What are you knocking with then?

Wouldn't you like to know!

(er didn't read the original question!)

What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes?

Unfortunate.

My wife's gone on holiday!

Jakarta?

Yes, she's having a wonderful time, I got a postcard this morning, look at the interesting stamp.

My wife watches Saudi television.

Al Jazeera?

No, I'm deaf.

I went to the doctor this morning, and he told me I had acute angina. I was quite worried as that's rather serious.

Doctor Doctor I feel like a pair of (Chinese) curtains.

Hmm, I think I should refer you to a psychologist.

Doctor Doctor I feel like a bridge!

I'm a newsagent not a doctor!

What have David Beckham and Ferrero Rocher got in common?
Neither of them have cooties.

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

Steve

What do you call a man with no arms and legs out at sea?

In serious danger of drowning. Someone should call the lifeguard immediately. or Steve.

Why did the boy throw the clock out of the window?

Because he's a destructive little sod, that's why. Now, in my day kids were well-behaved, spoke only when they were spoken to, etc. etc.

I once shot an elephant in my pajamas. It was early morning and I hadn't time to change into proper safari wear. I remember thinking "maybe I should a robe on, but if I do the elephant might get away", so I didn't. Funnily enough, for breakfast I had a poached egg.

*put* robe on

What's the difference between a bra and the French football team? One is obviously a collective name for a squad of 23 individuals, whilst the other is an undergarment.

I'd like to change my "Peter" punchline to "Steve".

(opps really sorry dan, I guess I am guilty of getting carried away with posting whilst not reading through fear of getting caught not doing any work. i feel bad)

A man walks into a bar with his pet alligator. After a brief argument with the bartender about bringing pets into his establishment, he makes a bet with everyone at the bar that he can safely put his genitals in the alligator's mouth. After another argument about the state's obscenity laws, several people take him up on his bet. He drops trou, the alligator opens its mouth, and the man places is manhood inside. Suddenly, the alligator slams its jaw shut, severing the man's penis. The man falls to the ground whimpering in pain and, while the bartender frantically dials 911 and a nearby patron valiantly applies direct pressure, the rest of the patrons point and laugh, shouting, "PAY UP, DUMBASS!"

(jel, don't feel bad; I think tying our jokes together as a series increases the overall level of funny.)

My son comes up to me with some dog shit in his hand and says "I think this could hold the answer to our nation's energy crisis."

My dog's got no nose

Oh Christ that's disgusting, look at the gaping mess where your dog's face used to be. Anyone with half an ounce of sense would run like the wind from that blood-faced freak. God that's horrible.

Q: What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft? A: If you didn't ask permission first, a lot of trouble from the authorities and the mining company.

Q: What do you call a deaf guy who hangs around musicians? A. Ludwig van Beethoven. Or Steve.

What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine? Only one is a human being (possibly named Steve).

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it could.

― jel --, Thursday, 13 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Why did the beach blush?

This is due to a rare solar phenomenom, whereby at sunset on a partly clouldy day a beach will take on a rosey glow, leading to tales of a beach blushing.

knock, knock.

who's there?

Amos.

Amos who?

Amos your boyfriend you idiot, let me in, i've forgotten my keys!

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Scott
Scott who?
Scott just bit me! Ouch!

Why won't you starve in the desert?

I'm assuming you have bought along a large supply of food - otherwise sustinence is often hard to come by in the infertile sandy terrain.

what goes ninety-nine plonk, ninety-nine plonk?
Somebody consuming ice creams with flakes and cheap wine alternately.

eater at restaurant: waiter waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
waiter: well, we could get you another bowl, but our chef will inevitably have spat in it.

btw this thread is BEST THREAD EVER!

Q. What was the woman doing out of the house?
A. She was at work, banging her head against the glass ceiling.

What do you call a girl standing in the middle of a tennis court?

Claire

Q. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A. I don't know, I've never met one.

knock knock!
who's there?
doctor
doctor who?
no, your GP you dork.

knock knock!
who's there?
police
police who?
sting and his bandmates.

knock knock
who's there?
irish stew
irish stew who?
thats my full name. i have wierd parents.

Why do women have small feet?
Well, mainly because their bodies are smaller anyway, and large feet on them would just look ridiculous.

what do you call a man with half a brain?

well, dead quite probably or at the very least severely brain-damaged!

Q. where do you weigh whales?
A. on a very big pair of scales.

Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders?

A: Because they match the rest of the outfit.

Q: Is your refrigerator running?

A: No, the power went out this morning.

Q: What time is it when your clock strikes thirteen?

A: Thirteen o'clock obviously, dumbass.

Man, this thread could go on for years.

What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun?

A strange turn of events

two nuns in a bath - wheres the soap

just by my foot

how do you make milk shake

shake it

what do you call a dog owned by dracula

fido

what does paul inces mum make for christmas

turkey - with all the trimmings, its what paul likes. (the punch line is Ince pies - but i dont know what an ince is and how it would taste)

Where did Napolean keep his armies?

Well, they were based in France, of course, but in pursuit of Empire at various times they occupied or fought in Italy, Germany, Spain, Holland, Austria and even Egypt.

excellent!

Why did the one-armed man cross the road?

After spending years living away from the mainstream, ashamed of his disability and unable to lift the heavier boxes of washing powder in sainsburys, he decided that he shouldn't hide away because, hey, he's human too, and they sell those handy small pack of Ariel now. He crossed the road to reach the supermarket, and unwittingly to get run over by some drugged up carnival workers drunk on vodka and imitation red bull.

What has teeth but can't bite?

A man who has been unfortunately paralysed following a canoeing accident.

(real answer = "a comb", just for the record)

What do you get if you pour boiling water into a rabbit hole?

A visit from the RSPCA who will imply you were stunning the rabbits to use them for your sexual games... resulting in a criminal conviction.

Q Where are the Andes?

A One of the great natural features of the globe, the Andes extend north-south about 5,500 mi (8,850 km) in W S America. They run parallel to the Caribbean coast in Venezuela before turning southwest and entering Colombia. There they form three distinct massifs: the Cordilleras Oriental, Central, and Occidental. In Ecuador they form two parallel cordilleras, one facing the Pacific and the other descending toward the Amazon basin. These ranges continue southward into Peru; the highest Peruvian peak is Mt. Huascarán, at 22,205 ft (6,768 m), in the Cordillera Blanca. In Bolivia, the Andes again form two distinct regions; between them lies the Altiplano. Along the Chile-Argentina border, they form a complex chain that includes their highest peak, Mt. Aconcagua. In S Chile part of the cordillera descends beneath the sea, forming innumerable islands. The Andes are studded with numerous volcanoes that form part of the Ring of Fire. They also are the source of many rivers, incl. the Orinoco, Amazon, and Pilcomayo.

Why wasn't Christ born in Liverpool?
Because at the time, there was no such area as Liverpool. Also, the Holy Land is clearly stated to be in the Middle East, and so the birth of our Saviour in Northern England would have been ridiculous.