dear fourteen year old me

so guess what, you live in new york city now. and the president lives in new york too. and everyone hates him.
video games got super awesome but you have no time to play them.
also you hurt all over. i hate you for being so cavalier with your body.
in general, be nicer to everyone. none of us know what we're doing.

We've done this tho right

My name is not Susan.

Dear 14 year old me

Porn in your pocket. Seriously. No, actual videos. The how doesn't matter, keep the faith buck. See ya round.

lol darragh :)

'cause I've got porno in my pocket.
And the other one is giving a high five.

dear fourteen year old me,
your life works out okay; the anxiety never goes away.

Your twenties will be a trainwreck and your thirties haven't stopped feeling strange, and the world is on fire right now, but you do eventually get to be a dyke without being ostracized for it.

dear fourteen year old me,

in a couple years, you will come across a site called ilxor.com

close the tab, and don't look back

Dear 14-year-old me,
1. You have the emotional maturity of a baby duckling and will imprint on (ie fall in love with) with any girl willing to kiss you. GET A FUCKING GRIP.
2. Get out of Mississippi at the earliest opportunity, meaning right after college since that'll be on the VA dime. Do NOT marry or get otherwise entangled with any human being that will create further ties between you and this part of the country.
3. When you have those "gotta get rid of all this stuff" fits, put it in storage, don't sell it or toss it. You'll want it back in middle age.
4. Get a grip on your diet. Diabetes is no fucking fun.

just cos you've got the energy for ten paper-rounds, and took the payment from an undelivered burnt pile of weekly advertisers in the woods - it doesn't strictly mean your going to be the next fucking Branson - my 15 yr old version of gangsta rap ennui!

https://img1.etsystatic.com/070/0/11426464/il_570xN.805355923_p67m.jpg

dear 14 year old me

crazy people despite being temporarily interesting, are not to be trusted as friends or lovers

hey,

no really, get a career you can stomach; you're going to need the money.

Dear idiot,

You will be drunk and miserable and lonely and have no money for years, but decades later you get to have your own record store! But you will still have no money.

hey,

acid really is as fun as it sounds

dude,

wrap it up

Some of these are "dear 38-year-old me"

dear fourteen your old,

you're flipping out man! this is a message from yourself in the future! am i real or are you real? if it's tough to tell, maybe neither one of us is real. maybe you're dead! you're probably dead! good luck

that can go out to any 14-year-old i guess

lol flopson + KM

Dear 14-year-old me:
1) I know you hate exercise, but find something you can tolerate. The sooner you develop the habit, the better.
2) IRA: It's not just short for the Irish Republican Army. To put it in a nutshell, there's no such thing as too much money for retirement.
3) When you get to university, cultivate the college radio guys. This period will (have) coincide(d) with a golden age of music.
4) I know you like books, but if you can earn a degree in something more sciencey, your earning potential will be so much better.

just FYI, 30+ years later you will still not have figured this shit out

You're awesome right now, all your major mistakes are in the future

Dear 14-year old me:

You're fine, but you will never be the cool one everybody wants to be like, so concentrate on what is within reach. Sure, you're confused and anxious, but keep plowing ahead and do the best you know how and it will all work out. Trust me, because that won't be obvious for a very long time. Try to do what makes you happy, because even when you fail, at least you're failing at something worth the effort.

Dear 14 year-old me,

You live past 40.

Mom and Dad will still kinda treat you the same.

They live in the same stupid house.

The TV is even bigger and it's on even more of the time than it is now.

Fortunately you no longer live with them.

You know how the last thing in the world you want is to become like Mom?

You will meet so many other people who are way worse than Mom, that you want even less to turn out like.

You know that guy you have a crush on?

You lose interest.

You end up with another guy who is kinda like that guy but better.

You get bored of him, but stay with him because you do something cool together.

Eventually you break up with him because you deserve better.

You do cool things without him.

You kinda turn into Mom, but a weird cool version of Mom that doesn't live in that stupid house in that stupid town.

It gets better.

Even Mom gets better.

It'll get worse eventually

Everyone dies alone.

You stay you.

oh and p.s. - tell Mom and Dad to buy more Apple stock

hey dude,

the cool kids aren't really that cool. have faith. you will find your people.

Who dares wins, or, to quote Beavis and Butthead, "Just . . try! Just . . . try!"

save all those pogs theyll be really fucken valuable in 2017

When you're done getting over the porn thing, and no rush there I mean I'm still kinda processing it myself, write this down:

Don't go to college. Get the govt job as young as possible. The pay, opportunities, sex and training are all better and the drinking isn't limited to a mere five days

dear fourteen kid,

it's me, a future voice that wants to talk about pogs and what you should do with them. am i another version of the voice from before, still talking about pogs? or am an independent voice that also happens to talk about pogs? either way, i'm here to talk about pogs, and also what you should do with them. as a younger person, you have more pog opportunities remaining than we do - many more. it's important that you take advantage of them and "flip" those pogs for wealth and prestige!

tell me every single detail about all these pogs, 14 kid. all the details. about ALL of them.

give me your best pog, 14 kid. give me your best 3 pogs.

Sick of ur pogbs tbh

Hey 14 year old Veg

1. Don't limit your dreams just because you're afraid of Mum. She chills out, I promise.
2. It's okay to fail. Dream big, as big as you can.
3. The girls that are ruining your life right now are zeroes. You're about to find some super awesome friends that will get you through this. Trust me.
4. Don't hide. You're beautiful, smart, and people deserve to know what you think.
5. Seriously. Don't be scared of Mum. And no matter what she says when she's angry, it's not true. She loves you.
6. Go easy on Dad. He's the kindest man you'll ever know.
7. Don't hang out with Cheryl on summer vacation this year. And don't kiss stupid Ross with braces. It's a waste of time. You can do better.

*spits in face*

later, chomsky-honk

ps tony kills chris

Oh fuck u

Get out of that boys' school now and transfer to that co-ed yr best friend went to, now.

NOW

Dear 14-year old me:

Ska-punk, eh? You'll look back and laugh.

You're only going to apply to one liberal arts college and won't be able to afford it. Screw that, turns out you'd have been miserable there anyway. You can work slightly harder than seems likely and get scholarships to good state schools. Do that. Actually get a degree. Don't stop caring because no one in your family understands paying for college or seems willing to help you figure it out.

Drugs and alcohol, you're going to start doing them pretty soon. Cocaine: fun but bad. Ecstasy: incredibly fun, not that bad for you, try to keep it rare. Weed: wait until you're older, shit gets much better and cheaper. Psychedelics: do them with one or two people you really like. Booze: turns out you have a weak stomach but learn this lesson slowly. Get used to puking even before people think you're drunk every now and then.

You hate cigarettes because mom and dad smoke and it sucks - stick with that. No matter how good menthol and ecstasy go together.

Debate is useless, start taking art classes. Journalism is fun, stick with that but don't be an asshole and actually work.

Don't take German next year - Spanish is useful, take three years and you don't have to take it in college if you don't want to.

Never work in a restaurant or bar - but if you don't tip incredibly well for the rest of your life anyway, I will go back in time and punch you.

Enjoy Liverpool winning the league again this year, it won't happen again

As bad as things are now - and yes they are really bad - the next few years are the calm before the storm. In three years time you'll wig the fuck out and it won't stop until you're an unemployable wreck in your early thirties.

dear fourteen year old Neanderthal,

Stop masturbating

Reply from fourteen year old Neanderthal,

"You're one to talk"

Maybe because I've been playing Telltale's Back to the Future game, every time I try to think about this, I worry about how I'll warp my timeline.

i'd just really give myself answers to all the tests I failed in school

Dear 14-year-old me,

I don't remember you so good, so if I say something that blatantly doesn't apply to you, please excuse me.

The rat-tail is not a good look.

You are not nearly as much of a sick fuck as you think you are right now.

Pink Floyd RULES.

You go through some rough times. You should probably know right now that you're at the very least not going to kill yourself before age 40.

The Simpsons is still making new episodes. Nobody watches it anymore, though. Bill Cosby, on the other hand, is a scumbag serial rapist.

The whole world isn't exactly like New Jersey. On the whole, this is a good thing.

Don't go to college. Get the govt job as young as possible. The pay, opportunities, sex and training are all better and the drinking isn't limited to a mere five days

Location must matter. The people I see in government here in London look uniformly grey, down-trodden and depressed, hanging on grimly for their long-promised index-linked pensions.