The Missionary Position

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How has this become a byword for boring/routine sex? Is it the N0r@h J0n3s of sexual positions? Isn't it a bit selfish to tut-tut at bad sex when so many people aren't getting ANY?

― Tom (Groke), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 10:56 (twenty-one years ago) link

I've always wondered why the Missionary Position is called the Missionary Position but been too embarrased to ask. This would seem like a good time to do so.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 10:59 (twenty-one years ago) link

Regardless of that, my theory is it probably suits you if you are incredibly lazy.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 11:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

There's nothing wrong with the missionary position - especially variations thereof like 'The Cat'.

― Lara (Lara), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 11:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

The term derives from Christian missionaries' supposed advocacy of this position over other copulatory positions.

― Lara (Lara), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 11:03 (twenty-one years ago) link

When lexicographers go WILD!

― Jerry the Nipper (Jerrynipper), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 11:05 (twenty-one years ago) link

It's called the Missionary Position because it was introduced to "evil" "heathen" tribes who did it in unusual ways by missionaries who Hated Fun, along with other fun-killers such as CLOTHES and Christianity along with the "conversion" process.

It's refered to as vanilla sex because it's not particularly enjoyable for the female, i.e. she is trapped, helpless beneath thrusting male, unable to utilise her own hip-swivelling fun. Obv, I'm not particularly a big fan, esp. with the skinny-hipped DDB's who leave my thighs looking like a boxer's face after a particularly energetic bout - buttocks are padded for a reason, boys! Use them! But it can be OK occasionally, esp. if the man is nervous and/or hesitant, as it seems to work for boys.

― kate, Tuesday, 25 February 2003 11:05 (twenty-one years ago) link

It's been 30 seconds since I posted that and Dan has said NOTHING. Hey! What's WRONG?!?!? I'm not sure I like this kinder, gentler new ILE!

― kate, Tuesday, 25 February 2003 11:11 (twenty-one years ago) link

It's refered to as vanilla sex because it's not particularly enjoyable for the female, i.e. she is trapped, helpless beneath thrusting male, unable to utilise her own hip-swivelling fun

I love the feeling of my partner's body pressing down on mine. And I would only feel trapped if I asked him to hold me down hard or something (and this would be a good trapped). Hip-swiveling is still possible as well as muscle control. Don't you like the feeling of wrapping your legs around your partner's back?

I am thin and the people I sleep with are thin but I've had no trouble with bruising. You've just got to wriggle about until it feels good, surely?

― Lara (Lara), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 11:15 (twenty-one years ago) link

the missionary position is rubbish. i would very almost rather go without..

― electric sound of jim (electricsound), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 11:18 (twenty-one years ago) link

Missionary = crap. 69 and lazy blerk position are the future!

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 11:27 (twenty-one years ago) link

"People who say the missionary position is crap aren't doing it right."

Would this be an unfair thing to say? Would it seem less unfair if "the missionary position" was replaced by "69ing", say?

Also - has it become a 'default' setting? When you had hetero sex for the first time was it in the m.p.?

(This sort of constant questioning is why I don't usually start sex threads!)

― Tom (Groke), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 11:31 (twenty-one years ago) link

"People who say the missionary position is crap aren't doing it right."

this might be true in some cases but i think it's largely piffle. aside from anything else it's all personal preference. i hate missionary because it feels awkward and wrong, plus i hate being in a dominant position..

― electric sound of jim (electricsound), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 11:33 (twenty-one years ago) link

Are we all working from the same definition i.e woman and man lie facing each with the man on the top??

― Lara (Lara), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 11:35 (twenty-one years ago) link

i assume so

― electric sound of jim (electricsound), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 11:36 (twenty-one years ago) link

plus i hate being in a dominant position..

Now I'm beginning to understand - this position can put more of a focus on the chap's performance. That is why I would tend not to adopt this position with an inexperienced lover. Then it could be less than thrilling, especially if he didn't have great rhythm or staying power.

― Lara (Lara), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 11:37 (twenty-one years ago) link

I dunno, I don't mind it... but then again thats because when I'm not on top I make up for it with ummm... some rather hip-cracking leg gymnastics. I spose it isnt really missionary then, is it? Just cause a gal is on the bottom doesnt mean she can't get into the groove so to speak.

(plus, I'm lazy, its easier to lie back and get all the attention! ;P)

― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 11:39 (twenty-one years ago) link

Woman on top=not missionary? Count me as anti-it then

― Andrew Thames (Andrew Thames), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 11:39 (twenty-one years ago) link

69 = also CRAP. You can't concentrate on giving or receiving properly.

Default position for sex, "naturally", actually = doggy style. Look at every other type of primate. Maybe this just arises (heh) out of my love of spooning.

Yes, the first time for me was missionary, and maybe that's why I hate it, and maybe that's why the sense of being "trapped". I hate it unless the guy is very beautiful and I want to look at him, or I'm v. comfortable with him, which is quite rare.

I bruise very easily, I always have. Missionary position also sucks if there is a height/size difference between partners. My last two BF's have been smaller than me, and this is v. problematic.

It's also a control issue. I don't like woman on top if I'm bigger and I feel like I'm going to crush the boy. Side by side = much better.

― kate, Tuesday, 25 February 2003 11:42 (twenty-one years ago) link

What is lazy blerk position? I have an idea, but it is best for all that I do not describe.

― Dave B (daveb), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 11:43 (twenty-one years ago) link

Actually come to think of it... sticking to any one position during a whole shag=crap. No matter which one it is. Liven it up, I say. Theres nothing like those sore thighs the next day ...errm I think I've said too much now.

― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 11:44 (twenty-one years ago) link

That's what I'm saying!!! Missionary just means that you face your partner and he's on top - leg gymnastics, muscle clenching, hip wriggling do not change this. So it is really missionary and IT CAN BE FUCKING AMAZING!

― Lara (Lara), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 11:45 (twenty-one years ago) link

Thanks Lara, I was beginning to feel like a bit of a sex nerd :/

Yeah, what Lara said.

― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 11:46 (twenty-one years ago) link

Trayce's right again. Moving about is good but not too much *i.e at three minute intervals) and please don't change position once you've just got a good rhythm going!

― Lara (Lara), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 11:46 (twenty-one years ago) link

eh, i don't remember what it's like anyway so you can safely ignore me

― electric sound of jim (electricsound), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 11:47 (twenty-one years ago) link

(at least this thread's popularity might kill the norah jones one. go for it)

― Alan (Alan), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 11:47 (twenty-one years ago) link

My third qn up top hasn't been touched by anyone I notice.

― Tom (Groke), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 11:48 (twenty-one years ago) link

I was beginning to feel like a bit of a sex nerd :/

Me too but I was refusing to believe it. Sex is brilliant and I refuse to slag off any positions. It's all about variety and lest we forget *cue violins* bodies and closeness.

― Lara (Lara), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 11:49 (twenty-one years ago) link

So is hating the missionary position a bit like hating indie?

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 11:50 (twenty-one years ago) link

Isn't it a bit selfish to tut-tut at bad sex when so many people aren't getting ANY?

I can't see how having an opinion can be deemed selfish, regardless of situation. I can be hungry and hate peas all at the same time - I don't see the difficulty.

― Lara (Lara), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 11:51 (twenty-one years ago) link

It's like hating Top 40, Matt. :)

But Lara there are millions starving who would love those peas etc etc

― Tom (Groke), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 11:52 (twenty-one years ago) link

Tom: I do agree its a bit unfair that "man on top, gal underneath" should be regarded as "vanilla". "Missionary" gives it that vibe because of its, well, its missionary vibe.

IMHO, vanilla sex is any sex where you just go through the motions and it either does nothing, or is just "kinda nice". Thats now how its sposed to be! Its sposed to be fun and sexy and exhausting and intense and spirtitual. When it works right anyway :D To quote someone I've been with recently "wow, so *thats* how its sposed to happen". He seemed genuinely blown away.

Um. No pun intended. Heh.

― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 11:53 (twenty-one years ago) link

Vanilla's nice sometimes. Especially with chocolate.

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 11:54 (twenty-one years ago) link

But Lara there are millions starving who would love those peas etc etc

Still don't see the difficulty - they can have 'em! Why should someone feel guilt? This is madness!

― Lara (Lara), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 11:55 (twenty-one years ago) link

I prefer vanilla to banana.

― Lara (Lara), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 11:55 (twenty-one years ago) link

Bananas on their own are nice sometimes, and with fritters they are great, but banana flavoured things are gross.

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 11:56 (twenty-one years ago) link

Vanilla's nice sometimes. Especially with chocolate.

Fnarr

― Dave B (daveb), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 11:56 (twenty-one years ago) link

I think "kinda nice" sex is good too though! Though I guess if I was single I might not.

I am joking about the peas. It is a big concern of mine though - we live in a society which seems to see sex more and more as a right and I feel for the poor bastards who can't get any. On the other hand a "you're lucky just to be getting it" attitude isn't conducive to fulfilment either.

― Tom (Groke), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 11:56 (twenty-one years ago) link

(PS. Not got time to write a whole email yet today, Lara.)

Peas are ALWAYS minging.

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 11:57 (twenty-one years ago) link

Banana flavoured things are my life! And peas are my favourite veg! Nick you are the anti-me!!!

― Tom (Groke), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 11:57 (twenty-one years ago) link

Give peas a chance.

― Jerry the Nipper (Jerrynipper), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 11:57 (twenty-one years ago) link

My genius is, as yet, untapped. Where's Dan when you need him?

― Lara (Lara), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 11:57 (twenty-one years ago) link

On the other hand a "you're lucky just to be getting it" attitude isn't conducive to fulfilment either.

Damn straight. How does one justify constantly turning it down, despite the fact they know they're not going to really enjoy it?

― electric sound of jim (electricsound), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 11:57 (twenty-one years ago) link

That's why there's chocolate AND vanilla, folks. I have my reasons for disliking it, you obv have yer reasons for enjoying it. I'm not going to pretend to tell you how you should do it, I can just say how it works for me, and try to find a boy who gets off on the same things I do. (I mean, my fave is the spooning thing, he holds you around the waist as you go to sleep, you wake up in the middle of the night with the sticky morning after hornies and you just kinda wiggle together as you are, arms around yer waist feels very secure and nice, and lots of freedom for both parties) I'm not caling you girls boring, I'm just saying that's not for me, and I don't want to feel like a freak for enjoying something that isn't Top-40.

Question three: sheesh, it's been MONTHS since I got any, is it selfish for me to be happy to get it the way I want it when I didn't get any since last year? No, sex with the wrong person, in the wrong way is NOT better than no sex at all. I'd rather be by myself than be with someone who isn't doing it for me.

― kate, Tuesday, 25 February 2003 11:58 (twenty-one years ago) link

Yeah Im a bit biased right now, I'm single and have a great shag-buddy relationship with a best friend, best sex Ive ever had and no complications, so I think I should stop bleating now and go to bed.

― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 11:59 (twenty-one years ago) link

Me and Tom had better not ever meet - matter + anti-matter = BOOM!

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 11:59 (twenty-one years ago) link

I don't like chocolate.

― Lara (Lara), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 12:02 (twenty-one years ago) link

this thread is bringing up bad emotions and i'm outta here

― electric sound of jim (electricsound), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 12:02 (twenty-one years ago) link

Guys, it's only sex. Didn't anyone see The Book Group last week?

― Lara (Lara), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 12:04 (twenty-one years ago) link

My third qn up top

hur hur hur.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 25 February 2003 12:04 (twenty-one years ago) link

Skipping 196 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

glad i could be of some help

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Wednesday, 26 February 2003 12:31 (twenty-one years ago) link

Now it has everything

Nope, it hasn't Reached Rock Bottom yet.

― Madchen (Madchen), Wednesday, 26 February 2003 12:35 (twenty-one years ago) link

Now it has everything

Nope, it hasn't Reached Rock Bottom yet.

I can't really remember. It was years ago and I was on my way back from playgroup.

Will that do?

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Wednesday, 26 February 2003 12:37 (twenty-one years ago) link

well, having a rock bottom is yet another argument for the mish....

― M Matos (M Matos), Wednesday, 26 February 2003 12:41 (twenty-one years ago) link

Famous rock bottoms: Morrissey? Ummm...

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Wednesday, 26 February 2003 12:43 (twenty-one years ago) link

"Rock Bottom" is a great record.

― Andrew Thames (Andrew Thames), Wednesday, 26 February 2003 12:52 (twenty-one years ago) link

Homosexual piss-orgy flavoured icecream?

...

― Andrew (enneff), Wednesday, 26 February 2003 12:56 (twenty-one years ago) link

Surely that's rock bottom?

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Wednesday, 26 February 2003 12:59 (twenty-one years ago) link

i just bought some fruit gums (nestle, but what can you do). Going against the law of sweet nostalgia, these things are MUCH bigger then i remember. they were smaller, not so "tall" with rounded sides (tho obv round from "above" which is different). These new kids are taller with flat sides. they're still much the same with gum/tooth havoc causing.

― Alan (Alan), Wednesday, 26 February 2003 13:25 (twenty-one years ago) link

they are also not as hard as they used to be. You really had to suck them to get them to soften in the old days.

(puns not really intended, but what can you do?)

― Ed (dali), Wednesday, 26 February 2003 13:28 (twenty-one years ago) link

what can you do but nestle? = great title for a song

― mark s (mark s), Wednesday, 26 February 2003 13:28 (twenty-one years ago) link

ts: fruit gums shaped like gums vs fruit gums shaped like fruits

― mark s (mark s), Wednesday, 26 February 2003 13:29 (twenty-one years ago) link

ed, possibly we are better suckers than we were.

― Alan (Alan), Wednesday, 26 February 2003 13:31 (twenty-one years ago) link

they are also less shiny.

YOu can recreate the good old days by buying fruit gums from a particularly cold sweet shop.

― Ed (dali), Wednesday, 26 February 2003 13:32 (twenty-one years ago) link

shininess. u r rite.

― Alan (Alan), Wednesday, 26 February 2003 13:34 (twenty-one years ago) link

The lioness looks v. bored. And why are they doing it doggy style? I mean, they are CATS for god's sake. How embarassing!

I lost my virginity in the m.p. It's only gotten better since.

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Wednesday, 26 February 2003 13:55 (twenty-one years ago) link

A finger of fudge is just enough to give your kids a treat

This thread has reached child bottom.

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 26 February 2003 13:55 (twenty-one years ago) link

And is currently groping.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 26 February 2003 13:56 (twenty-one years ago) link

Surely that's rock bottom?
-- Jody Beth Rosen (edito...), February 26th, 2003.

http://swc.sports-gaming.com/wm2002/images/WM4.jpg

― ken, Wednesday, 26 February 2003 15:10 (twenty-one years ago) link

when you feel like you've had it up to here, and you're mad enough to scream, but you're sad enough to tear... that's rock bottom.

― g-kit (g-kit), Wednesday, 26 February 2003 15:26 (twenty-one years ago) link

The above picture does not show Rock Bottom, it shows Stone-Cold Steve Austin Bottom.

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 26 February 2003 18:32 (twenty-one years ago) link

It's about to be a Rock Bottom though isn't it? A proto Rock Bottom?

Realises that have let ILE world know I have some acquaintance with sports-entertainment

― Dave B (daveb), Wednesday, 26 February 2003 18:45 (twenty-one years ago) link

It's about to hit Rock Penis.

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 26 February 2003 19:35 (twenty-one years ago) link

It's a spunky thread. It's got a way to go yet.

― Lara (Lara), Wednesday, 26 February 2003 19:38 (twenty-one years ago) link

that's a rock bottom alright, not as showy as the people's elbow.

― Ed (dali), Wednesday, 26 February 2003 20:41 (twenty-one years ago) link

old-fashioned boiled sweets

I've always wondered what these were.

Getting back to the subject*, is the man-stands-between-woman's-legs position still considered missionary?

*Whatever it is. There was an original subject, right? We didn't suddenly start talking about candy, lions fucking, and Kate for no reason, right?

― Christine "Green Leafy Dragon" Indigo (cindigo), Thursday, 27 February 2003 02:13 (twenty-one years ago) link

I don't see how that could possibly be considered the missionary position.

― N. (nickdastoor), Thursday, 27 February 2003 02:25 (twenty-one years ago) link

I'm trying to work out what the woman is doing while the man is standing between her legs. Is she lying down? Standing up? Washing the dishes? Doing the hoovering? Fixing a car?

― Trayce (trayce), Thursday, 27 February 2003 02:42 (twenty-one years ago) link

"Rock Bottom" is a great record.

er...

tired of friction, tired of wishin
tired of doing it only in the missionary position

― g*bbneb (gabbneb), Thursday, 27 February 2003 05:59 (twenty-one years ago) link

well, have you guys and girls tried the italian chandelier? did your muscles survive the ordeal?

― nathalie (nathalie), Thursday, 27 February 2003 09:28 (twenty-one years ago) link

tired of friction, tired of wishin
tired of doing it only in the missionary position

this made me laugh, even though i am sad. thanks.
(wrong song, tho...)

― g-kit (g-kit), Thursday, 27 February 2003 10:56 (twenty-one years ago) link

I don't think it has a title track, anyway. It's by Robert Wyatt, I thought it might be redundant to say

― Andrew Thames (Andrew Thames), Thursday, 27 February 2003 11:23 (twenty-one years ago) link

zuh. i got confused, fuckhead that i am. ignore me.

― g-kit (g-kit), Thursday, 27 February 2003 11:31 (twenty-one years ago) link

I'm trying to work out what the woman is doing while the man is standing between her legs. Is she lying down?

Lying down on a bed or other flat surface. It's my husbands' and my favorite position.

― Christine "Green Leafy Dragon" Indigo (cindigo), Thursday, 27 February 2003 13:04 (twenty-one years ago) link

There are a lot of variations to the MP so don't knock it. Also, it is also a good position to be in if you want to pull out and splat on the bird's belly.

― Enormous Genitals, Thursday, 27 February 2003 13:08 (twenty-one years ago) link

welcome to the too much information thread.

― g-kit (g-kit), Thursday, 27 February 2003 13:19 (twenty-one years ago) link

EG, you are a disgrace to our people.

― Ivor Biggun, Thursday, 27 February 2003 13:35 (twenty-one years ago) link

There are a lot of variations to the MP so don't knock it. Also, it is also a good position to be in if you want to pull out and splat on the bird's belly.

That would be rock bottom, right?

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Thursday, 27 February 2003 14:29 (twenty-one years ago) link

Yup.

― Lara (Lara), Thursday, 27 February 2003 14:36 (twenty-one years ago) link

nine months pass...

Re-reading this thread has made my stomach hurt with laughter.

― Dave B (daveb), Friday, 28 November 2003 14:20 (twenty years ago) link

variations of it rock!

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Friday, 28 November 2003 14:30 (twenty years ago) link

Dave this thread had one of the most perfect endings of any ILE thread ever! You wrecker!

― Tico Tico (Tico Tico), Friday, 28 November 2003 14:41 (twenty years ago) link

this thread has made re-think how much it's wise to reveal on ile. the other week i admitted to owning the charlatans' best of and i'm still feeling exposed.

― enrique (Enrique), Friday, 28 November 2003 14:43 (twenty years ago) link

Feel free to delete my post. And this one, obv.

― Dave B (daveb), Friday, 28 November 2003 14:54 (twenty years ago) link

How about the next one?

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Friday, 28 November 2003 15:00 (twenty years ago) link

delete all these new posts and lock the thread!

― stevem (blueski), Friday, 28 November 2003 15:02 (twenty years ago) link

Agreed.

― Dave B (daveb), Friday, 28 November 2003 15:03 (twenty years ago) link

yeah!

― enrique (Enrique), Friday, 28 November 2003 15:04 (twenty years ago) link

Agreed!

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Friday, 28 November 2003 15:07 (twenty years ago) link

I no longer have the power!

― Tico Tico (Tico Tico), Friday, 28 November 2003 15:10 (twenty years ago) link

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