Weird Lyrics from Popular Xmas Songs...

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I don't mean "All I want for Christmas is a Hippopotomus," though I agree it's a bit weird. That whole song sounds like it was sung by one of Santa's elves.

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Friday, 5 December 2003 21:11 (twenty years ago) link

A lot of Christmas songs are really depressing and about how someone gone done someone wrong or they gone off to war or something and the person singing it is like all "Oh I wish you were here as my heart is broken now and it's Christmas and FUCK THAT" and also why did people's grandmas ever get run over by reindeer?

― Allyzay, Friday, 5 December 2003 21:13 (twenty years ago) link

I've been listening to this radio station that plays only Christmas music the entire month of December...

Ok, It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year includes the line "there'll be scary ghost stories..." - Who tells ghost stories at Christmas?

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Friday, 5 December 2003 21:15 (twenty years ago) link

My mom.

― Allyzay, Friday, 5 December 2003 21:16 (twenty years ago) link

Goths, probably.

― El Diablo Robotico (Nicole), Friday, 5 December 2003 21:16 (twenty years ago) link

http://www.lair2000.net/night4/jack/1jack.jpg

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 5 December 2003 21:17 (twenty years ago) link

My Favorite Things includes the line "Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles."

Schnitzel with noodles? What is schnitzel and can I eat it?

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Friday, 5 December 2003 21:18 (twenty years ago) link

Is it a small dog?

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Friday, 5 December 2003 21:20 (twenty years ago) link

It's veal, Sarah, so technically yes but I don't think you'd be very happy about it.

― Bryan (Bryan), Friday, 5 December 2003 21:20 (twenty years ago) link

"I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" is the most disturbing song ever.

Firstly:
Then, I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus
Underneath his beard so snowy white;

Tickle him, huh? TICKLE him?

Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If Daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night.

Nothing quite like a bloody brawl on Christmas.

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Friday, 5 December 2003 21:22 (twenty years ago) link

Deck the Halls -- "Don we now our gay apparel" -- Um, like, strap-ons? That's gay apparel.

― Jeanne Fury (Jeanne Fury), Friday, 5 December 2003 21:26 (twenty years ago) link

Fa la la la la la la la la

― Jeanne Fury (Jeanne Fury), Friday, 5 December 2003 21:27 (twenty years ago) link

"I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" -- Yeah, the kid in the song is way too cheerful about the prospect of the mother cheating on the father with an overweight elf.

― El Diablo Robotico (Nicole), Friday, 5 December 2003 21:27 (twenty years ago) link

http://www.kepplerassociates.com/images/simmons.jpg

― Allyzay, Friday, 5 December 2003 21:27 (twenty years ago) link

ARGH

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 5 December 2003 21:28 (twenty years ago) link

In "Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree" does she actually say "Everyone's dancing merrily/In the new old-fashioned way"? Cos if she does that's nonsense.

― Allyzay, Friday, 5 December 2003 21:29 (twenty years ago) link

We all know that "Santa" is actually Daddy in that song, right?

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Friday, 5 December 2003 21:29 (twenty years ago) link

But the kid doesn't.

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Friday, 5 December 2003 21:29 (twenty years ago) link

Dan, you are ruining the mystery of Xmas -- the true meaning of when white-bearded men make husbands cuckolds throughout the world.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 5 December 2003 21:30 (twenty years ago) link

Yes, but the kid in the song is supposed to be oblivious to this.

x-post

― El Diablo Robotico (Nicole), Friday, 5 December 2003 21:30 (twenty years ago) link

Yeah, that's kind of like the quandry presented by the television program Jem, popular in the '80s. Jerica was Jem's "real person" alter ego, so Jerica and Jem were the same person. HOWEVER this was unknown to everyone else, including Jerica's boyfriend, Rio. Rio was also Jem's boyfriend, however! So while he was technically not cheating, in his mind he totally was!

― Allyzay, Friday, 5 December 2003 21:31 (twenty years ago) link

Yep, that's what she says, Ally. It's like post retro... or something...

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Friday, 5 December 2003 21:31 (twenty years ago) link

It's totally fucking disgusting if you think about. See also: Sailor Moon/Tuxedo Mask.

― Allyzay, Friday, 5 December 2003 21:31 (twenty years ago) link

EXACTLY! (x post)

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Friday, 5 December 2003 21:32 (twenty years ago) link

RuPaul has one called I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus. Who is Santa there, then?

― kirsten (kirsten), Friday, 5 December 2003 21:32 (twenty years ago) link

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night
They didn't hear me creep
Down the stairs to have a peep
Mommy naked on her knees
And Santa thrusting deep

Then I saw Mommy pegging Santa Claus
Whipping him and shitting on his face
My jawbone hit the floor
My poor mind shrieked "NO MORE!!!!"
And now I gibber staring into space...

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Friday, 5 December 2003 21:33 (twenty years ago) link

Dan, you're going to hell.

― El Diablo Robotico (Nicole), Friday, 5 December 2003 21:35 (twenty years ago) link

Hell ain't a bad place to be.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 5 December 2003 21:36 (twenty years ago) link

I'm working on a followup song: "I Saw Mommy Taking Santa Up To The Elbow (And Now I Am Blind)".

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Friday, 5 December 2003 21:36 (twenty years ago) link

I'm too busy being disgusted by the moral ineptitude of cartoon writers to be disgusted by Dan.

― Allyzay, Friday, 5 December 2003 21:37 (twenty years ago) link

Aw.

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Friday, 5 December 2003 21:38 (twenty years ago) link

What cartoon writers?

― El Diablo Robotico (Nicole), Friday, 5 December 2003 21:38 (twenty years ago) link

Don't worry, in about 30 minutes I'll be horrified by you!

― Allyzay, Friday, 5 December 2003 21:39 (twenty years ago) link

The third song is called "Eggnog (Is Mommy's Safeword)".

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Friday, 5 December 2003 21:42 (twenty years ago) link

The cartoon writers from Jem and Sailor Moon! They're obviously men in cahoots with each other to convince girls to forgive their cheating boyfriends. I SAY NO. I'm never watching cartoons again, they have foresaken me.

― Allyzay, Friday, 5 December 2003 21:43 (twenty years ago) link

http://bertola.eu.org/img/mh-lupin.jpg

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Friday, 5 December 2003 21:44 (twenty years ago) link

They're all so bowlegged on Lupin, what is that about?

― Allyzay, Friday, 5 December 2003 21:44 (twenty years ago) link

I think I know!

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Friday, 5 December 2003 21:45 (twenty years ago) link

I thought the point of Sailor Moon was to convince girls to go lesbian?

― El Diablo Robotico (Nicole), Friday, 5 December 2003 21:45 (twenty years ago) link

Also Dan the eggnog song should be about something entirely different than "safewords" in my mind at least.

― Allyzay, Friday, 5 December 2003 21:46 (twenty years ago) link

arrgh xpost Dan I am now horrified.

― Allyzay, Friday, 5 December 2003 21:46 (twenty years ago) link

"Christmas Cheer (Is White And Sticky)"

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Friday, 5 December 2003 21:51 (twenty years ago) link

That is sung by Momus non?

― Allyzay, Friday, 5 December 2003 21:52 (twenty years ago) link

"That's Not Bukakke! (That's Spilt Eggnog!)"?

― Kingfish Beestick (Kingfish), Friday, 5 December 2003 21:56 (twenty years ago) link

"spilling eggnog" = worst euphemism ever

― Curt1s St3ph3ns, Friday, 5 December 2003 21:57 (twenty years ago) link

"Onan's Christmas Message to the Children"

― Kingfish Beestick (Kingfish), Friday, 5 December 2003 21:58 (twenty years ago) link

This makes me want eggnog real bad!

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Friday, 5 December 2003 21:58 (twenty years ago) link

I'd just like to say that I hate all of the online English -> Japanese translators.

That is all.

(xpost: DAMN SARAH!!!)

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Friday, 5 December 2003 21:58 (twenty years ago) link

Me too, Sarah. Me too.

― Allyzay, Friday, 5 December 2003 21:59 (twenty years ago) link

Whoops.

― TOMBOT, Friday, 5 December 2003 22:01 (twenty years ago) link

Haha! RESULT

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Friday, 5 December 2003 22:02 (twenty years ago) link

(although it seems that eggnog has inadvertently been ruined for this year)

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Friday, 5 December 2003 22:05 (twenty years ago) link

T/S: McDonalds Eggnog or Shamrock Shakes?

― Kingfish Beestick (Kingfish), Friday, 5 December 2003 22:07 (twenty years ago) link

I just asked the same question about "scary ghost stories," and my co-worker came up with Dickens' Christmas Carol.

― Matt B. (Matt B.), Friday, 5 December 2003 22:11 (twenty years ago) link

"...and when they looked on the side of the Baby Jesus's manger, THEY FOUND A BLOODY HOOK!"

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Friday, 5 December 2003 22:13 (twenty years ago) link

Yeah, I was thinking about Jesus too, but I didn't feel right saying it. It is a fucking scary ghost story, no two ways about it.

― Matt B. (Matt B.), Friday, 5 December 2003 22:23 (twenty years ago) link

Christmas time
Mistletoe and wine
Let's go outside
And kick a fucking pig

― William Bloody Swygart (mrswygart), Friday, 5 December 2003 22:31 (twenty years ago) link

It's all about the figgy pudding.

― andy, Friday, 5 December 2003 22:39 (twenty years ago) link

And not the piggy pegging?

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 5 December 2003 22:41 (twenty years ago) link

and what about Peg? where does she fit in?

― Kingfish Beestick (Kingfish), Friday, 5 December 2003 22:46 (twenty years ago) link

You mean Puddy figging?

― Tep (ktepi), Friday, 5 December 2003 22:46 (twenty years ago) link

oh god, i'm not clicking on THAT at work...

― Kingfish Beestick (Kingfish), Friday, 5 December 2003 22:50 (twenty years ago) link

First one's perfectly worksafe; second one is just text (well, there's a picture of a flogger in the lefthand margin).

― Tep (ktepi), Friday, 5 December 2003 23:05 (twenty years ago) link

(But it's not funny or anything, it was just in case there were folks who didn't know who Puddy was, or what figging is :))

― Tep (ktepi), Friday, 5 December 2003 23:06 (twenty years ago) link

I love how this thread got totally Dan-ified within several posts. Wahey!

― Trayce (trayce), Saturday, 6 December 2003 00:30 (twenty years ago) link

Who better to put the X in Xmas?

― j.lu (j.lu), Saturday, 6 December 2003 00:57 (twenty years ago) link

What, no more jokes involving eggnog? We need to repeat it at least ten more times to make it official, right?

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Saturday, 6 December 2003 01:13 (twenty years ago) link

I think if you repeat it ten more times in a dark bathroom, Santa appears and spreads his cheer on you.

― Tep (ktepi), Saturday, 6 December 2003 01:42 (twenty years ago) link

Thank you. I shall never sleep again.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Saturday, 6 December 2003 01:47 (twenty years ago) link

I just doubled your productivity! You're welcome! :)

― Tep (ktepi), Saturday, 6 December 2003 01:48 (twenty years ago) link

"All the kids and girls in boyland," from Santa Claus Is Coming to Town. Actually, that whole song is pretty messed up. I'd love to hear a really sinister, gothic version of it... Of course, a few years ago I came across a singing toy Christmas tree called Douglas Fir that sang Santa Claus Is Coming to Town in a really deep, mechanically gritty voice. I half expected him to start singing, "Douglas Fir is coming...for your SOUL!!!" Sinister.

― Prude (Prude), Saturday, 6 December 2003 02:42 (twenty years ago) link

http://www.horror-wood.com/Santmar2.jpg

― kephm, Saturday, 6 December 2003 07:03 (twenty years ago) link

http://www.city.okaya.nagano.jp/oiea/oiea_news/xmas02.jpg

― kephm, Saturday, 6 December 2003 07:08 (twenty years ago) link

http://www.findadeath.com/funstuff/santa/scary_small.jpg

― kephmas, Saturday, 6 December 2003 07:12 (twenty years ago) link

!!!!!

― Prude (Prude), Saturday, 6 December 2003 07:18 (twenty years ago) link

Get Back on Topic! This is very serious stuff!

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Saturday, 6 December 2003 14:57 (twenty years ago) link

Roy Wood! Listen to me! THE SNOWMAN DOES NOT BRING THE SNOW.

― MarkH (MarkH), Saturday, 6 December 2003 14:59 (twenty years ago) link

Sort of beyond weird, really, into the realms of deranged, sick:

But say a prayer
Pray for the other ones
At Christmas time it's hard
But when you're having fun
There's a world outside your window
And it's a world of dread and fear
Where the only water flowing
Is the bitter sting of tears
And the Christmas bells that ring
There are the clanging chimes of doom
Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you

― Oliver Craner, Saturday, 6 December 2003 16:51 (twenty years ago) link

Baby It's Cold Outside (as performed by Dean Martin)

(I really can't stay) But baby it's cold outside
(Got to go away) But baby it's cold outside
(This evening has been) Been hoping you'd drop in
(So very nice) I'll hold your hands they're just like ice
(My mother will start to worry) Beautiful watch you're wearing
(My father will be pacing the floor) Listen to the fireplace roar
(So really I'd better scurry) Beautiful please don't hurry
(Well maybe just half a drink) Put some records on while I pour
(The neighbors might think) Baby it's bad out there
(Say what's in this drink) No cabs to be had out there
(I wish I knew how) Your eyes are like starlight now
(To break this spell) I'll take your hat your hair looks swell
(I ought to say no no) Mind if I move in closer
(At least I'm going to say I tried) What's the sense of hurting my pride
(I really can't stay) Baby don't hold out
Baby it's cold outside

(I simply must go) Baby it's cold outside
(The answer is no) Baby it's cold outside
(The welcome has been) How lucky that you dropped in
(So nice and warm) Look out the window at the storm
(My sister will be suspicious) Gosh your lips look delicious
(My brother will be there at the door) Waves upon a tropical shore
(My maiden aunt's mind is vicious) Gosh your lips are delicious
(But maybe just a cigarette) Never such a blizzard before
(I got to get home) But baby you'd freeze out there
(Say lend me a comb) It's up to your knees out there
(You've really been grand) I thrill when you touch my hand
(But don't you see) How can you do this to me
(There's bound to be talk tomorrow) Think of my life long sorrow
(At least they'll be plenty implied) If you caught pneumonia and died
(I really can't stay) Get over that old doubt
Baby it's cold
Baby it's cold outside

― Bryan (Bryan), Sunday, 7 December 2003 19:41 (twenty years ago) link

Lo! He abhors not the virgin's womb

― colin s barrow (colin s barrow), Sunday, 7 December 2003 21:31 (twenty years ago) link

In Here comes Santa Claus! by Gene Autry and Oakley Haldeman there is a really annoying line:
"Here comes Santa Claus!
Right down Santa Claus Lane!"

That song is recorded by Bob-B-Soxx And The Blue Jeans on the otherwise resplendent A Christmas Gift for You from Phil Spector, as is The Bells of St. Mary, by Douglas Furber and A. Emmett Adams, containing the incomprehensible:
"The Bells of St. Mary, Ah, hear they are calling, The young loves, the true loves, That come from the sea."

Plus Bob-B-Soxx's voice strains on the high notes in Here comes Santa Claus!

― jadrenos (jadrenos), Sunday, 7 December 2003 21:31 (twenty years ago) link

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Monday, 8 December 2003 14:34 (twenty years ago) link

"Bells on bobtails ring" from Jingle Bells. What the fuck? My addled prepubescent mind used to substitute "coctails" for "bobtails," which only makes slightly more sense.

― NA (Nick A.), Monday, 8 December 2003 14:53 (twenty years ago) link

colin, good call on Ye Faithful. I rememeber finding that weird when i was a kid. not to mention difficult to sing - it doesnt scan at all. wtf is with getting children to sing about abhorring a womb?!?!?!

― ambrose (ambrose), Monday, 8 December 2003 15:41 (twenty years ago) link

There's a weird 50s CIA vibe in Santa Claus is coming to town:
"He see you when you're sleeping, He knows when you're awake, He knows if you've been good or bad, So be good for goodness' sake..."

― jadrenos (jadrenos), Monday, 8 December 2003 16:54 (twenty years ago) link

There's many a many mystery behind each closet door
'Cause Christmas, blessed Christmas, is here once more

Sure they're talking about presents...

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 9 December 2003 22:07 (twenty years ago) link

The line "There won't be snow in Africa this Christmas" always pisses off my dad.

― Allyzay, Tuesday, 9 December 2003 22:11 (twenty years ago) link

eleven years pass...

Can't even call a reindeer a 'jingle horse' these days...

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=jingle%20horse

― this is just a saginaw (dog latin), Friday, 19 December 2014 14:20 (nine years ago) link

Jingle horse has always weirded me out, but it's doubtful that it originally referred to reindeer.

― how's life, Friday, 19 December 2014 14:24 (nine years ago) link

jangle pony is preferred

― $80 is absurd and very ridiculous! (Sufjan Grafton), Friday, 19 December 2014 14:39 (nine years ago) link

Anyone else blindsided by this "Italian Christmas Donkey" song? Everyone I work with seems to think it's a universally beloved holiday classic, but I swear I've never heard or even heard of it. Plus it is horrible.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hYlvfX3nwlc

― Adding ease. Adding wonder. Adding (contenderizer), Friday, 19 December 2014 14:48 (nine years ago) link

E'en so here below, below,
Let steeple bells be swungen,
And "Io, io, io!"
By priest and people sungen.
Gloria, Hosanna in excelsis!

Gibberish

― this is just a saginaw (dog latin), Friday, 19 December 2014 14:57 (nine years ago) link

i know no Italian Christmas carols about donkeys. Is there a large Italian contingent in your workplace, contendo?

― this is just a saginaw (dog latin), Friday, 19 December 2014 15:00 (nine years ago) link

"What's in this drink?"

― RAP GAME SHANI DAVIS (Raymond Cummings), Friday, 19 December 2014 15:24 (nine years ago) link

No, just Mainers from Maine. Wikipedia sez it's a UK thing?

In the United Kingdom, the song was used extensively on the BBC Radio 1 morning programme The Chris Moyles Show in reference to Newsbeat newsreader and regular show contributor Dominic Byrne around the Christmas 2011 period. It appeared in the Singles Chart in that country following a campaign by Chris Moyles. In the week leading up to Christmas of 2011, the show hinted at users to download the song from iTunes and Amazon. This led to the song being the #2 song on the British iTunes chart between December 19–25, 2011.[4] The song eventually peaked at #3 on the UK Singles Chart for the week ending December 31, 2011.

Please to curb your donkey.

― Adding ease. Adding wonder. Adding (contenderizer), Friday, 19 December 2014 15:37 (nine years ago) link

went well over my head then. i only know 'little donkey'

― this is just a saginaw (dog latin), Friday, 19 December 2014 15:39 (nine years ago) link

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