"if you can't be with the one you love....."

No, but look, surely it's a bit more kind of fucking serious than that: if they don't know how you feel, then you're messin' with them, no?

But who craves brutal honesty (or intensity)? Or, another thing, one's always more in love than the other, right?

A seriousish-but-not-in-love relationship (meaning something committed that will probably last for a while) seems okay as long as it's understood that that's what it is.

I've never had that whole intense-love thing going, so I may have no idea what I'm talking about. But if you're cynical about Love, it's probably not the best time to pursue it. Meanwhile, should you be a celibate hermit or something? If you're enjoying the relationship and attracted to the guy, it seems reasonable as long as you're being considerate to his emotions about the whole thing. I am probably repeating myself now so I'll just press submit.

It's a decision
made over time
Should you take a risk
and start to climb
the steepest hill
only to find
halfway there
you've been left behind?

Choosing to love
is risking a lot
and trying to change
and to give all you've got
But don't pretend
it comes out of the blue
You take a chance
and see it through
and if it's refused
what can you do?
Continue hopefully?
Start anew?

Lick your wounds
Buy your booze
You won't get drunk by accident
You'll choose
Don't blame him
for refusing your bid
He didn't decide to love
You did

Learn the lesson
Take the blows
You didn't fall in love by chance
You chose
Play the sad songs
Sing the blues
You don't fall in love by chance
You choose

Sam: Please elaborate. Both at once? Or both, alternating?

So what I'm saying is about my relationship history, but maybe it will help you.

I wasted a lot of time in incredibly "passionate" but usually short and often abusive relationships. Because I came to associate "love" with passion (and passion often includes a good dose of hatred) and huge wind-blown emotions and drama, and trauma, and I used to think that love was that state where I felt sick to the bottom of my stomach with fear and obsession. Love was something difficult and hard, a situation to be overcome (and be overcome by). Drama is a very good substitute for passion, and is far more addictive than love.

And then I met someone completely different. During the whole start of the relationship, I kept thinking that it couldn't be real because it was too *easy*.

And in retrospect, I don't think that it even was a case of "meeting The One" (even though maybe it was, because our backgrounds and interests are a lot more similar than anyone I've ever dated) - but more a case of re-evalutating what "Love" is.

Love is not drama and pain dressed up as passion, love is comfort and comfortable.

If you think of love as "settling" then this is not the right relationship for you - because YOU are not ready to accept love for what it is, rather than what you want it or expect it to be.

Can relate, as it can be difficult to explain what you feel, especially to a bunch of strangers. However, you seem to get the idea: if you want to be in a relationship with someone, you have to be prepared to accept them completely for the person they are. In turn, they deserve your complete attention, as you are. If you can't honestly give them that, then don't do it. As hard as it can be, it's worth it to wait.

sailor moonie, i think i'm gonna be leaving notes with that quote around my house too...

um...yeah, i guess i should've made the winky face explicit.

I can't personally accept attempts to define love as being 'x not y' (esp. when y = 'love is comfort and comfortable'). I wish I could just tell myself that anything that causes pain is not love and believe it.

i dunno, i mean it wouldn't be painful if there weren't any feelings of "love", but at the same time, i feel sick thinking i was actually in love with certain people i've been with.

If you think of love as "settling" then this is not the right relationship for you - because YOU are not ready to accept love for what it is, rather than what you want it or expect it to be

So is Kate right or not (with the qualification about "settling" not being the right word)? Surely it's not merely comfort(able), as for most people there is a rather large group of people who would fit said description?