An unemployed Pheasant goes home to his wife to tell her he's got a new job "How much will you bring home?" she asked "Eleven thousand Pounds a year." he replied "Is that Net?" "No, it's Grouse."
so your post your homegrown jokes please.
― Ste (Fuzzy), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:15 (twenty years ago) link
― Rob M (Rob M), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:18 (twenty years ago) link
Q: why did the boy not want to wipe his ass with the newspaper?
A: because he didn't want to catch ADS
― the surface noise (electricsound), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:18 (twenty years ago) link
― Mr Mime (Andrew Thames), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:19 (twenty years ago) link
― mark grout (mark grout), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:19 (twenty years ago) link
And buys...
A GLASS OF MILK!!
(NB this joke made me laugh hysterically at age 17 so much that I was sobbing on the floor and the tutors asked me if I was okay and I could not explain - I think it must have been in the delivery)
― Sarah (starry), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:20 (twenty years ago) link
― winterland, Friday, 5 March 2004 10:43 (twenty years ago) link
In the last couple of years:- What's Hansel and Gretel's favourite band?- ...And you will know us by the trail of bread.
- I shagged a teenager on the train to Glasgow last week.- Virgin?- No, GNER
― Madchen (Madchen), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:49 (twenty years ago) link
― Mr Mime (Andrew Thames), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:51 (twenty years ago) link
― the surface noise (electricsound), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:55 (twenty years ago) link
― mark grout (mark grout), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:59 (twenty years ago) link
― Mr Mime (Andrew Thames), Friday, 5 March 2004 11:01 (twenty years ago) link
― caitlin (caitlin), Friday, 5 March 2004 11:02 (twenty years ago) link
― CharlieNo4 (Charlie), Friday, 5 March 2004 11:04 (twenty years ago) link
― mark grout (mark grout), Friday, 5 March 2004 11:05 (twenty years ago) link
What's got four legs, a trunk, and haunts people?
― caitlin (caitlin), Friday, 5 March 2004 11:06 (twenty years ago) link
Take it to the fridge.
― hmmm, Friday, 5 March 2004 11:59 (twenty years ago) link
― The Huckle-Buck (Horace Mann), Friday, 5 March 2004 15:36 (twenty years ago) link
Q: Which Muppet went straight-edge?A: Fugazi Bear
Now you know why I didn't mention that it was a DIY joke.
― Pleasant Plains (Pleasant Plains), Friday, 5 March 2004 17:26 (twenty years ago) link
"We shall come over!"
― The Huckle-Buck (Horace Mann), Thursday, 25 March 2004 18:18 (twenty years ago) link
A man wakes up in a hospital bed after being in a coma.
Doctor: Hi, I'm someone you've never met before.
Man: Thank Christ! I thought I'd lost my memory!
― Ally C (Ally C), Thursday, 25 March 2004 20:01 (twenty years ago) link
I don't like the new-age religious twist that you've added.
― RJG (RJG), Thursday, 25 March 2004 20:05 (twenty years ago) link
― kirsten (kirsten), Thursday, 25 March 2004 20:09 (twenty years ago) link
― Ally C (Ally C), Thursday, 25 March 2004 22:11 (twenty years ago) link
― RJG (RJG), Thursday, 25 March 2004 22:13 (twenty years ago) link
Q: How do you know if a pig has done a poo in your house?
A: You can smell it. And you're treading in it.
One I made up when I was wee:
Q: what do you call a scottish monkey?
A: A McAckus
I prefer my brother's one really.
― dog latin (dog latin), Thursday, 25 March 2004 23:32 (twenty years ago) link
― RJG (RJG), Thursday, 25 March 2004 23:33 (twenty years ago) link
I'm pretty proud of this one but it is usually met with groans:
"I ate ten gyros and now I falafel!"
Get it?
― roger adultery (roger adultery), Friday, 26 March 2004 02:30 (twenty years ago) link
A bus carrying only ugly people is involved in a crash, and everyone on the bus dies. They go to Heaven. Because of the grief they have suffered, God decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what their wish is? The person answers, "I want to be beautiful," and so God snaps His fingers and it is done. The second one in line sees this and says "I want to be beautiful too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while, but when God is halfway down the line, the last person in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this man is rolling on the floor, laughing his pants off. Finally, God gets to the end of the line and asks the laughing one what his wish will be?
The man eventually catches his breath, and says:
"Make 'em all ugly again"
― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Friday, 26 March 2004 04:02 (twenty years ago) link
What do they eat for breakfast in Never Never Land?
Peter Pancakes.
And just this week -- he's now 9 years old -- he said: what's another word for "man-boobs"? His answer: Chesticles.
(Yeah, I know it doesn't really make logical sense, but fuck, if I'd been half as sophisticated when I was his age, by now I'd be a genius, or something.)
― David A. (Davant), Friday, 26 March 2004 07:17 (twenty years ago) link
Why did the Pope visit the Babybel factory?
Because it was reported that Baby Cheeses was spotted there.
― James Mitchell, Monday, 19 May 2008 22:26 (fifteen years ago) link
A newbie to New York City asks a local: "where's a good place for ass fucking?"
The local replies: "Gowanus Canal".
― RR, Sunday, 11 October 2009 18:25 (fourteen years ago) link
My brother made up this song, sung to the tune of 'We Three Kings' when he was about 10 or so.
WE THREE LEMMINGS OF ORIENT AREJUMPING OFF CLIFFS AND KILLING OURSELVESDOWN WE GO CLEAR THE WAYINTO THE SEA BELOWBUMPS OF WONDER BUMPS OF FRIGHTDOWN WE GO AT THE SPEED OF LIGHTHEADS ARE BLEEDING STILL WE'RE SPEEDINGINTO THE SEA BELOW
I still sing it at Christmas
― VegemiteGrrrl, Sunday, 11 October 2009 18:49 (fourteen years ago) link
Made this when I was in 3rd grade-ish:
Who's the most famous Mexican rapper of all time?
Julio! (like Coolio, etc)
― musically, Sunday, 11 October 2009 18:59 (fourteen years ago) link
i came up with this when i was of a single-digit age:
― the surface noise (electricsound), Friday, March 5, 2004 10:18 AM (5 years ago)
Genuine lols at prepubescent esoj joek!
― existential eggs (Abbott), Monday, 12 October 2009 18:50 (fourteen years ago) link
My brother, at age three, came up with:
Why did the ice cream sit on top of the refrigerator?Because it wanted to melt.
― existential eggs (Abbott), Monday, 12 October 2009 18:53 (fourteen years ago) link
Little bro's all time best homemade jokes aged 4:
What did one pig say to the other pig?Oink oink.
And, in the same mould as "Tiger Hunting" by Claude Bottom, was "Trees" by I. M. Stuck.
― calumerio, Monday, 12 October 2009 19:22 (fourteen years ago) link
did you hear the one about the pregnant mermaid with an abnormally small vagina? she had to have a sea-section.
― iiiijjjj, Saturday, 3 April 2010 00:05 (thirteen years ago) link
It's extremely impolite to talk about the scale of a mermaid's vagina.
― zvookster, Saturday, 3 April 2010 01:30 (thirteen years ago) link
your mom
― iiiijjjj, Saturday, 3 April 2010 01:34 (thirteen years ago) link
did you hear the one about your mom with an abnormally small vagina? she had to have a sea-section.
― ain't no thang but a chicken ㅋ (dyao), Saturday, 3 April 2010 01:40 (thirteen years ago) link
my mother is entirely terrestrial, take it back
― iiiijjjj, Saturday, 3 April 2010 01:45 (thirteen years ago) link
this kid in my sunday school class decided to debut his new novelty joke song at Bible school, which he titled "Jesus Always Farts"....
― Phoenix in Flight (Cattle Grind), Saturday, 3 April 2010 04:15 (thirteen years ago) link
Why do plays made by giant winged lizards always put audiences to sleep?............Because they dragon.
― RR, Friday, 18 June 2010 07:21 (thirteen years ago) link
What's Hansel and Gretel's favourite band?
- ...And you will know us by the trail of bread.
^
Professional level joke imo
― Remember when Mr Banhart was a replicant? (darraghmac), Friday, 18 June 2010 11:08 (thirteen years ago) link
My friend made me a joke as a birthday gift...he says it takes a few weeks to sink in. Here it is:
Knock knock?Who's there?Ha.Ha who?Nothin'.
― breaking that little dog's heart chakra (Abbott), Friday, 18 June 2010 15:52 (thirteen years ago) link
Still waiting for it to finish marinating tbh.
― breaking that little dog's heart chakra (Abbott), Friday, 18 June 2010 15:53 (thirteen years ago) link
U&K- how does one pronounce ha', and indeed, 'who' in yr region?
― Remember when Mr Banhart was a replicant? (darraghmac), Friday, 18 June 2010 15:54 (thirteen years ago) link
Ha rhyming with "claw"Who...I can't believe I'm telling you how "who" is pronounced. Rhymes with "goo" or "blue."
― breaking that little dog's heart chakra (Abbott), Friday, 18 June 2010 15:56 (thirteen years ago) link
well you pronounce 'ha' wrong so i don't see any reason to get snippy about the word with 'wh' in it tbh
― Remember when Mr Banhart was a replicant? (darraghmac), Friday, 18 June 2010 15:58 (thirteen years ago) link
What happened to Willie Dixon after spending the evening in over a dozen pubs?
The twelve bar blues.
― budo jeru, Wednesday, 29 March 2023 21:41 (one year ago) link
Why do melons never marry?
Because they cantaloupe.
― dinnerboat, Sunday, 9 April 2023 21:06 (eleven months ago) link
!
― brownie, Sunday, 9 April 2023 23:33 (eleven months ago) link
Why did the thieves want to steal a file cabinet?They were organized criminals.
― Josh in Chicago, Monday, 10 April 2023 00:09 (eleven months ago) link
melon joke is brilliant
― budo jeru, Tuesday, 11 April 2023 15:21 (eleven months ago) link
This joke was just told to me by a colleague I'm working with, referencing another one of our colleagues with whom we are struggling, professionally-creatively:
A man goes in for a therapy appointment. The therapist asks how it's going. The man says, "I'm having a hard time at work. Everyone is incompetent. They don't do what I ask. They are telling me they need time that I cannot give them. I ask for work from them and they come back with results that aren't what I'm asking for."
The therapist says, "let's try an exercise." The therapist produces a series of photographs. The first photograph is a photo of a winter landscape, snow and wind and ice. "What season do you see here?" asks the therapist. "It is summer," says the man.
The therapist produces another photograph. It shows some people caught in a blizzard, trudging through the snow. "What season do you see here?" asks the therapist. "It is summer, clearly," says the man.
The therapist produces another photograph. A mountain chalet has been buried in an avalanche, and people are attempting to dig their way out. "What season is this?" asks the therapist. "It's summer again," says the man.
The therapist is perplexed. "Are you sure it is summer? There is snow on the ground, people are bundled up in winter jackets." "I know," says the man, "it's just a really shitty summer."
― Tàr Shrek (flamboyant goon tie included), Monday, 26 June 2023 17:01 (nine months ago) link
lmao
― slai gorgeous-alexander (m bison), Monday, 26 June 2023 17:14 (nine months ago) link
Is a millinerian trying to get their hat right for the impending apocalypse?
― Stevo, Tuesday, 5 September 2023 10:40 (six months ago) link
A guy orders an Edvard Grieg recording from Discogs, but he ends up leaving negative feedback. It wasn't in Peer Gynt condition.
― budo jeru, Friday, 13 October 2023 05:46 (five months ago) link
I've decide to open a nursery to sell plants, but I don't have enough yet, I need to do that thing to produce more of them, y'know, that thing?
Propagate?
Yes, our security's excellent!
― Grandpont Genie, Monday, 16 October 2023 12:47 (five months ago) link
I was in the pub and this fella I knew came in, walked over to say hello, but just stood there when there was a perfectly good chair in front of him. So I said
"As the works foreman said to the apprentice at the Factory Records pressing plant....
Don't stand on Ceremony!"
― Grandpont Genie, Monday, 16 October 2023 12:50 (five months ago) link
The Rubáiyát of Victor Kiam. Worst poem ever.
― Grandpont Genie, Monday, 16 October 2023 13:34 (five months ago) link
A sheep walks into a pub.The landlord says, "You can't come in here, you're baa'd"
― ...eh you get the gist of it (dog latin), Thursday, 19 October 2023 13:26 (five months ago) link
Do you guys know where focaccia bread got its name?
So one day, this kid from a little Italian village goes to school with his lunch sack.
When it's time for lunch, he opens the sack and pulls out some salami, some cheese and some olives.
The teacher looks down at him and says " Whatsamada?! You focaccia bread?!"
― longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Thursday, 19 October 2023 13:35 (five months ago) link
That reminds me of another story about that same kid. He was always getting into food-related mix-ups. One time he came home from the market with ingredients for his family's Christmas dinner. His mother says, "Are you crazy? Why'd you get 2 geese?! We can't afford this!" "I got an extra one like you asked, mama," says the kid. "You told me to get some onions, garlic, broccoli, and a spare-a goose!"
https://www.christart.com/images/clipart/1834/asparagus.png
[this is one of my most groanworthy homemade jokes]
― Lavator Shemmelpennick, Thursday, 19 October 2023 16:48 (five months ago) link
I'll atone with another one I've been developing:
What do Chubby Checker and M. Night Shyamalan have in common?
A: They both grew up in greater Philadelphia
― Lavator Shemmelpennick, Thursday, 19 October 2023 16:49 (five months ago) link
― ...eh you get the gist of it (dog latin), Thursday, October 19, 2023 8:26 AM (three hours ago) bookmarkflaglink
He should've known he was bleaty-sixed
― budo jeru, Thursday, 19 October 2023 17:01 (five months ago) link
― Lavator Shemmelpennick, Thursday, October 19, 2023 11:49 AM (one hour ago) bookmarkflaglink
this is incredible
― oatly carmichael (m bison), Thursday, 19 October 2023 18:08 (five months ago) link
very very delayed lol ... but that's fucking amazing
― budo jeru, Thursday, 19 October 2023 18:22 (five months ago) link
omg I just now got it, lol
― real warm grandpa (Neanderthal), Thursday, 19 October 2023 20:27 (five months ago) link
Holy shit, same.
― Large, Complex, Detailed but Irrefutable POST (Dan Peterson), Thursday, 19 October 2023 20:56 (five months ago) link
I am lost
― ...eh you get the gist of it (dog latin), Thursday, 19 October 2023 20:58 (five months ago) link
Lol, same!
Actually I don’t get it.
― longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Thursday, 19 October 2023 20:58 (five months ago) link
come on babyjust do theGreater Philadelphia
― real warm grandpa (Neanderthal), Thursday, 19 October 2023 20:59 (five months ago) link
^^^ and once you've worked that out, which admittedly took me far too long, the fact that they both actually did grow up near Philly (which is probably not common knowledge?) is incredible.
― Large, Complex, Detailed but Irrefutable POST (Dan Peterson), Thursday, 19 October 2023 21:04 (five months ago) link
The joke is that both Chubby and M. Knight like to dance the Watusi
― budo jeru, Thursday, 19 October 2023 21:08 (five months ago) link
Oh god right okay now I see. I was wracking my brain for any admittedly poor knowledge of Philadelphia. Even looked up "Philadelphia twist" which according to Urban Dictionary is a type of handjob lol
― ...eh you get the gist of it (dog latin), Friday, 20 October 2023 08:33 (five months ago) link
Why does Joe Rogan owe royalties to Joni Mitchell?
He praised Bari Weiss and podcasts a fucking lot
― m0stly clean (Slowsquatch), Monday, 11 December 2023 22:43 (three months ago) link
Boooooo
― budo jeru, Monday, 11 December 2023 22:49 (three months ago) link
jk thanks for sharing :)
― budo jeru, Monday, 11 December 2023 23:28 (three months ago) link
that is a winner
― Josefa, Monday, 11 December 2023 23:40 (three months ago) link
Took me a minute.
― peace, man, Tuesday, 12 December 2023 11:45 (three months ago) link
oh, my god
― longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Tuesday, 12 December 2023 14:24 (three months ago) link
Sensational work.
― I would prefer not to. (Chinaski), Tuesday, 12 December 2023 14:48 (three months ago) link
The is easily Top Ten for this thread.
― Hideous Lump, Tuesday, 12 December 2023 16:43 (three months ago) link
aww i just got it
― ...eh you get the gist of it (dog latin), Tuesday, 12 December 2023 16:47 (three months ago) link
first I hated it, now I love it
― kinder, Tuesday, 12 December 2023 22:00 (three months ago) link
Thanks all, this is pretty much the only place for it so I'm glad it worked ...
― m0stly clean (Slowsquatch), Wednesday, 13 December 2023 13:19 (three months ago) link
Which dinosaur can do three trillion calculations per second?
Triteraflops
― organ doner (ledge), Wednesday, 7 February 2024 10:58 (one month ago) link
Never buy Communist books during a power cut. I went to the bookshop to buy Mao's Little Red Book. The power went out. Came home with my purchase and opened it up.
"Chunyang, 23, telephone Beijing 283901"
Only gone and got his Little Black Book hadn't I???
― Grandpont Genie, Wednesday, 7 February 2024 11:15 (one month ago) link
No one could understand it when I hired Scar, nefarious and conniving villain from Disney's "The Lion King," to fix the broken sound on my microwave. But sure enough, he didn't have to fiddle with it long at all and before I knew it he was handing me his invoice and saying, "Beep repaired!"
[this joke brought to you by my daughter playing Scar in local children's theater and singing his signature song around the house constantly]
― Lavator Shemmelpennick, Wednesday, 7 February 2024 20:47 (one month ago) link
i came up with _one joke_ and just the other day i found out somebody else independently came up with it
actually i just came up with a new, better punchline to a pre-existing joke
q: what's a pirate's favorite letter?a: a letter of marque
― Kate (rushomancy), Thursday, 8 February 2024 03:14 (one month ago) link
That reminds me of a joke, I think I've heard it, or a variation of it, before . . .
Q: What's a cat's favorite letter?A: Cats don't have favorite letters, they're fucking cats.
― immodesty blaise (jimbeaux), Thursday, 8 February 2024 03:17 (one month ago) link
What do you call it when the Phish bandleader only faintly has a quality of not being submerged in condensed milk?
Trey’s trace tres leches-less-ness
― budo jeru, Saturday, 24 February 2024 00:29 (one month ago) link
Your Gods so omnipresent...
"How omnipresent is he?!?"
Your Gods so omnipresent that when he sits around the house, he sits around the house
― H.P, Saturday, 24 February 2024 05:02 (one month ago) link
I was about to tell Lavator's joke at my stand-up night, but then I remembered that the Disney Haters Society had block-booked tickets, so...
No one could understand it when I built a time machine, travelled back one hundred years, kidnapped Lord Baden Powell, and brought him back to the present day to fix the broken sound on my microwave. But sure enough, he didn't have to fiddle with it long at all and before I knew it he was handing me his invoice and saying, "Beep repaired!"
― Grandpont Genie, Saturday, 24 February 2024 06:33 (one month ago) link
Lol H.P.
― CEO Greedwagon (Neanderthal), Saturday, 24 February 2024 15:49 (one month ago) link
xp i think we have a burgeoning genre here!
― Lavator Shemmelpennick, Sunday, 25 February 2024 20:23 (one month ago) link
For your respects neando, have another.
Have you heard how poor the Christians are?
"How poor are they?!?"
The Christians are so poor they only got one God, and they still had to split him 3 ways!
― H.P, Sunday, 25 February 2024 22:16 (one month ago) link
If I ever want to be a hip and happening youth leader, I'll submit that joke as my resume