shit that looks like an onion article but isn't

if they were that deep in the game she would have called them poison pen letters instead of hate mail

― Hector Ringtone (DJ Mencap), Thursday, September 10, 2015 3:33 PM (34 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

haha, otm!

https://twitter.com/myfoxla/status/643519513745559553

because cheerleading is all about triggering PTSD!

They're called cheerLEADERS, not cheerFOLLOWERS.

http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2015/sep/20/teen-prosecuted-naked-images-himself-phone-selfies

https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/europe/poles-furious-after-russia-blames-them-for-starting-wwii/2015/09/26/0da28620-644a-11e5-8475-781cc9851652_story.html

https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/capital-weather-gang/wp/2014/06/02/female-named-hurricanes-kill-more-than-male-because-people-dont-respect-them-study-finds

omg. for this thread i give it an A+

Plastic Bags Chaos Looms

(front page of daily mail today, in letters an inch high)

the front page headline of the local boston paper is about a commuter train that now has a slightly less direct route into the city. i guess nothing is happening in the world.

http://www.donotlink.com/gy14

^ilx should use donotlink more often.
it's a link from elite daily: "Don’t Impress Me With ‘Something Different’, Just Take Me to Dinner"

> ^ilx should use donotlink more often.

and get popups asking you to rate stuff? no thanks.

"In one click, how would you describe this elitedaily.com page or article?
Great Interesting Nonsense Offensive Dangerous"

http://www.citylab.com/navigator/2015/10/for-5-this-startup-will-cancel-comcast-for-you/409870/

xp small price to pay not to give douchebags the traffic imo

Airplane Passengers Will Be Stacked On Top Of Each Other In Airbus Patent

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/4/44/African_slave_ship_diagram.jpg

my favorite reddit thread xd

http://fox4kc.com/2015/10/08/man-who-calls-police-to-say-hes-too-high-found-in-pile-of-doritos/

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CRTMKKVUcAAlCT5.png

http://bigstory.ap.org/article/2371c36fd51d41789532bee499f63ddc/zoo-meerkat-expert-sentenced-over-assault-monkey-handler

omg, claiming the dn

http://www.wcvb.com/news/death-notes-book-found-in-nashua-school-raises-concerns/35809048

this requires a single google search people
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00YC1YDME

hahahaha

"I pray with every ounce of my being that it's never something that would turn into a tragedy," Charest said. "But how do you know it wouldn't? How do you know this isn't the beginning of a tragic situation?"

We Blended All of Leonardo DiCaprio's Former Girlfriends' Faces Together

wonderful, just a shame they couldn't mock up some photos of leo hanging out with his generic GF

he just wants to date a vermeer what's wrong with that

http://www.nbcphiladelphia.com/news/local/Christie-Kicked-out-of-Amtrak-Quiet-Car-336906541.html

http://www.timesofisrael.com/watch-gaza-family-names-baby-boy-knife-of-jerusalem/

Comedy fan who collapses every time she laughs says her favourite stand-up Lee Evans could kill her

The DiCaprio one looks like Clickhole

http://m.chron.com/news/houston-texas/texas/article/Happiest-mugshot-in-America-belongs-to-this-6620025.php

I dunno, that's about average in Texas.

http://i.imgur.com/vXwpqaa.jpg

http://www.charlotteobserver.com/opinion/article45163665.html

And because you are a role model, your behavior brought out like behavior in the stands. Some of the Panthers fans in our section began taunting the hometown fans. Many Titans fans booed you, a few offering instructive, but not necessarily family friendly, suggestions as to how you might change your behavior.

My daughter sensed the change immediately – and started asking questions. Won’t he get in trouble for doing that? Is he trying to make people mad? Do you think he knows he looks like a spoiled brat?

I didn’t have great answers for her, and honestly, in an effort to minimize your negative impact and what was otherwise a really fun day, I redirected her attention to the cheerleaders and mascot.

New Documentary Chronicles the Story of the Pogues' Shane MacGowan Getting New Teeth

http://pitchfork.com/news/62237-new-documentary-chronicles-the-story-of-the-pogues-shane-macgowan-getting-new-teeth/

http://i.imgur.com/is9iEl1.png

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/grade-point/wp/2015/12/29/lawsuit-claims-teaching-assistants-at-amherst-were-told-to-sleep-with-students-to-boost-class-enrollment/

admittedly i don't read the onion, but good god does this sound like a parody:

"Three months without dating apps: It was harder than I expected"

http://www.theprovince.com/life/fashion-beauty/three+months+without+dating+apps+harder+than+expected/11630087/story.html

or maybe it's that i almost never used dating apps

an article about the onion that looks like an onion article

http://www.bloomberg.com/gadfly/articles/2016-01-19/onion-worth-more-than-washington-post-as-print-wilts

http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/three-6-mafia-star-remembers-867617

not the whole thing, but this part is clickholesque to me:

To be honest, I didn't know what the hell an Oscar was. So I Googled the word. And then I saw that gold man — and I was like, "Holy sheriff!" That woke me right up. I had heard of the Academy Awards, but I didn't know the name "Oscar" meant the Academy Awards. So I called Juicy J right back: "You mean the gold man?!" "That's right! It's for Hustle & Flow!"

lol otm, "the gold man"

haha

http://www.archdaily.com/783193/anish-kapoor-now-owns-the-rights-to-the-worlds-darkest-material

None more black. Though I was hoping "darkest material" meant the right to, like, joke about pedophilia.

Heartbreaking Photo Of Grandad Who Cooked For All Six Grandkids - But Only One Turned Up

https://www.yahoo.com/news/burger-and-cries-papaw-makes-dinner-for-101930480.html

http://www.smh.com.au/world/380-million-ship-may-be-named-boaty-mcboatface-thanks-to-an-online-poll-20160320-gnmtvx.html

http://nypost.com/2016/03/20/not-so-fast-on-banning-tipping-please-even-though-i-called-for-it/

xpost: the ship will be called Sir David McAttenboroughface, apparently.

( http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-36225652 )

http://www.theguardian.com/world/2016/may/05/baby-boxes-abortion-indiana-pro-life-safe-haven
http://www.safehavenbabyboxes.com/

i can't argue with it as a utility but connecting it with a pro-life agenda is ugly

http://www.aux.tv/2016/05/99-items-found-in-princes-secret-vault/

Those items need to be polled

I was also going to suggest a poll for the members of the Revolution and one for the NPG, but I think this should take precedence.

Budweiser Renames Its Beer "America"

"Millions of men every evening stand shoulder-to-shoulder in this great land and piss America..."

Now when someone offers to get me a beer I can say, "Anything but America."

^

"Step out of the car, I smell America on your breath"

Every child had a pretty good shot,

To get at least as far as his old man got,

But something happened on the way to that place,

He threw up America all over the place... hey hey hey... uh woe woe

http://www.standard.co.uk/news/london/elderly-polish-couple-buy-fabric-tickets-online-and-rave-until-5am-a3249571.html

Ravers: the man stole a dance with clubber Abbie Leek (Abbie Leek)

https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2016/may/18/google-patents-sticky-layer-self-driving-car-accidents

http://sfist.com/2016/05/23/rec_parks_pilot_program_allows_you.php

http://host.madison.com/wsj/news/local/crime-and-courts/duck-fat-spill-coated-downtown-sidewalks-madison-fire-says/article_34e045bf-1d2c-5fc9-b3c1-1712aa082a83.html

the last sentence in the duck fat link -

"The chef contracted to have the duck fat spill absorbed."

???

oops I get it.

http://www.nationalreview.com/article/436246/x-men-apocalypse-billboard-villain

http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2016/06/24/more-than-30-people-burned-in-motivational-speaker-tony-robbins-hot-coals-walk.html

"some people were not concentrating on walking across the coals because they were taking selfies and asking others to take video of them."

not really an onion article but the timing is...interesting.

front page of yahoo O_O

Lifestyle
Wow, Karma! Pride of Lions Kills 5 Poachers in Sneak Attack

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/boris-johnson-minister-theresa-may-cabinet-a7135371.html

"Boris Johnson named Foreign Secretary"

good to know that being eaten by lions is primarily a "lifestyle" issue.

Drunk idiot who scaled airport fence to board planes caught out by receipt for Mr Blobby biscuit

http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/news/scottish-news/drunk-idiot-who-scaled-airport-8415425#DLmJ8SWiuPD25pjv.97

No link, but biking past our local NPR station this morning I saw this on their scrolling news marquee: "WISH GRANTED - SIX-YEAR-OLD BOY TO BE GARBAGEMAN FOR A DAY."

6-Year-Old Boy's Wish To Be A 'Garbage Man' Granted

http://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2016/07/27/487604365/6-year-old-boys-wish-to-be-a-garbage-man-granted

Hats off to that kid actually, far better than wishing to be a ludicrously wealthy brooding weirdo (ie Batman)

good to know that being eaten by lions is primarily a "lifestyle" issue.

― the event dynamics of power asynchrony (rushomancy), Wednesday, July 13, 2016 2:54 PM (3 weeks ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

eating humans is def. a lifestyle choice for lions

Accused FSU face eater told cops he wasn't on drugs during arrest

http://www.miamiherald.com/news/state/florida/article96949917.html

Security footage showed Harrouff calmly walking out of the restaurant, clad in a blue polo shirt, white pants and and <sic> a backward Make America Great Again hat

Deadly bagpipe infection is health warning to all wind musicians

(at least the headline)

O what a horror it will be to never hear the sound of bagpipes again.

(^ Sarcasm regretted at 2019 funeral, listening to someone off in the distance playing "Amazing Grace" on the accordion.)

Archbishop of Canterbury: ‘Pope Francis would beat me in a fight’

“For a lot of reasons, the Pope would (win). He’s got a bigger stick than me. He’s got a bigger hat then me. He’s bigger then me. He’s better than me.”

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2016/09/12/jailed-agadoo-singer-led-a-conga-in-prison/

there's no way the reality could live up to that article, but it is nonetheless wonderful

lol, I was actually imagining that happening when I first read about him getting sent down

I think my single least favorite kind of facebook comment is "not the onion!"

https://i.ytimg.com/vi/a1Qd14pXQI4/hqdefault.jpg

Intelligent robot that 'remembers and learns' could be scrapped after escaping a lab for a second time

Haha wow that video of it creeping away

lol, that popped up in the Harper's Findings and i knew the internet would provide video sooner or later

Bob Dylan Announces 36-Disc Set of 1966 Live Albums

these guys are just trying to get in this thread now

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/10/15/us/bottle-flipping-craze-is-fun-for-children-but-torture-for-parents.html

“I’m going to need a bottle of Xanax to deal with the bottle crunching,” said Ms. Tuna, who has five children, four of whom are living at home: three boys, ages 10, 12 and 13, and an 11-year-old daughter. She said they all toss bottles, though the girl less so.

Ms. Tuna
Ms. Cinnamon

i'm saying tho'!

The article itself is more reasonable but the tweet says:

"Why is Hillary Clinton so widely loved?"

https://twitter.com/theatlantic/status/795030892137902081

http://www.celebtricity.com/daycare-busted-running-toddler-fightclub-parents-outraged/

Phillies' "Pistachio Girl" Fired For Being A White Nationalist

Pretty much the textbook definition of reaping what you sow ...

...

...

in a nutshell.

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CzGb9MAVQAAdG61.jpg:large

That is not something a company should be boasting about ffs

Not saying I agree with them all but...

https://www.themonthly.com.au/blog/evan-williams/2016/07/2016/1481072574/40-most-onion-australian-politics-headlines-2016

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/nationworld/ct-dog-attacks-florida-family-sweater-20170102-story.html

Iowa Republican Trying to Kneecap State Universities Got His “Business Degree” From a Sizzler Franchise

Before entering politics, Chelgren was best known as “Chickenman,” a fun-loving character who wore a chicken hat, wielded a supersoaker full of beer, and biked naked in Iowa’s famous RAGBRAI bike race.

this is great tho
http://theiowarepublican.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/Chelgren.jpg

beginning of the End

http://www.latimes.com/business/hollywood/la-fi-ct-cinepolis-junior-20170302-story.html?123

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2017/04/06/steve-bannon-calls-jared-kushner-a-cuck-and-globalist-behind-his-back.html

as if anyone needed more evidence that "globalist" is just nazi code for "Jew"

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/apr/20/bring-me-a-proper-pudding-jay-rayner-sick-of-half-hearted-dessert-death-spiral

It’s an endless parade of panna cottas and half-arsed mousses. The kitchen will throw on a bit of granola or a fragment of meringue to make it look like a dessert, but that doesn’t alter the fact. It’s not. It’s a squirt from an udder, set to a wobble courtesy of a boiled down cow’s foot. It’s a failure of ambition.

In recent reviews, I see I’ve lavished praise on various wobbly mounds. But the effect is cumulative.

It’s a squirt from an udder,
It's some good advice,
That you just can't take

Saw this go by earlier today and really took a while to realize it wasn't photoshopped:

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C928JErXYAErSXl.jpg

2017 pictures you would've sworn were photoshopped if you were shown them in 2015

https://www.theguardian.com/artanddesign/2017/apr/27/tate-asks-staff-to-pitch-in-to-buy-boat-for-departing-chief-nicholas-serota

Teen spots school flag on ground and holds it up until someone can come hoist it back up. abcn.ws/24bTWmf

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DERkpaeXgAAh48h.jpg

well, maybe not quite - but almost...

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DFMBmnJVoAIIGuW.jpg

two from my hometown

http://www.htrnews.com/story/news/2017/07/18/man-set-fire-manitowoc-police-had-chest-beard-hair-singed/489902001/
http://www.htrnews.com/story/news/2017/07/20/manitowoc-alderman-mike-howe-tries-climb-cow-arrested-owi/497335001/

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DFWSHvaWsAAr9n1.jpg

lol

amazing

that seems ripe for at least an hour's worth of find-and-replace fun

No actual german expressionism measures up to the ideal german expressionism for which I yearn

has anyone here read Jacobson's fiction and is it as bad as his op-ed pieces might lead one to assume?

O yes

he used the phrase "empurpled" ffs

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/aug/02/bus-seats-mistaken-burqas-anti-immigrant-group-norwegian?CMP=share_btn_fb

:(

Millennials Unearth an Amazing Hack to Get Free TV: the Antenna

http://www.dailycamera.com/news/ci_29509065/dui-suspect-tells-longmont-police-hes-king-Scotland

Texas man shoots armadillo, bullet ricochets back into his face

Uber’s search for a female CEO has been narrowed down to 3 men

that armadillo one is hilarious

The man was airlifted to a nearby hospital, where his jaw was wired shut, according to Rowe.

The status of the animal is unknown.

"We didn't find the armadillo," the sheriff said.

New study shows that chimpanzees of all ages and all sexes can learn rock-paper-scissors

http://www.slate.com/blogs/browbeat/2017/08/12/paramount_is_making_a_leonardo_da_vinci_biopic_starring_leonardo_dicaprio.html

http://jalopnik.com/nyc-transit-union-claims-the-mta-holds-dead-bodies-in-w-1797801971

always wondered about that tbh

People who use public spaces/facilities for their suicides are assholes. Walk deep into grizzly/wolf/vulture territory, and if the experience doesn't deter you, then at least you'll get a decent sky burial with no trauma to unrelated civil servants.

uh yeah I don’t think most people depressed enough to commit suicide are thinking rationally

People treated for putting sun cream on their eyeballs to watch the eclipse

Not an article, but while searching for subhumans on twitter condemning Obama's response to Katrina, I came across this photo/window into profound human dysfunction:

Three days after Hurricane Katrina: Where was Michelle Obama? pic.twitter.com/hjwhsxHdq5

— Bikergirl4trump (@TrumpResponders) February 23, 2017

http://www.politico.eu/article/far-right-german-candidate-promises-to-get-rid-of-arabic-numerals/

https://www.premierchristianity.com/Blog/What-do-Lidl-and-ISIS-have-in-common-They-both-remove-crosses-from-churches

ISIS’ genocide against Christians and destruction of religious architecture has been well documented. But what wasn’t so well known (until this week) is that the German supermarket chain Lidl has also taken it upon themselves to remove Christian crosses.

When it came to designing the packaging for their Mousaka, Lidl used the power of Photoshop (other photo editing programs are available) to erase crosses from the roofs of famous Greek Orthodox churches in Santorini (see above photo).

Now clearly there’s a huge difference between the persecution and murder of Christians in the Middle East and what Lidl have done. But whether attempts to remove crosses are violent and bloody, or digital and politically correct, the outcome is the same and a war is (deliberately or unintentionally) waged against Christianity’s most important and most central symbol.

Florida Police Warn People Not to Shoot Their Guns at Hurricane Irma

http://time.com/4935117/hurricane-irma-guns-florida/?utm_campaign=time&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_medium=social&xid=time_socialflow_facebook

http://thebeehive.bumble.com/bumbleblog/the-dictionary-of-modern-dating

Monster fatberg: Museum of London wants piece for exhibit

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-41265408

I would go see that exhibit

Eight workers are breaking up the object with high-pressure hoses.

Looking forward to the movie about these folks

Sign Language Interpreter Warned of ‘Pizza’ and ‘Bear Monster’ at Irma Briefing

IRS awards multimillion-dollar fraud-prevention contract to Equifax

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DL4aVWkV4AAj7YW.jpg:small

Damn right
it's better than theirs

Internet: Some reaaaal bad takes out there this morning, you have what it takes to top them?

Apple: hold my beer https://t.co/4jYFg7MJMM pic.twitter.com/WHSM3scjOJ

— Laura Hudson (@laura_hudson) October 11, 2017

holy shit

http://nypost.com/2017/10/12/teen-screamed-so-hard-for-one-direction-her-lungs-collapsed/

links on that same page:

Do not use a cucumber to 'cleanse' your vagina
Woman almost dies when her unborn baby kicks a whole in her womb
Victoria Beckham admits to drinking vinegar on an empty stomach
No one can agree on the color of these sneakers

German state railway firm Deutsche Bahn is considering naming a new high speed train after Anne Frank

http://www.abc.net.au/news/2017-10-27/man-who-cut-off-another-testicle-was-trying-to-help/9093286

https://jezebel.com/male-models-break-out-in-30-person-brawl-outside-the-ro-1820076827

According to witnesses, the entire confrontation was started by the Brits “being aggressively British... They were being really obnoxious.”

Wisconsin legislators approve bill that would make it legal for toddlers to hunt with guns.

http://apnews.com/f2cc6b4280f342c185244caf7070a12e

To prevent revenge porn, Facebook will look at user-submitted nude photos

I could not believe that was real when I first saw that.

Of all the things I've seen on FB, revenge porn hasn't been one of them.

"are you at risk? type your credit card number here"

CNN: US Navy admits aircrew drew penis in the sky

"US Navy air crew, flying an F/A-18 Growler (Electronic Attack Aircraft) assigned to Electronic Attack Squadron 130 based at Naval Air Station Whidbey Island, Wash., flew an air pattern over Okanogan County, Washington, on Thursday, November 16, that left a condensed air trail resembling an obscene image to observers on the ground," Navy spokesperson Lt. Cmdr. Leslie Hubbell said.

https://www.nytimes.com/2017/11/17/movies/prince-william-prince-harry-star-wars.html

At a taping of The Hollywood Reporter’s Actors Roundtable show, Mr. Boyega, who plays Finn in the movie, confirmed that the Prince William and Prince Harry will play Stormtroopers in a scene alongside him.

Marginal, mostly for the copyeditor channeling their inner Beavis:

People: Surgery Gives 1-Month-Old Kitten the Anus She Desperately Needed

Cluck the 1-month-old kitten will no longer be the butt of anyone’s jokes.

The rescue cat was born with an Imperforate Anus, a birth defect which caused her to come into this world sans butthole. As we know, everyone poops, so everyone needs an anus.

https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2017/dec/20/loud-orgies-of-mexican-fish-could-deafen-dolphins-say-scientists

https://arstechnica.com/tech-policy/2017/12/iced-tea-company-stock-triples-after-adding-blockchain-to-name/

just checked the date nope not April 1st so what gives

https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/an-open-invitation-to-grace-to-go-on-the-date-you-should-have-had-lbkr/

But what might have been hardest for me to read was this line: “You guys are all the fucking same.”

Because that must be a terrible thing for you to have come to believe. A belief that I can actually completely understand, given the recent climate.

But I’m wondering there’s a chance I can help change your mind–even just a little bit. If nothing else, at least try to provide you with an evening that makes you feel valued, appreciated and respected.

Oh that fucking website, everything they publish seems to be in this weird needy doesn't-get-it "I'm a nice guy!" mode.

This is a guy who lived in the same Chinese city as me, a couple of years after I left, so I probably know some of the people he's talking about, and his point of view is really very deeply odd - https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/white-man-chinese-women-a-story-of-prostitution-romance-and-celibacy/

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/23/world/europe/dog-shoots-man-russia.html

this is a really bad yakov smirnoff joke

Astronomers Say Giant Disco Ball in Space Is Bad for Science

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DU7YgLdXkAEkV4a.jpg:small

https://www.museumoflondon.org.uk/museum-london/event-detail?id=161209
FATBERG!

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DVaXyrnX4AIry8C.jpg

fuck these fucking people, except in a bad way

That is one of the best ones so far. That could basically be an onion weekender cover.

Math error results in Norwegian Olympic team ordering 15,000 eggs https://t.co/UkM54b390L pic.twitter.com/v85oJIUfvQ

— The A.V. Club (@TheAVClub) February 10, 2018

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DWqqj34UMAAS63e.jpg:small

http://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/375978-oklahoma-school-district-installs-bulletproof-shelters-in-elementary

Worshippers clutching AR-15 rifles and some wearing bullet crowns, participated in a commitment ceremony today at World Peace and Unification Sanctuary, in Newfoundland, Pa. The event led a nearby school to cancel classes for the day. Photos @jacquelinelarma pic.twitter.com/GXzrZeK41z

— AP Images (@AP_Images) February 28, 2018

So basically just like Beneath the Planet of the Apes

Alaska's congressman suggests more Jews would have survived the Holocaust if they were armed

(could fill this thread every day with Murican gun stuff tbh)

People have been saying that for years, I pretty much lump it in under the general heading of “blood libel”

https://i.imgur.com/rKZcxNL.jpg

Fruit Flies Get Drunk Before Sex, After Sexual Rejection and in Pretty Much Every Other Situation, Too

Nun Dies in Court While Battling Katy Perry Over a Convent

http://catholicherald.co.uk/news/2018/04/03/parish-criticised-after-flying-blessed-sacrament-from-drone/?platform=hootsuite

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dnk-vC2Djk

“Is curing patients a sustainable business model?” Goldman Sachs analysts ask

jesus christ

A serial pooper targeted a N.J. high school track. It was a nearby school superintendent.

Romance writer's bid to stop authors from using word 'cocky' fails in court

There's no evidence having sex with robots is healthy, report says...

https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation-now/2018/06/05/theres-no-evidence-having-sex-robots-healthy-report-says/672096002/

Okay, seriously, down to the photo, how is this NOT an Onion story?

https://www.wsj.com/articles/when-did-a-famous-guitar-smashing-occur-one-fan-insists-everyone-has-it-wrong-1528212278

“I don’t know when the wretched thing was taken,” she said, adding, “I don’t mind it being ambiguous.”

there is a comment on that article that might be Lefsetz under an alias

red alert, we have a red alert

https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2018/06/13/style/dads-are-cool.html

That hot “retired millennial” look
“This is a logical extension or evolution of normcore,” said Brian Trunzo, the senior men’s wear editor at the trend forecasting firm WGSN. He calls the look “retired millennial.” “There’s something uniquely American about it, and very real, red-blooded man, like ‘I’m gonna wear a baggy plaid shirt with relaxed khakis because I’m chilling and I’m comfortable in my manhood.’”

Emily Segal, a founder of the design and technology think tank Nemesis Global and a former member of K-Hole, the trend forecasting group that helped identify the normcore phenomenon, has a more expansive view of the movement.

“I don’t think it just has to do with being a dad,” Ms. Segal said. “What we call dad style is stuff that is self-consciously unsexy, or even un-self-consciously unsexy.”

“Brands are trying produce mystery in this overexposed atmosphere,” Ms. Segal added. “They’re doing it by either picking something extremely random or something extremely obvious. Dad style is both.”

https://i.imgur.com/VWVa5Ec.png

we have Mac DeMarco to blame for this, don't we?

is now the time to open up a boutique of $1500+ windbreakers from the 90s, procured from goodwills across the midwest for $3 each

i was rocking this shit back in the early 90s. check out this totally normal photo where i'm just trailblazing the nonsexy dad look

https://i.imgur.com/oucNAHk.jpg

https://i.redd.it/m8wtquc1z4my.jpg

That is basically how I dress, for roughly 10% of the price.

In my younger days I would have maybe been happy to be ahead of the curve, now I just feel embarrassed for everyone involved, including myself for the minuscule bit of influence I might have had on this trend

This is wrong and nobody should be happy about it.

i was rocking this shit back in the early 90s. check out this totally normal photo where i'm just trailblazing the nonsexy dad look

https://i.imgur.com/oucNAHk.jpg

― obviously DLC (Karl Malone), Thursday, June 14, 2018 12:07 PM (one hour ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

the way the white parts of that jacket blend into the background freaked me the fuck out for a second.

yeah, my sister texts it to me out of the blue every once in a while and we always crack up. reminds me of the try suicide skit on mr show

https://i.imgur.com/0V6WyoF.jpg

oh thank god i wasn't the only one who was creeped out by that photo

Haha me too

Engadget: World's smallest violin uses MEMS, plays only for you

Lol

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DjAeXOFUwAEedU8.jpg

straight into my veins

https://www.thestar.com/news/cannabis/2018/08/08/cannabis-company-begins-first-federally-approved-study-of-cbd-treatment-for-pets.html

https://i.imgur.com/6dldz71.png

https://globalnews.ca/news/4549159/cookie-monster-cat-pajama/

https://nypost.com/2018/09/01/nyc-should-stop-coddling-young-white-bros-on-bikes/

"The Dale Earnhardts of the handlebars turn into colicky babies over every minor impediment to their progress. They tweet their rage whenever a bike lane is blocked by any of the inevitable nuisances — like utility digs, construction and fire trucks. You know, the things most New Yorkers deal with every single day while taking it in their stride. Fury’s in their blood, as was true of the guys who wished me death by dump truck over my last bike lane-bashing column. Bring it on, boys! But spare the women and children."

Whiney writes for the NY Post now?

just the title, but still

https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/chess-world-rattled-as-someone-nearly-wins-game/

They developed their own metrics: the Stool Hardness and Transit (Shat) score and the Found and Retrieved Time (Fart) score.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/nov/27/shit-a-brick-doctors-swallow-lego-to-allay-parents-fears?CMP=fb_gu

the guardian breaking big stories this week

Nigerian president denies dying and being replaced by clone

Just what a clone would say.

from April 2018
Hand dryers suck in fecal bacteria and blow it all over your hands, study finds

Listen there’s fecal bacteria everywhere and it’s best not to worry about it

Yeah my other half loves to point out when he farts that I an "breathing in poo particles". Thanks, guy.

More in the weird news vein, but:

No you Kant: Russians reject German thinker's name for airport
https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/660/cpsprodpb/136E6/production/_104609597_kantpaint27novgetty.jpg

https://www.pcmag.com/news/365332/amazon-robot-sprays-54-workers-with-bear-repellent

https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2018/12/07/make-better-choices-endangered-hawaiian-monk-seals-keep-getting-eels-stuck-up-their-noses-scientists-want-them-stop/?utm_term=.981b743f0702

[

How Pot Noodle almost killed man - and the hero in his undies who saved him

British Medical Journal: Parachute use to prevent death and major trauma when jumping from aircraft: randomized controlled trial

Parachute use did not reduce death or major traumatic injury when jumping from aircraft in the first randomized evaluation of this intervention. However, the trial was only able to enroll participants on small stationary aircraft on the ground, suggesting cautious extrapolation to high altitude jumps.

A classic of the genre (pretty sure they've published that article, or a variation of it, multiple times over the years)

Judge rules that New York's state ban on nunchucks is unconstitutional https://t.co/cW1gPKA0o5 pic.twitter.com/r13l8XCoJC

— The Hill (@thehill) December 18, 2018

https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/61xa75yZ%2ByL._SY606_.jpg

This spoon and fork attach to your phone to lower disposable utensil usage. pic.twitter.com/CxeeRlTcZK

— Cheddar (@cheddar) January 18, 2019

finally, an opportunity to decrease disposable utensil usage

Florida being Florida

https://www.chicagotribune.com/news/nationworld/ct-florida-politician-face-licking-20190207-story.html

A Florida politician allegedly made a habit of licking men's faces. She has now resigned.

"I would love to be part of a city that's in the news for good things, not dirt and garbage."

florida-politician-face-licking

"I mean, she licked a lot of people, sir. So everyone kind of talked about the fact that she licked people. That's what she did when she got drunk."

https://www.mlb.com/cut4/zach-britton-has-changed-his-name-to-zack-britton

so fucking lame

when he changes his mind and wants to come back home - WHEN - he is not welcome

prodigal dumbass

After joining, he changed the spelling of his name from Brian to Bryan to make it easier to sign autographs.

still mad about britton

more like bitten, by a snake, i hope

jerk

Zach is clearly the cool spelling. Zack is the Saved By The Bell spelling.

Zak McKracken 4lyfe

https://www.azcentral.com/story/news/local/arizona/2019/02/18/grand-canyon-tourists-exposed-radiation-safety-manager-says/2876435002/

Eh. You'd have to stand between the two cabinets for a year to get a dose higher than that of homes in Ramsar, Iran, which has a cancer incidence no higher than neighboring villages.

it was more about the comical hijinks of disposal

and the return of the empty buckets

On Bourbon Street, battle of Huge Ass Beers vs. Giant Ass Beer lands in New Orleans court

ugh, my bad

Son defends parents caught in college admissions scandal while smoking blunt

In her practice, Dr. Levine said, she regularly sees college freshmen who “have had to come home from Emory or Brown because they don’t have the minimal kinds of adult skills that one needs to be in college.”

One came home because there was a rat in the dorm room. Some didn’t like their roommates. Others said it was too much work, and they had never learned independent study skills. One didn’t like to eat food with sauce. Her whole life, her parents had helped her avoid sauce, calling friends before going to their houses for dinner. At college, she didn’t know how to cope with the cafeteria options — covered in sauce.

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/03/16/style/snowplow-parenting-scandal.html

taste's very strange

At college, covered in sauce

cafeteria food... with club sauce

My son definitely doesn't like sauce on anything and it is very annoying. It looks like he's finally starting to get over it though now at age 10.

bigby's crushing declaration

1/ If Trump starts building his border wall, he can invoke something called a Declaration of Taking. It's like eminent domain on steroids. A court grants title to the land to the federal government. Bulldozers can roll the next day.

— ProPublica (@ProPublica) March 25, 2019

Declaration of Taking just sounds like something out of a D&D campaign.

Bags of holding are pretty central to the ruleset.

Taken 4: Declaration of Taking

somehow I've never noticed before that the first post in this 9-yr old thread is about Trump's Scottish golf course

life that looks like etc...

Now Tilda Swinton, who I don’t know and never heard of, has joined them.

Ivanka showing some her dad's takedown skills

wonder if anyone ever heard from this Tilda character after this golf-related stance

not exactly right for this thread but my god this reads like a clickhole article, right down to the guy's bio. i kept waiting for the twist

https://www.androidpolice.com/2015/09/25/jbl-xtreme-and-flip-3-review-competition-destroyed/

Rhino poacher trampled to death by elephant; remains eaten by lions

Better than they deserve tbqh

Haha, came to post that same story! How about this one:

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2019/apr/06/sentencing-their-dog-to-death-how-the-anti-vax-movement-spread-to-pets

"Sam Kovac can’t say for sure what prompted it, but in the past few weeks the Sydney veterinarian has been faced with the same alarming, beguiling question over and over: “Will this vaccination give my dog autism?”

(Article would be funnier if it didn't involve dummies doing the wrong thing for their poor pets)

Cue Temple Grandin on the natural state of non-human mammals resembling human autism.

https://fox8.com/2019/04/11/florida-man-arrested-outside-olive-garden-after-eating-pasta-belligerently/

whither emily post?

However, before being placed in handcuffs officers gave Padgett a paper towel so he could wipe the pasta off his face.

wipe privilege

That's funny!

https://www.hs.fi/ulkomaat/art-2000006096630.html

This is a Finnish newspaper, but the headline translates to:

The beluga whale Norway thought to be a Russian spy is in fact a therapy whale for children

lol

just you and me
eat fudge banana swirl
just you and me
we'll travel round the world
just you and me
therapy whale

a former Netflix creative director just raised $1.6 million for a startup that sells "straight edge" water in tall boy cans and their tagline is "nothing's better than water at murdering your thirst"https://t.co/KJI6Dx0tWd pic.twitter.com/dXBva5A0uP

— Ryan Broderick (@broderick) May 7, 2019

I'd buy that.

Is there an inverse for this thread? Because I was 100 percent sure this was actually a real article/quote.

John Bolton: ‘An Attack On Two Saudi Oil Tankers Is An Attack On All Americans’ https://t.co/Dgny7ss6pJ pic.twitter.com/nvxyCtNCVh

— The Onion (@TheOnion) May 15, 2019

hahaha i thought the same when i saw it just now

Looks like we've come full circle:

https://babylonbee.com

"I'm sorry, I know we're trying to worship the King of Kings here, but am I the only one around here who knows the difference between 'its' and 'it's'?" he said after shouting for the worship band to stop the song. "Does anyone else in this freaking church have any freaking idea where an apostrophe is supposed to go? ANYONE!?!?"

from one of the few non-abortion stories

the one about Jesus writing OWN THE LIBS in the sand was pretty good, I'll give 'em that.

It's just the word "models," but this one made me go 'WTF does Kendall Jenner know?' for a second:

So Far, Models Are Predicting a Trump Victory in 2020

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/D7sj6GmWsAA30Ez.jpg

talk to transformer foreign policy

I hear a gram of American freedom costs you two family members

US energy department rebrands fossil fuels as 'molecules of freedom'

Oh, shit, you beat me to this...

EVERYTHING

This

Trump and Macron's symbolic friendship tree 'has died'

and this

Milo Yiannopoulos named marshal for 'Straight Pride' parade

I think it's a sign of how ridiculous things have gotten that neither of those stories struck me as particularly absurd or onion-esque when I read about them earlier.

Justin Bieber challenges Tom Cruise to a fight

not gonna lie i would def pirate a pay-per-view stream of that match

Fraser Anning candidate who is robot sex expert given Queen's birthday honour

https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2019/jun/11/fraser-anning-candidate-given-queens-birthday-honour

"Eating giant crab legs for YouTube has made her a millionaire, she says."

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/06/11/style/youtube-mukbang-bloveslife-bethany-gaskin.html

For Trayce's story, some context: Fraser Anning is an Australian Nazi

Yes sorry I meant to add context as to who he was but got distracted. Also I should have pasted his photo, good god.

If anyone LOOKED like a Nazi who wanted to fuck robots...

The Onion a month ago pic.twitter.com/LTdVtwD42f

— Doug Hageman (@DougHageman) June 14, 2019

shit that is an onion article ...

got another capitalism greatest hit. i will give you one hundred thousand dollars if you can guess the brand by the end pic.twitter.com/bwfJJLabg4

— Ryan Simmons (@rysimmons) June 27, 2019

lol, i thought that was the superbowl cotton ad; ending cracked me up

hahahaha wut

omg

dark
https://www.nytimes.com/2019/07/31/business/jeffrey-epstein-eugenics.html

Jeffrey E. Epstein, the wealthy financier and accused sex trafficker, had an unusual dream: He hoped to seed the human race with his DNA by impregnating women at his vast New Mexico ranch.

Jeffrey Eugenides

Dairy Queen burgers are not made of human flesh, county coroner is forced to confirm https://t.co/5aHIFFVfcR

— The Washington Post (@washingtonpost) August 25, 2019

They should have gone full-Onion with this one, e.g. "The suspect, who bears an uncanny resemblance to the two-time Oscar and three-time Golden Globe-winning star of such films as Argo and Batman v. Superman, is believed to be in his mid to late 20s."

https://www.thestar.com/news/gta/2019/09/11/ben-affleck-look-alike-wanted-after-milton-lcbo-theft.html

Newsweek abases itself, again:

Massive Semen Explosion after Blaze Hits Bull Artificial Insemination Facility, Firefighters Forced to Dodge 'Projectiles'

bullkake

Ugh. Don't you hate it when that happens?

lol I was thinking "What does Glenn Beck have to do with this now?"

Yarram Herd Services Committee vice chairman Aaron Thomas said the loss of 100 cryogenic cylinders of cattle semen will be a "huge blow" for the farmers.

i have questions about australian farmers' bull-milking methods

reminds me, what do you call a field full of masturbating cows?

beef stroganoff

lol

This wearable chair could change how we work and travel pic.twitter.com/KO8QoUcrut

— Tech Insider (@techinsider) September 18, 2019

i dunno man for a music festival i might be willing to suffer the indignity

Not sure why that video is 3 minutes long.

Man gets on bus, but can't use the bus seats because he has tech equiv of a shooting stick strapped to his arse.

man is used to have chair strapped to his legs, sits down while not wearing them, breaks his assbone, sues, profit.

can't wait until businesses require employees to bring their own chairs to work

Kids having to bring their own chairs to school - can see that happening under a Tory government <----- trenchant social commentary

https://slate.com/technology/2019/09/the-infinite-scream-twitter-account-stopped-screaming-to-talk-impeachment.html

No ice. No stirrer. No glass. We're redefining how whisky can be enjoyed. Introducing The Glenlivet Capsule Collection #noglassrequired pic.twitter.com/F4MGErsfZM

— The Glenlivet (@TheGlenlivet) October 2, 2019

Justin Bieber defends buying designer kittens
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/newsbeat-49944571

"Justin Bieber has told animal rights group Peta to "suck it" after it criticised him for buying designer kittens rather than re-homing cats from a shelter. According to the Hollywood Reporter, the singer spent $35,000 (£28,000) on a pair of Savannah cats named Sushi and Tuna. ...

Sushi and Tuna are not the Canadian star's first exotic pets. In 2013 Justin was given a Capuchin monkey called OG Mally, which he tried to take on tour to Germany. The monkey was confiscated from him and donated to a German zoo."

I learn from another report that Bieber's monkey hasn't fared very well in the Zoo. "He still has issues speaking the Capuchin language. He still tries to imitate human speech. He sometimes makes weird scratchy sounds which are not typical for Capuchins. That’s why we think he still tries to talk to humans. ... he was taken away from his mother and natural family way too early. He did not learn to be a monkey."

You know, that raises a question. What if Superman's capsule had landed in the jungles of Paraguay, and he had been raised by capuchin monkeys instead of Ma and Pa Kent? He would be Tarzan, but with extraordinary powers. Instead of fighting General Zod he probably wouldn't give a toss about him - what would he care if the human race is enslaved by a bunch of Kryptonian fascists? - unless of course they tried to cut down the jungles, in which case he would be very upset.

Could Superman breed with monkeys? I know there's a comic where Superman landed in the Soviet Union - Superman: Red Son - but what if he landed in the jungle? What if he landed in the oceans, and was raised by dolphins? What if his capsule crashed into Jupiter instead and he was raised by space whales or floating gas creatures? The mind boggles.

xp finally, a whiskey pod to entice the future drinker who used to make tide pod memes

Sarah York

Guys I don’t know how to tell you this. Teens are gonna put these in their butts.


Local Idiot

Teens? I'm 37.

mmm lukewarm whiskey with gelatin

seaweed based rather than gelatin, i thought, assuming they are the same as the capsules they handed out during the marathon.

but you've still got a mouth full of seaweed and whisky.

( https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/london-marathon-edible-water-bottle-capsules-a8889796.html )

https://www.theguardian.com/music/2019/oct/21/drill-rapper-rico-racks-jailed-and-banned-from-rapping-certain-words

As part of his sentence, he was given a criminal behaviour order for five years. It prevents him from rapping words such as bandoe (a house used for drug dealing and consumption), trapping (dealing), and connect (a drugs contact). He is also banned from saying whipping, a slang term used for driving that has also been used to refer to drug preparation.

New York arm-wrestling legend and his mom arrested for selling ‘Apricots From God’ as bogus cancer cure. https://t.co/pwy2h39FMo

— Jeanne Whalen (@JeanneWhalen) October 24, 2019

Is...is everyone at The Athletic OK? Correct me if I’m wrong but it appears they have sent someone to Ireland to talk to someone who can’t remember taking a throw in. At what point do we stage an intervention? pic.twitter.com/40QMRRCPNn

— Daley (@DaleyAFC) October 24, 2019

actual piece is paywalled but these excerpts are certainly tantalising

Guy makes dating app that features just one guy -- himself

https://i.imgur.com/CGpdynW.jpg

I'm the assistant manager of my regional bathroom

Angry Mob Of Lawyers Attacks Hospital, Causing Deaths Of 3 Patients

Members of the mob, dressed primarily in dark suits, white shirts and black ties, and armed with sticks, beat hospital employees, damaged hospital equipment and smashed the doors of emergency theaters. Some fired gunshots, torched hospital and police vehicles and blocked the entry of arriving ambulances.

Cripes

Conservative radio host wishes for a ‘nice school shooting’ to distract from impeachment

“Given the history of school violence that has plagued our community, 710 KNUS confirms that an inappropriate comment was made on the Chuck & Julie show by co-host Chuck Bonniwell,” the station said Wednesday evening. “A programming decision was made to end the program immediately.”

The Colorado Times Recorder was the first to report Bonniwell’s remark.

KNUS said it will fill the newly empty time slot with former Trump administration official Sebastian Gorka’s “America First” show.

The station is in the middle of an internal investigation over social media posts made on the Russian social media site VK. A user on that site with the same name as a KNUS producer, Kirk Widlund, posted pro-Nazi material that was uncovered by a local antifascist group.

Widlund has denied ever using the site. KNUS manager Brian Taylor declined to comment on the matter to TPM last Friday.

cool then

no knus is good knus

Prominent lawyer Jolyon Maugham clubs fox to death while wearing kimono

Flat Earth FC: the football club who represent a conspiracy theory

https://preview.redd.it/uzpb2xho16231.jpg?width=640&crop=smart&auto=webp&s=e26812c9bd3990e62eb0a0635f266692bd3bc573

NASA FIXES MARS LANDER BY TELLING IT TO HIT ITSELF WITH A SHOVEL
https://futurism.com/the-byte/nasa-mars-lander-hit-itself-shovel

Lol literally the most Jared Leto thing ever: ‪https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/heat-vision/jared-leto-emerges-12-day-meditation-retreat-find-mind-blowing-coronavirus-pandemic-1285065‬

That’s kind of an ethical dilemma for the meditation guide leader! Do you break the silence, several days in, to let the participants know?

(imo YES of course you do)

Was it Big Brother in Germany that didn't tell them? Is that still the case? They may be the safest people on the planet.

they told them

https://static01.nyt.com/images/2020/03/17/arts/17virus-bigbrother1/17virus-bigbrother1-jumbo.jpg

Ha I remember USA Big Brother when 9/11 happened

I think they only decided to tell them because one of contestants relatives died

Astrophysicist gets magnets stuck up nose while inventing coronavirus device https://t.co/wNZ8bWV3hA

— Guardian Australia (@GuardianAus) March 30, 2020

lol even that picture looks like an Onion stock photo

https://i.imgur.com/3fclv8u.jpg

https://ny.eater.com/2020/3/31/21200948/ardyn-doomsday-dinner-party-coronavirus-nyc

Ardyn’s menu of Japanese hamachi, wagyu ribeye steak, and heritage chicken for $150 to $165 per person with a minimum four-person order, delivered to diners while wearing bunny masks.The catch: Customers must then finishing cooking — and assemble, however artfully they can — the meals themselves in their own homes.

sure

Purge, party of four.

ITT shit that looks like an Onion article and really is:

https://local.theonion.com/man-just-buying-one-of-every-cleaning-product-in-case-t-1842493766

haha!

https://variety.com/2020/film/news/tom-hanks-coronavirus-blood-research-vaccine-1234589978/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJMEPHNjHE0

in other news, the world's last surviving "inside edition" tv show is surviving covid-19! we'll show you how, on tonight's "inside edition"

"the owner may have some tips to help other businesses"
um, suuuuuurrrre.

peep that text mode UI tho

Axl Rose and U.S. Treasury secretary Steven Mnuchin feud on Twitter

Matt Lauer: Why Ronan Farrow Is Indeed Too Good to Be True (Opinion) https://t.co/j3Hzdnhz1v

— Mediaite (@Mediaite) May 19, 2020

mmmm nah

https://pitchfork.com/news/jay-z-puts-a-fiona-apple-song-on-new-playlist/

https://www.pedestrian.tv/tech-gaming/security-robot-given-the-gift-of-intelligence-chooses-to-drown-itself/

Marvin, is that you?

https://pagesix.com/2020/04/24/eminem-donates-moms-spaghetti-to-detroit-hospital-workers

David Lynch ends daily weather report by recalling dream about being a dying German soldier on D-Day
https://news.avclub.com/david-lynch-ends-daily-weather-report-by-recalling-drea-1843952285

JK Rowling recalls 'amazing' moment she met her idol Morrissey

https://www.theguardian.com/books/2015/nov/27/jk-rowling-moment-met-morrissey-harry-potter-interview-robert-galbraith?CMP=share_btn_fb

music? she just liked his ideas on social values

I wish both she and her work would vanish altogether.

From the Washington Post:

https://i.imgur.com/wx3B8GL.png

tbf she's basically the onion

Alexandra Petri mostly does satire, it’s basically an onion article

https://www.metrotimes.com/city-slang/archives/2020/06/10/michigan-man-goes-viral-after-telling-rage-against-the-machines-tom-morello-he-used-to-be-a-fan-until-he-realized-the-band-was-political

https://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2020/06/my-little-pony-nazi-4chan-black-lives-matter/613348/

BREAKING: Devin Nunes can’t sue Twitter over statements by fake cow, judge rules https://t.co/JtMpP6NfKs

— Kate Irby (@kateirby) June 24, 2020

"Teens in quarantine are roleplaying as 'Karens' on Instagram, making fake personas dedicated to loving wine and supporting Trump"
https://www.insider.com/karen-fake-instagram-accounts-teens-quarantine-roleplaying-tiktok-2020-6

Lol I have a 45 year old stay at home mom friend who made up a fake FB account (that uses “Karen” as part of the personas surname) to infiltrate and troll a bunch of “all lives matter” fuckos

aces, can I back her patreon

A Teenager Didn’t Do Her Online Schoolwork. So a Judge Sent Her to Juvenile Detention.

this story is so heartbreaking.

And utterly infuriating. Reading this after Trump's 'more white people are killed' spiel yesterday is just too much.

It's heartbreaking and just batshit insane. Fucking America.

is there a thread for realizing, in middle age, that significant portions of your life strongly resemble an onion article

depression thread is on 77 i think

Trump’s New COVID Doctor Says Sex with Demons Makes You Sick https://t.co/NCNiIZ5SYq

— Noah Shachtman (@NoahShachtman) July 28, 2020

that's ridiculous. none of the demons i've slept with have made me sick. in fact i think we all felt more energized

they are good for stock tips too

https://www.reuters.com/article/us-global-race-chevron-idUSKCN24P1Y7

Chevron diversity ratio to improve as layoffs progress

Hire more women guards etc

hire :clap: more :clap: women :clap: efficiency :clap: experts

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/09/09/arts/television/jerry-lewis-telethon-kevin-hart.html

https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/ep435n/gig-economy-company-launches-uber-but-for-evicting-people

still trying to figure this one out

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/rbg-mom-joins-satanic-temple_n_5f6b3565c5b629afbe990c15

The Death Of Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg Pushed Me To Join The Satanic Temple

you should watch the doc Hail Satan! all about the ST

I prefer to have a personal relationship with Satan

another vote for Hail Satan?, it's great

https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2020/sep/24/man-licorice-dies-massachusetts

Well, that's horrifying. I never liked licorice anyway!

tbf, he was eating A LOT

wow, I guess it takes all sorts

pic.twitter.com/RVVauNlIkq

— Mike Pompino (heir to the Dolmio dynasty) (@spagbolshevism) October 7, 2020

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Em0OhgNXEAAjMb9?format=jpg&name=large

ffs

Pig intestines fly as Taiwan lawmakers engage in ham-fisted political attacks https://t.co/QbDp1NY21U

— The Washington Post (@washingtonpost) November 27, 2020

well done headline writer

KFC launches game console that keeps your chicken warm

Deepfake queen to deliver Channel 4 Christmas message

xpst

Is the “lol bacon” thread still around, KFC swinging for the fences with their marketing these days

https://www.cnn.com/2021/01/07/europe/denmark-john-dillermand-controversy-scli-intl/index.html

https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2021/feb/01/microsofts-bing-ready-to-step-in-if-google-pulls-search-from-australia-minister-says

Craig Kelly's curated list of facebook links ready to step in

https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/david-hogg-launching-pillow-company-put-mypillow-out-business-n1256817

https://www.vulture.com/2021/02/lena-dunham-generation-dead-cats.html

. Variety reports that the conservative high-school dramedy wanted to add authenticity to a biology dissection scene with the aforementioned corpses, a creative decision that was first outlined in a series of tweets by a friend of a Generation staffer. This Twitter user alleged that crew members and actors were given “no warning” about the corpses, and the “trauma responses” led to two extras quitting. HBO Max confirmed to Variety that the dead cats were indeed real, but noted they were all “ethically sourced” from a “biological supply company that works with schools.” The streaming service also stated that everyone involved in the scene “was informed in advance” of the “sensitive” cat usage, although they “deeply regret that this occurred.”

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Et9vR1JWQAIKRhw?format=jpg&name=small

okay long lol at that headline

https://thehill.com/homenews/media/538528-cnns-cuomo-knocks-cruz-for-breast-milk-tweet-during-impeachment-do-your-damn

https://metro.co.uk/2021/02/15/joss-whedon-buffy-star-nicholas-brendon-refuses-to-comment-on-claims-14085791/

Buffy the Vampire Slayer star Nicholas Brendon refuses to comment on Joss Whedon allegations as he undergoes surgery for paralysed penis

(I know the Metro is a tabloid but that's some Clickhole shit)

Six Days in Fallujah ‘not trying to make a political commentary,’ creator says
https://www.polygon.com/2021/2/15/22279600/six-days-in-fallujah-interview-iraq-war-politics

the fuck is a paralyzed penis

Opposite of a dick move.

omg

Touche

https://www.theverge.com/2021/2/23/22297371/frogger-game-show-nbc-peacock-konami

reminds me of a story my friends shared of a group that went to a neighboring high school: real life Frogger
they had a slow-moving traffic road next to their school and they’d blindfold a guy and yell “five steps forward!” and “stay!!” when someone was in the middle of the road between lanes
hopefully they were pranking us with the story

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/people-literally-dont-know-when-to-shut-up-or-keep-talking-science-confirms/

https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2021-03-09/trader-buys-36-million-of-copper-and-gets-painted-rocks-instead

Amid an acrimonious falling out over who controls the future of a digital news site that Tim Pool helped launch, the YouTube star is facing accusations from former partners that he used a cat named Betsy as a hostage in business negotiations https://t.co/olCkPALBqL

— The Daily Beast (@thedailybeast) March 11, 2021

https://news.artnet.com/partner-content/now-on-artnet-auctions-a-rare-work-on-paper-by-jean-michel-basquiat

what's unusual about that?

300 grand for a doodle but what do i know i have fun being broke

tbf the posthumous Basquiat industry sorta skeeves me out but I’m not totally positive why.

because he lived and died predominantly in squalor, feared that he was becoming a token and is now being monetized for billionaires?

you're not wrong

i should say that's not really fair or accurate to his family or story: kinda more that he OPTED to live and die predominantly in squalor

it's kind of stupid but i visit his grave probably once every two weeks or so - more just because he's on one of my standard greenwood paths than because I'm obsessive - and I somehow feel like we've developed a relationship though nothing could be further from the truth

Hey forks, next time you run into that Leonard Bernatein, you tell him I'm still waiting on that $50 he owes me.

I hate typing on an iPad.

We see each other occasionally. They redid his spot about a year and a half ago.

xp actually in this universe it is spelled Bernatein

nananananananananananananananana BERNATIEN

shit that looks like a Reductress article but isn't

https://www.thecut.com/2021/04/a-q-and-a-with-the-man-who-keeps-uploading-my-feet-to-wikifeet.html

lol. that's a strangely compelling interview tbh.

I love Disney World, but wokeness is ruining the experience | Commentary https://t.co/vobMA2IX6y pic.twitter.com/wpNmXXzgBK

— Orlando Sentinel (@orlandosentinel) April 23, 2021

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EzrK6FAXEAMPVlr?format=jpg&name=small

Full disclosure: I am a Christian and a conservative Republican, so the people who run Disney and I do not see eye to eye.

Yeah, man, I'm gonna go ahead and say you didn't need this sentence. We got it.

see eye to eye.

he spent a year trying to get a death row inmate killed with expired drugs

abanana beat me to it, but...

In 2018, as an asst. DA in Las Vegas, Jonathan VanBoskerck, the adult who is mad that Disney World is "woke" now, fought to ensure Nevada carried out its first execution in 12 years despite concerns from the ACLU that the drug cocktail was unsafe.

Ultimately, a stay was granted. pic.twitter.com/kup3Q6z3f4

— Mike Beauvais (@MikeBeauvais) April 23, 2021

Goose flying upside down is simply showing off, say experts

https://wgme.com/news/offbeat/goose-flying-upside-down-is-simply-showing-off-say-experts

https://www.sthelensstar.co.uk/news/19510480.st-helens-indie-punk-band-take-jab-pretentious-drinkers-latest-tongue-in-cheek-single

https://variety.com/2021/music/news/nirvana-baby-nevermind-lawsuit-1235048465

https://www.freep.com/story/news/local/michigan/2021/08/27/porn-collection-parents-pay-son/5618534001/

Just the headline:

'This new class of hot ocean worlds could support life'

https://www.cnn.com/2021/08/26/world/hycean-planets-habitable-scn/index.html

xp lol at that porn story, but i'm kinda with the son on that one
... but that's ALOTTA porn

https://static.wikia.nocookie.net/villains/images/7/71/Screenshot_11437.png/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/340?cb=20200430054041

oops

https://static.wikia.nocookie.net/villains/images/7/71/Screenshot_11437.png

https://www.itv.com/news/central/2021-09-01/white-supremacist-sentenced-to-read-literary-classics

A young Nazi sympathiser who downloaded bomb-making instructions has been sentenced to read classic novels including 'Pride and Prejudice' instead.

https://www.westernmassnews.com/watch-cow-rescued-after-getting-stuck-in-tree/article_cc25f1b9-c637-5e2d-a760-2e53c53e2fdf.html

(Meredith) -- The "steaks" were high in Louisiana after a group of Good Samaritans rescued a trapped cow after Hurricane Ida.

During the massive storm, floodwaters became so intense that they carried the cow away, forcing the animal into a tree.

The cow -- which had some real beef with the tree -- was safely rescued and was over the moon when freed.

good on them for getting 2, uh, meaty puns into a 3 sentence article

really, uh, milking it

I Made a Literal Licorice Pizza. I Sort of Can’t Believe the Result.

Coldplay will stop making music in 2025.

Haha I totally thought there was something absurd about that headline, or that I was missing something

https://www.bloomberg.com/news/features/2022-03-02/billionaire-wall-street-heir-william-peterffy-takes-esg-role-to-fix-capitalism

The URL doesn’t include the healing crystal of the headline unfortunately.