when you fuck up a friendship so bad you can't fix it

but you want to fix it

diarrhea

this shit is the worst

A real friendship can be redeemable even when you fuck up. Believe me, I've made some hideous faux pas with someone who's still my bff.

I have recently done this by not going to a wedding. Informed months in advance that I woudn't be able to make it, but it has not gone down well. Weddings are the most important day of many people's lives, and if I can't be bothered to give up a couple days of my own precious time well that says everything

But, you know - it is what it is. If you've explained/apologized then there's nothing more you can do. Give them time/space to evaluate things and they'll do what they think is the right thing for them

if it really cant be fixed right now, give it some space ime. Great friendship is resilient.

I find friendship is a really weird concept the more I think about it, with its obligations and unspoken rules. What begins in people finding each other's company entertaining so often ends in disagreements and resentments of unclear origin. [/autistic mode]

But yeah give it some space and distance...

sorry to hear that bryce. but i echo what everyone said above. sometimes the friend needs time to process and cool down.

i've also had a few friendships go to the brink before and they wound up being resolved over time -- so there's hope!

I have recently done this by not going to a wedding. Informed months in advance that I woudn't be able to make it, but it has not gone down well. Weddings are the most important day of many people's lives, and if I can't be bothered to give up a couple days of my own precious time well that says everything

A couple of people couldn't make my wedding due to being away / unavoidably busy etc, what's the big deal?

yeah giving it time/space otm.

I nearly fucked up eleven years of friendship with one of my best friends once, mostly by being a depressive asshat and too in my own head to notice i was pissing her off (did not help that she was my housemate at the time).

We didn't speak to each other for three months and I really thought I had fucked it up forever. thankfully, we slowly sorted it out after I moved out and apologized a million times and she eventually figured out what a messed up person I was.

idg the wedding thing. one of my friends one time bailed on his best female friend's wedding with less than a week to go as he had to take a business trip out of state...and he was part of the wedding party! they are still close.

Weddings are volatile things. One of my best friends nearly fucked our relationship by initially not including me in his bridal party, and I let him have it. It's all good now, but we were uneasy for a while.

I mean THAT I understand, but if someone is just unavailable due to a prior commitment, ya know, it happens.

like if my friend a few years back hadn't made me best man I may have been pretty peeved.

hah i worry about pissing people off when i inevitably marry because i know of a certain person who would expect to be my maid of honor and would be very hurt/angry/upset if i didn't 'choose' her... i'm going to elope (not just because of this, but because i don't want any of the drama involved in a wedding).

i'm not groomsman for one of my best friends, but i'm best man for another. They've enough to concentrate on wedding-wise w/out me adding ego-nonsense drama either way.

What's most entertaining is when you think you've fucked up a friendship but it's just that you've never really been a good or trustworthy friend. It is hilarious hearing people like that whine.

Regret is such a waste of everyone else's time.

When my dad died, my workplace buddies said and did practically nothing! They're the ones going on about how "cool" my dad was when they met him. People I see every day having nothing to say, people I haven't talked to in twenty or more years calling me, visiting. Not one person from work - no card, NOTHING.

I hate office culture, every time someone has a death in the family they can't deal. When my grandma died I didn't get a card or flowers from the office. My brother's office sends a huge arrangement to every wake.

I am so sick of working here it isn't funny.

that's awful, sorry to hear that u s steel. one of the reasons I was drawn to my current company is how professionally they acted when my Grandma died. my manager sent flowers! it meant so much and companies that don't do things like that can't possibly see a rise in employee attrition and actually be surprised at why it happens.

eventually they will miss you and the friendship and want to repair things, or you'll end up somewhere together and things will be comfortable and because of past history, you'll fall into the old friendship roles ... or not. Sometimes you both move on and remain non-friends, and your fuck-up is something you regret from time to time.

friendships are a curious thing. I had a close friend for 7 years. he wasn't my best friend, but he was close. we went on vacations together, hung out almost every weekend. then I moved, although I was still close enough that we could keep hanging out, but for some reason we only hung out three more times, and recently I saw him for the first time in two years.

Moreso, we had a big fight right before the 'split' in NYC because he was acting like a dick to his girlfriend, and brought his Florida arrogance and was pissing off employees everywhere we went. I kinda realized maybe he wasn't the guy I should be close friends with anymore, as he was as pedantic and prickly as they come.

the things you want to tell them, do with them -- find someone else.

I lost a close friend a few years ago by getting very drunk on my birthday and saying something which he didn't appreciate. I genuinely don't know what I said though, I can't remember and he wouldn't tell me, only that he didn't want anything to do with me any more. I don't have any idea what it could have been because he was one of the best friends I've ever had and I had no ill-will or nasty feelings towards him at all. I wasn't prepared to be insincere enough to apologise for something I couldn't recall, and I think he accepted that, but I don't see him at all any more except when we run into each other at gigs and avoid each other. It's quite sad though, I hear he's engaged and I wish I could congratulate him etc but obviously it's not the ideal situation for well-wishing.

I don't drink anything like how I used to now, even on special occasions, so at least some good has come of it, right?

I kinda hate when people refuse to tell you what you did, I mean there are some circumstances where it's obvious what you did and it's insulting to act ignorant about it, but when you have an obvious reason for it (ie inebriation) it's sometimes helpful to let the person in on what they said.

doesn't mean you have to forgive them, but it's kind of unfair to make a decision to drop a friend without them even knowing why at least.

I mean, I could have said something I meant at the time and didn't realise the effects of, or even something I still believe or whatever, and I wouldn't feel bad about it, but it would be nice if I was able to apologise if it was a bit of miscommunication.

exactly. even if the friend doesn't change their mind, it's still nice to be able to give an earnest apology.

likewise I've seen friends do similar things in the past (i.e. say "you shouldn't have to ask what you did!"), and it turned out the action that allegedly happened either didn't happen (which explained why the friend didn't know what they did) or was misinterpreted.

sadly fucking friendships up so bad you cant fix it happens. It's sad n depressing but eventually you realise you cant fix it, but it's hard to stop trying. But you need to to preserve sanity.

On the wedding theme. I declined/punked out of the chance to be best man at my best friends wedding. I never had to flat out say no but whenever he brought the topic up I would always avoid it whilst simultaneously dropping hints at the uselessness of my public speaking. He eventually picked someone else who was much more outgoing than me who organised a great stag do and made a pretty funny speech at the wedding so everything worked out, although we were never very close after that. Neither of has ever mentioned the wedding and he's never flat out said that he wanted me to be best man. Not sure I regret it though, I guess I wasn't a good enough friend to make myself miserable for months before his wedding worrying about being best man.

i know of a certain person who would expect to be my maid of honor and would be very hurt/angry/upset

you're damn right i'll be pissed

being a best man is easy tho - ive done it twice now & it doesnt really involve "months" of anything except maybe listening to yr bro complain about wedding shit. you basically have to make one dumm speech no1 will remember & organize a party + keep dude calm, its cake compared 2 what girls have 2 put up w/ to be in a wedding party

bam everyone saying time/space is the key is probably right if you cant fix things w/ an apology you just have to give them time to miss you & want to hang again.

the guy i'm not in the wedding party for- we were best friends all through teens, then we fell out over a girl. we ended up making up, but it was a couple of years in the mending. if we didn't share great mutual friends i doubt we'd have made it up at all. it's happy days now though, i don't think there's any link to my being dropped from the wedding gig!

With things like this, there is often much more to it than just the flashpoint/event which causes the rupture, which you may not be aware of, or even responsible for. We don't know whats going on in someone's head necessarily, and your action or reaction to an event, while in your mind might be the thing that causes something bad, in their mind might just be confirmation of a picture that they had begun to form in their own head.

And people change! gradually, imperceptibly and sometimes the disconnect isn't obvious until an event occurs

As such I tend to think of the event that 'causes' a rupture, often being more of an effect or symptom than an actual cause

when i was a best man i wrote my speech the night before and it went over like a charm. best man is cake imo

your action or reaction to an event, while in your mind might be the thing that causes something bad, in their mind might just be confirmation of a picture that they had begun to form in their own head.

And people change! gradually, imperceptibly and sometimes the disconnect isn't obvious until an event occurs

As such I tend to think of the event that 'causes' a rupture, often being more of an effect or symptom than an actual cause

this is totally otm

I'm going thru a terrible situation right now - my wife and a best friend's wife got into a huge spat on Facebook. Like major shit that will probably prevent them from every being in the same room together (at least for a while). The bummer is that neither me or my friend had anything to do with it, but I'm sure it will be incredibly difficult for us to hang out in the future. Also, his wife is pretty awful and was very rude to my wife. Yet we've been friends for 25 years. Gah. What to do...

can't you ignore it, both you and your friend? Because you're grown ups?

That's the plan, but I'm sure it will be awkward. Plus, I'm not sure how much she's going to pressure him into not hanging out with me in the future. I also sort of think she was looking for an excuse to severe ties w/us.

the dude i'm best man for had this situation for years with a previous partner- he dealt with it by just organising social events as normal (as did the other guy) and they either came or didnt (usually not tbf)

Tho he did break up with her eventually. Maybe take other advice

Yeah, all of this just happened this week, so I'm kind of playing it by ear. Thanks for the advice, nonetheless.

eh advice is easy. Sorry you're in the position.

worse than this imo (tho i have no experience of what's described in thread title) is when a friend just sort of disappears and ceases to return your calls...and you have to analyse whether you behaved like a dick in their company...

I nearly fucked up eleven years of friendship with one of my best friends once, mostly by being a depressive asshat and too in my own head to notice i was pissing her off (did not help that she was my housemate at the time).

We didn't speak to each other for three months and I really thought I had fucked it up forever. thankfully, we slowly sorted it out after I moved out and apologized a million times and she eventually figured out what a messed up person I was.

This is most like my position, except for the sorted out part (as almost anyone who knows me can easily imagine).

Knowing or believing that it hurts them to hear from me makes it easier for me not to try, and I don't want to hurt this person anymore so I'm going to try to take everyone's advice. Still it won't be easy.

Darin: be the better man in this situation. If she's being petty, it'll show, and if you or yr wife dont spat back, she'll look bad and you wont. Its all you can do rly.

you're damn right i'll be pissed

― mookieproof, Sunday, March 6, 2011 2:38 PM

don't worry, you can be flower girl

This I'd like to see pics of!

(I was best man at my best friend's wedding mind you!)

Ha I was a best man too...I forgot until reading this thread that I should have organized a bachelor party for him. I don't think he had any guy friends to go with, anyway.

I was told not to by my frienddude. And then his OTHER bff goes "stuff what D wants, we're gettin' a stripper/going to a strip club". I'm like "uh... do I have to organise this!?" and got a bit worried but then when D found out he threw SUCH a hissyfit he ended up not having a bachelor party at all lol.

i have been in several wedding parties but never a best man, which is fine with me. unexpectedly, i give the best toasts ever.

i am currently engaged in my biggest-ever friendship (among other things) fuckup; not sure if the friendship is irreparable yet.

a lot of this stuff seems to be best man related

i was best man at friend's wedding, but refused to do a speech due to panic attack and was generally useless anyway. still mates with dude but his wife has never spoken to me since (~9 or so years ago)

that wife is lame

yeah i mean tbf i was pathetic that day and she had right to be narky but i was v supportive of both of them during all their r/ship and engagement ups and downs and got no props for that :(

Yeah that blows :(

When I was saying way upthread that Ive made faux pas that somehow didnt fuck up my friendship and I was lucky, it was also related to same said person and their wedding. In that, I was told in strict confidence they were getting married (eloping basically) and very very few ppl knew... I confided excitedly in someone I rhought I trusted and the whole thing got out of hand. D's wife was FUCKING FURIOUS and how I came out of that not blamed I have no idea.

Learned my lesson tho: honor friends when they confide a secret in you and ffs trust no one else.

your action or reaction to an event, while in your mind might be the thing that causes something bad, in their mind might just be confirmation of a picture that they had begun to form in their own head.

And people change! gradually, imperceptibly and sometimes the disconnect isn't obvious until an event occurs

As such I tend to think of the event that 'causes' a rupture, often being more of an effect or symptom than an actual cause

this is totally otm

― sarahel, Sunday, March 6, 2011 8:30 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark

for real, this is applicable in all diff sorts of human relationships imo

Darin: be the better man in this situation. If she's being petty, it'll show, and if you or yr wife dont spat back, she'll look bad and you wont. Its all you can do rly.

Thanks. The dilemma right now is this: the woman said really terrible things to my wife, but I'm still friends with her on FB. My wife feels I should de-friend her (which feels like the right thing to do.). On the other hand, if I do this, I fan the flames and risk really upsetting my friend. A move like this could be interpreted as nothing but hostile and then I really put our friendship at risk. I really want to walk away from this situation, but I don't want my wife to think that I'm not on her side or that she's being supported.

Hm. That is tricky. Can you and yr wife have a chat to just the husband maybe?

I think I'll email him directly tomorrow and just say something along the lines of "sorry everyone is not getting along, let's get a beer one on one soon and keep hanging out even if it's just the two of us"

worse than this imo (tho i have no experience of what's described in thread title) is when a friend just sort of disappears and ceases to return your calls...and you have to analyse whether you behaved like a dick in their company...

― I see what this is (Local Garda), Sunday, March 6, 2011 5:15 PM

I have this, too.

Or they develop 'busyitis' where they do talk to you, but it's all about how they have no time to talk to you, really. I've been silently letting go of people who spend their quality time with me outlining their diary for the next month, but these people are generally so self-absorbed they don't actually notice.

Seriously, my only fuckup in the friend department - where it was me doing the fuck-upping - was falling out of touch with a friend for nine months whose mother died in the interim (I had never so much as been introduced to this parent). Admittedly, she didn't contact me during that nine months either to let me know what was happening and how upset she was (and this was smack in the middle of a time when I was really ill, which all my other friends understood) but instead invited me to lunch, saying she'd tell me all about it when she saw me. About five minutes in, it became clear that this wasn't a lunch, but a way to hold me emotionally captive while she *yelled* at me in public for my 'transgressions' until I was crying and the waitress had to ask if I was OK. She tried to get me to promise various things to still be her friend, but my attitude to people who try to shout the odds like that has always been 'lady, if you have to ask...'

Nobody, but NOBODY is allowed to cause a scene that makes me bawl in public. Dead mother or no dead mother, she's lucky she didn't get punched.

the woman said really terrible things to my wife, but I'm still friends with her on FB. My wife feels I should de-friend her (which feels like the right thing to do.). On the other hand, if I do this, I fan the flames and risk really upsetting my friend. A move like this could be interpreted as nothing but hostile and then I really put our friendship at risk.

Coud you put her on limited profile and hide her updates from your feed instead? That way it doesn't appear to be a solemn and permanent breaking of ties that might escalate the situation, but you've still effectively removed her from your online life.

Yeah, this seems like the most sane option. I think my significant other wanted to go the extra step just to let the woman know were a united front, but I'm confident when things cool down in a day or two, she'll see this as probably the best way to go about things.

Someone fucked up my friendship so bad I want a RESTRAINING ORDER. I asked people to defriend this person on Facebook. My brother won't defriend him and it is putting a strain on my own family relations.

He just won't leave people alone on Facebook and is creepy.

I never use Facebook anymore because I can't deal with this obsesso.

I kinda hate when people refuse to tell you what you did, I mean there are some circumstances where it's obvious what you did and it's insulting to act ignorant about it, but when you have an obvious reason for it (ie inebriation) it's sometimes helpful to let the person in on what they said.

i've been this person twice, and both times i could not give the slightest shit about what the other person felt -- i cut them off for my own health and sanity. and really, with the whole "you shouldn't have to ask thing," yeah, sometimes if someone hurts you that badly, if they can't even figure out why then maybe that's a good sign you aren't on a near enough wavelength to keep a real friendship.

meant '"you shouldn't have to ask" thing' etc, v late etc

I cut someone off once, like didn't speak to them for twenty years. I mean I moved OUT OF STATE to get away with them. It was all about her and her career. Twenty years on she's bragging about how she is some great friend of mine. SHE IS NOT. She brought nothing but hurt and betrayal into my life.

The way she carries on about me like she's some huge friend borders on stalking. Like, I'm never speaking to you again. Get over it.

"Get away from them," I meant. Yes, I really moved out of state to get away from a friend that had uh suck all the air out of a room tendencies.

To this day it's still all about her.

about who?

yeah mount cleaners, you seem to be talking about two different people...?

Like I would really drop names here....I mean does anyone else. Of course I am talking about two different people.

I'm glad you are enjoying someone else's soap opera so much! I'm not here to gossip so much as commmiserate. Since the individual is not named, it is not nasty immoral behavior. Besides you have no way of knowing who I am talking about or whether that person is real.

Of course I would never injure or endanger someone by being too specific.

Anyway, my point about the second person is that unnatural interest in a person you haven't bothered to introduce yourself to is generally considered stalking.

this soap opera is even worse than passions.

not entirely the right thread but the closest themed one I could find.

i wasn't at fault. i have no interest in 'winning' or telling everybody what happened in an attempt to win public sympathy.

i have no interest in being publicly dramatic or being manipulative.

i just want to know why they thought it was ok to intentionally hurt me.

until then I keep running into pictures of stuff we did recently and it's upsetting me all over again. i can't let this slide though. not if i want to preserve any self-respect.