Bah Humbug - The Elf on the Shelf

This Elf on the Shelf business needs to die down a little. First, you can't call something that started in 2005 "a tradition." O gather 'round children and let me tell you the tradition of the Elf on the Shelf. It was a night that I was downloading Kelly Clarkson mp3s off of Limewire...

Second, yeah I get that the whole narrative of judging children on whether they've been nice or not has always been part of the game, but having a physical representation of Santa's unblinking eye hiding in the corners and sending back reports to headquarters? Just another way that adults in 2040 will think nothing of having government cameras monitoring them in their own homes.

And thirdly, don't touch the elf? Hey, here's a doll in the house BUT DON'T TOUCH IT. Don't hug it. Don't pat it. I get that this artificial rule is written in so [spoiler]the adults can move the elf to its next location[/spoiler], but it strikes me as rather cold.

I'm just so damn sick of hearing about this doll and booklet, available for $29.95 from all major retailers including Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Books A' Million.

I just learned about the elf on the shelf today while shopping at the mall. I agree with what you're saying. The relationship between Christmas and the concept of surveillance has always been disconcerting to me but it seems central to the whole enterprise. Santa is really just a children's version of God; a way of getting them used to thinking the paradoxical concept of an omniscient, judgmental being who is also supposed to be absolutely benevolent.

I'll say this in Santa's favor: unlike god, there are tangible, material rewards for believing in him.

http://www.iheartfaces.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/Elf-On-The-Shelf-Ideas10.jpg

literally every single photo of these lies on a scale between 'mildly creepy' and 'utterly fucking terrifying'

http://chocolatecakemoments.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/christy-and-elf-on-the-shelf.jpg

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=GLo795JFfpg

would lose my shit if something kept mysteriously appearing and reappearing around the house every day for a month.

http://farm6.staticflickr.com/5165/5275982120_2b914a80c2_z.jpg

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck me

i'm imagining coming back to my room and finding like, hundreds of them, all perfectly posed.

http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/c0.0.403.403/p403x403/481020_4771501576667_688643845_n.jpg

"isn't it cute, kids. DON'T TOUCH HIM."

http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7010/6406074119_2bb9cefab5_z.jpg

"psst, Hey honey. Thanks for letting Madison ruin Christmas."

http://l.yimg.com/os/590/2012/12/07/68455-10151218281997961-887563704-n-jpg_194344.jpg

YOU CAN'T TOUCH HIM

i have to admit that i have no idea what elf on the shelf is

"Have you ever wondered how Santa knows who is naughty and who is nice? The Elf on the Shelf® – A Christmas Tradition is the very special tool that helps Santa know who to put on the Naughty and Nice list. This interactive holiday hide-and-seek tradition is perfect for children and families of all ages."

You take this doll, hide it around the house in different places for your children to spot with the whole idea being that the little fucker is keeping tabs on their behavior and reporting it to Santa every night.

http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_me8dayj0b01r755nso1_500.jpg

i also just learned about this. all my 40-ish coworkers treated it as de riguer.

I'm pleased I could avoid it this long tbh. Now I know.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bCKdtBWT0Bs

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mdglz6m5hG1r755nso1_500.jpg

Sometimes Dad helps out.

http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lwf03tRbA01r755nso1_500.jpg

Srsly, this year can't end soon enough.

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_meazfnmuJE1r755nso1_500.jpg

No results found for "elf on the shelf engulfed in flames".

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mdglsfGMZe1r755nso1_500.jpg

I like to think of this one as more of a "before" picture.

...the fuc is this shit?! That creepy little "I'm waaaatching youuu peeeee" smirk. Dear god.

http://i.imgur.com/43MVr.png

this is the thread in which we watch pplains lose it completely

i'm right there with him, that shit is fucking creepy

bad enough that the doll is MEGA kewpie-doll creepy from the get go, nevermind the fact that he's(paus) Watching You (clap clap)

ugh

(pause)

Oh, VegemiteGrrlpaus.

elfin stalker looks creepy

lol nick :)

I found out about this thing last year and it really creeped me out for some reason.

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/c105.0.403.403/p403x403/66093_254199361374007_1063219755_n.jpg

It reminds me of that Twilight Zone episode about the Talky Tina doll.

YES

http://media-cache-ec2.pinterest.com/upload/287808232407366389_djwa3QqJ_b.jpg

Take that, Elf!

From the "about us" section on the web page:

The tradition begins when Santa sends his scout elves out to Elf Adoption Centers. Waiting for their families to bring them home, these patient elves hibernate until their family reads The Elf on the Shelf, gives their elf a very special name, and registers their adoption online. Once named, each scout elf will receive its Christmas magic and become a part of the family’s Christmas each and every year.

Excellent listeners and even better observers, these scout elves are the eyes and ears of Santa Claus. Although they cannot be touched, or else they may lose their magic, the elf will always listen and relay messages back to Santa. Taking in all the day-to-day activities around the house, no good deed goes unnoticed; these scout elves take their job seriously.

Chanda Bell is one of the true visionaries behind the best-selling book, The Elf on the Shelf: A Christmas Tradition. A former reading and English teacher, her ability to hone in on the desires of the American consumer to create more meaningful family moments...

Christa Pitts is the business mind in the family owned and operated company that created The Elf on the Shelf. Before joining forces with her sister and mother, Pitts spent five years as one of the most beloved hosts on QVC, where her warmth and upbeat personality made her a household name.

omg the scout elves blurb makes me want to KILL MAIM TORTURE

"Occasionally a scout elf may be forced to rendition a wayward family member to one of our undisclosed 'black' sites. Know that your loved ones are in full care of our highly trained scout elves and will be returned to you safe and sound as soon as the desired level of compliance has been reached. Trust us, and you will have no reason to fear."

Santanamo.

Of my four siblings, I'm the only one with any true memory of my great-grandmother, who died in 1979 just before I turned six. Let me tell you about this woman.

Once when we were visiting her in Memphis, she told me she wanted me to see something. We walked past the bedroom and there was some (fake) dog shit. "Oh, look at that," she said to me. "Someone must've let a dog in here!"

There was no dog.

We walk past this couch/bench thing she had in her kitchen where there was a puddle of (fake) vomit. "Oh, no!" she said. "Someone threw up in here!"

The only people I knew of in the house was her, me, my mother and two-year-old sister. And none of them looked sick.

That's when we sat down. She took a bottle of Coke, popped the cap off with the bottle-opener that was screwed into the door-jamb, gave me the bottle and sat down next to me. As I started to drink from the bottle, she focused through a doorway of the kitchen toward another refrigerator she kept near the back door. And that's when I saw the (fake) hand sticking out between the doors.

She also had in her house above the curtain rods these golden cherubs, who at night when the lamp shone up through the lampshade and toward the ceiling, would cast very passive and blank judgement on whatever it was I was doing.

So yes, this thing stirs a few forgotten vibes in me. There's no way I'd introduce sentient toy elves into my home, having them appear over here and now over there to my children. It seems like the adults had a grand time thinking this one up, but there's no way a kid was involved in this invention process. If I'm a little unnerved by it all, I can only imagine how my five-year-old – who we sorta had to talk down the first time she saw Woody and Buzz go limp in Toy Story – would react.

The monkey with the bloodshot eyes, bared teeth, and clanging cymbals scared the crap out of me as a kid, but I wasn't permanently scarred by it. Kids need just a touch of fright every now and then.

pplains you're so otm about no kids being involved in this garbage

the condescension of it really pisses me off

I can guarantee you NO KIDS were included in the development of this thing.

http://www.mikecornelison.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/joe-biden-cymbal-crashing-monkey.gif

i am *this* close to flagging u for that JF

JERK I HATE U

Beeps' least favorite part of Toy Story 3 -- and that includes the part where all the toys are nearly incinerated.

That toy-guilt stuff ruins Toy Story imho. Can't the toys have an adventure without continually being under threat of getting chucked out, imprisoned, given away to bad kids or violated in one of dozens of ways? It's like fucking Vietnam. None of my children enjoyed Toy Story 3 because they were so stressed out about the continual threats of torture etc on the main characters.

As for the Elf on the Shelf, I've ignored the "naughty or nice" part of the Santa yarn with my children. It's only little kids who believe in Santa anyway so why give them more stuff to worry about? I am a hippy though.

Ugh my mother in law brought this up on the weekend - apparently all her friends' grandkids have one; I can only assume we will receive one as a gift from her eventually. My kids are too little for it still but even when they're older this will not be for us.

Through playgroups I know lots of families who have one and I think they're a bit mental, but some mums I've talked to have foregone the surveillance aspect with their kids and just done fun things like "oh look the elf drew you a picture last night!" Or whatever. I'm still not on board with pretending a doll is literally alive though, and vg is otm about it being super condescending and just really unnecessary.

Elf on the Shelf is the new flag pin. "W-w-what do you mean you're not wearing a flag pin?!?"

really into the mensch on a bench tbh

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/style-blog/wp/2014/12/16/the-elf-on-the-shelf-is-preparing-your-child-to-live-in-a-future-police-state-professor-says/

Now I'm waiting for someone to create The Laddie With Zawadi

Second, yeah I get that the whole narrative of judging children on whether they've been nice or not has always been part of the game, but having a physical representation of Santa's unblinking eye hiding in the corners and sending back reports to headquarters? Just another way that adults in 2040 will think nothing of having government cameras monitoring them in their own homes.

Vindicated!

Also, didn't realize until now that this picture wasn't photoshopped.

http://img.washingtonpost.com/rf/image_908w/2010-2019/Wires/Images/2014-11-27/Reuters/2014-11-27T180140Z_01_NYK009_RTRIDSP_3_USA-THANKSGIVING-PARADE.jpg&w=1484

guy who stands outside of cvs all the time asking for money was there today and he kept saying "he's watching! who's watching?" trying to provoke people into saying "santa claus."

So there's 24 days of the advent calendar = 24 different wacky scenarios for EOTS. Multiply that by... we'll aim low and say eight years. That means 192 different wacky scenarios to be used.

So maybe you get to recycle one as "tradition" each year. Maybe you move to a new home in those eight years with a fresh game architecture. That's still 92 ways to fuck around with an elf doll you gotta come up with.

All that work and the kids will still hate you for this. Good job, elf people.

You could always just stage a wacky EOTS torture and dismemberment scenario over a number of days and then never have to worry about kowtowing to this scam ever again!

good luck, pp, I have a few magic-believing 12/13 yo students who are still freaked out they maybe killed elf on a shelf

You're kidding me.

Afwiw, there is no elf in my house a surprisingly low number of shelves, all things considered.

http://i.imgur.com/dCLxKCv.jpg

s/emptily/creepily

Also, why is he holding his hands in front of his crotch like that?

Probably freak out your guests if they can see his erection.

There's a rule when it comes to Elf on the Shelf: No touching.

That's why a 7-year-old Old Bridge, New Jersey girl panicked recently when she accidentally threw a ball and knocked over her Elf on a Shelf. Fearing that the Christmas magic was gone (that's an Elf on the Shelf rule, too) Isabelle LaPeruta made a desperate call to 911, NBC New York reported.

A 911 operator patiently told the frightened young girl that she can just explain she made a mistake and that no harm was done.

Police are required to visit a house where a child places a 911 call, however, even if it is just about a toppled elf. Once at the house, they found the girl in tears but were able to comfort her, according to Old Bridge Police Lt. Joseph Mandola.

"To her, it was an emergency when she touched the elf, and she's going to ruin Christmas, so that was her emergency," said Old Bridge Police Lt. Joseph Mandola. "In her mind, she did right, and it was fine with us."

The police said they girl apologized and won't call 911 again – unless it really is an emergency.

http://www.al.com/news/index.ssf/2015/12/girl_calls_911_after_knocking.html#

"We're happy that children are becoming more comfortable with notifying the authorities at the slightest indication on an aberration inside their household. Parents keep an eye on their kids, sure, but who keeps an eye on the parents?"

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http://dangerousminds.net/comments/fck_the_elf_on_the_shelf_heres_krampus_in_the_corner

I... I thought this was a joke at first. Like a Liartown gag, but no, you can really buy this.

https://i.imgur.com/7KzHxSQ.jpg

https://www.amazon.com/Elf-Surveillance-Santa-Camera-Dummy/dp/B0773S4KXM/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1511967511&sr=8-1&keywords=Elf+Surveillance+Dummy+CCTV+Camera

why is it called "dummy child surveillance camera"?

(also: "elves behaving badly" -- indeed they are, spying is not very elfin at all! but this too seems a strange up-front admission)

Because it's not a real camera - just a shiny black dome with a blinking red light.

I mean, a real surveillance camera - a cheap one - wouldn't cost much more than this thing.

One day the kids will discover they hadn't been recorded the whole time, a fake eye watching over them. Then their belief in Santa will disappear. Then they'll stop believing in God. Then they'll get caught shoplifting at Target because, hey who says those cameras are real anyway?

https://www.askideas.com/media/16/One-Ear-Funny-Scared-Cat-Face.jpg

i have never heard of this but it reminds me why i moved out of the united states

https://i.imgur.com/uLqBRDu.jpg

If I've learned anything from the movies this year, kids love festive charlatans holding red balloons.

if i saw that i would run screaming out of the goddamn house

https://i.imgur.com/8nOJ4eK.jpg

"Daddy, it's hugging me too tight!"

https://i.imgur.com/98RZREq.png

Note to any social media marketers out there: When the comments on your post are nothing but people tagging other people, you have struck gold, my friends.

Ok, Ronan Farrow. Good one.

https://i.imgur.com/EaZ02ci.jpg

Heroes.

https://i.imgur.com/6d2q87m.jpg

That's all I've got... for now.

https://i.imgur.com/F0IXwoX.jpg

That dummy survelliance camera is just a ruse to get all the younguns USED to being MONITORED all the time so the MAN can get away with the ORWELLIAN STATE

I love the picture of the kids jumping with joy that there's now a camera watching them

https://i.imgur.com/j8fPh7U.jpg

Poor guy

Dinovember is what we do instead, we just have dinosaurs doing goofy stuff and causing "trouble" every morning she thinks it's cute

Those kids are jumping for joy on the bed! This is a clear breach of household rule #34 and must be punished. Too bad they chose to enact their criminal deeds under the watchful eye of Dummy Surveillance Camera!

https://www.thecut.com/2017/08/cognition-builders-family-intervention-parenting-help-adhd.html

For God's sakes, let's not bring Rule #34 into this.

At a friends house and who do i see walking in but this fux0r hanging from the curtain

That cognition builders story, wtf

(xps to Karl Malone) David Bowie's "The Barfing Gnome"

https://scontent-sjc3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/120204164_625933848316217_1136268561088120593_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_sid=110474&_nc_ohc=vF540pjFlwkAX_5tWUG&_nc_ht=scontent-sjc3-1.xx&oh=5a2489bc23b23c98d8fc6a9f6572bfa7&oe=5F95BD90

When the link dies: An EotS skeleton made out of chicken bones, with barbecue sauce on it. Text: "The elf was delicious, had the cookies for dessert. Thanks! Santa"

I guess that's ketchup, not BBQ sauce.

For hope in national politics, one must still look toward Georgia:

Robert Leonard, a judge in metropolitan Atlanta, is doing what he can to stop the tyranny of the Christmas tradition of “Elf on the Shelf,” issuing an order banning the tiny creatures from sitting and spying, then dropping lumps of coal in the stockings of mischievous kids in Cobb County.

tackling the important issues

He’s got my vote!

You will hide when I say you must hide
Elf on the Shelf

I was born for spying!