thread of TOM SWIFTIES

or my own definition thereof.

"Why don't we play a board game then?" I countered

"There's nothing wrong with smoking during pregnancy!" Mother fumed

"I suppose you can come in," the bouncer admitted.

"It's not my fault I suffer from strabismus," I said crossly.

"She makes my heart skip a beat," Art murmured.

"I'm afraid this smacks of Orientalism," Edward said.

create your own tom swifty

"What a beautiful country scene!" babbled Brooke.

"Come to think of it," gushed Peter, "she's quite a lively lady, at bottom."

"But I wanted to go on that march!" I protested.

"I'm sick to death of all these free parties!" Mandy raved.

"Turn me back into an ogre at once!" the princess remonstrated.

oh balls xp. searched for swifties but not swifty

"searched for swifties but not swifty" wins said searchingly

ah well fuck it, I'm just drunkenly reliving a pleasurable afternoon's facebook, noone has to read this.

"If I were you I'd keep looking over my shoulder from now on," I shot back.

"I'd like to take these cannabis plants through customs, if I may," declared Herb foolishy.

"Let's fuck," suggested Roger.

xp haha

"I love the way you play guitar, Mr Page," he said with a bow.

"I love the way you play guitar, Mr Hendrix," he said, lying through his teeth.

"I love the way you play guitar, Mr Frampton," he said, speaking technically.

"I love the way you play guitar, Mr Bailey," he said freely.

"I love the way you play guitar, Mr Gallagher," he said lamely.

"I love the way you play guitar, Mr Fripp," he said, in New Standard Tuning, combining rapid alternate picking with motifs employing whole-tone or diminished pitch structures, continuous cross-picked (and polka-influenced) sixteenth-note patterns for long stretches in a form called moto perpetuo (perpetual motion).

"I'm afraid this smacks of Orientalism," Edward said.

nice

"And that's the story of how George W. Bush got elected," Chad recounted.

Ones my friends came up with that afternoon when we did this:

"My erstwhile mailman should have been here an hour ago," Bob expostulated.

"That bicycle doesn't look safe" spoke Rusty

"I am vertical" he lied.

"I can't be arsed to pick any flowers today" said Tom lackadaisically.

"You're standing all wrong" he postured

"The bridge at Avignon is quite clearly the best in the world!" he pontificated

"These high ranking army officers are all the same" Patton generalised

"Just look at all those football players" he dribbled

"Look at that bird in the pea-green boat" Edward leered

^some of my friends didn't quite get the main feature of "my own definition thereof", to wit: the speaker should be a part of the pun wherever possible, rather than defaulting to "Tom"

anyway these are the most fun to come up with

"OK yeah I read dayo's thread and it kicks the shit out of this one", he pwned up

^I no longer agree with this

"Step on it!" gasped Al

"Yes, back in Saudi Arabia they convicted and penalized me for shoplifting," said Tom offhandedly.

✓

"Woah, cool car!" she cried

"Iknewyouweretroublewhenyouwalkedin," said Taylor swiftly.

"I'm wounded", he said woundedly

(why I'm no good at trad swifties)

"You sure are tying me up nice and tight," he said woundedly

"I'm a well-balanced individual," elmer said woundedly

"C'mon, Harry, you have to go out with me," Tom mandated.

"I'm my own grandma!" said Tina self-aggrandizingly.

"Hey, aren't you the guy who wrote 'Walk the Dinosaur?'"

Don Was.

"What would your Pet Shop Boys album be called," Tom said blankly.

"I commented," I commented.

"I can't play guitar," Tom fretted sadly.

"'I am taking the prisoner downstairs,' said Tom condescendingly" is among the best I've ever encountered.

A few more:

"I'd like a small soda," said Tom coquettishly.

"Thank you for letting me borrow your London apartment," said Tom flatulently.

"Then bake another cake!" Tom retorted.

"i'm too chicken to do it," Henrisk avers.

✓²

"Why is there a DJ spinning records at the campsite?" asked Tom discontentedly.

"Don't tell anyone, but I am going to pour a flavorful condiment on these pancakes," said Tom surreptitiously.

"My phone does everything!" he applauded.

"Getting the smartest people in the world all in one place is a thing of the past," thought Tank.

"The arctic birds, they gonna fly at you face!" realized Tom, preternaturally.

"Thought tank" = objectively great, I said, ex post facto.

"We shall go camping," I said intently.

"OK, but only if we sleep separately," he said intensely.

"Do what you want, I'm gonna stay with your sister," I said insistently.

"Yes I'm in the black but I was just winging it." he crowed.

"Yes I must admit the gold cache is yours to mine" he proclaimed.

"Don't tell me you need me to get the stripped screw out AGAIN" he replied.

"That old knight is awfully stingy," Tom surmised.

"This stomach workout is so difficult it could blow up a ship and kill its passengers," said Tom, absent-minededly.

"I'm not drowning in the longest river in the world" gasped Tom in denial.

"This place is one of the best hotels in Copenhagen, and right by the gardens too," said Tom, ruminatively.

"Borrowing your dog for the weekend was a mistake," said Tom petulantly.

"I think I'm a cranky old man," Tom cogitated.

"I love singing along to these Torme records," said Tom mellifluously.

"Get these food containers onto the ship," said Tom cantankerously.

"My mother's sister is sick," said Tom fluently.

"What I am saying accords humorously with the manner of my speaking" said Tom swiftly.

"It's the totally tropical taste" sang Tom liltingly.

"every boot is customized to the man," he persueded

"The Avengers movies are so good, I'll never watch a Batman movie again!" Tom marvelled.

"Nobody's making you watch—the exit's over there!" Dom pointed out.

"But I spent my last dollar crossing the bridge to get here, and I won't be allowed to leave unless I get another $5," Tom was told.

"Yeah right! You probably jumped off the side to skip the fare," Dom alleged.

"Does my bum look big in this?" Kylie asseverated.

"I hate 8-year-olds," he said benignly.

"Marshall Mathers is gay! Buy his record!" I said, ad hominem.

"will you stop blowing patchouli in my face!?" Tom was incensed.

"I exercise a lot," Tom intoned.

"Then bake another cake!" Tom retorted.

"Your dog is sexy," Tom said huskily.

"I'm not sure if I should do this, I don't have the right glasses on" said the mohel circumspectly.

"I had some real fun with Mary under these bleachers," he remembered fondly.

"Prizes for our second- and third-place contestants provided by Aleve," announced Johnny, inadvertently jeopardizing himself.

"may I have another slice of square sausage?" he asked forlornly

http://www.sesamomessina.com/spunta.jpg

"I guess I have to mix flour and butter together," said Tom rouxfully.

Or, I guess,

"You'll wear your roux with a difference," said Ophelia saucily.

not sure if this exactly fits but

Jim responded that he wasn't interested in fried chicken at this time, but he asked that they keep him abreast.

"I deserve a knighthood" Dec orated.
"The best baseball team in the country" Phil lies.
"S-sinners!" Abe r-rants.

"This door is fireproof" he attested.
"He is looming" we aver.
"Call me Bo Peep" she purred.

"It would seem that I have won a donkey" she ascertained.

"Thalia certainly is a funny woman," Euterpe mused.

"I dropped the toothpaste" he said, crestfallen.

Thanks A LOT for letting me borrow your dog, said Tom, petulently

Damn my original run of posts itt was good

"So, Tom, how are the aquatic events going?" "Swimmingly!"

"So you don't like my footwear accessories?" Tom spat.

"These fish are annoying," Tom carped.

"I lo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ove these cheesy sna-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-acks", Hermione quavered.