how do i shot wedding and marriage

i got engaged and i haven't had a goddamned second to think about anything yet, but i do have Qs on my mind.

kinda feel like i just want to do a courthouse thing and have a huge party afterwards that everyone can attend with bands and such. however, the kind of party/show i would want to throw would likely be unfriendly to our parents and the kids in the fam. i don't know. i feel like any wedding his family would like would be square as fuck and not me/us. my family probably doesn't care. how do i balance this? i want them to be involved, but i don't want to feel like i'm trying to please them with a day that's supposed to be exactly what we want.

maybe courthouse with fam and then a decent fam friendly reception, with depraved metal party to follow?

also my best friend is a man, and my best girlfriend is my sister but i have 3 sisters, so "bridesmaids" are like a huge headache i'd like to avoid altogether

andy has expressed that whatever i want is fine, but he personally prefers as little "pageantry" as possible. lol, same

congrats on the impending nuptials!

i'm no help though...

I have many thoughts abt this but I am in the middle of watching a movie where a rock band fights ninjas so I will have to get back to you tomorrow

you could have a family party and a separate friend/band party.

ty. also is this thread title dated ilx or what. does anyone even use this meme anymore besides me

i really should be watching the rock band ninja movie too...

we got married and then had a party at a bar in philly/big dinner at a restaurant a couple of months later. nothing depraved though. it was nice. we invited everyone to come to that. cuz they weren't at our wedding.

there are so many dumb traditions associated with marriage that represent things i hate, but i also feel like i might not feel strongly enough about the traditions themselves to really take a stand and refuse to participate in them (what they represent, yes, i feel very strongly - the traditions, idk, they feel detached from their origins in some cases). i haven't really meditated on any of this at length yet though because i totally was not ever the type of person to ever sit around and imagine what my wedding would be like. i have literally never given 1 thought to it.

there will definitely, without a doubt, be no "first dance". that sounds like the least enjoyable thing that could ever happen in a life

like, the idea of a first dance in which everyone you know and love has to watch you do some dumb dance with your new spouse which you will never, ever do again and are only doing to fulfill an obligation, probs to dumb music or "the rainbow connection" or something at best - why would you ever wish that on anyone

the groom's cake, however

that is a dumb tradition that i would be pleased to honor

fuck pageantry, do your own thing. who says you can't make up your own rules on your day?

i for one have thought about my dream wedding and it is going to involve me in a stevie nicks/'70s cult-hippie dress, maybe with some kind of ecru crocheted shawl.

I'd say make concessions to the fam,but don't do anything that the both of you are too uncomfortable with.

i got married feb 1st.in front of 10 of wives fam and friends and my parents (via skype - I live in b.c. canada,they live in scotland) in a ceremony in a hotel suite.i wore semi casual navy shirt and chinos,wife wore a second hand dress she bought that mornin.i

It was nice,intimate and informal.which we liked.our reception is next month,almost 6 months later.it's going to be similarly informal.small hall,40 to 50 people including some far flung fam from both sides,free bar,buffet,dj playing music we like but that is middle-age-relative friendly,some speeches.

fuck a first dance,tbh.although I once heard of a couple having "nothing else matters" which our friends would find funny.

I have many thoughts abt this but I am in the middle of watching a movie where a rock band fights ninjas so I will have to get back to you tomorrow

Hey Miami Connection is THAT crucial.

i actually really enjoyed getting married too.i was p choked,in a good way,during vows.hope yours is a similarly pleasant time.

Two words: Dessert Cart.

Get a small cake for y'all to cut and do that whole thang, but a dessert cart for everyone else. Like a boss at our nuptials: "You know? I'm kind of feeling like an eclair for dessert at this fine wedding."

BLAM!!!!!

And so it was.

That's a pro tip tbh. The best wedding I ever attended served little individual sized pies of different types on tiered cake stands. Pumpkin, blueberry, rhubarb etc. Great idea

Married people: did you have a joint bank account before you were married? Does anyone keep this seperate even WHEN married? What are the benefits/drawbacks of each?

Not long after the wedding we settled into 3 accts, his/hers/ours. Kept it that way for 6-7 years -- by that time we had a better understanding of each other's spending habits and just rolled it all into one.

Congrats btw!

1. it is hardly ever about what the couple actually wants - we kept our wedding tiny so it would be all ours, and it STILL didn't work out that way and my MIL tried to pull the wool over my eyes about a couple of things.

2. i'm not a big believer in bridesmaids/matrons/bestmen, esp if you're not doing the whole traditional thing. just flag it if you don't want to do it. who cares. then ppl won't feel stink you didn't pick them.

3. a great photographer is pretty important imo. it's a special day - why the hell else are you having a party?? - and it should be documented for posterity. find a photographer that will take the kinds of photos you want. i think our photographer was about 90% of the money we spent on our wedding.

4. be straight up on your invites about gifts/registries/whatever. if you have a house full of stuff, tell people not to buy that shit. if you prefer donations made in your name, tell people. also there are some cool registries out there that aren't department store things (like you can set up a registry where people contribute towards your honeymoon. not sure of the websites, but one of my BFFs used something like that). my MIL told me it was ~gauche~ to state where our gift registry was on the actual invite, that it should only be relayed to guest by word of mouth, which kind of blew my mind. i think that is a stupid etiquette thing. and as a result we ended up with a gift of a huge lead crystal sculpture of a uterus.

5. personalized thankyou cards are a sure way to make you look awesome. we only had a dozen or so family at our ceremony, but a big brunch of my inlaws' friends the day after. i sent lengthy-ish (at least 4 sentences), and very specific/personal thank you notes to everyone, and those old people all ate that shit up.

6. bank accounts: this is a totally individual thing. we've had a joint account from the moment i moved here, and it's been so much easier, but that's bc ytth does all the bill-paying. plus i make a pretty paltry sum compared to him, so my paychecks go straight into our savings account anyway. tons of ppl prefer to keep separate accounts and just a joint one for the household. i don't think there's a particular right way or anything, it's whatever works best or makes you feel most comfortable.

congrats!

3a. if you find an amazing photographer who is super expensive, it's worth contacting them and trying to work something out: ytth knew i really wanted the best, but i didn't think we could afford it, so he secretly contacted this guy and worked out a cheaper deal - our wedding was in march and the "wedding season" doesn't begin till june or something, so he was willing to work for cheaper, and we also only had him come for a couple of hours, rather than the full 8 that are normally factored into his price packages.

7. it's just a wedding. the marriage is way more important.

fyi i regret almost every decision i made regarding our wedding (should have had it in SF, not fuckin chicago, then i would have had my actual friends there instead of a bunch of strangers), but who cares, my marriage is amazing and perfect. and our wedding cake was totally rad.

Biggest thing learned from mine: do what the hell YOU want. (not because mine was bad, but because it was kind of a difficult thing to realise that we COULD do things our way, and it was all the better for it!)
Making concessions to the family is kind of part of it but it shouldn't make you do anything you don't want to.

We didn't have a first dance either because what the hell even is that? Don't bother with bridesmaids if you don't want to, it's not like they do anything (sorry bridesmaids).

It's a great excuse to have a mad cake so do that obv.

I think you'll work out what you want, what you'll have to keep your/his folks a bit happier, etc. If you want to involve them you could give them a task to do or invite them to, idk, be witnesses or something?

btw I've never had a joint bank account in 9 years of marriage.

Whether or not to invite kids can be a difficult one but I have no problem with saying no kids, it's not like the kids partic enjoy it anyway.

a day that's supposed to be exactly what we want

this is the problem right here, a wedding is decidedly NOT supposed to be exactly what you want. the wedding is for your family, the entire rest of your life together is for you, pretty fair division as far as I'm concerned.

Sunny and I had a month to put together this once-in-a-lifetime event. Had in the lobby of this "historic" hotel (that's now government housing.) No bridesmaids. No best men. No DJ or band. No professional photographer. Cake, we did have cake though.

And I have to say, it was one of the best weddings I've been to. Just wish I could've enjoyed it a little more rather than posing for 100000000 photos with different combinations of our extended broken families.

We've just got the one account now. There was too much robbing Peter to pay Paul going on, writing checks to ourselves from one bank to another to cover something.

You know I work for a bridal magazine, right? Here's a wedding that was pretty metal, at least for a couple of blue-bloods. The bride even wore black.

this is the problem right here, a wedding is decidedly NOT supposed to be exactly what you want. the wedding is for your family, the entire rest of your life together is for you, pretty fair division as far as I'm concerned.

― Guayaquil (eephus!),

this makes me sad & is what i hate about weddings. my sister is getting married in a year and i hope my parents don't ruin the wedding with demands. (they won't!) why is it ok for parents and in-laws to feel entitled to have what they want even if it makes everyone important miserable and poor. i like the courthouse wedding ---> reception ---> depraved metal party idea. i think roxy answered her own question.

Roxy I'm super happy for you and as a gift, I will give you 0 advice about how to do your wedding. Just do it however you want.

I'll have a decade of marriage under my belt in December, and I'll refrain from giving advice about that too. Just do what works for you without handwringing or remorse. It's your life! Enjoy it!! Cheers to you both!

congrats!

i had a pretty great wedding experience, semi-traditional in a lot of ways but we tailored every aspect of it that we could to stuff we like, stuff we knew our friends/family would enjoy, in terms of location/food/ceremony/music. i think my best advice would be: indulge yourself, but remember that you don't wanna look around that day and see half of your loved ones bored or rolling their eyes or leaving early (unless they're old jerks and you don't care what they think or w/e). it's so much more fun to just keep the good vibes going and see everyone else enjoying themselves as much as you are, y'know?

also, i'm glad i just programmed all the music for my wedding (again, balancing what i like with what people would actually enjoy and dance to) and didn't try to get a band or anything. i feel like turning it into a concert or something would turn it into a hassle and not the kind of wedding day i'd wanna have -- you take so much time preparing, and it goes by quickly, it's more fun to be able to just hang out and talk and eat and dance with as many people as you can while they're all there. maybe you could do a day wedding and then an after-party/concert thing at a nearby club, or a show the next day or something?

our wedding was on t.v. so i had this guy dupe a zillion vhs copies of it and we gave one to everyone at the party we had after the fact. great party favor. if you had a wedding before a party (a wedding that not too many people go to like at a courthouse) you could film it and give everyone a dvd of it. cuz nobody has a vcr anymore.

https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/521462_10151590483387137_792656380_n.jpg

A wedding may seem like its all about you two, but really the whole point of doing it is that you do it publically and include your community in what you are doing and what you're saying to each other about your futures and your commitment to each other. It's up to you guys to define who is in your community, but if you end up making family members feel like they are being held at arm's length, they'll feel it, and you should be prepared to live with having defined them as less important to you than your present set of friends. Sometimes that is the correct approach, but only you two can figure that out.

I'd counsel you not to make those decisions solely on the basis of avoiding hassle, but again, it's really up to you. It's kind of a defining moment, whichever way you go, so there's always going to be some stress over these kinds of decisions.

there will definitely, without a doubt, be no "first dance". that sounds like the least enjoyable thing that could ever happen in a life

― 1 P.3. Eternal (roxymuzak), Saturday, June 22, 2013 1:33 AM (15 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

my wife was v. insistent on no first dance where everyone was watching us; this was solved by me stepping up to the mic and asking (demanding) that all couples in attendance join us for the first slow dance. it was a great rush watching everyone spill out onto the floor.

i did all the music, we asked everyone to pick a song on our rsvp cards, shockingly about 80% of the responses were usable and made it onto the playlist, and i got a lot of nice comments about the music. we paid the brother of one of the bridesmaids 300 bucks to watch the laptop and keep an eye on levels and stuff.

i don't really have any strong thoughts on bridal parties, i did have one friend who was my best man and would have been hurt if we had said "no bridal parties at all" so ultimately we had 4 guys and 4 ladies and that was fine.

Married people: did you have a joint bank account before you were married? Does anyone keep this seperate even WHEN married? What are the benefits/drawbacks of each?

― 1 P.3. Eternal (roxymuzak), Saturday, June 22, 2013 2:36 PM (1 hour ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

we have a joint account that is basically her account at my bank, which makes for quick and easy transfers when one owes the other money or is kicking in for a bill or whatever -- i think that's hugely convenient, because otherwise we'd be writing each other checks or struggling to keep track of that stuff. otherwise, i don't really think completely uniting your personal finances is for everybody, and i don't do it anymore than i have to (i regret deciding to file taxes jointly, because as a freelancer i always owe way more than her and it's not really fair to her to deal with that). but we've been basically broke for our entire marriage so far, it probably makes more sense to pool assets together when you actually have assets and own a home and stuff.

We've done our finances several different ways since we started living together. We finally decided that what worked best for us was to have both individual accounts that we could control for personal expenditures and a joint account for everything else, with clear agreements about what money belonged where. The less money we had, the more important it was to be really clear about it.

we didn't have bridesmaids/groomsmen per se -- we each had like seven people stand near us and wear whatever they wanted (as long as they didn't look better than we did). there was no hierarchy; my stepfather was one of mine.

neither of us came under pressure to do anything particular -- her family was too fucked up and mine was just grateful that someone seemed to like me. i would say the best part was having a reason to get all our friends from around the country to come hang out with us. and also the pie. so i guess i would plan the type of party you think both you and your friends would like.

i don't think it's a big deal to not invite kids? i dunno. we hired a babysitter, but i feel like that was above and beyond.

suggestions:
- invite bill steer to perform the ceremony
- bernard as ring-bearer

I have had this discussion enough times on ilx so I'll shut up but 'writing each other checks' is like something from the 60s! I guess if you have to do that (we didn't even inthe US) a joint account makes more sense.

A lot of people are "no kids"! I can see it if its an evening thing. I dunno, the only wedding I had a hand in planning as my sister's and it was in our yard so kids just ran around playing and if they got tired someone put them to sleep on a couch and there were lots of parents and aunts to watch them. If you end up having it in a rented space etc I can understand and adult music, late party, booze, I can understand leaving kids out tho.

i didn't really care one way or another about the photography tbh, but my partner found this documentary photographer who did weddings as a sideline. he shot in black and white, entirely candids, and it turned out pretty grebt. (except my mom is in way too many pics with this dewy-eyed omg-my-son-just-got-married expression.) all those posed shots with every possible family subset is party time wasted imo.

also i reckon you can set up a flickr or instagram account so ppl can share their own pics of the blessed event

congrats, roxy!

imo the wedding is primarily for whoever pays for it, so do what you want unless somebody else is coughing up the lion's share. we had a brief ceremony at the location but most of the night was dancing (populist but not too bland - "rock lobster" not "love shack") and stuffing people silly. as far as finances go, i figure eventually people'll both be digging out of the same pot but no reason to rush the sense of entrapment that until it becomes necessary due to joint purchases or whatever. sd's freelancer chivalry aside (dude hope you're taking advantage of the expensing potential!), married filing jointly is usually smarter that not.

So happy for you, roxy :)

However your wedding day plans go, try to set it up so you guys have as little stress as possible. I'm all for small group courthouse, family thing, massive afterparty - pretty much how my brother and his wife did things when they were married last year. Ceremony on Thursday at a campground for family, we all stayed the night and had a cookout reception. Then Saturday party w/ bar and cake and food and band and dancing at a club venue my brother's band played at frequently - which blended into a CD release party for another band and then into the rest of a long partyful night.

Me and Mr. Jaq have separate accounts and split up the bills - do what works for you.

yeah congrats Roxy. seems like a lucky fellow!

your wedding day is the day for you to do exactly what you want to do. everyone knows the bride is the boss so make it a day they wont forget. good luck!

congrats, roxy!

this is the problem right here, a wedding is decidedly NOT supposed to be exactly what you want. the wedding is for your family

― Guayaquil (eephus!)

haha yeah not if im paying for it and planning it. they attend and celebrate our blessed union or lump it/take it up the street and dump it as far as im concerned, after reading y'alls responses and thinking about it more. i love both of our families but planning a wedding to someone else's idea of what a wedding should be (esp someone who has completely different taste and values from you) sounds like the most stressful and regret-generating thing ever. they love us and will accept what we do, i'm sure, so it's kind of a non-issue anyway

pp i had no idea you worked for a bridal magazine. kinda intrigued by this theme tbh

just as long as your values include an open bar

there will definitely, without a doubt, be no "first dance". that sounds like the least enjoyable thing that could ever happen in a life

We were married downtown at the Baltimore courthouse. The only witnesses were our son and my father-in-law. We were all kinda biz-caz. My kid was wearing a Tony Hawk hoodie. After, we went to a diner and had spanakopita or whatever. Then we went and bought rings in a strip-mall out on route 40. We have not gotten around to merging all of the accounts and stuff, or even legally changing her last name, because what a hassle, you know?

You got this!

yeah you can do it

wtf is going on horseshoe

give us the crazy 411

^^^

organizing a wedding is just the worst. Sorry horseshoe :/

I am having a great time organizing my wedding, so it's not categorically horrible. I hope I'm not jinxing myself.

Stay strong tho!

yay jody i am glad to hear it!

i think i'm just behind? and i made the mistake of going to a happy hour thrown by wedding vendors last night and freaked out about all i have to do. (my students keep asking me how the wedding planning's going and i'm like what wedding planning???)

i am bad at organizing things. and i feel like, though i love my venue, it's kind of schmancy, so that has ratcheted up expectation levels all around. two nights ago we had our wedding tasting with the caterer (that was awesome, tbf) and our caterer lady was like, what are your wedding colors? and i was like, do i really need wedding colors? and she was aghast.

it will be okay. i need to get a photographer and a florist.

weddings are so weird

Wedding industry people make me want to begin some kind of cull on heteronormative, matchy-matchy people.

None of this shit will matter on the day, just enjoy it.

"wedding colors" was a pretty laughable concept ime, unless you have some particularly heavy decorating thing going on it's basically to make sure that your table linens don't clash with your flower arrangements.

YOU DO NOT NEED WEDDING COLORS

also, from the very first post here:

"i don't want to feel like i'm trying to please them with a day that's supposed to be exactly what we want."

I think is part of the problem. A wedding is NOT supposed to be a day that's exactly what you want. It's a party you're throwing for your guests. It's when you put a lot of weight on it being "exactly what you want" or "perfect" or "expressive of ourselves" that it starts to get really stressful. If you're married at the end of the night, the thing was a success.

OK maybe I should have read more of the thread and noticed that I already made this exact comment 18 months ago

I'm old and have been married a long time, we forget things

We went into ours going "book church, book venue with good food, no more than 50 guests, book some way for them to get from A to B, buy rings and wedding clothes, book photographer, get some friends to play music and that's it". Eventually if family members feel particularly strongly about eg flowers they'll offer to deal with it themselves because they have literally nothing else to organise or pay for. It worked pretty well and we ended up with a considerably less minimal wedding but without having to deal with that sort of oppressive scope-creep.

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-uxiEg34jwHQ/Tp6lFDBUuuI/AAAAAAAAL4c/g1z_czNPmIg/s640/RogerAndMe_074Pyxurz.jpg

a happy hour thrown by wedding vendors last night

Child, you realize that's the belly of the beast, right? It's their J.O.B. to make you feel horrible. HARRIBLE!

Shake it off, c'mon, you got this.

p. sure we had no 'wedding colors'

is yr event in b'more? i can attest that dangerously delicious pies make a fine alternative to cake

Marriage is a big deal.

A wedding is not a big deal.

Unless you want your wedding to be a big deal, in which case that is a choice and not an imperative.

Basically eephus OTM.

my wedding colors are "fuck" and "you"

orbit otm, wedding vendors are insane. avoid as much as possible, stick with normcore crowd & you'll be fine. they're like 90% of the problem

If I could do it again, I'd elope to Vegas, for real.

Let us know when you get your engagement photos in.

Leaning towards the "haunted castle" venue option at the moment

http://i.imgur.com/Vhspf2e.jpg

hot tip of the day: avoid holding an outdoor wedding anywhere that armed drones are patrolling.

xpost wait sharivari are u getting married? :D congrats!

Thanks! Got engaged ages ago but have been very slow to do anything about it.

no shame in a long engagement :)

congrats sharivari!

http://visittoukraine.com/uploads/images/sights/lastochkino-gnezdo2.jpg

currently watching Don't Tell the Bride where they go to Thorpe Park. They may have a haunted castle there?

The on-the-door entry fee at Thorpe Park is actually more expensive per-head than the all-inclusive package we've been offered at Kinnitty Castle, pictured above.

Ireland looks like great place to get hitched at the moment.

yah but that's before you factor in your ilx invitations

tbf, i did not invite an ilxor to mine, but mine ended <2 years later, so there's yer warning

None of this shit will matter on the day, just enjoy it.

but it does matter, because women end up bearing the brunt of the responsibility for anything that goes wrong on the day -- of course guys think it's unimportant, they're not the ones who are getting told CONSTANTLY how important it is and what a shitty, cheap, thoughtless person and bad friend/relative you are if one thing's out of place.

and there's a certain luxury that comes with saying "so what, just ignore them." sorry, i can't.

getting told CONSTANTLY how important it is and what a shitty, cheap, thoughtless person and bad friend/relative you are if one thing's out of place.

good lord. my family and in-laws aren't like that at all, thankfully. I know this is never to be taken for granted and I am very lucky that way. you have my sympathies.

btw, simple things are harder to screw up. the more of a huge production it is, the easier it is for things to go wrong.

ur already a bad husband sharivari grats

Got my wedding in 3 weeks. ilxor count: 1.

that's not counting me

(& congratulations sharivari!)

you left the strawboys out last I heard can u pls confirm the latest

the bride's not biting
It was going ok till she saw the pictures
:(

surely it's a job for strawmen not strawboys

made that pun in UK ilx thread like six hours ago smh

eh, mine was better

blowin u a strawberry rn

It's ok, Darragh - i'll have double strawboys at mine to make up for it.

Congrats Sharivari.

Why not try a basic setup? Some bread and cheese and fine white wine.

Oh I never really posted about this.

We away and married late last year after eleven years together. Civil ceremony, two witnesses and nobody else. Drinks, lunch, change clothes, taxi, plane, few phonecalls, social media post of 'hi everyone we got married see ye in a week'. Went like a charm tbh.

We had anticipated problems with one of her parents in particular, her choice was to let them know only a few weeks in advance that we were doing it that way. On her lead, we dropped it fairly brutally on them in person and then after a few excruciating minutes we jogged on our way, being advised en route not to darken door again for a while.

Radio silence apart from a few proxy attempts early on through her brother to do it properly - mass, decent notice period, big bash with all relatives and neighbours and what have you. Other than that no parental contact for her for a few months, not til well after the deed was done in fact.

Everyone else was thrilled for us, so all in all it wasn't a bad effort. I recommend. Any questions?