best promo blurb ever?

TYRELL, ALDEN: Phaze Me 12" (VIEWLEXX)
"Previously available on the Clone X series. But now available with a Viewlexx catalogue number. In general the best disco track after his own 'Love Explosion' and probably one of the best disco tracks ever since Patrick Cowley died of aids and Man Parrish started making a living of producing gay porn! Not sure what will happen to Alden Tyrell in the future... hopefully he becomes laywer like Bobby Orlando!"

"X and Y are rich, attractive, yet deeply compassionate human beings, so utterly transfixed by their own genius that they trail luminous clouds of glory wherever they go. Exceptionally well hung, they are able to satisfy any man, woman or beast - even several at once. When not making the finest electro, they make the finest espresso; and when they are doing neither, they spit scornfully on all their imitators, before walking swiftly to their bedrooms, where their carnal muse lover awaits. When they are not otherwise engaged in the arts of seduction, they are to be found dancing with their many admirers in some of the finest clubs in the land."

heh. does anybody else flashback to _Scarface_?

"You know, you look like a lizard!"

About time for a new candidate -- so, these dudes:

About Dzjenghis Khan
CHAPTER I Dzjenghis Khan... the very name strikes fear in even the most crude heathen. The earth shakes as his army mercilessly slaughters and pillages, leaving only pyramids of decapitated skulls in his wake. Then why, one might ask, would anyone in their right mind want to be associated with, not to mention name thier group after, such a ruthless tyrant? Well... I'll tell ya. 'Cause we 're crazy!!! Khan had long hair, we got long hair. Khan loved eating meat and bangin' chicks and so do we!!! If Dzjengis Khan had a hard 'n' heavy rock 'n' roll band it would pretty much sound like us and he knows it! His ghost came to us while peaking on LSD and granted us his blessing, commanding us to return to Europe and take over the the conquering where he left off. CHAPTER II Alas a tragic fate hath befallen the once mighty Mongol Mark. Slain on the battlefield by the evil Apatheous, his many riffs as well as the password to the much coveted Page of the Space which is Mine accompanied him to his grave. Thomas and Binksebus were left to fight the battle alone with no means of communication with their Golden Horde of fans. Yet they soldiered on! Victory would be theirs, but how? A speck appeared on the horizon... atop a galloping steed a new weilder of the axe approacheth. With long golden locks blowing in the cold evening wind he unleashed a furious barrage of riffs the likes of which our heroes had never heard. "I am the Rider of the Lane!" quoth he with a voice whose rich tone equalled that of his six string SG lute. "Join us!" quoth Thomas. "Together we shall conquer!" quoth Binksebus. Thus begins the third chapter in the saga of the mighty Dzjenghis Khan... CHAPTER III The mighty Lane hath turned out to be a knave of the highest order and was last seen fleeing to the southern steppes with his milk maid. Once again our heroes are left to fend for themselves but they're now quite used to it. Knowing their comrades from the Netherworld will soon join them for a long crusade they go in search of a more valorous axe-wielder. Soon they find themselves lost in the Great Woods. Thomas and Binksebus are enveloped in a thick mist from which there is no escape. Day turns to night and our heroes despair, but alas! A fierce wind parts the fog and a dark figure appears. Binksebus soon recognizes his cohort from the North. "Allysonic!" quoth he. "Although a maiden, your skills in battle are far beyond the most seasoned warrior who hath offered themselves thus far. Whilst thou join us for but one crusade?" CHAPTER IV The fair Allysonic agreed and our heroes banded together with their kin from the Netherworld for a crusade which took them to both the northern and southern steppes where they made many converts despite the efforts of a northern witch whose spell of hate could not penetrate their armour of righteousness. Men did cry their approval and many a fair maiden swooned at the mighty sound as mead and wine were spilled. Upon their return Allysonic bid them farewell and wished them luck for the days to come would be filled with toil as a new wielder of the axe hath stepped forth... CHAPTER V He hath turned out to be not so new after all! Returning from the south minus milkmaid the Rider of the Lane hath regained his senses having emerged from an evil spell cast by a mysterious entity. Thusly, the third incarnation of Dzjenghis Khan was reborn! Composed of Tommy Thompson on drums and vox, Binksebus Eruptum on bass and vox, and the Lane Rider on guitar and vox the trio are on an epic journey to bring the world to it's knees with the mighty power of their sonic assault. Armed with an encyclopedic knowledge of all that is heavy and an unbridled lust for blood, women, and life itself the Khan play the realest, loudest rock 'n' roll on the planet.

The music does not quite match the description.

Sadly not Dschinghis Khan though! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQAKRw6mToA

(it's fucking awesome)

"When listening, keep in mind artists such as Frederic Chopin, Cat Power, Keith Jarrett, Talk Talk, and Chris Whitley - unless you don't know any of them or are not a fan, in which case you should keep in mind Nick Drake, The National, Mogwai, Explosions in the Sky, and other, trendier bands whose music has recently appeared in car commercials."

tiga's press releases for turbo are usually pretty good.

"Formed by Mike O'Brien and Carlin Nicholson along with Neil Quin and Rob Drake, Zeus came together much in the same way as The Band, performing primarily as a backing band"

best promo blurb ever?

besthttp://images.chron.com/blogs/askacat/hatcat.JPGblurb ever?

Once again, at the crossroads of our wanderings there is a dark, bottomless well. From this the true horrors of the world arises over and over. It is also the source of our fantasies, either dreams or nightmares, and the world of imagination in which we all grew up. That darkness reveals our common humanity, that speaks of our very creation and finitude. Today, tenderness is our only guide through the unfamiliar night now thick with multiple states of unconsciousness that extend beyond our vital need and into the unknown. Thus we are all insiders and investigators to understand what is reality and what is beyond us.