on every artist-specific message board ever

(mailing lists too, I guess)

1. album and song titles are constantly referred to by their initials ("too bad he didn't rerecord YHCIYHAYDIHO for BPBSGPM...that's probably my favorite WO song of all time") and no one ever questions it.

2 thread for dreams about the artist

birthday shout-outs

there are things you should not know

3 vbb signature pics with lots of decorous photoshop fx

4. Fan from the early days who has subsequently become disenfranchised by recent material, but cannot leave the community, and must tell everyone how shit the band are now at every opportunity. (These people fascinate me.)

5. someone posts a negative review of the new album, sparking a 100-post pile on about how the reviewer is a jealous little bitch and all music criticism is worthless

6 russian/chilean/indonesian superfans passaggly lamenting how [band] never tours their 'territory'

6. First name terms with the artist. Of course.

In fact, shortened first name of the kind never used by (or to) the artist in reality.

7 forum for 'other' music virtually unpopulated except for threads about controversial band radiohead

8. Ned Raggett

Of course.

9. Girl problems

10. "weird / funny" story about hearing the band's music in an unexpected setting (which is not weird or funny)

11. Song lyrics (from artist in question, but not always!) in signature lines.

12. People who aren't even fans of the band but got involved in the community because of their other half who they've now split up from, but they can never leave because they need to keep up with...

13. ...the book club thread.

5. someone posts a negative review of the new album, sparking a 100-post pile on about how the reviewer is a jealous little bitch and all music criticism is worthless

14. someone posts a negative middling three-star review of the new album, sparking a 100-post pile on about how the reviewer is a jealous little bitch and all music criticism is worthless

15. Someone posts a really positive review of the new album that they wrote themselves for a music website / blog, and the thread gets no replies and sends piss-all traffic back to the review.

16. joking debate about whether a prominent poster might actually be the artist in disguise due to his/her alleged inside knowledge about the band

17. "awesome" "great" mediocre" "underrated" "overrated"

18. The more obsessive/most prominent posters seem quite unable to accept reasonable criticism that anything their favourite artist does - this will extend to mediocre B-sides, and novelty side projects.

*of

19. An all-encompassing feeling of entitlement.

The flip side to 18 is people like me when I moderated a band forum. I once made the guitarist apologise to me for a crap batch of b-sides, and I used to tell other posters off for refusing to accept that some songs were just not very good.

20. Middle-aged women with kids who seem to spend all their time ignoring their kids and following said band around the country to every gig in some attempt to reclaim their youth.

20. Whenever a member of 'their' band is seen to be acting like an idiot in public, there is one or two posts by people condemning their behaviour, but there's many more making excuses for their favourite artists behaviour like they're some kind of battered wives, as if they know and understand the artist in question, and you just don't understand, man.

Sorry, make that 21... forgot to xpost!

20. Middle-aged women with kids who seem to spend all their time ignoring their kids and following said band around the country to every gig in some attempt to reclaim their youth.

― Sick Mouthy (Scik Mouthy), Thursday, October 20, 2011 4:57 PM (2 minutes ago) Bookmark

I've noticed this is frighteningly common - especially for older bands!

22. Heated debates over the quality of what is critically considered the bands weakest work.

23. "if you want them to sound like they did in the 90's, go listen to their 90's albums!"

24. Whenever a member of 'their' band dismisses an album or track in an interview, people who initially claimed to like the album/track in question suddenly have a change of heart. Cue the more 'free thinking' members of the board lambasting them for being sheep.

25. I know Rick, HP and Michael wanted my honest opinion on this album, so here I’ll share it to you. (the first part is a bit harsh, I’m sorry…)

I am really sorry for the language, but what the HELL happened? This album is way too Skrillex/smurfs on steroids/alien party-inspired! There is a distinctive autotune overkill in almost every track. There was written on the Scooter Official page on Facebook: ”Too much helium Rick?” That’s probably what happened. I just feel sorry to say that too much helium doesn’t only give a fun effect to your voice, it can cause the brain to malfunction too.

This feels like picking a fight with the love of your life, and it saddens me. I know you can do so much better. I have loved Scooter music for 17 years now because Scooter always makes me happy. My first memory is sitting in mum’s car screaming my head off: MOVE YOUR ASS!!!! No matter what mood I was in, Scooter always makes me happy. This made me cry. I have always found a way to justify my “weird” taste in music. My friends pick on me (in a friendly matter of course) for being stuck in the 90s. “Scooter, haha, are they still playing???” I always shut them up with playing a killer tune that make them gasp for air. Which track am I going to shut them up with this time? Sugary dip could have worked, except “Have you ever been mellow” have been covered to death already. Have you ever been mellow? Yeah, but I never thought Scooter were the ones that would cause it.

I feel empty, depressed, battered. I just want to close my eyes and pretend it never happened. Please guys, wake up from this inspiration drainage. Go back to making banging tunes that sell thousands of copies. That is played to death in local radios all over the globe. What you used to do best. Why leave a success formula once you have obtained it? It is like ruining Coca Cola. C’est bleu and Summer Dream are the only highlights on the whole album. It is the closest I’ll come to feeling proud of this album. Still far away from that feeling though. Somewhat it feels like these were the only two tracks you couldn’t fit on the last album, so you chucked it onto this one. Why not stick to that? Yeah, used to not be too fond of jump either, but I’ve kinda gotten used to it now. This style…what to call it?... I’ll never get used to this, sorry. Never.

How is it supposed to be right when 8 tracks into the album, you have to pause it to get painkillers for the sudden headache that appeared? I said this feels like picking a fight with the love of your life. I still feel like that. I feel drained, yelled at, yelled back at, lonely, sad, and wondering what the hell happens now. It’s not a good feeling at all. The constant nagging feeling – so this is it? Is this the end of my 17 year old love relationship to Scooter music? Will all I ever be left with be the good memories from old times? From the concert we had together last weekend that made me smile, even though it was hot as hell, and the Danish crowd were pushing like madmen. From the old, banging tunes that made me happy, no matter what mood I was in. That made me proud when playing them to my friends. Telling my friends that not only did I become a fan, but more felt like I was part of one, big family, making friends that will last a lifetime. Friends that loved the same music as me, and that I could relate to in so many ways, to the joy of “Hi Liv-Runi, so nice to see you again, how did you like the concert?” when I managed to get backstage. Family, friends, and a feeling that my opinion mattered, was cherished and respected.

Every artist are allowed to fxxk up once and a while. They shouldn’t be hated for taking a step (or should I say nosedive?) in the wrong direction. Everyone makes mistakes. The difference is whether you learn from your mistakes or not. Guys, I still love you, I am just very disappointed. Please don’t do this ever again. It hurts too much for my heart to handle. Better luck next time, hey?

Like they say in Batman Begins: “Why do we fall Bruce? So that we can learn to pick ourselves up again.” In the mean time I’ll just close my eyes (and ears), and pretend this was all a bad dream, and that I’ll wake up from it soon.

Lots of love, Lisstuppa
xoxoxo

Spot on!

26. Extremely long posts by people who write in a novel and flowery way that hardly anybody actually reads, featuring musical terms and words that the poster clearly doesn't understand.

27. The new member with only one or two posts who claims to be a massive fan of the band in question, but secretly just wants to promote their blog.

28. One-upmanship. i.e. "I've been a fan since [early album]", "I've seen the band live [enormous figure] times", "I've met the band [enormous figure] times and here's the pictures to prove it".

29. Heated defenses of the use of the band's songs in commercials.

29. a "what are your favorite [x] songs?" thread where superfans fill their lists with rare, unreleased tracks (usually rough demos leaked against the artist's consent) that are nowhere near as good as the artist's authorized work.

29a. mass outrage when favorite demos and live tracks don't make it onto the album ("why wasn't I consulted!?")

(30 & 30a, should be)

Ha, I was once consulted re which demo / live track should go on an album! They listened! I had to send them mp3 bootlegs of said song cos they couldn't remember how it went!

ooh, what band (or do you not want to say)?

was it Starsailor

Haha! It was the really obvious one. Like, too obvious.

People linking to their own band's music on myspace.

32. Assumption that any serious fan is familiar with most of the extant bootlegs

33. People show up to ask fairly reasonable questions about the band, get savaged by regulars who have seen the question too many times before
34. Artist eventually takes down message board due to an over-abundance of number 4

35. Participants seem considerably more interested in talking about obscure and very different side projects by band members than other bands who do actually sound like the band they love.

Participants seem considerably more interested in talking about obscure and very different side projects by band members than other bands who do actually sound like the band they love

Nothing wrong with that, why would you want to engage in chat about some other band who sound like your faves but aren't as good?

500 posts by Saturday

X-Post: Because they are good too?

36. One user that always seems more interested in their post count than actually saying anything of substance, as if they feel a higher post count gives their posts (which are often unneccessary) substance and compensates for a lack of anything to say.

Whereas you like the Decca/Jonathan King album best, right?

The person who would prefer their debut album(or the last one with the Ray Wilson for that matter) would be considered the loonie of that board. :)

This was such a great thread.

90. on release days, fans will document their record-buying experiences in obsessive detail. "I went to Best Buy at 9:00 am. there wasn't a single copy of Poodle Hat on the shelf. the store wasn't even open yet. I was so mad I really ripped the clerk a new one. then I went to FYE (50-mile round trip)..." they'll tally up the number of stores that carry the record and the ones that don't, and brag about buying multiple copies to give away to friends (I already had 2 copies, including the one I got on preorder, but the one copy I saw at FYE look so lonely, I just had to buy it").

if they buy the album on preorder, someone will post comical pics where they're hugging and kissing the package as it arrives, then photograph the contents (promo t-shirt, bonus concert DVD, individual scans of each page of the booklet) upon opening it. the thread will devolve into a lengthy debate about why the liner notes don't include any lyrics, and it will be several days before they start discussing the actual music.

91 lengthy treatise about how artist x has informed and in some instances been informed by poster's longtime eating disorder

92 ultimately abortive attempts to forcibly crosspollinate the names of band members with popular internet memes

93 one person from mexico and one from brazil who gets really upset about ppl not spelling it brasil

94. a week before the album's release, there's a thread where fans speculate about the 30-second Amazon clips and rank them from favorite to least favorite. someone rips the audio and shares it with people so they can put it on their iPods. a few voices of reason says it's impossible to properly judge a song by a 30-second clip, but they are just spoiling the fun.

95 forum lore surrounding nubile ex-poster known to have had close encounter with lascivious band member about whether they did actually fuck and if so in what way, americans attempting to convey this via baseball metaphors to ppl who don't know what baseball is

96. a poster who claims to know how the music industry works and is constantly coming up with ways the band could make more money and reach more fans if only they were smart enough to take his insider advice.

97 said poster constantly calculates artists's paltry spotify royalties, attempts to denominate this in lbs of birdfeed and how many of his birds would die every month on such a derisory amount of food

98. a "shameless self-promotion" board that's mostly just links to their own awful youtube covers of "fan favorite" songs

lol nakh

99 paypal forum funding drive based around the conceit that a band member will have to be forcibly kidnapped and ransomed if cash is not forthcoming, solitary female member who finds this to be in poor taste

I think about half of these things actually took place on ILM's own Loutallica thread.

this last batch is so great!

lol at picking Poodle Hat for that example, I think I was one of those people with Bad Hair Day or Running With Scissors.

33. People show up to ask fairly reasonable questions about the band, get savaged by regulars who have seen the question too many times before

my first ever internet experience was this! my family got AOL when i was 14 and i went to their "beatles" message board to ask what john lennon was saying at the end of 'free as a bird.' the only responses i got were like 'ugh, not this again, this has been debated a thousand times already this year, did you JUST start reading the board or something?' so i never did find out. :(

Lennon is mumbling "freebird" while McCartney is playing IIRC.

100. The one poster who keeps posting images of his vinyl collection, making a point of how certain items are rare/autographed/come from a different country and therefore the packaging is slightly different because it has the name of a different record company on it or the copyright spiel on the label is in a different language.

101. "I have a massive collection of vinyl from over 30 countries! How dare you criticise my awful and completely wrong opinion of the bands new single!"

102. Poster on the forum of an older, established band who released their albums when vinyl was the primary format mentions that he doesn't actually care for vinyl and that he's increasingly going digital for convenience. Opinion is seen as complete sacrilege... "but it's better! the artwork! it sounds warmer!"

103. Young member of the forum, possibly brainwashed into liking said band/artists by his/her middle aged divorcee parents, who take him/her to gigs by said band/artist simply to have someone to go with because the realities of parenthood and work have decreased their social circles significantly, makes occasional posts about how he/she finds the 60+ year old singer/keyboardist/bassist attractive.

104. On the forum of an older, established band: a middle-aged poster who enjoys spending his evenings getting absolutely rat-arsed, logging onto the forum of his favourite band, and arguing with or insulting everyone he possibly can.

105. The person who isn't a moderator, but somehow thinks they're a moderator. So you think my signature is too big or too long, do you? Fuck off.

106. Fans of the earlier stuff and the later stuff lock horns. Fans of the later stuff accuse the fans of the earlier stuff of being nostalgic and precious, and that the band/artist has moved on and has left them behind, fans of the earlier stuff tell the fans of the later stuff that they weren't there at the time and you just wouldn't understand, man.

107. Journalists or critics who have even dared to write a middling or bad review of a bands/artists gigs or albums are immediately noted down by hardcore fans who can't take the slightest bit of criticism regarding the work of their favourite band/artists and are mentioned frequently on the boards as an example of someone who "has it in" for the band/artist.

108. "Let's flood the comment box of this review with comments to show this idiot critic just how wrong his or her opinion really is!"

109. "Have you seen what this dickhead has written on Amazon? Let's flood Amazon with positive reviews to show this idiot just how wrong his or her opinion really is!"

110. "Holy shit, have you seen what people are writing on RYM? Have you seen how unfairly low the RYM average is on the new album? Let's flood RYM with positive reviews to show everyone just how wrong everyone else is about this album!"

109. Being aware that 70% of front row/'golden circle' tickets for band's arena tour is populated by forum regulars; Recognising many of these faces but personally keeping your distance 6-7 rows deep from the front

111. People speculating about what Pitchfork are going to think of the new album when they get around to reviewing it: "I think it'll be 7.6", "Nah, I'm feeling an 8.1", "BNM!", "Yeah, if it doesn't get BNM there's something wrong"

Eh, 112

113. "It's not that the new stuff is awful, far from it! You just have to hear it live!"

114. Forum member dares to criticise a new single or new album by a band, gets immediately shot-down with: "You're not a true fan, fuck off and listen to Justin Bieber."

115. Culture clash between the Main sub-board and the Other Music sub-board, many regulars of which claim no longer to like the band.

116. uncomfortable sexual tension

117. Hurt/Heal forum games

118. Attempts to sway the result of sites' clickbaity polls/tournaments/etc

119. Lecherous and/or lovelorn comments directed at photos of any female artist/band member

120. Regular hate/trolling/banning/invasions/general animosity toward the one artist designated as an untalented copycat of the forum's subject

121. Year-end lists and freakoutery about how the forum's subject is not on them

122. non-musical sub-boards that invariably includes a Politics board where the discourse rarely hovers slightly above cringeworthy

123. avatars which features the poster quoting himself one time he shined some other n00b who said something stupid about <band>

*THE one time

124. No activity because everyone has moved to Facebook.

125. "Hey! So, I bought two copies of the new album on vinyl today, and (*insert painfully long description of the pressing, the weight of the vinyl and the sound quality*), I've gone one of the items right here with me - the other, of course, is going to stay sealed LOL."

*gone=got

103. Young member of the forum, possibly brainwashed into liking said band/artists by his/her middle aged divorcee parents, who take him/her to gigs by said band/artist simply to have someone to go with because the realities of parenthood and work have decreased their social circles significantly, makes occasional posts about how he/she finds the 60+ year old singer/keyboardist/bassist attractive.

― You’re being too simplistic and you’re insulting my poor heart (Turrican), Thursday, August 27, 2015 4:48 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

"on every artist-specific message board ever"

Incredibly, I've seen that happen quite a few times.

126. "What songs should [band] cover?"

127. "What songs are you sick of hearing live?"

128. Alternate versions of albums that include demos and b-sides from the same era

129. Arguments about drummers

130. "Help me make a mixtape for friend who only knows the hits"

131. Songs tournaments

132. Someone gives way more thought about the band's music and lyrics than the band themselves ever did

133. Has anyone heard this obscure b-side by (band) named "Call Out Research Hook," I have ordered a CD with it for $11 and can't wait to hear it!