ask a booty cleaner

i am now fielding questions about cleaning a booty

do you have questions? ask me them and i will answer!

does booty cleaning form the core of your identity or is it more of a hobby?

yes, i would say so

this is an important thread

how do bidets fare in comparison to other means of booty cleaning?

toilet brush y/n

no no no do not toilet brush, it is v sensitive down there and it will cause tears, both kinds, that's only for after the poo comes out

a bidet is not part of my suggested regimen.

i have no further comments on the bidet at this time.

Scented cleaning product or unscented?

shower attachment hose is best, enema bulb second best. don't drink any coffee on a day when you expect some action, or else just be rly perspicacious when u clean out. also best to do it a couple of hours before sex just to make sure there's no water or anything up there.

i am not booty cleaner, btw

absolutely

positively

NEVER scented. Ever.

I mean a light scent is fine if you rinse well and then wait a little bit to let it dissipate but one time a booty cleaner went down on this WASP who had decided to "clean up down there" beforehand with some v pungent woodsy Molton Brown hand soap and it was just not a good look. Do not do it, ladies or gentlemen.

xp whoa there clouds slow yr roll, why don't we leave this sort of talk to the experts

If you are engaging in penetrative sex instead of just a munching it is v strongly recommended that you use an enema bulb or shower attachment beforehand. Shower attachment is best since you can just soap off after; some people make the mistake of enema bulbing AFTER they shower and then you get the outside all dirty again. It's also wise to avoid "cleansing" foodstuffs like coffee or high-fiber vegetables. Just try to be perspicacious about it.

v sound advice imho

a booty cleaner = dr morbius, obvs

I need you to explain to me as though I were two years old what "shower attachment" is.

I mean for real, what do you mean by this.

Also I am still waiting for someone to tell me what exactly is "eating" vs. "snacking" which I take to mean the same as "munching"?

also need physician/nurse of ILX to explain where the poo hangs out before exit. I mean is the rectum all clear and poo hangs out in the colon before pooping or is poo in the rectum?

I know not my own bum, clearly.

dean gulberry to thread

a little hose that attaches to the shower head with a thin nozzle that you can use to clean out with -- obviously you'd want to go to the bathroom normally before hosing just so you don't make your shower/tub nasty

the only hotel room i've ever stayed in that had a bidet was in HAVANA

troo

I am not a nurse but the rectum is not always clear no. It can hang out in there.

Also, and this is interesting, gay men seem to go through a lot of prep for this whereas I think it's often less planned for straights. I mean, from what I've heard, it can often be a spur of the moment oh we're gonna do this now? OK! type thing which leaves little time for such detailed preparation and what I've gathered from, uh, my conversations with friends who've engaged in this type of experience that's usually pretty ok too. I mean - you can't be too uptight. Sometimes sex gets messy. I don't think I'd recommend giving the greenlight to this sort of thing spur of the moment if you're in the middle of an episode of montezuma's revenge or anything but it doesn't always need to involve so much forethought either.

And I don't think there's any difference between those terms really. I believe, though I could be wrong, we're all taking about licking butthole itt.

I regret posting to this thread already.

folded or scrunched

and how many sheets

if this came up in the middle of an episode of montezuma's revenge i'd just pause and watch the rest later nbd

i think that gay men seem to go to a lot more preparation bcz it is a thing that is much more likely to be on the table during gay male sex; how many str8 ppl are like "damn i'm so gonna eat that person's booty when we have sex tonight" bcz I can bet you gay men think that a LOT

here is a g-rated demonstration of the "shower attachment" by one of my colleagues (whose sound editing skills are, sadly, not as good as mine)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nBZ9DXn1RLg

snacking is just kind of a light tongue around the outside and is quite serene

munching is a more open mouth maybe some light grazing of the teeth but nothing too intense

eating is lots of motion and vigor like a teenager french kissing a butthole

i am just kidding all of them are the same

does tongue go *in* rectum or just outside???

idk if it can actually make it *in* but that certainly doesn't stop people from trying.

I don't care how recently you've showered, farting can be ruinous in this regard.

q: the rectum is just the home stretch of the colon. Poo goes from colon > rectum > thru anus > the outside.

Shower hoses are useful for all sorts of things, though I wasn't aware any were specifically marketed for the use described here

what the hell else would you use them for?

You mean with that enema tip, or just shower hoses in general?

what the hell else would you use them for?

the ladies know.

No kidding. Also washing children, pets, anything you scrub in the bathtub when you don't have a backyard, ie garbage cans, pieces of furniture, window screens, wetting your hair when you don't want to take a shower, washing the tile and hosing it off, etc etc. Hose sprayers are extremely useful!

I was going to mention pets, but fuck washing a cat

(sorry)

what about washing your cat's booty?

i wd strongly advise against that.

I shaved my dog's ass today because she had dingleberries. Made me think of that saying "if my dog was as ugly as you I'd shave it's ass and make it walk backwards", but like I didn't realize I'd ever actually end up doing that!

what about washing your cat's booty?

― kola superdeep borehole (harbl), Sunday, January 4, 2015 4:38 PM (5 days ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

i wd strongly advise against that.

― a booty cleaner, Sunday, January 4, 2015 5:01 PM (5 days ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

I wash my cat's booty once every day or two and it's good and necessary.

that's your call; i will have nothing to do w/ this

is my name a pussy cleaner no it's not

yeah, my parents have a couple chubbles they have to clean up

wet wipes are fine there, all external, no cat enemas plz

otm, a booty cleaner

is my name a pussy cleaner no it's not

― a booty cleaner, Friday, January 9, 2015 2:03 PM (1 minute ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

ahhhhhhhhh

can someone who who has cleaned a pussy and cleaned a booty please write a brief compare/contrast post

booties have been human, pussy has been feline. It's a little creepy when the cat plops down on my feet with her ass displayed, wanting me to wash it.

how has balneol not been discussed here
http://www.balneol.com/
balneol is u+k

can't believe i never saw that catgina post

need more deets, BC

I mean I think only WE can be the judge of profile level, right?

medium profile butts

ABC - a booty cleaner

This is the thread where you roll up the rim to win

DJP knew what was going on

thank you for your assistance abc

what are bootyflakes? I've seen them mentioned but what are they?

how do I get rid of bootyflakes? or are they not something one would wish to get rid of? will bootyflakes enhance my partner's enjoyment of booty eating? please advise, booty eater!

(or booty cleaner, rather)

click here for the horrifying genesis of bootyflakes

that...that answers so many questions (all of which I was too afraid to ask)

I have trouble understanding how bootyflakes would be plentiful enough to be visible on a toilet seat. Was the seat somewhat adhesive? Was the person's skin actually sloughing off in that big of flakes? Even if there was sufficient contrast in the color of the toilet seat and the person's skin, that's a lot of skin to lose at once on a normal toilet seat! Why isn't the bootycleaner helping us?

Or DJP, who first documented the flakes?

flake ya tailfeather

Imagine a pudgy, ashy black dude with questionable hygiene

Now imagine him leaving a ring on your toilet seat

Commence to barfing

as a white dude who wears a lot of black I understand the need to scrub/moisturize

One time I was getting a pedicure from a woman with very dry arms. Every once in awhile she'd pause to scratch at them causing a snowstorm of arm flakes to float down into the soaking tub. Towards the end she commented about how she doesn't know why her arms are peeling but they are so itchy, as she scratched and shed all over my feet.

I came very close to Yelping that day.

I have no comments regarding booty flakes but I think that it is a good idea to try to not have them.

I was hoping you'd have something to say about the science/mechanics of bootyflakes.....but thanks, a booty cleaner. that seems like sensible advice.

(also, lol @ "I came very close to Yelping that day")

i hope everyone has had a clean booty in 2015

wouldn't that put you out of a job?

that is not something I feel the need to discuss. please do not negate me.

it may be the work of the world's booty cleaners that's responsible for the clean booties of 2015

does a booty cleaner secretly abhor people who clean their own booties, in the same way that gas station attendants abhor drivers who patronize self-service stations and cashiers abhor shoppers who use self-checkout lanes? by offering free booty cleaning advice on a public message board, is he basically admitting the futility of seeking payment for professional booty cleaning services in our current economic times?

ITB (in this bootyconomy)

(or maybe he's peppering this thread with misleading advice in an effort to sabotage our amateur booty cleaning routines and drive us back to the booty cleaners with cries of 'what have I done wrong!?' I hate to cast aspersions on his character, but it's clear from the last exchange that he is either frustrated with his lack of business opportunities or morally outraged at our lives of quiet defecation)

that booty runs deep

nice to see that a booty cleaner is back to vote in the EOY poll

I never got the impression abc was a cleaner of all, just a prodigious self-cleaner who was into advocacy

i've had kids for 5 years now, and since then i've had baby wipes in the house and clean a lot of butts with them. it occurred to me early on after my older son was born, when changing a diaper, why don't i use these? since then i cannot imagine wiping my ass with just plain toilet paper, it feels so savage and unclean, so now we keep baby wipes in each bathroom and i keep them in my desk at work, too. if i know i'm going to take a shit somewhere besides my house or work, i make sure i take them with me. i haven't figured out what i'll do when my younger son stops wearing diapers and we don't have an excuse to buy baby wipes but i cannot imagine going back to those gruesome earlier days.

https://www.cottonelle.com/products/cottonelle-fresh-care-flushable-moist-wipes

was gonna say

i buy those cottonelle refill packs every week and i use them all over my body tbh

i haven't figured out what i'll do when my younger son stops wearing diapers and we don't have an excuse to buy baby wipes but i cannot imagine going back to those gruesome earlier days.

egon :

i like to be ready for a blowjob at any moments notice

― cutty, Thursday, 23 August 2007 16:37

huh: people who poop first thing at work in the morning

weird glitch

The issue with flushable wipes is that they're not.

I'm pleased to introduce the term 'fatberg' to this esteemed thread.

^^^ baby wipes are evil and full of plastic, sorry y'all I know they are awesome

they represent probably the single biggest source of waste/plastic in the festival compost that I help to process

https://i.ebayimg.com/images/g/ljMAAOSwLVZVuP9Y/s-l300.jpg

Gonna say it again: google "balneol"
It will change your life. Expensive but more budget worthy than Netflix

https://i.imgur.com/xdnIcI0.png

This is not what I want to see when landing on balneol's website for the first time tbh.

What's the deal here anyway? "We'll show people who look embarrassed to *connect* with embarrassed customers... Excellent..."

who was dis

xp from the bidet thread for "posterity"

i bought a bidet attachment at the start of the pandemic in the midst of the great 2020 TP shortage but my toilet's water tank valve had limescaled shut like a vice, requiring a plumber and a world in which I felt comfortable letting a plumber into my bathroom. About a month ago, we finally had the entire toilet replaced and the bidet attached at the same time. I can definitely avow this as a major quality of life improvement.

Questions answered:

* No electricity necessary.
* The bidet doesn't use water from the toilet tank. It comes from the same pipe that feeds your faucet.
* You may need to get a new toilet seat; I found this $25 Kohler model worked well.
* First few days of first-time use definitely engendered a HEY WHAT'S GOING ON THERE sensation but you adjust super fast.
* Warm water would absolutely be preferable but as an apartment renter whose toilet is not adjacent to the sink and opted for the base model, I can tell you that you get used to cold water even in the middle of the night whilst half asleep.
* Yes, it absolutely does get you fully clean without using toilet paper at all, though you have to give it about 20 to 30 seconds to spray.
* You can dry yourself lightly with toilet paper (which reduces usage by a factor of 3-5 btw) or you can air dry for a minute or two and that generally gets the job done. Added bonus: I am finally finishing reading those old issues of National Geographic.
* The base model has a "nozzle wash" function which you can activate before and after use. It appears to keep the apparatus well cleaned and clear of clogs.
* There's a bit of clean water overspray on the underside of the toilet, but maybe i just need to adjust the angle? That's about the biggest hassle attached to use. Requires a single pane of toilet paper to mop up.
* For those with hangups about potential colonic penetration: I suppose you could, with work, double yourself up to shoot a jet of water up your own ass but given the angle of the nozzle it's not something that's likely to happen on accident.
* I am finding this works very well with a toilet bench/squatty potty.

For anyone with Crohns/Colitis/hemorrhoids, sensitive or fissure-prone excretory bits, or just general pruritius ani, i cannot recommend this enough. Several long-standing issues with itching and abrasion disappeared in the space of two weeks.

There's an argument to be made against Tushy's hyper-millenial, pro-asshole marketing approach, but the bottom line (oy) is they sell a $90 model that works and should be easy enough for almost anyone to install without a plumber. If you have the kind of structural problems that I did, a plumber should be able to fix and plug this in well under an hour and for less than a hundred bucks. I daresay you'll be able to save $150 on toilet paper within one year of installation.

https://hellotushy.com/products/classic-affordable-bidet

NB: I am a male human without female parts and cannot speak to women's experience with a bidet in general or this model in particular... though i would appreciate a woman's POV on this to share with my partner who continues to view the device as a superfluous addition to the bathroom and considers it a potential source of UTIs.

neanderthal i'm afraid you've exceeded your quota of butt-related content for the year

Hello, everyone! The world is a mess but I sincerely hope that our booties are not!

Booty cleaner! I am so glad you are still here for us, and for our dirty, dirty booties.

I want only the cleanest of booties for my pals on the ILX message board!