Classic or dud: pissing on your belt

it looks like a goddamn shit jacuzzi for SHIT

this... this is like a koan

shit hits the pan...

Normal non-german toilets have been having the same effect for my 5-year-old, which has been a bit of an issue lately.

is this just some weird thing where Germans are afraid of their own shit-splashback?

in an underheated German apartment, they will teach you that God is a lie.

I bet God would be an even bigger lie in a hot German summer with no AC.

this is pure hero material

http://www.banterist.com/archivefiles/000212.html

do button fly jeans really make this more of a danger? i don't think i've pissed on anything important since i started wearing them.

if a person has used the fragrant platform even once and still purports to think Germany is "nice," that person should be considered insane & incurable

is this just some weird thing where Germans are afraid of their own shit-splashback?

no, the main thing is German males love the prospect of "accidentally" letting their nutsacks brush across the top of a steaming pile of their own fresh waste

Do they have diarrhea in Germany?

that is one for the Zen Book of Poop

oh hey, come on now; there is still tons and tons of beer in Germany so I can endure a little bit of shit shelf every now and then

Do they have diarrhea in Germany?

yes, it is awarded to several lucky people by lottery each week

Germany has awesome bakeries

btw the true secret to navigating the German toilet is to sit on it BACKWARDS

i don't understand how flushing works on those things. not that i entirely understand how it works everywhere else but that's a needless digression

btw the true secret to navigating the German toilet is to sit on it BACKWARDS

just visualizing this makes me very very sad.

It's diarrhea time
There's no need to be afraid
At diarrhea time, we let in light and we banish shade
And in our world of plenty we can spread a smile of joy
Throw your arms around the world at diarrhea time

But say a prayer

Pray for the other ones
At diarrhea time it's hard, but when you're having fun
There's a world outside your window
And it's a world of dread and fear
Where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears
And the poo shelves that ring there are the clanging
chimes of doom
Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you

no, the main thing is German males love the prospect of "accidentally" letting their nutsacks brush across the top of a steaming pile of their own fresh waste

― a full circle lol (J0hn D.), Tuesday, October 13, 2009 1:50 PM (2 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

aka the "weiner shitzel"

When you've eaten sauerkraut
and your bottom drops right out
Diarrhea

Whoa I did not know about this German toilet thing. Such a design flaw! So. . . un-German!

oh my god1

i would argue that it is very German because Germans are the kind of people who need to inspect their poop before they flush to make sure there's nothing Fahrvergnügen going on in Der Bowels

This is why my ppl are a superior ppl; we leave nothing to chance.

you guys are fucking killing me here

btw the German word for diarrhea is "Durchlauf" (literally, "runthroughiness")

you guys are fucking killing me here

^^^^

I hope the album 'The Fragrant Platform' is being demoed on your European sojourn, John.

i hate you all

holy wow, the comments:

http://www.toytowngermany.com/lofi/index.php/t764.html

The following is an excerpt from an article I wrote a few years ago on this topic.

The title is: "The Continental Shelf"

The idea of a shelf in a toilet means, in practical terms, that you either defecate very small turds like rabbit pellets or if you’re a person like myself who eats a lot and therefore lays large logs, you have to balance precariously with one hand on the toilet roll holder and one hand one the bath and lever yourself upwards inch by inch so that you can release the pasty. Otherwise you end up with piles and conical shaped shits where you’ve been forcing it against the porcelain. Either way, you inevitable end up with „Bremsstreifen“ (skid marks) along your inner thigh as the last and usually the sloppiest bit of the turd does „the scrotum scrape“. All this first thing of a morning coupled with the fact that whichever f*cker did say "yes" to the blueprint of "The Shelf" decided to add insult to injury and put a lip on the shelf and a pathetically weak flush that simply will not move the turd - no way. this means that you have to reach inside the bog and shift it with your hands. You have to wash your arse, your hands and the toilet. Stupid stupid stupid Appalling idea.

I don’t consider it taboo to talk about poo and I’ve asked a few Germans why, oh why does this phenomenon occur. The usual answer is „Well its practical if you want to take stool samples“.

Now. I, myself have a hereditary bowel condition which means that I probably have to take more than your average samples. Chefs, people who cook professionally, have to take I think three samples a year to be checked to make sure they are not passing on cholera or something. But your average person on the street - let me ask you a question. How many stool samples have you ever taken? I’m afraid I have to say, that even if I had to take a stool sample every time I dropped I would still prefer the old „turd in water“ model any day of the week. I mean it’s like a car with square wheels. The answer’s no, isn’t it?

Although these totally inconvenient toilets are becoming more and more rare, they still represent shit design.

The traditional brit crapper anytime.

I don’t consider it taboo to talk about poo and I’ve asked a few Germans why, oh why does this phenomenon occur. The usual answer is „Well its practical if you want to take stool samples“.

I mean, waht

From the comments on http://www.banterist.com/archivefiles/000212.html:

I sent a link describing the poop-shelf technology to a friend in Berlin last year, inquiring as to the possible reason for this phenomenon. His reply:
---
The question of the toilet is VERY EASY to anwer. As practically every German is health-insured, we tend to go to the doctor (as recommended) at least every two years for a throrough (and practcally cost-free) check-up. For that, you will have to bring some of your, er, feces in a specialized container the doctor will give you. So how do you get at your, er, sausage if it is swimming in water? With a German toilet, this is dead easy.

A second reason is the Germans' concern for health. We usually look at the, er, deposit, so see whether it is black (meaning that there is blood in it, could be cancer!) or has some other unusual colour not explainable by what has been taken in foodwise. So a light ochre means liver trouble of some kind and so forth. You may also see whether you got worms and so on.

So the riddle of the German toilet is none. It's oriented towards everyday health-monitoring.
---
So apparently, as bizarre as this practice may seem to us foreigners, there is some reason behind it.

Germany has awesome bakeries

I've been in France for two days & there is nothing a German bakery can show me except the quickest path to Italy

Also this thread caused pretty much the worst-case-workLOLs-scenario to happen to me just now, in which my boss heard me laughing, asked why I was laughing, and then shared with me her own unrelated and horrible poop story.

what a disaster for poop

better than pissing in the wind...

Germany has **suprisingly** awesome bakeries, for being a place that gave us the poop shelf, and also for not being France or Italy. I expected food awesomeness from those countries.

the thing that makes the fragrant platform so insulting is that, normally, if your gaze happens upon the water-filled bowl as it's carrying your shit away, no big. but every time you forget to shield your eyes when you flush the shelf toilet, which you will do, because the flushing mechanism is often a button on top of the tank, you will be greeted by a very 3-D demonstration of the specific heft of your payload. the water will rush out from behind it, and the whole mound will be carried, Marshall Will & Holly on a raft style, by this flush-wave down into the lower hole. it will leave streaks. these, too, will be washed away like tears in rain. time to die.

these, too, will be washed away like tears in rain. time to die.

LOLOLOLOL

and the whole mound will be carried, Marshall Will & Holly on a raft style,

dude.

there is something achingly existential about watching a pile of your own shit get pushed off of a shelf by water, though; I felt much closer to Kafka after my first shit shelf experience, as if I had gone through my own metamorphosis, only instead of turning into a giant cockroach I turned into a dude who had to wrap his hand in toilet paper and nudge shit into a hole due to low water pressure

'cept Kafka lived his whole life in Prague, which doesn't have shit shelves.

instead of shit shelves, they give you this:

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3202/2810792993_77691c8278.jpg

imagine shitting in one of those

exactly, what was he so miserable about

xpost

Lol! That's the bathroom in a mall. I've pissed in front of those ladies a few times.

Here's my fun (non-shit-shelf) toilet:
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Aw5TUvbjcKI/Sc_AX08cVcI/AAAAAAAAADU/SD0HQjXqsPw/s1600-h/toilet.jpg

the solution to this problem is obviously to shit in the bidet

I was pleased to have learned so much about American light switches from the other topic, but I'm not sure I'm quite so pleased to be an expert on the shit shelf.

That said, now I have to try one at least once. Before my metaphysical suicide, presumably.

errr.. that should've been
http://i34.tinypic.com/2e3y6if.jpg

hey that's pretty cool

secret message to thread starter:

is your belt dry yet?

"for some reason, it smells like bologna"

love/hate this thread

new (ish, since February) flatmate has caused much bafflement chez sktsh with his terrible aim and mystifying insistence on always putting down both lids, which - coupled with the fact that he either doesn't notice or doesn't care enough to clean it - means you basically have to hope that there's not a hidden puddle of urine on the porcelain when you lift the lid to go next. (There usually is.) You can always tell when he's been because a) the top lid is down; and b) there's a little puddle of piss on the floor in front of the toilet

is your flatmate 5?

i know rite

(he's 29 I think)

i told a doctor friend about this in the pub and he looked very serious and said "perhaps he's got dual streams"

piercing?

the thing that makes the fragrant platform so insulting is that, normally, if your gaze happens upon the water-filled bowl as it's carrying your shit away, no big. but every time you forget to shield your eyes when you flush the shelf toilet, which you will do, because the flushing mechanism is often a button on top of the tank, you will be greeted by a very 3-D demonstration of the specific heft of your payload. the water will rush out from behind it, and the whole mound will be carried, Marshall Will & Holly on a raft style, by this flush-wave down into the lower hole. it will leave streaks. these, too, will be washed away like tears in rain. time to die.

― a full circle lol (J0hn D.), Tuesday, October 13, 2009 8:31 PM (4 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

bravo!

xp hadn't occurred but i fucking bet that's what it is. what's the best way to surreptitiously find out? magnets?

mystifying insistence on always putting down both lids

why is this mystifying?

oh no sorry, badly worded: mystifying in the context of pissing underneath it first.

in other circumstances i'd heartily approve

We got a new toilet, which has a long and shallow bowl and while it's not a shit shelf toilet, let's just say I think about this thread and JD's post a lot.

xp hadn't occurred but i fucking bet that's what it is. what's the best way to surreptitiously find out? magnets?

― sktsh, Tuesday

pissin magnets, how do they work

Michael Lewis's Vanity Fair essay relating a German fascination with scheisse to the European economic crisis merits a mention.

Right after I started to piss, the lower panel of my top coat, which I thought I had positioned safely to the side, fell back into place in front of me. Most of the stream was deflected onto the floor, but some splashed back onto my trousers too.

#safespace

the cheap toilet seat in my apartment has this horrible habit of occasionally drifting down while i'm in the act and the result is, when the stars align and i'm the right mix of sleepy or otherwise reaction-time-inhibited, just really awful.

what is my life

oh yeah, we've got a "soft-closing" toilet seat or somesuch and you really have to keep your eye on that fucker or it might start drifting down mid-stream.

"european bathroom series"

I will piss on my belt, video it and post to ilx to create the positive energy required here

Watching anvil the story of anvil