― Jarvis Cocker (Dan Perry), Friday, 18 July 2003 13:34 (twenty years ago) link
― Andrew Thames (Andrew Thames), Friday, 18 July 2003 13:35 (twenty years ago) link
― Tico Tico (Tico Tico), Friday, 18 July 2003 13:36 (twenty years ago) link
― RickyT (RickyT), Friday, 18 July 2003 13:38 (twenty years ago) link
― gareth (gareth), Friday, 18 July 2003 13:43 (twenty years ago) link
― Ally (mlescaut), Friday, 18 July 2003 13:43 (twenty years ago) link
― Larcole (Nicole), Friday, 18 July 2003 13:44 (twenty years ago) link
― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Friday, 18 July 2003 13:46 (twenty years ago) link
― oops (Oops), Friday, 18 July 2003 13:47 (twenty years ago) link
― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Friday, 18 July 2003 13:49 (twenty years ago) link
― Andrew Dice Clay (nickalicious), Friday, 18 July 2003 14:13 (twenty years ago) link
― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Friday, 18 July 2003 14:19 (twenty years ago) link
I have observed a few of these relationships and found that it is RARELY a completely mutual arrangement. It is generally one partner that pushes for it and ends up reaping the "benefit", while the other partner is generally a more reserved type who has been convinced there is something wrong with them for not being immediately in agreement with it (or suggesting it themselves).
That said, I'm sure there are people out there who are honestly, genuinely making it work, but from what I've seen (admittedly not everything) polyamorous relationships are too tainted by insecurity (the very thing they think they are doing away with) for me to take seriously. Again, this is probably just the people I've met ...
― fields of salmon (fieldsofsalmon), Friday, 18 July 2003 14:27 (twenty years ago) link
On the other hand, I think an honest and open polyamorous relationship (especially if it's based on BEING IN LOVE rather than nymphozilla cock addiction) could be very quite wonderful, especially on wherein the love is shared mutually between "A, B, and C"...A loves B & C, B loves A & C, everyone's honest and straight-up. I've seen this work, and it can be a quite beautiful thing.
― nickalicious (nickalicious), Friday, 18 July 2003 14:31 (twenty years ago) link
― Chris P (Chris P), Friday, 18 July 2003 14:34 (twenty years ago) link
FoS, everything you talk about seems to be from a mono -> poly transition scenario. This is naturally a big step, and fraught with difficulties, but IME is not how most poly relationships start. It's much more usual that all parties at all stages know there is a poly-potential relationship going on, and things develop organically from there.
― RickyT (RickyT), Friday, 18 July 2003 14:34 (twenty years ago) link
― fields of salmon (fieldsofsalmon), Friday, 18 July 2003 14:38 (twenty years ago) link
teach me to be subtle
― jess (dubplatestyle), Friday, 18 July 2003 14:39 (twenty years ago) link
― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Friday, 18 July 2003 14:41 (twenty years ago) link
― Ally (mlescaut), Friday, 18 July 2003 14:41 (twenty years ago) link
― jess (dubplatestyle), Friday, 18 July 2003 14:42 (twenty years ago) link
Ms laura has talked abt this in quite a lot of detail in other threads. she does have periods where she doesn't post much etc so er, if its urgent or something, an email might be required etc.
I think I have the same sort of reaction as jess: the catholic in me would react against it but since I've buried that (but it is still there, deep in me) I think it is something i would consider if it ever came up.
― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Friday, 18 July 2003 14:44 (twenty years ago) link
― Andrew Thames (Andrew Thames), Friday, 18 July 2003 14:46 (twenty years ago) link
― Andrew Thames (Andrew Thames), Friday, 18 July 2003 14:47 (twenty years ago) link
― Tico Tico (Tico Tico), Friday, 18 July 2003 14:48 (twenty years ago) link
Less snarkily, I think we've got a couple different styles of relationship on the table for which the word "polyamory" is used (ya got yer swingers, yer open relationships, yer threesomes and moresomes, yer dawgs n' doormats) so that it becomes pretty meaningless to say whether "polyamory" works or not. It's really only ever a question of whether people in a relationship (regardless of the numbers) are happy, confortable, and fulfilled in it.
― Colin Meeder (Mert), Friday, 18 July 2003 14:51 (twenty years ago) link
At first I thought this read, "but ILM is not how most poly relationships start." And I was like, "WHAAA??? It's not???"
― Sarah MCLUsky (coco), Friday, 18 July 2003 14:51 (twenty years ago) link
― Chris P (Chris P), Friday, 18 July 2003 14:54 (twenty years ago) link
― RickyT (RickyT), Friday, 18 July 2003 14:55 (twenty years ago) link
― jess (dubplatestyle), Friday, 18 July 2003 14:56 (twenty years ago) link
― Mandee, Friday, 18 July 2003 14:57 (twenty years ago) link
― Andrew Thames (Andrew Thames), Friday, 18 July 2003 14:58 (twenty years ago) link
― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 18 July 2003 14:58 (twenty years ago) link
― Chris P (Chris P), Friday, 18 July 2003 15:10 (twenty years ago) link
― RickyT (RickyT), Friday, 18 July 2003 15:13 (twenty years ago) link
― Chris P (Chris P), Friday, 18 July 2003 15:16 (twenty years ago) link
― Mandee, Friday, 18 July 2003 15:16 (twenty years ago) link
(jess, ILX being dicks if you ask for advice, unsurpising!)
― Ally (mlescaut), Friday, 18 July 2003 15:21 (twenty years ago) link
― mark s (mark s), Friday, 18 July 2003 15:22 (twenty years ago) link
― jess (dubplatestyle), Friday, 18 July 2003 15:23 (twenty years ago) link
― Andrew Thames (Andrew Thames), Friday, 18 July 2003 15:25 (twenty years ago) link
― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Friday, 18 July 2003 15:52 (twenty years ago) link
i think this is disgusting and morally uncoscionable!
― Dave Stelfox (Dave Stelfox), Friday, 18 July 2003 16:04 (twenty years ago) link
i think this is disgusting and morally unconscionable!
― Chris P (Chris P), Friday, 18 July 2003 16:07 (twenty years ago) link
Because I am in a I AM SINGLE AND SAD ABOUT IT TOO mood, I think that poly people could at least have the decency not to make lonely people feel even *more* lonely. But this goes for mono people as well. IN FACT IT GOES FOR ALL PEOPLE. I am going to stick with the interweb.
The hardest thing abt *being* in a poly relationship I wd think is to have the self-esteem and confidence not to feel a bit rub when yr partner is off with s/one else and obviously happy about it and making COMPARISONS and agh headbreaking.
However, I can see positive things abt poly as well - I've seen people be extremely happy and more relaxed in their "relationships" when one person doesn't develop into the be-all-and-end-all - just simply, someone who you er... "dig". And I can see that as a healthy attitude to have.
Then again I am shunning company and party on Friday night so you probably should't listen to me as the healthy attitude type of person eh?
― Sarah (starry), Friday, 18 July 2003 17:38 (twenty years ago) link
Er yeah, sorry about that Stars. I wasn't thinking straight, and my not posting anything on the thread must've made it sooo much better. I can be a total fuckwit at times.
― RickyT (RickyT), Friday, 18 July 2003 18:33 (twenty years ago) link
yeah, the self-confidence thing was mostly the reason i revived - not that anything has really progressed yet - but being the type of guy i am, i don't tend to pull in massive amounts of the laydeez, so y'know, there are "no worries" on my end, but since for most of my (ha ha) adult life i have located the majority of my self-esteem and confidence in the undying affection of my partner ("nyeah nyeah...you can't have them") (which totally isn't healthy, btw!!) i am a bit worried about my already low low low LOW levels of uh self-esteem (and rather high levels of self-hate.)
― jess (dubplatestyle), Friday, 18 July 2003 18:53 (twenty years ago) link
― mark p (Mark P), Friday, 18 July 2003 18:55 (twenty years ago) link