Which foreign name for Scrooge McDuck sounds most like a 13-year-old Arsenal Youth prodigy?

haha i fucked that up

shd read

This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three Arsenal Reserves. One in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender.

The bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the footballers that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention them. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy has to go to the restroom. The footballers are left on the bar.

The bartender is alone with the footballers. There is an awkward silence. The bartender decides to try to make some conversation. "What's your name?" he says to the first footballer.

"Kieran Gibbs," said the first footballer.

"How's your day been, Kieran Gibbs?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of Fran Merida all day."

"Oh. That's nice," says the bartender.

Then he says to the second footballer, "Hi. And what's your name?"

"Carlos Vela," came the answer.

"So how's your day been, Carlos Vela?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of Fran Merida all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again."

So the bartender turns to the third footballer and says, "So, you must be Jack Wilshere."

"No," growls the third footballer, "My name is Fran Merida. And don't ask about my damn day."

That makes even less sense.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Make it watch Arsenal until its bill withers.

Q: Who is going to score the winner for Spurs against Arsenal later this season?

A: Eider Gudjohnsen! (Eidur!)

Q. What is an obsessive Arsenal fan's favourite breakfast item?
A. Eggs Fabr-egg-as, like an egg

one day i'm walking down the road and i met cesc fabregas bouncing a brick.

I say, "no way a bouncing brick, i haven't seen one of those in years! I used to love those things!"

He says "do you wanna have a go? you've got to be very careful though, cos if you bounce too hard it'll go way way up in the sky and you'll never see it again"

I say, "don't worry, I have lots of practice with these things- I was quite a pro in my youth."

So he gives me the bouncing brick, and after a few test bounces I've recalled all of my old prowess and am giving it over arm, under leg, behind my back pimped out bouncing brick moves.

He's very impressed, and says "i can see you're a true afficionado- tell you what, you keep that one, i have more at home"

I'm delighted, and after thanking him head off, bouncing my new brick. After a while I meet kieran gibbs.

he says- "Wow, great a bouncing brick, I've never seen one of those! give us a try!"

I'm not sure- "be careful, if you bounce it too hard it'll go way way up in the sky and it'll never be seen again"

He has a go- he bounces it too hard first time, it goes way way up into the sky and it's never seen again.

arsene wenger gets on a plane to india with his duck. the hostess says "i'm sorry mr wenger, that duck has to go in the cargo hold"

he says, "it''s ok, he has a ticket."

"that's not the point sir, animals aren't allowed on the plane"

wenger's indignant- "this isn't an animal, it's my best friend, he has a and a passport. i eat with this duck, see movies with this duck, post under the same ilx name as this duck and generally am very matey with this duck altogether. how dare you call this duck an animal."

they work out a solution. the duck is secured to the wing of the plane with a leather strap, and given an oxygen mask (his ticket is refunded). the gentleman is given the window seat to provide constant assurance and support for the creature.

thirty thousand feet up, the strap breaks.....

the duck's tail feather is smouldering in the engine, and he's trying heroically to grab the end of the strap in his beak. every person on board is crowded round the windows shouting "come on duck! come on duck! come on duck!"

an updraft beats the duck back again. his tail feather is clearly alight now. he's inches from the strap, and giving his all. he slowly beats his way towards the strap again. inside- "come on duck! come on duck! come on duck!"

he strains every duck sinew in his body, and gets the strap firmly in it's mouth! cheers of relief all round.

then whack! a sudden impact knocks him loose, and directly into the jet engine. he's incinerated

he was hit by a bouncing brick

See, I read the second one first

can a mod change the thread title to "indecipherable jokes about soccer"

Q: What does Arsene Wenger definitely not do to his 13 year-old youth players?

A: Ducks them! (Fucks them!)

can a mod change the thread title to "indecipherable jokes about soccer"

in fairness, it already says that in Queen's English

oi!

yeah i could tell that i didn't take the audience with me on that one tbh

i laughed

mostly at 'he was hit by a bouncing brick' though

waldorf salad--now that's some british humor i can get behind

the version i'm familiar with is the spear-chucking/monkey being thrown out of plane one, but <3 punchlines being irascibly explained by an unanswered comedian

ususally you tell one at the beginning and give it a while tbh

yeah, ilx doesn't roll like that

Version I'm familiar has Paddy throwing away half bricks for some reason, a subsequent joke then involving a dog getting thrown out of a train window and then being seen with a half brick in its mouth

You gotta leave it to cook a while, yeah

bouncing brick is the peak of this towering thread

good luck mr que

duck walks into a bar says 'got any nuts?'

barman- 'no'

'got any nuts?'

'no'

'got any nuts?'

'no'

'got any nuts?'

'no'

'got any nuts?'

'no'

'got any nuts?'

'ask me again and i'll nail your bill to the bar'

'got any nails?'

'no'

'got any nuts?'

ok lol

hahahaha

The only interest I have in football is roque santa cruz so I don't recognise some of the names or.......themes but I think I get the gist and am lol-ing, esp at the bill withers one. Great thread.

Q: How could Arsene Wengers financial approach to signings be described.
A: As tight as Scrooge Mc'Ducks Arse (Contains a duck reference, a Scrooge McDuck reference (a famously stingy character), a common phrase relating to being penny pinching which relates to Arsenals famous policy of no big money signings and also contains the word 'Arse' which features in both the name of the club and it's manager.

hahaha! well when it's broken down like that...

i have just given up on getting arsenal into any of these obviously

jarlrmai knows whats up tbh

WHAT IS A DUCK'S FAVOURITE PREMIER LEAGUE FOOTBALLER TO EAT?

BREAD HANGELAND

yes

arsene wenger calls up alex ferguson and says 'do you weesh to go feeshin with mee'. ferguson replies 'anatidae thanks'

Q: Which footballer can't crouch down properly?

A: Gary Teale (a teal is the littlest duck in Britain!)

holy shit @ dmac's latest

wd work better with martin o'neill tho

fuck it would too y'know

Q: Which Arsenal player incurred the biggest bill at their last New Year party?

A: Andrei Arshoveler (Andrei Arshavin!) (A shoveler has the biggest bill of any duck in Britain!)

what do you call an arsenal player who is performing open heart surgery

a duck

Bacary Surgeon

Arsene Wenger goes on holiday and leaves Steve Bould in charge of looking after his pet cat. After three days of checking in and feeding the cat, all is well, but on the fourth day the cat is killed when it falls off the roof trying to chase after a duck. Steve Bould phones Arsene Wenger and says "BOSS, YOUR FUCKIN CAT'S DEAD". Wenger is devastated and has to take a moment to compose himself. He then says "Jesus Steve, zat is a terrible shock. For me, you can not say zis in such a blunt way. What happened?". Steve Bould said "I fed the cat and then he went out into the garden. He started chasing a duck on the roof and he fell off and fuckin died didn't he."

Wenger says "you should really try to soften the blow when something like zis appens - you should have said 'Mr Wenger, please sit down, I av some bad news. I fed your cat as usual today but afterwards he went outside and climbed onto the roof in pursuit of a duck. He slipped and I'm afraid he did not survive the fall.' " Bould reflects and agrees that he should have been more sensitive.

Arsene Wenger returns to his holiday and mourns his cat. Three days later, he receives another call. It is Steve Bould. With some concentration, Steve Bould carefully says "Mr Wenger, please sit down, I have some bad news. I fed Aaron Ramsey as usual today but afterwards he went outside and climbed onto the roof in pursuit of a duck."

lollllllllll

^^^

hilarious thread, i voted for joakim von and

Q: When Arsene Wenger watches his young reserves do press-ups, what duck does he keep saying over and over again?

A: Pochard! (Push hard!)

lol @ all this

Q: How many lightbulbs does it take to screw Arsene Wenger?

A: Bangers and mash!

Arsene Wenger is at the training ground when he sees Nicklas Bendtner strolling along being followed by twenty quacking ducks. "What are you doing with zose ducks?" he asks his misfiring centre-forward. "They just keep following me - I don't know what to do with them," replies the man mountain. "Well, take zem to the zoo!" instructs his prudent but short-sighted manager.

The next day Arsene Wenger is at the training ground again and once more he sees Nicklas Bendtner being followed by twenty quacking ducks. "I thought I told you to take them to the zoo!" he yells in exasperation. Straight away Bendtner replies "Oh shit, yeah, I forgot."

not only is Glen Kamara unrelated to Chris he also appears to be Finnish. curious

he has 36 followers on twitter

His family has an old haunted castle. Though he himself grew up in poverty.

In other news, young trio Glen Kamara, Tafari Moore and Josh Vickers have all signed professional terms at the Emirates. Mainstays of the under-18s last season they’ll be hoping to turn heads for the under-21s this season with a view to a potential shot at a run out in the Capital One Cup.

Tafari is a good name

tafari is ethiopian/amharic (haile selassie's birth name & ras tafari = prince tafari) his middle name is lalibela which means his parents are either v serious rastas or v patriotic ethiopians

Spurs youth just gave rafferty pedder some minutes

Hope he gets a song

"Sknerus McKwacz" still makes me laugh today

missed this before, good stuff

https://www.newyorker.com/news/dispatch/the-strange-story-of-dagobert-the-ducktales-bandit

This is wild.

that was awesome, thank you!

Yeah that was incredible

Why hasn't anyone made a film about that yet?

More Germans btw.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HR9wq-J0nCE