Alternate endings to classic jokes

"Knock knock"

"That sounds nothing like an actual knock at the door"

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

I don't even know where to begin explaining how that would not be possible.

Once there was a snail who was tired of being slow. He went out and bought a really fast sports car and had the dealer paint a big 'S' on each side of it.

Whenever someone saw him zooming past in his new car, they would say, "Hey, look at Samuel go!"

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,
"You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during
the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one
set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most,
you have not been there for me?"

The Lord replied,
"The times when you have
seen only one set of footprints in the sand,
is when I hovered."

Once upon a time, a young man went to the circus. He was very excited, as he lived in western Manitoba and had never seen a circus before; the kind of town where you shave and the trolly stops. Anyway, as circus days drew nigh, the young man grew ever more excited. He arrived before dawn to get the best seat in the house, and was seated hours before the first trapeze act.

Finally, the trapeze artists gave an awe-inspiring performance, the elephants danced, and the lion tamer tamed. At last, the clowns came out in full regalia and green hair. They rode around by the gross in a purple volkswagon. The volksie pulled up to center of the ring, and an overweight clown with orange hair, acne, and a purple nose advanced to the podium:

"Will the person in section A, row Y, seat 42 please stand up?"

The young man looked at his ticket, and to his surprise, he was sitting in that very seat. The young man stood up.

Clown sez, "Wellllll, there's the horse's ass, now where's the rest of the horse?"

The man, dumbfounded, stood for a moment, then made his way quickly through crowd and out of the tent. Returning home, the man wept for days, and mourned the loss of dignity and honor. Eventually reason overcame his grief and the man grew determined. "I'm not going to get mad, I'm going to get even, and avenge the honor of myself, my family, and this town," exclaimed the man. He picked up the curriculum guide for the University of Nevada at Las Vegas (UNLV) correspondence courses and started to read.

Eventually his eyes came to rest on an advert for a class in "Quick Wit Retort." "Learn how to use those snappy comebacks to your advantage, now!" So the man sent in his $19.95 and soon received the course materials. In a few weeks, the man mastered the materials, and sent the final back to UNLV.

Much to his surprise, a registered letter arrived from the president of UNLV. It read:

Dear Sir: We are utterly flabbergasted at your performance in Quick Wit Retort 101. We would be most gratified if you could come to UNLV to complete your degree with our fine academic institution. Here's a check to cover your expenses.

To make a long story short , the man made straight A's in the QWR program. He was awarded numerous distinctions, and when he graduated, the graduation speaker Ed Meese awarded the man the Presidential Medal of Outstanding Quick Wit Retort, signed by Ronnie himself!

Some days afterward, Harvard University sent a lear-jet to pick the man up for an interview. The graduate admissions officer didn't mince words. "If you complete our masters/doctoral tenured track program in QWR, you will never have to worry about money again," said he. Needless to say, the man promptly moved to Cambridge.

In 5 years, the man had finished his doctorate. By this time, the man was known throughout the world as the leading expert in Quick Wit Retort. Word had even reached western Manitoba, which made his mother very proud. Everyone from Pentagon pundits to Beltway bandits consulted the man on technical questions of QWR.

One day, while sitting at his desk reading his hometown newspaper, the man noticed that the circus was coming to his hometown again. An evil smile crossed the man's face. "Siegfried," cried the man to his assistant, "We must be away to Manitoba. Ready the jet!" As the plane crossed the downlands of Michigan, the man savored the moment of victory that was to be his.

The man arrived at the circus tent very early, making sure to get the seat in section A, row Y, seat 42.

Finally, the trapeze artists gave an awe-inspiring performance, the elephants danced, and the lion tamer tamed. At last, the clowns came out in full regalia and green hair. They rode around by the gross in a purple volkswagon. The volksie pulled up to center of the ring, and an overweight clown with orange hair, acne, and a purple nose advanced to the podium:

"Will the person in section A, row Y, seat 42 please stand up?"

The man glanced at his ticket. This time he was ready.

Clown sez, "Wellllll, there's the horse's ass, now where's the rest of the horse?"

The man rose to his feet, full of confidence. He thrust out his chest and said in the loudest voice you can imagine:

YOUR MEAN-SPIRITED, CRASS REMARKS ARE WHOLLY OUT OF PLACE IN WHAT SHOULD BE A LIGHTHEARTED, FAMILY-FRIENDLY PERFORMANCE!!! MAY I PLEASE HAVE A WORD YOUR SUPERVISOR?

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender: "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says: "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2'', weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5'' pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde. Think about it, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The blind guy says: "No, I suppose that would be unwise".

The Lord replied,
"The times when you have
seen only one set of footprints in the sand,
is when I hovered."

this could sell 10000000 x t-shirts imo

What do you call a man with a spade on his head?

Strange, but good at balancing things.

Knock Knock
Who's There?
Orange

What's white and slithers across the dancefloor?
Peter Stringfellow

Q: What does Batman do in the bathroom?

A: A few crossword puzzles, and sometimes reads the funnies, and always wipes back to front

will still rep for 'hovered' tbh

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and says, “Hey, what's in the bag?”

So, the man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, all of about maybe 12 inches tall, and he sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano. Then he reaches into the bag pulls out a tiny piano bench.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart.

"Where on earth did you get that?", the bartender asks.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag and pulling out what looks like a little genie lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says, "Here, rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a puff of smoke and a genie magically appears and says, "I will grant you one wish, just one."

The bartender gets really excited, and without hesitating, he says, "I wish I had a million bucks !"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar, and then another duck, and then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little hard of hearing. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

To which the man answers "You're right, he should really get that checked out"

A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"

John Hodgeman's "Joke's That Have Never Produced Laughter" segment from Areas Of My Expertise. This.

best joke itt is whoever managed to screw up the settings so everything is italicized

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I like my coffee like I like my women. Without a penis.

Damn... all those tags couldn't remove the italics? Bummer.

We have to go deeper.

ITALICEPTION

>>foghorn sound<<

how do you titillate an ocelot?
you stimulate its g-spot a lot

what goes 'aaaa aaaaa aaaaa'

an extremely distressed child

Prank call edition:

* ring ring *
Caller: Is the refrigerator running?
Unsuspecting Dupe: Uh... yes?
Caller: Oh. You must not be a Bears fan, because William Perry suffers from Guillain–Barré syndrome and probably isn't running anywhere, you insensitive clod.
* hang up *

what's red and invisible

infra red light

Q: What's yellow and dangerous?
A: Mustard Gas

"Knock knock"

"I'm sorry, who are you disparaging? I wasn't listening."

Q: How many kangaroos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. It'd have to be a very large lightbulb though.

A horse walks into a bar. The barman shoos it out and tells its rider animals are not allowed in the bar, except guide dogs.

A man sees another man with a banana sticking out of his ear. He informs him, "Excuse me, but did you know you have a banana in your ear?" The other man replies, "I'm sorry but I can't hear you - I attended a My Bloody Valentine show and couldn't wear earplugs because of the banana in my ear."

https://twitter.com/#!/AntiJokeCat

Anti-Joke Cat‏@AntiJokeCat

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

fail: joke.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Odd question in terms of intentionality, does a chicken have any conception of 'road'.

When you're sliding into first, and you feel something burst...

God is dead.

'How do I get to Carnegie hall"
"Lady, go up 5th avenue, take a left at 57th street, down two blocks and there you are"

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 6 had strong romantic feelings for 7 but subconsciously wondered if he wasn't good enough for her and how he could make the relationship work on his salary and how her kids from a previous relationship would receive him

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

An elephant with a chronic case of diarrhea, and also it's part rhino.

A man walks in the park and sees another man with a dog sitting on a bench. "Does your dog bite?", asks the first man. "No" The man proceeds to pet the dog, but the dog bites him. "I thought you said your dog didn't bite?!", he says quite angrily.

The second man replied - "Aye, normally he doesn't, but you're an annoying cunt"

Did you hear about the guy who stole all of the toilets from the police station?

Yeah, that sucks