Polyamory

(jess, ILX being dicks if you ask for advice, unsurpising!)

i think this is disgusting and morally uncoscionable!

i think this is disgusting and morally unconscionable!

Because I am in a I AM SINGLE AND SAD ABOUT IT TOO mood, I think that poly people could at least have the decency not to make lonely people feel even *more* lonely. But this goes for mono people as well. IN FACT IT GOES FOR ALL PEOPLE. I am going to stick with the interweb.

The hardest thing abt *being* in a poly relationship I wd think is to have the self-esteem and confidence not to feel a bit rub when yr partner is off with s/one else and obviously happy about it and making COMPARISONS and agh headbreaking.

However, I can see positive things abt poly as well - I've seen people be extremely happy and more relaxed in their "relationships" when one person doesn't develop into the be-all-and-end-all - just simply, someone who you er... "dig". And I can see that as a healthy attitude to have.

Then again I am shunning company and party on Friday night so you probably should't listen to me as the healthy attitude type of person eh?

Er yeah, sorry about that Stars. I wasn't thinking straight, and my not posting anything on the thread must've made it sooo much better. I can be a total fuckwit at times.

yeah, the self-confidence thing was mostly the reason i revived - not that anything has really progressed yet - but being the type of guy i am, i don't tend to pull in massive amounts of the laydeez, so y'know, there are "no worries" on my end, but since for most of my (ha ha) adult life i have located the majority of my self-esteem and confidence in the undying affection of my partner ("nyeah nyeah...you can't have them") (which totally isn't healthy, btw!!) i am a bit worried about my already low low low LOW levels of uh self-esteem (and rather high levels of self-hate.)

This makes me so happy I can't describe it.

i mean nobodys asking where your car keys are

(TO SPELL IT OUT FOR EVERYONE JESUS PEOPLE)

BASICALLY SHE AND I BOTH DECIDED THAT WE SHOULD BE FREE TO EXPLORE NOT JUST CASUAL SEX BUT ALSO THE POSSIBILITY OF EXTRA RELATIONSHIPS (GOD THAT SOUNDS SO LAME), BUT THIS IS JUST A FREEDOM NOT A MANDATE OR EVEN A POSSIBILITY RIGHT NOW.

ONE TIME AT BAND CAMP...

jess had a threesome with Tatum O'Neal.

thats actually kinda cute

I love how if certain posters try to get advice or shoulders round these parts, everyone seems to feel that it's open season, as if we're robots. It'd be cool but it ain't true. Meanwhile, if jess was (fill-in-here-not-gonna-spell-it-out-which-posters-get-treated-like-drama-sadsacks) everyone would be horrified and running about with their hands in the air! I can't decide which is more annoying.

thank u ally

What's our favorite evening game?
"Baseball?" You're all wet!
"Let's swap partners" is the name
Suburban Roulette!

Where's my wife? Has anyone seen her?
Is she ring-a-dingin' with that swingin' set?
The other guy's wife is always greener
Suburban Roulette!

I love you madly, baby
So come on and hold me tight
But don't feel bad now, baby,
If I love your sister tomorrow night

Let's livin' up this dead room
There's life in this swinger yet
It's fun and games now in the bedroom
Suburban Roulette!

There's a new lady in my life
Wouldn't trade her for a bet
"That's no lady! That my wife!"
Suburban Roulette!

Your husband's just a grouch, dear
My wife's a hopeless square
There they are on the couch, dear
And they're just sitting there!

Let me borrow your comb, love
It's nearly 6 p.m., my pet
Your husband will soon be home, love
Suburban Roulette!

and, for that matter, the absence of kid gloves as a compliment

Ha, yes. My self-esteem is pretty good as it goes, but the fact of knowing I was loved or at least wanted reciprocally was a bloody big part of it for a long time. Being single for so long has had a pretty major effect on me.

Back to poly. I've never been in the situation you're in now Jess. The one major poly thing I went through was essentially poly from the word go so there was never any mono->poly negotiation issues. However, the four of us collectively plumbed the depths of baggage you could bring to the relationship, so I've had my fair share of jealousy/self-esteem fuck ups. The one thing I should have learnt from this, above all else, is to not let any twinges fester. If you're uncomfortable say so, even if it seems really petty. Otherwise you open up a whole world of mess. Communication breakdowns in mono situations are bad enough, but the more partnerships you've got the worse it gets.

i think most of the confusion on the latter part of thread stems from the fact that an agreement for 'more people' can come with tons of different contingencies and rule sets attached

i wasnt sure if we were talking about introducing another main player into an existing relationship, agreeing to see *any* other people, agreeing to see *certain* other people or what. i think each situation probably warrants a separate discussion, as theres different issues at the root of each

Here's my current situation: I am 30. I live with one man (age 40) G, with whom I will be celebrating 6 years of being together at the end of this month. I also have another lover, D (age 34), whom I've been with for 3 and 1/2 years, who does not live with us, but who spends most of his free time with us. For all intents and purposes, this is a poly relationship, in that there are the three of us and we have found a relationship where we are all equals, and where each of our needs and desires are as valid and respected as the others.

I have sexual relations with both of the men. Sometimes one at a time, sometimes all at the same time. They are not sexually involved with each other. In many ways, they relate as best friends and brothers and cohorts. There is little to no jealousy in our relationship; each of us knows that we give something to the other that no one else can give. What D gives me is not replicated by G, and vice versa. One of the more unique aspects of my boys is that is many ways they're at opposite ends of the spectrum, so to speak, in emotional beliefs, interests, and how they interact with the world. Each of them brings to me insight that I would not receive from anyone other than them.

We are a closed, fluid-bonded relationship. That means that we do not go outside of the three of us for sexual fulfillment. We are as committed to each other and to making this relationship (or these relationships, as there are many different interplays within the three of us) work and be fulfilling to all involved as anyone I know in a two-person relationship.

It isn't always an easy situation - we've dealt with family members being uncomfortable, not being able to talk about the situation with co-workers and buddies, and problems that crop-up with all of us. But we face these with open minds and honesty - we each know that we can say what we feel and believe and know that we will not be judged, but rather respected, for voicing such intimate matters.

There are some amazing benefits to the situation - I not only have a best friendship with two of the most amazing, intelligent, and sexy men that I have ever known, but I get to sleep with each of them! (Which is a big plus - they're so different in the bedroom, from each other, that I don't get bored.) We also provide complete emotional support for each other - when one of us has a bad day, we've two people to comfort us and listen to us and love us. For me, especially, I've found that when I am frustrated/angry with one of the men, the other will not only leap to their defense, but also help me see what is going through the mind of the other and remind me of why it is that I am with him ... they both work to keep me happy with the other: to keep me content and feeling secure and safe and loved.

Sometimes it is difficult for me to balance my time with each of them along with the time for all of us together and with time for myself, by myself. But we all work on that, and they understand that sometimes I need to be alone - so they go off and do stuff with each other (not in a sexual way, though I do realize that the statement could be read that way). We have enough diverse and enough shared interests that we constantly learn from each other and always have things to talk about and dream about and do.

I think that one of the main things that makes this work for all of us is the fact that we're all secure with ourselves and know our worth to each other - for me, the boys supplement each other, not detract. And one is not going to supplant the other. I want them and need them both. And they want and desire and need me, too. We also talk things through, constantly, and work on anything that is at all off for any of us. Like any relationship there are the ups and downs, but, as sappy as it sounds, I'd like to grow old and grey in their arms - and they feel the same about me.

Things are getting interesting in the relationship right now because I am finding myself drawn to another person, outside of our threesome. I am having to be especially conscious of everyone's feelings and fears, right now - I do not see this person (nor would ever consider) pushing out one of my men - it's too early in the getting to know each other stage of things to know where it might go with them - but I am not opposed to the idea of expanding our family to include another, provided that we all like and love and trust each other, and know that we will continue to have our needs and desires accepted, respected, and met.

First and foremost, G and D and I are best friends - we like each other as people - we enjoy and seek-out each others company and ideas - we see each other as the whole person, with strengths and flaws and love them completly - we accept that no-one is the end-all be-all for anyone else and do not expect that from each other - the fact that I sleep with each of them is actually secondary to the friendship and kinship that we share.

D says that what we have is more like a commune than a triad - and he's right in that assessment. We all contribute to a communal life and take from that what we need to thrive. We're three oddball people, who tend to feel alienated from much of the world - somehow we've found each other and in that finding know that we are loved and needed and accepted for ourselves.

I do not advocate poly relationships for everyone (and I've not even touched on swingers stuff, but that will be another post) - but for us it is what works. Each of us has expressed the sentiment that we have never felt more alive and secure and happy in any other situation.

This may not work for everyone, but it works for us. We struggle with the complications, at times, but that is true in any relationship. And we know, at the end of the day, that we want to be right where we are - with each other.