Polyamory

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you can get a bagel for $0.45 downstairs

― s1utsky (slutsky), Friday, 18 July 2003 20:08 (twenty years ago) link

Fresh too

― s1utsky (slutsky), Friday, 18 July 2003 20:08 (twenty years ago) link

yeah i don't know where you mentalists live where bagels are any more than .60 tops

― jess (dubplatestyle), Friday, 18 July 2003 20:09 (twenty years ago) link

4 bagels for 89p in Sainsburys - EAT THAT.

Seriously Jess do you want to talk on IRC? (I am mostly desperate to see if I installed it right).

― Sarah (starry), Friday, 18 July 2003 20:09 (twenty years ago) link

You can't get no everything bagel though.

― s1utsky (slutsky), Friday, 18 July 2003 20:09 (twenty years ago) link

i have to download it, gimme a minute

― jess (dubplatestyle), Friday, 18 July 2003 20:10 (twenty years ago) link

What Sarah said (abt Olympia and stuff)

(Incidentally, I once accused the Pinefox of having a bug up his arse. He did not take kindly to this.)

― RickyT (RickyT), Friday, 18 July 2003 20:13 (twenty years ago) link

i think a bagel here with butter from a bagel shop averages about $1.80

― That Girl (thatgirl), Friday, 18 July 2003 20:13 (twenty years ago) link

Cor. How exciting. Shout when you got it! (I find it wierd that not everyone has an irc client there already)

― Sarah (starry), Friday, 18 July 2003 20:14 (twenty years ago) link

IM, Sarah. Get with modern times!

― That Girl (thatgirl), Friday, 18 July 2003 20:15 (twenty years ago) link

my lack of self-esteem and self-confidence is surely not unrelated to my lack of social interaction over the last 12 months.

68% starry!

― jess (dubplatestyle), Friday, 18 July 2003 20:16 (twenty years ago) link

I have TRIED downloading GAIM, if you want to tell me where I am supposed to install the latest GLib library which YES I have downloaded and what I should do once ./configure finishes then I will have a happy IM emulator but until then!!! You should all download IRC! For me!

I'd best test it to make sure it works!

― Sarah (starry), Friday, 18 July 2003 20:17 (twenty years ago) link

I have no freaking idea what GAIM is. Sarah are you on some weird os that doesn't support regular AIM?

― That Girl (thatgirl), Friday, 18 July 2003 20:18 (twenty years ago) link

Hurrah! I am on #ilx on undernet.org - london.uk.eu.undernet.org to be precise! JOIN USme!

― Sarah (starry), Friday, 18 July 2003 20:19 (twenty years ago) link

Linux innit!

― Sarah (starry), Friday, 18 July 2003 20:20 (twenty years ago) link

i don't think i know how to work this thing!

― jess (dubplatestyle), Friday, 18 July 2003 20:22 (twenty years ago) link

i am the only one in channel #ilx!!

― jess (dubplatestyle), Friday, 18 July 2003 20:23 (twenty years ago) link

Are you on undernet?

― Sarah (starry), Friday, 18 July 2003 20:25 (twenty years ago) link

how do i get there?

― jess (dubplatestyle), Friday, 18 July 2003 20:25 (twenty years ago) link

Oh laws, what is yr IRC client? Where it asks you what server you want to connect to, type in THIS: london.uk.eu.undernet.org

ANd then when it's flashed up it's "you are connected" rub and asks you what room you want to go into, type #ilx!

― Sarah (starry), Friday, 18 July 2003 20:27 (twenty years ago) link

it is flashing at me and sounding the klaxxons

― jess (dubplatestyle), Friday, 18 July 2003 20:28 (twenty years ago) link

Lordy. Er any further details? Fire engines? I am pretty sure I am connected properly but then again I am a spaz and even more so when it comes to debian.

― Sarah (starry), Friday, 18 July 2003 20:30 (twenty years ago) link

success!

― jess (dubplatestyle), Friday, 18 July 2003 20:32 (twenty years ago) link

hurrah!

― RickyT (RickyT), Friday, 18 July 2003 20:39 (twenty years ago) link

Jess, I think you and N. need to talk about what is going on. I can't see how (as the two of you are currently living together) you are going to be able to pursue outside relationships. Maybe this "seeing other people" thing is a sort of precursor to a more lasting break-up.

― Mary (Mary), Friday, 18 July 2003 21:04 (twenty years ago) link

I agree with Mary. This "I have interest in other people" only leads one way in my (limited) experience. Same goes for the "We should just bring this back to dating casually." But - I am prone to jealousy and insecurity of all sorts.

― bnw (bnw), Friday, 18 July 2003 21:35 (twenty years ago) link

the phrase think outside the box keeps springing to mind

― jess (dubplatestyle), Friday, 18 July 2003 21:38 (twenty years ago) link

(Basically, dating multiple people from day one is cool. Doing it after you've been together exclusively for years is trouble.)

x-post: I'm not sure if that's a euphemism... But obviously, like every relationship, it is going to be decided by you and her.

― bnw (bnw), Friday, 18 July 2003 21:43 (twenty years ago) link

i don;t think i've ever regretted a thread more, even the holocaust jokes one

― jess (dubplatestyle), Friday, 18 July 2003 21:45 (twenty years ago) link

You're going to have to be doing a lot of that whilst you watch N. get ready for her dates, accept phone calls for her from other guys, and wait for her (not) to come home.

― Mary (Mary), Friday, 18 July 2003 21:45 (twenty years ago) link

another is "don't put your fucking hang-ups on me"

― jess (dubplatestyle), Friday, 18 July 2003 21:47 (twenty years ago) link

i mean, honestly mary, and no offense, you sound like the catholic mother of my worst nightmares and i do not fucking need that right now, or ever, really

also, "guys"? hetero-sexism springs forth again, and again, and again on this thread.

― jess (dubplatestyle), Friday, 18 July 2003 21:48 (twenty years ago) link

Ha ha Jess you're the one asking for advice on this thread. If you were happy with your situation, I doubt you would have brought it up. Note, I'm not warning Ms. Laura against the perils of her relationship, which she seems perfectly happy in.

Hmm, just got your second post, if you're happy I'm happy, but you don't sound happy.

― Mary (Mary), Friday, 18 July 2003 21:51 (twenty years ago) link

okay, something weird happened when i tried to lock the thread and like everything before my revival got deleted.

― jess (dubplatestyle), Friday, 18 July 2003 22:09 (twenty years ago) link

anyway, i'm relocking it because i feel like i am on a fucking operating table and it's not a nice place to be. this thread needs to go away.

― jess (dubplatestyle), Friday, 18 July 2003 22:11 (twenty years ago) link

actually, i decided against it after talking with mark s. do whatever you want with it. i am locking myself out of ilx.

― jess (dubplatestyle), Friday, 18 July 2003 22:13 (twenty years ago) link

Jess - For what it's worth, I can say that unless you and your primary lover/partner are at a very strong point in your relationship; if you don't know just where each of you stands in the eyes of the other and in your own view; if you don't know what you want from each other or from the relationship, then it's pretty darn likely that bringing-in additional people is going to be a stress that will fracture what is between you and your S/O. I'd really encourage you and she to sit and talk and talk and talk - honestly - about your fears and your dreams. Unless you are both secure and know that you're in it for the long run, then an additional person will probably lead to jealousy and insecurity and anger.

I'd also recommend checking-out the following two books (Amazon carries them):

The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities
by Dossie Easton, Catherine A. Liszt

and

Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits: Secrets of Sustainable Intimate Relationships
by Deborah M, Dr. Anapol

(They're the only 'self-help' books that I've ever read that I thought were worth the time ... well, the only ones that aren't purely about sex stuff.)

Also, there's a book called Three in Love which is a look at historical polyamorous relationships - it can be a real eye-opener, though many of those relationships did not last.

In regards to Mary's comment about sitting at home while your S/O prepares for a date and intimacy with someone else ... that does happen, and it can be painful. You need to know that you can accept that pain and isolation, and your S/O needs to know the same. I'd suggest that, especially at first, getting to know others be done by both of you, so you know who that other person is and don't feel as pushed aside as you might well feel, initially.

Finally, seek out some on-line or real-time support and discussion groups - you'll run into the typical horny and annoying teenage males, but you'll also find some people who can provide you with insight and support.

― I'm Passing Open Windows (Ms Laura), Friday, 18 July 2003 22:15 (twenty years ago) link

Dude, if you're going to be so touchy about people who don't agree with you, then don't start a discussion about your life. And everyone brings their own hang-ups when they post, including those who agree with you.

― bnw (bnw), Friday, 18 July 2003 22:26 (twenty years ago) link

(Also if it doesn't work out, I'll make some bright eyes cds for you. Ha.)

― bnw (bnw), Friday, 18 July 2003 22:27 (twenty years ago) link

*spits chips*

Good god people, have some sensitivity. Jess was looking for advice, yes, but also some reassurance. Telling him his relationship is doomed is not exactly helpful.

― RickyT (RickyT), Friday, 18 July 2003 22:33 (twenty years ago) link

While agreeing with someone b/c you are afraid of hurting their feelings is so very helpful.

― bnw (bnw), Friday, 18 July 2003 23:10 (twenty years ago) link

Ally is smart.

― catholicmother (Mary), Saturday, 19 July 2003 00:29 (twenty years ago) link

mary the irony of you decrying polyamory is not lost on me, thanks.

― jess (dubplatestyle), Saturday, 19 July 2003 01:52 (twenty years ago) link

best of luck jess. i mean it. speaking as someone who might one day end up in a similar situation, i really hope it works out for you both.

― di smith (lucylurex), Saturday, 19 July 2003 02:02 (twenty years ago) link

thank you di. i know we've gotten into our mess of scraps on the boards, but i mean that.

― jess (dubplatestyle), Saturday, 19 July 2003 02:10 (twenty years ago) link

Jess, I think you and N. need to talk about what is going on.

I'm the other guy? Who knew?

― N. (nickdastoor), Saturday, 19 July 2003 02:16 (twenty years ago) link

i'll cut you, mang.

― jess (dubplatestyle), Saturday, 19 July 2003 02:18 (twenty years ago) link

god this is like revisiting the scene of the crime or something

― jess (dubplatestyle), Saturday, 19 July 2003 02:19 (twenty years ago) link

best of luck. hope everything works out for the best for the both of you.

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Saturday, 19 July 2003 08:08 (twenty years ago) link

Jess, honestly, I didn't see this reviving as some auto-bio of yr life and I still don't get what everyone is talkign about.

I only think you've brought up some good arguements.

Perhaps as someone wbo is still dealing with this herself, I appreciate it. But I think this is a good thread, dumb-ass responses and all.

oh, and ESOJ, I'm completely serious.

― That Girl (thatgirl), Saturday, 19 July 2003 08:17 (twenty years ago) link

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