teh rolling craigslist funney thread

I was the surgeon that did your wifes operation last week. You thanked me with a long hug and it seemed like you felt me up a bit. Was feeling the same connection just didn't think I should feel you up. Your wife is going to be out of service for quite some time now, no need for you to go un-serviced while she is flat on her back. Maybe you need a bud like me to help you out some nights, wouldn't mind getting my chance to feel you up too. If you are having any scheduling problems let me know, I can increase her pain meds and that will knock her out so we can have a good couple of hours together. Hey this is just between buds, right, its a man thing women just don't understand. Let me know which night is good for you.
TTYL
Doc Paul BTW Did you notice the instant hardon when you hugged me? Yeah I think you hot too.

* this is in or around Hospital
* no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

104851129

Everyone has heard of a starving artist...I am a "starving" artist. Over the years I've written many songs which turned into five Cd's...People who like smooth jazz like my music....I thought to turn my liability (starving artist) into an asset....in exchange for a homecooked meal I'll give you a CD...I am easy to get along with, a good conversationalist....like meeting new people...and I like most music....I am willing to travel within 45 minutes of Lanc Pa...

Inventor is trying to improve on the 'pleasure devices' of the past for women.Just don't have the 'equipment'(myself) to prove some ideas and need feedback,guidance and 'real time' application to get much needed data for success.
Needless to say,this person must be open minded.I will be as professional as one can be in this kind of situation.Hours would be to your convenience.Will be part time/temporary but I have several different approachs I'd like to pursue,so work could be on going for a while.Pay will be reasonable for such easy work (more than most jobs around) and by the hour.Write for more info.

* this is in or around ITHACA
* no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
* Compensation: Negotiable

Looking for someone to turn dictation into a short book. Although much is based on my reality, it will be written as fiction with liberties given to a gifted writer within limits. This book will not be for publication, I'm simply wanting to record unfortunate series of circumstances so that if others discover my role in this and I eliminated, the story won't die with me.

It involves an innocent virgin, criminals, love, betrayal and finally an international market for cultivated human organs.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's like right by where my mom works. Huh.

Hey. I’m a very busy 28 year old hedge fund trader; I’d like to hire someone to help me take care of my personal errands. Things like shopping, paying bills, help keeping me organized, light cleaning, ect.

In addition, I may need you to attend business dinners and help entertain clients with me (which are usually fun). So you must be comfortable in a client situation, well dressed, and friendly.

This job will probably require about 15 hours a week of your time and will pay $20 per hour. Please send something about yourself and a picture. thanks

Special residence for only the most discerning individual~ The last known U.S residence of Jim Morrison ("The Doors.") at 8214 W. Norton Ave, West Hollywood. Walk to the Sunset Strip. Fully furnished upper 2 BR. 1 1/4 bath turnkey. Coin laundry. $2000 mo. rent includes water. A shared rent roommate situation is acceptable, so don't hesitate to call! We will even find you one! Website: CHERIWOODS.COM click on "THE DOORS" link.
TOUR THIS SATURDAY, March 11, or by special appointment. Email: CheriWoods1@yahoo.com or phone: (818)225-5347.

8214 W. Norton Ave. at Crescent Heights google map yahoo map

* this is in or around West Hollywood
* no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

140234764

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Reply to: pers-145834208@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-03-27, 6:12PM PST

I wasn't hitting on you when I asked how many more sets you had on the bench press-but then I actually saw you and DAMN BRO!! I noticed we checked each other out after that and you got me interested. I would be into chilling see what's up. CONNECT up bro!

this is in or around hollywood

I found a cracker in my bed this morning and I realized that I really like white women. I have had a case of yellow fever lately with a touch of coco madness. But I think that I am ready to start dating white women again. Just as long as they are not stale.
I am 29, white, and really enjoy eating crackers in bed.

* this is in or around Sacramento
* no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

We are a power and finesse vocalist/harmonica player/songwriter and a bassist/keyboardist/multi-instrumentalist seeking a drummer of equal caliber (John Bonham) for an original and touring band. We will be touring Europe this summer.

We hold real finances to be used for a solid, independent project/partnership. As a vocalist and harmonica player, I have few equals. (Though I also play some guitar, usaully in open tunings for delta blues derivative music, and some percussion, I'm a vocalist.) The bassist, in his sphere, bass/keyboard/mandolin/etc. is equally as authoritative. We will be auditioning for our guitarist seperately and guitar will not be reflected in all the provided recordings.

I speak from the fire and strike heavy with of the sword, in a chorus championing people long oppressed and long suffering. Music is the gift from God to definitively pronounce our uprising and redemption. This means the poor, the meek, and the oppressed.

The name of this band is: The Epsilon Rising.

We are seeking a drummer/percussionist who has a command of dynamics, who creates melodies, and then counter-melodies, and then more in his playing that intermingles with the bass, guitar, and vocals in meaningful ways that goes beyond "just keeping the beat" or "pocket playing". We desire a drummer who gives off the impression of hard-hitting, stick-twisting band foundation at one moment, who equally commands elegants with brushes or a low key ballad. Though jazz IS a must, without the authoritative, aggressive backbone, it would not be appropriate for this band. Our drummer must rock. Equally, the typical "rock" drummer who is just loud and repetitive, or is overly obsessed with counting numbers as in a "Tool-like" fashion would also be inappropriate for this band. Our drummer will be equally concerned with sophistication.

If a song requires an over dub of congas, finger cymbals, tympani, or, maracas, you would have this awareness and the sensibilities to apply them in a thought-provoking way. Consistently, when a person listens to our band, we wish them to hear the drums and say "wow"! An understanding of ROCK/blues/J A Z Z /bluegrass/old country/classical/bossa nova/punk/reggae/etc. is a must and only the tip of the iceberg as of the songs that we will be creating. Whether originals, traditionals, covers, rearrangements -- there are no limitations or rules in our methodology. Simply put, we are seeking the drummer who believes that he has the potential to be the best ever, as part of the greatest band ever, and it is his life ambition to realize that end. While pushing the barriers of percussion, the drummer will elevate are music to an even more profound statement.

Not everyone believes in this in themselves, let alone others. If this is not you, or you do not believe that we are the forum to compliment your talents, or you are in disbelief of this opportunity, remember, there are other bands for you. We wish to hear from people who feel a connection to our music and can actually prove through music that they can create it and enhance our vision.

Our goal is to continually create classic songs that we can call our favorites, to be hyper-jammed out live, with exceptional stage presence. After written and recorded, our songs will still constantly evolve in the live set. The drummer of this band will that take all of us to the rock higher and vice-versa, we WILL inspire and expect the same from you. Though we desire someone in a similar age bracket, 21 - 29, for similarities in life focus (music first), come one, come all. Again, we will be touring Europe starting summer 2006, so any "issues" (girlfriend, school, family, fear) will not work in this situation. You must feel that pursuing music in this way is your destiny. In fact, if you feel that the words that I'm writing are somehow your own ideas, that's what we're talking about.

The less limits you have, the better. Regarding image, the longer the hair, the better. If you believe in revolution through music, and you have your place to prove in the world of musical giants, then this is the opportunity you have been seeking. Ethnicity is encouraged as we are dealing with the reality of God and all man, not just modern white materialistic, celebrity craving "reality", but truly, the counter culture of human reality.

However, be you black, asian, white, latin, indian, etc, if you have the soul (backed by musical recordings), the spirit of music, then it's game as music is color blind; an auric utopia.

This band hails from the mystics and spiritual, exploring dark and light, as we know that Christ is the Forever King at all cross roads, and the that the people are the poor and downtrodden. We view ourselves as champions of that cause, the representation of liberation in the hearts of the people.

I'm not interested in an e-mail or phone liasons as experience tells us that it produces very little. I'm interested in music. As such, we are providing four recordings on the web site that we would like you to listen to gain a perspective of how we are approaching music. To successfully audition for this band, please provide us with as many songs as possible which demonstrates a diverse and masterful understanding of drums and percussion. To make and extra effort, you could overdub drums to the song "Waves" provided on our website and/or provide a drum solo piece. From this we will be able to get a gauge of your essence and creativity. Low quality recordings are fine, so make the recordings happen with whatever means you have, if necessary.

If we feel that the package you send demonstrates our match, then we will fly you to Europe as our drummer. DO NOT REPLY TO THIS E-MAIL WITHOUT INCLUDING THE MUSIC REQUESTED ABOVE AND PICTURE. We ask for a picture because if you are afraid that your image won't go over well, you are probably right. A TOURING musician does not have these insecurities and can not in order to be successful at conveying the imagery that we wish to convey. Nevertheless, music will be the determining factor.

Double read this!!!! ---This is for a serious, DISCIPLINED, dedicated musician who is in our mindset and wishes to audition for this band. Come with the expectations of working, critiquing, being critiqued, long songwriting sessions, use of white boards and notes, discussing theory, long recording sessions, playing out often, being in a bus often, and awful lot of practing and rehearsing, frustrations, communicating, success and fun!!! I mentioned practicing because we plan to continuosly push our limits, and being satisfied with the level we are at is complacency, and not a part of this band. If what we are asking to complete this audition seems demanding, we recognize it is. If you are unable to go this distance, then this band is not for you. There are many others to audition for or create on your own. It is not necessary to critique our expectations, but rather we hope that you take a pro-active approach and create great music that meets your own vision!

Again, we self-critique and explore many variations of our music and covers. What we do not do is compromise our music in order to avoid dissagreements or tension and just "move on". This is a way of life, my life, the bassist's life, and in this band, we struggle with the music until we are all satisfied. Please be in the same mindset and have experience working in this manner. If you can not take constructed criticism, or give it, if you can not focus in on the same song for days and weeks as it evolves, then this band situation is not for you. If what we are saying is does not reflect your personality, save your time and words as this band is not for you -- there are many other bands to audition for to suit your expectations or create a band in your own image. This is for a drummer in our image, and it is not for everyone, but one.

I will mention that this is niether a "straight-edge band" nor "pro-drug" band. We do smoke cannibus but have no expectations for the drummer of this band other than great music. YOUR RECORDINGS, whether professional studio or from a tape deck, will speak for themselves.

Again, in your e-mail response please send a link or attachment to your audition recordings and a recent photograph. Responses without this, will not be considered!!!!

We have links to the rough drafts of the music you will use to understand our music complete your audition at:

http://www.theepsilonrising.com

These are not final products, but will provide plenty enough foundation to successfully provide perspective completing the audition recordings. Again, a drum overdub on the song Waves will mean bonus points, as it shows the effort that we are seeking. We anticipate that it will take you some time to learn and some significant effort.

I must stress that this band has no singular "style", as others have failed to grasp the concept that as musicians we play music. The unifying standard is that the music we produce is consistently classic. The sound sketches here are indicative of different expressions on different days. All of which we wish to develop further in addition to much, much more.
If your audition proves you to be our drummer, we will provide you with airfare to Europe and advance shelter expense as we live as a band together developing our set for the first two to three months.

The drummer who successfully fulfills the audition and that we select will have the option to receive a weekly living advance in addition to shelter cost. This is, in fact, the opportunity for actualization of the musical dream for the drummer in our image and mindset.

----

to stand amongst giants:

led zeppelin - jimi hendrix and the experience - cream - nirvana - pink floyd - radiohead - the doors - weather report - pearl jam (pre no code) - debussy - the velvet underground - the beatles (post revolver) - rage against the machine - charlie patton - bach - robert johnson - the guess who - alice in chains (dirt and beyond) - james brown (early) - the flaming lips - beethoven - blind melon ( later ) - bob marley - jeff buckley- regina spektor - bjork - hawkwind - tori amos - the greatful dead (early) - credence clearwater revival

may we go forward.

* no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Reply to: happy420dog@msn.com
Date: 2006-04-25, 9:41AM PDT

Are you a younger girl on her own needing a place to start from..there are a few things you need not to be.......on depression med's, have a skinny boyfriend that does lawn care, dates men with home made tat's from the good ole days in Inglewood..matter of fact if you even know where Inglewood is ...don't respond!!!!! The first word out of you mouth is no sex..involved, a good indicator of your previous poor choices in men!!!!!!....you have a serious relationship with a man and you can't stay longer than a hour after sex because his roommates don't allow that ( hint..that is not a boyfriend..refer back to above description)...you moved out here for love and you still have to find your own place..that's not love..but your man screwing more girls than just you and living with him would get in the way of his cheating on you!!!..(my personal favorite thing dumb girls do)...so be on your own..clean cut..single and really want a guy friend and really just need a bit of help...so p
lease do say hello and to the rest of you...ladies..poor choices in men equal a poor life...not my problem!!!!!!!!!...Take care!!!!!!!

this is in or around Santa Monica

no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Hello. I'm TheWeinsteinCompany

My Comments:

Hey! I just want to say that my allegaince has always been with you and it's a shame that Disney didn't renew your contracts and keep you guys running Mirimax. You're one the best things to happen to independant film, ever.

I'm attaching a short film I made along with this. It's nothing that special, but hopefully you'll get a laugh out of it (assuming you get a chance to watch it, seeing aas how you're so busy and all).

Enjoy, and I'd love to work for you someday,
J***** M****

http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=theweinsteincompany

The New Heineken Light...
Reply to: pers-154497783@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-04-25, 2:10PM EDT

...looks like a cock and balls. Dumbass package designers...

HI,IT'S REALY GOOD FOR KIDS,NEVER BEEN USED STILL IN THE PLASTIC,BECAUSE MY SON KNOWS THE ALPHABETS SO I DON'T NEED IT,IT DOES WORTH $120.BUT YOU CAN MAKE ANY OFFER(NOTE:THE TAPE IS MISSING).

* this is in or around MAPLEWOOD
* no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

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Reply to: pers-177891467@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-07-03, 12:52AM CDT

Professional couple (consulting/private equity) seeks thin or athletic (thin and athletic fine too- we have standards, but not unreasonable standards) 21-32 SWF for drinks, dancing, general antics and evenings out followed by... well that depends.

We are:
White collar types by day, trance music devotees by night, annoyed with the seeming lack of like-minded, professional and similarly addicted trance fans. It shouldn't be so difficult to find someone to come out with us to drinks before Crystal Method, Tiesto, Carl Cox or Paul Van Dyk and not call it a night afterwards. How boring! We'd far prefer to have a regular / semi-regular partner to descend into a "cuddle puddle" -yum!- with us afterwards (your place or ours but ours has a mini studio of sorts).

Her: 30 / 5'3 115, midwest girl, Cubs fan, skier, marathon runner, world traveler.
Him: 32 / 6'3 170, Swiss, bitter Cubs fan, skier, former headline trance DJ in London (Ministry of Sound, etc.).

We are looking for a good click and aren't pushy about it. A long-term thing isn't required, certainly, but it would be nice and, by the same token, if you are just looking for a quick lay you should probably move on.

Send us your picture, we'll send you ours (we know a lot of people in Chicago or we'd post it here), we can meet out for drinks and see what develops from there. VIP admission (no waiting) for your own 4 hour trance set performed live by your personal trance DJ in our home studio is always a late night option.

While we can't make any promises, we will reply to anyone who writes us.

this is in or around Gold Coast

no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Having seen the daily food consumption log thread, this seems like a very, very tall order.

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Reply to: pers-177782522@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-07-02, 5:42PM EDT

Hey I am a single asian female looking for a single cute white guy to come with me to Nations this Friday and/or next Friday. Since Nations is closing down. I want to go there for the last time. It will be a lot of fun. So if you are down and you can dance. Lets get together. Guys send your pics, age, and bio. I am 32 but I look much younger. I promise you! I love to dance and would be cool to find someone who can also dance. You will have to pay for your ticket. I will pay my own ticket. Looking for someone ages 25 to 32 only please! Not looking for a druggie either. Just someone who is a social drinker or dont like to drink at all. Not an alchoholic! Social smoker okay or non smoker. Not a chain smoker. I only smoke when I drink at the club if and when I do go out that is. Check out Nations webpage at buzzlife dot com for more info.

this is in or around Md/DC/Va

no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

I will let you play whatever* music you want, just as long as it is not loud enough for customers/clients to hear. (*nothing with profanity or a forgein language).

!?!?!?!?!?!??!??!!?!

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Reply to: pers-179447853@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-07-07, 3:49PM EDT

ISO musician for dating and illicit romance. nothing exclusive, but nothing exclusively behind closed doors. the romance equivalent of "dressy casual", probably.

You ought to like tall fat funny girls. and eat dead babies for breakfast. farsighted is good, because I look older. bonus: I fuck like I'm older.

I've been described as remarkably intuitive for a non-musician. I clean up well and come off as about 80% irreverance, 20% new age bullshit.

Things I Like:

cats

plants

solitude

fornication

sleepovers

"going there"

the libertarian approach

hoity-toity locale tourism

grandiose scheming

novelty

the socratic method

flux

good literature

terrible movies

I hope you despise social butterflies, like housecleaning, and speak many languages without being an arrogant, worldly fucker. Please also have cultiaved an appreciation for the abundant low-life in baltimore (and the world beyond) without being a terrific snob or even worse, a HIPSTER FUCKER.

Also please be introverted, unmarried, unpossessive, experienced, remarkably at ease in the present, brutally honest, neurotic, adventurous, realistic about your shortcomings, and under 35.

This is the less important section, but I tend to mesh well with tall, thin, brown-haired men with lots of testosterone ... you know, the ones who love cats, love good film, love good food, and are ruled by their senses of smell. don't hesitate to write me, even if that doesn't describe you at all.

and I hope at some point today you have asked yourself why the hell you're reading craigslist personals

this is in or around Baltimore

yes -- it's ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

179447853

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Reply to: pers-176995495@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-06-30, 12:21AM CDT

Im a 21yr old white female artist/daydreaming badass seeking an older (by which I mean 22-27 year old) man in the Madison area,
sense of humor and sarcasm a must. I also go HEAVILY on looks when it comes to anything but a friend. Prefer tall and buff-ish movie villain type. Foreign accent a plus but not required.

And yes I have pictures and such I can send, but you have to be worth it to get the damn things.

this is in or around Madison WI

no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

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Reply to: pers-180653025@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-07-11, 3:04AM CDT

I like:
*Simon & Garfunkel
*Iron & Wine
*Cat Power
*Beastie Boys
*Shellac
*Jose Gonzalez
*The Knife
*Lil Wayne
*the four right chords that make me cry

I also like:
*Zadie Smith
*Leo Tolstoy
*Franz Fanon
*J.D. Salinger
*Roald Dahl --Matilda to Kiss Kiss
*Jean Rhys
*Vladmir Nabokov
*a book that makes me cry at the end, not because it's sad, but because I've finished experiencing its grandeur.

I also like:
*Cigarettes
*Gin & Tonics
*Having vices
*Big dogs
*Having no marketable life skills but still being intelligent
*Bullet-point organization

I dislike:
*Hardcore vegetarians
*Cops
*Corporate whores
*Phonies
*Isms...sexism, racism, classism...et cetera.

You like ___.

this is in or around Chitown, Baby!

no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

180653025

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Reply to: pers-180869761@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-07-11, 1:47PM PDT

I thought it'd be cool to hang out with another straight or bi bro, watch hot pussy porn, exchanged thoughts about the movie, stroke together and bust a nut. If you are up for it, be 21-35, in good shape, clean and super discreet (got a GF). I need to travel, so you must host. Reply with stats, pics and location. Looking for this afternoon or tonight.

this is in or around LA/Valley/Hollywood/Westside/Eastside/Valencia/Central LA/Su

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Date: 2006-05-02, 9:58PM EDT

Here is a brief rundown of my encounters with the other lonely people. You can't keep this stuff bottled up. It'll kill ya.

#1.
Wow. You are surprisingly beautiful. From Pakistan, you say? How exotic.
No, I've never been, but I do support terrorism. Okay, that was a joke. Why are you shaking? Yeah, I'm a bit nervous too. First time and all. After hours of blithering about ourselves you are still nervous? I guess you are just a nervous person. Hey, is that your tongue in my mouth? Yep, it sure is. You're a great kisser. Oh, you really just see us having more of a friendship, eh? Then, may I ask, why are you moaning and licking the roof of my mouth? I know that I just had a Mento and they are deliciously minty. But really, I'm happy to give you your own.

#2.
What lofty position do you have at Alias Wavefront that you have access to the kind of computing power necessary to make your picture look so much less hideous than you actually are? Oh, you're from Liverpool. No, no, I find accents...sexy. Are we even speaking the same language? We should never have ordered food because now I have to watch you shovel that sushi pizza into your Homunculous face. Maybe you should find a floor grate to eat that over. Jesus Christ. Should I see if I can find a hose? Yes, the little folder that the guy just dropped on our table does contain the bill. Try not to look at it. I don't mind wasting my time and I love to waste my money but if I have to do both, for you, right now I'm going fucking kill everybody in this place and take the bloodletting out onto the street. It's okay, I'll tell you what you owe.

#3.
I'm okay. You're okay. The city is okay. I like spring too. Cats can be nice. The weather has been alright. My noodles are a bit soggy too. But not bad. No, not bad at all because nothing is truly bad nor is anything really that good. Beer is fine. Any one will do. Coffee or tea? I have no preference either. Should I hail a cab for you? We could just walk. Why don't we just stroll out into traffic together. Alive, dead. What's the difference, really?

#4.
We are obviously attracted to each other. You are a bit of a pot-head but I can live with that. You're voice is like sandpaper on my inner ear. Again, I can live with that, for now. You often repeat yourself and I'm not sure I can live with it but I'm doing my best. You didn't need to tell me how many guys you've banged but it is interesting nonetheless. You have a knack for spotting guys who just want to fuck a redhead, eh? I had no idea that was any kind of fetish. Funny. No need to worry, though, it's familiar territory. Hey, right on, we are fooling around on my couch. I am really horny. Oh my god, I've somehow killed you! Oh, its okay. You are in fact alive. What's wrong? You are just really quiet? You are sure that you are into this? Because I think that you may have just had a mild stroke. I wish I was one of those depraved redhead hunters because your lack of passion is inversly proportional to the hardness of my dick. Hmmm, I'm getting bored. Let's just smoke some more weed and I'll crack some more jokes.

#5.
You are cute in a Katie Holmes-ish, down syndromey kind of way. This bar is really loud so I miss a lot of what you say but it doesn't seem to effect our lopsided conversation one bit. You talk a lot but you only tell me stories about your friends. All I've gleaned about you is that you are an only child and are addicted to some reality show I've thankfully never heard of. Will you excuse me? I'm going to steal a car, drive to Malvern and see if I can get some high school kids to shoot me in the head. We settle up with the waitress and you didn't bring any money. How regal of you. No, I'll get it, no problem. At about 2:30 I ask, "Wanna get outta here?" You reply with, "I have to go home. Alone." I'm not sure how hot or interesting you think you are but what I meant was, "Can I please get the hell outta here?"

#6.
Your profile is amazing. We have all the same interests. You have an easy laugh. You're calm, independant, active, adventurous. You included a picture of your back tattoo eluding to some greater sensuality and the back that carried it was lithe, blemishless and sexy. We exchanged a few notes. The back and forth of electrons was full of wit and charm. We set up a date. I get there a few minutes early. You're late. More time goes by. I have another drink and then you're really late. After about 30 minutes I think to myself, "Thank God... whoever that is." You never show up and I just want you to know how happy I am. You never got the chance to befoul the perfect image I have of you. You will always be lithe, sexy, funny, happy, laid back and down to earth. And I will always be that snappily dressed, sarcastic, confident, mysterious hot guy without ever having the few minutes it would take to fuck it all up. I consider this my most successful connection to date. Um, to date.

#7.
By now I've seen enough. You sound sweet and you are attractive but I'm really just waiting to find out exactly why you and I will never stand on common ground and share a moment where the world makes sense from the perspective of being wrapped in each other's arms. I don't put much effort into getting ready for you. I don't even shave. I actually put on cologne that I don't like and I struggle with the psychological implications of this as I force myself out the door. When I see you its like looking in a mirror. No, you don't look like an unshaven dude. But you are just as jaded the one you are half heartedly listening too. We would pretend to be interested in each other but we aren't even pretending to be that interested in ourselves. You and I should probably go into counselling. And I don't mean together.

#8.
Now I'm really fucked up. When I was younger and dated a variety of women I always knew who the one with the problems was and it was always you. Now I'm not so sure. I've been really repulsed by some of these morons but it dawns on me that some of them probably found me silly. Maybe dorky. Maybe even stupid. The common denominator here is me. Oh, this is really bad. I got into this whole thing to meet women, have some fun and feel good about myself and now I'm starting to think that maybe I'm the idiot. So I sit here waiting for you at this noisy little cafe and I have no confidence at all. I'm a complete fucking tool! My mind is all frazzled. Maybe I can get out of here before you show up. Oh, shit. That's you isn't it? Short, brunette, glasses. Built like a shit brickhouse. You throw your hips as you stride over to me. My mind is completely corrupted. Complete system failure and there is no time to reboot. I start with the bad jokes right away. And worse yet, I'm laughing at them myself. You aren't. I feel like a drunk clown trying to entertain a cranky two year old. I stop recording before the pie hits me in the face. I don't want to remember this shit.

#9.
I've taken a few weeks off and my synapses are firing properly again. I'm a wonderful person. People like me. I wear that cologne that makes me smell like candy. We take our interweb conversations to a patio for some reality. Pretty standard stuff. You turn out to be a hot cougar. At least your body has stayed hot. No kids, I guess. The cigarette lighter suddenly illuminates the gauntness of your face. "Just What I Needed" comes over the speakers and I'm waiting for you to reveal that you are in fact Ric Okasek. Your voice has been soaked in gin and its kind of like being gurgled at by those vulture-things from The Dark Crystal. We decide to order some snacks. You pull your eyeball out of your head and hold it high in your hand, twisting it around like a periscope in an effort to spot the waitress. She doesn't see you at first but your barking gets her attention. You screech out your order with all the eloquence of a bandsaw cutting a piece of slate. You never look at the waitress and, in fact, treat her like shit. I enjoy my calamari despite the saliva, earwigs and bits of dust that I'm sure have found their way in there. I sit back in my chair and with one sip of wine my whole body relaxes. I smile as you prattle on. I'm so glad the problem is you and not me.

this is in or around Toronto

no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

156928061

there comes a moment in every mans life where he must ask himself: "how desperate am i?"

$150 - Staunch Republican Meat eating Homophobic Man seeks Roommate
Reply to: hous-184426655@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-07-20, 7:57PM PDT

Great place. I live up in the hills. My house is decorated with exotic hardwoods, marble, and stuffed endangered animals.
You have your own shower. And if you are an attractive female, you can share mine with me.
My hobbies include raising veal, playing poker with pension plans, paying strippers for sex, crushing the working man, penis pumping, excessive flatulance, and the general swagger of man headed to Hades.
May be open to female vegetarians who would be open to the occassional sausagewich.
503-666-6969
H.G.W. the Third

* this is in or around NW PDX
* no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

184426655
--

Still, I hope "sausagewich" enters the lexicon.

:(

------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------- Reply to: job-38047994@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-08-01, 1:42AM EDT

Me: Young (early-20s), goodlooking, sociabl, Ivy Grad, who
visits NYC very often for work... but because I don't know
anyone, I don't go out (hate going out alone) and always spend my
nights alone in NYC:(

You: younger (18-23), very attractive - perhaps even a model,
outgoing and knows DC very well, knows LOTS of attractive girls
and knows of lots of parties and knows the nightscene very well.

We would go out on the town every night I'm in town (7-10
nights/mo) and I would pay you $X every time I get "lucky". You
would introduce me to all your hot girlfriends/female
acquaintances and help me meet girls while we're out with the
goal of helping me "get it on"... I'm easy on the eyes and am
personable, all I need is an introduction... you can feel free to
give your female acquiaintances a few words of encouragement
(since you get paid every time I seal the deal)...

Send me your pic, tell me your age, and a little about yourself.
I'll reply with my pic and number. Then we can meet and negotiate
a mutually acceptible fee for you every time we go out and I "get
lucky" with someone you've introduced me to;)

You can be male or female; you'd be my wingman/wingwoman, and
help me meet attractive females 18-24 and have fun in the
process!

This is perfect for a fratboy/sorority girl type who has a large
social network... or a model/actress type who knows lots of
attractive people.

Please respond with:
1. age/gender
2. picture
3. brief paragraph delineating your social
outlets/networks/hangouts, etc. 4. what you think fair
compensation would be to be my wingman/wingwoman for a night
(10pm-1am); if you are effective, I'd use you everytime I'm in
town (7-10 nights/month)

Reply to: anon-39158353@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-08-12, 12:56PM EDT

No sex involved. I am looking for a dominant type with a
nice voice
between 15-22yrs old.
This is a non contact position. Phone and internet
interaction. I am offering
$125.00 wk to start. There is no set hours,days..this is
going to take very little of your time. I need motivation.
I am good looking 31 yr old white male.
Race,religion unimportant. You need to at least have a
bitchy side and have no
problem cursing. I need a pic from you so I have an idea on
who I am dealing with and to also weed out the internet
trolls. I am serious about this and I
hope you are as well.

At your service,
A.J.

this is in or around from home.
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other
commercial interests

ha,ha

I didn't know it was pink til it bloomed

Mamma bird needs papa bird to help bring worms back to the babies - w4m - 45

Hi there! Im a single momma with a nice round behind. I enjoy walking, book clubs, and making casserole. I also enjoy giving head and taking it up the pooper. I may be a single mom of 3, but i know how to party. How do you think those 3 kids came to be? well to tell you the truth, for two of them i dont even remember how they were concived. Anywho, I just want a giant penis. hit me up fellas!

not very funny:

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/30593810.html

I chased you for 12 years around the world, and I still can't find you - m4w

Date: 2004-05-07, 2:06AM PDT

When I met you in 1990, you said that you'd marry the man who'd follow you around the world. We were just sophomores in high school, so I didn't know what to think. I thought it was just some school girl romantic fantasy. All I knew was that you were the girl for me. We were only 15 years old, but I had this feeling that you'd play a major role in my life. After we graduated from Aragon High School in San Mateo, you revealed to me that you were accepted to Berkeley, but you wanted to go to Germany for college. Remember that night we spent ice skating at Fashion Island? You said that you loved me, but you had to cut off all ties with to be able to move on. That was the last time I ever saw you. I said I'd wait for you, but you told me not to and to just move on...but I remember what you said sophomore year.

You were accepted at the University of Tübingen, Berlin. I left home for Berlin. For 4 years I looked for you. You made the impact you always did in Berlin. People heard of you, but didn't know where you were. Nobody helped me. I wasn't good enough for Tübingen, so I attended Technische Universität Berlin where I earned a degree. I am now fluent in German, a language I never intended to learn. After graduation, I returned to San Mateo thinking you returned as well. I called your mother on the summer after you graduated, she said you had left for grad school in Tokyo. I left again, this time, to Tokyo. Auf Wiedersehen.

Your father said you are studying business at Keio University in Tokyo. I looked all over Tokyo for you. From the morning rush at Shinjuku Station, to the last train on the Tozai-line bound for Nakano. You were never found. To make ends meet, I got a job at NOVA, then in 1998 I got a real job at DoCoMo. I fell in love with Japan and its culture. I learned the language, and I am now fluent. Another language I never intended to learn. I went to the graduate office at Keio University's school of business seeing if you were set to graduate. There you were, on the list. I was denied entry to the ceremony since I had no tie to anyone graduating. That was the closest I had ever come to seeing you since grad night back in high school. Two months after graduation, I resigned from DoCoMo. I recieved an email from your cousin (You know, Jerry's ex-girlfriend) saying you had gotten a job in Hong Kong. I left my friends, my job, my home, my fiance, and everything Tokyo gave me to search for you. I'm so sorry Mizuki. Kima wa itsumo kokoro no naka ni iru.

It was 1999, and I had just arrived in Hong Kong, and so did you. Six months later, I found out you had left Hong Kong because you didn't enjoy your new job. From Causeway Bay to Kowloon, there were traces of you, but never the real entity. Your father told me you went to India for training for a tech company, then were to be set up in London. I don't know if I searched for you for no reason, but then again, my searches have always been fruitless. I went to Seoul to take up a lucrative job offer at one of LG's sister companies, Hiplaza, Inc.

In late 1999, I had already been established in Korea. I worked for Hiplaza, then 3 years later, LG. For the first time, I was free of the feeling of having to look for you. I was in a place I knew you weren't It was like a dream. A world without you. The dream ended 3 months ago when I left LG. Now the curse of your existence has returned. An nyonghi jumuship siyo.

I'm now back in San Mateo. I haven't been here in the bay area since 1996. All my high school friends are either married, dead, or gone without a trace. I have nobody here but my dysfuctional family. Your brother said last month that you're still in London and will return to the bay area permanently this summer. I chased you around the world for 12 years, learned 3 languages, made quite an amount of money, just to meet you in the town where it all began. Fashion ISland isn't even there anymore, but the ice skating rink is still there.

I'm not German, I'm not Japanese, and I am not Korean, but I can say anything in those languages, but I can't say anything to bring you back. You made the biggest changes in my life without barely stepping foot into it. I don't know if I should thank you or hate you, but one thing I'm sure of, I miss you dearly. Your cousin told me what your brother couldn't bring himself to tell me. 3 hours ago I recieved an email saying the reason why you're coming back is because you want to have your wedding in San Francisco, and that it was your fiance's idea.

Fuck you.

PostingID: 30593810

That is clearly a fictional story: the University of Tübingen isn't in Berlin, but in southern Germany. I know this because I was just in Berlin with a friend of mine who studies at Tübingen, and it took her nine hours to get there from Berlin. Do your research better, chap!

also nobody says goodbye that way in korean ever

http://newyork.craigslist.org/que/zip/458905427.html

FREE RECORDS
Reply to: sale-458905✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧
Date: 2007-10-24, 11:08PM EDT

GUY AGE 33 LOOKING TO GET RID OF A VERY LARGE RECORD COLLECTIONS
TELL ME WHAT YOU LIKE
YOU KINDA HAVE TO BE WILLING TO GO THROUGH THE COLECTION A BIT WITH ME SAY I KEEP THAT ONE THAT ONE IS OK TO TAKE LIKE THAT
WHO ARE YOU?
DO YOU LE COFFEE ?
IF YES BRING YOUR OWN-SAFE ENVORONMENT IF YOU DONT TRUST ME DONT WASTE MY TIME WHEN I GIVE AWAY FREE THINGS ITS KINDA INSULTING TO HAVE TO PLACE IT IN THE HALL AND CLOSE MY DOR SO AN ANIMAL CAN TAKE TH BAIT ITS NOT BAIT AND I DONT NEED TH INSULTS JUST BECASUE I AM A LONG HAIRED BIKE DONT MEANS I ISA CREEP

New "Loft Life" Atlanta based magazine looking for Bloggers
Reply to: job-457450✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧
Date: 2007-10-23, 5:08PM EDT

Our new magazine will serve as a manual for Atlanta loft living and everything that this entails. The urban, cultural, and economical nature of the loft life in Atlanta is a deliberate choice that so many people are making right now. The love of space, design, loft architecture combined with the benefits of living in a loft in the city are just a few reasons why people are choosing Loft Living.

If hired, we will pay $25.00 for every approved Loft Living post.

We are seeking the following themes:
- The "Finder": this blog is devoted to posting about cool loft finds, specifically things that are great to decorate or use in lofts.
- The Culture Person: blog about all the cultural and design related events in Atlanta loft culture
- Bachelor: The male perspective of loft life; how to create the best bachelor pad, the best bar to watch the game, etc.
- The Bachelorette: The female perspective of loft life
- Cheap Finds: devoted to listing the places to get "loft things" that are on the less expensive side.

If you meet this description, live in a loft in the city of Atlanta, are passionate about this fact, and would be interested in blogging about it, please respond with a breif description of your current situation and a writing sample or am example of a post you would write for the Loft Life blog.

* Location: Atlanta
* Compensation: $25.00 per post
* This is a contract job.
* Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
* Please, no phone calls about this job!
* Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

loft loft loft loft loft

http://columbiamo.craigslist.org/cas/506114444.html

**Please Please Baby** - w4m - 20
Reply to: pers-506114✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧
Date: 2007-12-11, 2:35PM CST

Hi boys, I'm a 20 year old junior at MU. I have to admit I have a bit of a fetish that I'm embarassed to tell my previous BFs, but now that im single I'm going to try to get it fulfilled:

I want a man to roleplay Dwight Yoakam with me. you don't have to look like him or even really like his music, just do a little research. we'll meet up, listen to some dwight and see where things go :)

I know this sounds weird but give me an email w/ a pic if you are interested and i'll reply back with one.

thanks

Want it from behind while you play Super Mario Brothers ? - m4w - 30 (Vancouver)

http://vancouver.en.craigslist.ca/cas/741280535.html

uh.

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/roo/748837728.html

that mario bros one is on every message board now

what about the swap anal cherry 4 xbox 360 one?

cant say ive seen that. When did you put it up? ;)

http://theinternetisterrible.com/wp-content/things/mom.jpg

http://i30.tinypic.com/vq1tms.jpg

advertising, looks, and chops a must
no BIG HAIR!!

Capture the voice of a Generation X Serial Entrepreneur
Reply to: job-744112✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧
Date: 2008-07-05, 10:35PM PDT

Highly successful serial entrepreneur is seeking a part-time writer and editor to assist in preparation, writing and editing of speeches, blogs and forthcoming books. Writing style must be practical, eloquent and efficient. The verbose need not apply. Editing skills a must. Several articles and half-written chapters need to be refined and enhanced for an upcoming book. Script writing a plus/ documentary in production!

Please send credentials, samples, and your three favorite authors, and movies and why?

Work from home opportunity with meetings and brainstorming sessions held in person in Hollywood and or Beverly Hills.

This is a chance to be a part of the next best seller, only the extremely ambitious need apply.

* Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
* Please, no phone calls about this job!
* Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

PostingID: 744112436

this runs through my head all the time:

I WANT SKULLS
Reply to: sale-210154✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧
Date: 2006-09-20, 10:27PM CDT

REAL SKULLS OR FAKE SKULLS, I JUST WANT ALOT OF SKULLS.

* no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

― teeny (teeny), Saturday, September 23, 2006 3:35 AM (5 years ago) Bookmark

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/tlg/4929392815.html

bassist bass player (L.A.)

--
los angeles >central LA >gigs >talent gigs
--
compensation: 100,000 year

http://images.craigslist.org/00M0M_iUqcmIwzysX_600x450.jpg

Hello Folks,

We are looking for a bass player. One who isn't named Blake and doesn't drive a 2002 Blue Volvo XC70 and constantly inform you that it's the safest car in the world and that it looks good for his joint custody hearing. A guy who doesn't act like an @$$ Hole when he meets your girlfriend by trying to get her phone number as you went to get him another beer (yeah B she told me, thanks). One who doesn't take an upper decker at your parents' house on easter sunday, and then blames it on your grandma. A bass player who doesn't get the band kicked out of the Sizzlers on Highland by cornering the waitress in the hallway and telling her, "your booty is why god invented my balls". Someone who has never worn a terry cloth sun-visor upside down, to the side, and went by his initials B.R.O. until he got the manager position at work, and then started power-tripping. Specifically on those of us who use to smoke him out in Terry's Acura at the Ralph's on western.

PLEASE: No stolen equipment brought to rehearsals, what you do on your own time should not cost a fellow band member (who was just dropping you off on his way home) a night in the back of a police car.

Once you come out to a rehearsal you'll see who we are and all will be made right in the universe

If these stipulations don't apply to you please contact us.
do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers
post id: 4929392815 posted: 6 days ago

^ totally wants Blake back in the band

Wanted- 3M to return to communicating.

3M is using and endless shape memory alloy belt on an extruder or
calender line. If this infringes on patent #6024907 it isn't authorized.
The following history the CEO has been made aware of. Names of individuals
(P. I. s) that infringed on patentee's rights in the last score years will soon
be published. This was a waste of stock holder money. Was taxpayer money wasted?

In May of 1974 patentee, recovered from a nervous breakdown 2 years
early, proposed a design using an endless belt. The design was based on old
patents such as #2849752 of 1958 which were mentioned at the following meeting.
This meeting , originally scheduled for the 3M Center, was changed by 3M to the
Holiday Inn in St. Paul for the afternoon of May 22, 1974. Patentee left the meeting
after a stranger walked into the room and adjusted the curtains and left. 3M's answer
to this meeting is attached. No design drawings were every sent to 3M although requested.

Extra Large custom exotic art already framed