Alternate endings to classic jokes

[sorry, i seem to have mutated the thread into non-jokes, rather than common-sense endings to jokes]

What's big, red and eats rocks? No animal exists that fits this description.

What's pink and hard in the morning? A penis.

Mutilated Zebra my arse.

If jokes were footballing nations, it would definitely be er.......a good team. There's noone safe to say in this, "the most exciting World Cup in years".

A. a deer with no eyes.

Possessed of extremely good balance.

Who's there?

Interrupting Sheep.

Interrupting Sheep Wh.........BAA!

Do you see?

Two nuns in the bath... one nun says to the other nun "Where's the soap". The other one says "It's by your elbow".

My wife went to the West Indies.

Jamaica?

Nobody's Fault But Mine.

[not a sensible answer, but still worth a re-post here i feel]

At about ten in the morning. His appointment was for 9:45 but the dentist was delayed.

Who's there?

A man with no arms!

What are you knocking with then?

Wouldn't you like to know!

What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes?

Unfortunate.

Jakarta?

Yes, she's having a wonderful time, I got a postcard this morning, look at the interesting stamp.

Al Jazeera?

No, I'm deaf.

Hmm, I think I should refer you to a psychologist.

I'm a newsagent not a doctor!

Steve

best joke itt is whoever managed to screw up the settings so everything is italicized

[/i][/i][/i][/i][/i][/i][/i][/i][/i][/i]

I like my coffee like I like my women. Without a penis.

Damn... all those tags couldn't remove the italics? Bummer.

We have to go deeper.

ITALICEPTION

>>foghorn sound<<

how do you titillate an ocelot?
you stimulate its g-spot a lot

what goes 'aaaa aaaaa aaaaa'

an extremely distressed child

Prank call edition:

* ring ring *
Caller: Is the refrigerator running?
Unsuspecting Dupe: Uh... yes?
Caller: Oh. You must not be a Bears fan, because William Perry suffers from Guillain–Barré syndrome and probably isn't running anywhere, you insensitive clod.
* hang up *

what's red and invisible

infra red light

Q: What's yellow and dangerous?
A: Mustard Gas

"Knock knock"

"I'm sorry, who are you disparaging? I wasn't listening."

Q: How many kangaroos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. It'd have to be a very large lightbulb though.

A horse walks into a bar. The barman shoos it out and tells its rider animals are not allowed in the bar, except guide dogs.

A man sees another man with a banana sticking out of his ear. He informs him, "Excuse me, but did you know you have a banana in your ear?" The other man replies, "I'm sorry but I can't hear you - I attended a My Bloody Valentine show and couldn't wear earplugs because of the banana in my ear."

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Anti-Joke Cat‏@AntiJokeCat

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

fail: joke.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Odd question in terms of intentionality, does a chicken have any conception of 'road'.

When you're sliding into first, and you feel something burst...

God is dead.

'How do I get to Carnegie hall"
"Lady, go up 5th avenue, take a left at 57th street, down two blocks and there you are"

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 6 had strong romantic feelings for 7 but subconsciously wondered if he wasn't good enough for her and how he could make the relationship work on his salary and how her kids from a previous relationship would receive him

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

An elephant with a chronic case of diarrhea, and also it's part rhino.

A man walks in the park and sees another man with a dog sitting on a bench. "Does your dog bite?", asks the first man. "No" The man proceeds to pet the dog, but the dog bites him. "I thought you said your dog didn't bite?!", he says quite angrily.

The second man replied - "Aye, normally he doesn't, but you're an annoying cunt"

Did you hear about the guy who stole all of the toilets from the police station?

Yeah, that sucks