ask dog latin

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Are you moving to Germany and is your current home a large grey stone one like the ones which are common in Bristol?

GG - that link doesn't work.

Refer to the Recently on ILX Dreams thread for explanation.

Aha! Well, the answer is, no, I've just moved to 1ckleford which is a bordering village on the outskirts of my old town of Hitchin. Despite not living with my g/f any more, I still get to see her whenever we like and I quite like living out in the countryside. I'd like to check out Berlin - I only went to Germany once on a school trip but we didn't see any cities.

btw GG - I'm sorry I didn't reply to your FB mail you sent all that time ago. I had meant to, but I was checking my mails on the hoof at the time and then forgot to get round to it - didn't mean to ignore you!

If you had to spend the rest of your life using only one piece of cutlery, which would you choose?

Do you feel old now that you're over 30?

have you ever considered writing a comedy script?

being a village I'd imagine 1ckleford is quite 1ckle.

Is it?

NBS - I went to a medieval banquet once up on Staffordshire where I had to eat a jacket potato using only a knife, which was fun and dangerous. So yes, a knife.

Is there anything more beautiful than an England flag?

Bob Six - I answered this question at length on the What's The Worst Part Of Getting Old thread. Answer in short: no I don't feel old, but a lot of my peers are doing their darndest to make it so.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ickleford - described as "a large village". I can imagine the name stems from the same place as "Icknield Way" which lies near it.

Which of the various apes/monkeys/lemurs etc. at Monkey World (Dorset's finest ape rescue centre) would you be most excited about seeing up close?

Have you ever had serious fun with a laser gun?

Say you order that knife, only there's an administrative error and when it arrives it's several hundred miles long. You get to use it only once, to cut Britain in two. Where do you make the cut, and which side do you stand on?

Was it not until the recent prominent news stories on the deaths of Gore Vidal and Vidal Sassoon that you realised they were, in fact, two different people?

Which of the various apes/monkeys/lemurs etc. at Monkey World (Dorset's finest ape rescue centre) would you be most excited about seeing up close?

― I've been to Suffolk (Nasty, Brutish & Short), Monday, 13 August 2012 12:10 (10 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Chimps

Have you ever had serious fun with a laser gun?

― I've been to Suffolk (Nasty, Brutish & Short), Monday, 13 August 2012 12:13 (7 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Not since Quasar at Stevenage Leisure Park closed down in the early nineties.

What was your favourite moment of the Olympics?

Would a spork not be more useful? (Though obviously not for cutting the country in two.)

Say you order that knife, only there's an administrative error and when it arrives it's several hundred miles long. You get to use it only once, to cut Britain in two. Where do you make the cut, and which side do you stand on?

― Ismael Klata, Monday, 13 August 2012 12:18 (3 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Good question. Assuming it would be this knife...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c9zuSTOE2vk

it should be able to cut anything. Sadly I wouldn't really want to cut Britain in two, and I couldn't give the knife away as a gift as that's bad luck, so I'd have to sell it to someone for a penny and they can make the decision about where this new Danelaw might be.

What was your favourite moment of the Olympics?

― Sick Mouthy (Scik Mouthy), Monday, 13 August 2012 12:24 (50 seconds ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Feck!

Is it about time Bruce Forsythe retired from Strictly Come Dancing?

Would a spork not be more useful? (Though obviously not for cutting the country in two.)

― Sick Mouthy (Scik Mouthy), Monday, 13 August 2012 12:25 (7 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Spork is the worst of both worlds.

Is it about time Bruce Forsythe retired from Strictly Come Dancing?

― I've been to Suffolk (Nasty, Brutish & Short), Monday, 13 August 2012 12:33 (3 seconds ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

IS that what he's doing now? I don't watch a lot of TV... Nah, keep him going. He will die on camera.

What's the ideal height for grass?

lawn grass?

What should I have for tea tonight?

SM - depends if you're in a hardwater area.

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

i have no way of telling whether you shall or shall not.

Where the party at?

my house 25th of Aug

How frequently do you use the phrase 'shiver me timbers!'?

You are at a clearing in a forest. To your right is a small cave. To your left a path rises up a hill, and you can hear a babbling brook. Directly in front of you a small gnome wearing orange pantaloons sits weaving something.

What do you do?

When The Proclaimers sang "I can understand why Stranraer lie so lowly, they could save a lot of points by signing Hibs' goalie" how did you react?

If, due to an improbable misunderstanding, you found yourself obliged to spend a month driving around Britain visiting every single motorway service station while dressed as spiderman, would you eat your lunch each day at the fast food establishments therein, or would you be tempted to make your own sandwiches and buy some fruit from a mini supermarket?

You're at the prow of a ship, a storm is rising. The crew haven't been fed in weeks and a mutiny seems certain. You have one leg.

What do you do?

How frequently do you use the phrase 'shiver me timbers!'?

― I've been to Suffolk (Nasty, Brutish & Short), Monday, 13 August 2012 14:04 (20 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Rarely/Never

You are at a clearing in a forest. To your right is a small cave. To your left a path rises up a hill, and you can hear a babbling brook. Directly in front of you a small gnome wearing orange pantaloons sits weaving something.

What do you do?

― Know how Roo feel (LocalGarda), Monday, 13 August 2012 14:06 (18 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

>Eat gnome

When The Proclaimers sang "I can understand why Stranraer lie so lowly, they could save a lot of points by signing Hibs' goalie" how did you react?

― I've been to Suffolk (Nasty, Brutish & Short), Monday, 13 August 2012 14:11 (13 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

I don't know this song by the Proclaimers. I prefer Sunshine On Leith and King of the Road.

If, due to an improbable misunderstanding, you found yourself obliged to spend a month driving around Britain visiting every single motorway service station while dressed as spiderman, would you eat your lunch each day at the fast food establishments therein, or would you be tempted to make your own sandwiches and buy some fruit from a mini supermarket?

― I've been to Suffolk (Nasty, Brutish & Short), Monday, 13 August 2012 14:19 (5 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

I would definitely make my own sandwiches as shop-bought sandwiches are full of salt - especially petrol station sandwiches which are ghastly.

You're at the prow of a ship, a storm is rising. The crew haven't been fed in weeks and a mutiny seems certain. You have one leg.

What do you do?

― Know how Roo feel (LocalGarda), Monday, 13 August 2012 14:19 (5 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Get horrifically pissed.

Is this as much fun as you'd hoped?

it passes the time.

If, on a winter's night, a traveller should come to your door and, after consulting with his wife, a haggard woman wrapped in the kind of blanket furniture-removals companies use to insulate pianos from the sides of their vans, although whether principally to protect their vehicles or the music instruments themselves is an interesting question, and one I had reason to examine in detail from a legal point of view when, during my own house removal a year ago, from Bahrain to a small island near Iceland (the supermarket, not the country), I noticed some scratch marks on the side of my own Bösendorfer, which, by the way, means "evil townsperson", an odd brand for a piano, albeit one made by a company now wholly-owned by Yamaha, once known in Britain mainly for their motorcycles but now somewhat unfocussed, with a product portfolio embracing everything from digital leaf-blowers to flatscreen spearguns and plasma dentures, a development all too familiar now to those of us who follow the fortunes of the large Japanese electronics companies, which are crumbling with alarming rapidity into irrelevance, in connection with which, by the way, I read recently that Sony no longer figures even amongst the top fifty Japanese companies by market capitalisation, and I must admit that there's been a sharp decline in my own use of the PlayStation recently, although that may have something to do with the repetitive strain injury that made my right arm seize up entirely the day after my 112th birthday, but, to retrace my steps (because I'm aware that this question is starting to get a little confusing, with all the complex syntax and the various branching subclauses linked into the flow of the sentence by conjunctions like "notwithstanding", notwithstanding the fact that I hadn't used "notwithstanding" right up until this parenthetical and meta-ouroborositical, if that's even a word, yes, meta-ourobositical example, damn it, spell-checker, stop underlining these words in red when they're perfectly valid, everybody knows that the ouroboros is the snake that swallows its own tail, and that if there is an adjectival form of the word it would be following perfectly normal English practice for it to be something like "ourobositical", on the model of "parasitical", or perhaps simply "ourobositic", I think I'll close my parentheses here), as I was saying, to retrace my steps - and I hope you're still reading this, Dog Latin, though I could certainly understand that you might have better things to do with your time, like for instance watching paint dry in one of those interesting BBC home make-over programmes which, in retrospect, were the sparkling film on the flimsy property bubble from which we all either profited or lost out, but, to get back to the gypsies on your driveway, or, to be more precise, the travellers on your driveway, on a winter's night, would you - to put this finally in the form of a question you might conceivably be able to answer, though I'm certainly not expecting, let alone demanding, a reply from you, even if you have set things up in a semi-challenge format with a kind of "I will answer all questions posed" structure, though, granted, with an added caveat that questions about your genitals will not be answered, or at least not with any serious statistics, though perhaps some lighthearted banter such as might be encountered in a pub lavatory when, thinking we're alone at the urinal, we are joined by an unwholesome fellow who insists - when there is plenty of spare room and even adjacent urinals whose plumbing arrangements are entirely separate from the one we are using, though of course he may be a homosexual and be choosing this place of proximity deliberately in order to study our genitals at the closest-possible socially-acceptable range, and even to catch a whiff of their particular odour and flavour - lighthearted banter, I say, resembling the kind that we will probably start to engage in ourselves in order to defuse the palpable sexual tension now hanging in the air and preventing our fleshy nozzles from discharging their payload of micturant waste, in the hypothetical scenario I embarked upon a few lines back and now wish, to be frank, I hadn't broached, for I have, if truth be told, some hangups of my own in that department, but fortunately, Dog Latin, you have already ruled "out of bounds" all references to that private organ, and therefore I will retrace my steps, as promised, eschewing all mention of the skull, the skull in Connemara, no, wait, that's not right, all reference to the evil townsfolk who live inside the damaged piano for which, I meant to reveal, I was paid the princely sum of £1500 in compensation damages in the court of assizes, that being, in the judge's view (and he was a keen amateur pianist himself, though I do not intend any smutty double entendres when I use the term "pianist", given the ban on genital references under which we are all currently working), the actual diminution in the value of my Austrian piano, consequent upon its damage by the ribald men in blue smocks whose cavalier attitude, I must say, would have irritated me enormously had I not, at some no doubt subconscious level, found them rather attractive in a roguish way, and spent perhaps a little too long watching them from my rapidly-emptying study, pretending to read my battered copy of The Anathemata by David Jones, the Welsh poet, I mean, not the late David Jones of The Monkees, or David Robert Jones of Brixton, who later changed his name to Bowie, and was, like me, a bisexual who never had a homosexual experience, unless we believe his bitter ex-wife who, in her memoir, claims to have found him in bed with the man he called "Mike" Jagger, since apparently everybody who knows Mick calls him "Mike" rather than "Mick", and in fact, laughs out loud whenever they hear people refer to him as "Mick", the way friends of Dr Henry Jekyll might when hearing someone refer to him as "Hyde", but, to return to my question, Dog Latin, and bring it to its fruitful conclusion, as the Very Reverend Laurence Sterne would perhaps put it, when referring to his father's twin habits of winding the clock and enjoying his wife, in that order, so that his wife, upon hearing the clock being wound, would, by pre-Pavlovian association, know that the chores and labours of conception - but the conception, in this instance, of a future literary hero, though one whose birth is never reached, due to the structure of the narrative itself, and its infuriating habit of taking two steps back for every one forward - awaited her mere minutes after, as soon as her husband had extinguished the candle and climbed into bed with her, but where were we, ah yes, the skull in Connemara, no, wait, the gypsies upon the path coming up to your door, Dog Latin, but I insist I never specified they were gypsies, for that is a despicable racialist appellation, but merely travellers, cold on a winter's night and no doubt desirous of some shelter in your garden, perhaps a comfortable spot beneath your trellises, should you in fact have trellises, or perhaps merely a grassy knoll which would give their gaily decorated caravan - and I don't mean to imply that they have one, because, remember, I have been scrupulously careful not to insist that they were Romany people, let alone stereotypical Romany people or, heaven forfend, "gypsies", a term, by the way, I abhor, but, and I want to pose this question in the clearest and simplest way I know how, Dog Latin, is it your general feeling that these are people you wish to assist with shelter, in a samaritarian way, and I see my spellchecker has spattered dotted red lines - the textual equivalent of screaming blue murder - beneath the adjective "samaritarian", but it seems to me entirely logical that, should there be such a thing as a generic samaritan, then to behave like him must surely be "samaritarian", but again the blood spatters beneath the word, and again I am staring into the empty sockets of the skull, the skull in Connemara, so I will simply conclude, as directly as I can, with the appeal to your samaritarian... but no, no, I cannot stand the blood, the rising tide of typographic blood is drowning my subordinate clauses one by one, all is disorder, this sentence is sinking fast to the grammatical equivalent of Davy Jones' locker, and I now realise I should have included that Davy Jones in my list as well, don't you think, Dog Latin?

http://www.deliciousmagazine.co.uk/userfiles/image/Nov%20issue/Comps/Tilda-Pure-Basmati-500g_del.jpg

When will there be a harvest for all the world?

If, on a winter's night, a traveller should come to your door and, after consulting with his wife, a haggard woman wrapped in the kind of blanket furniture-removals companies use to insulate pianos from the sides of their vans, although whether principally to protect their vehicles or the music instruments themselves is an interesting question, and one I had reason to examine in detail from a legal point of view when, during my own house removal a year ago, from Bahrain to a small island near Iceland (the supermarket, not the country), I noticed some scratch marks on the side of my own Bösendorfer, which, by the way, means "evil townsperson", an odd brand for a piano, albeit one made by a company now wholly-owned by Yamaha, once known in Britain mainly for their motorcycles but now somewhat unfocussed, with a product portfolio embracing everything from digital leaf-blowers to flatscreen spearguns and plasma dentures, a development all too familiar now to those of us who follow the fortunes of the large Japanese electronics companies, which are crumbling with alarming rapidity into irrelevance, in connection with which, by the way, I read recently that Sony no longer figures even amongst the top fifty Japanese companies by market capitalisation, and I must admit that there's been a sharp decline in my own use of the PlayStation recently, although that may have something to do with the repetitive strain injury that made my right arm seize up entirely the day after my 112th birthday, but, to retrace my steps (because I'm aware that this question is starting to get a little confusing, with all the complex syntax and the various branching subclauses linked into the flow of the sentence by conjunctions like "notwithstanding", notwithstanding the fact that I hadn't used "notwithstanding" right up until this parenthetical and meta-ouroborositical, if that's even a word, yes, meta-ourobositical example, damn it, spell-checker, stop underlining these words in red when they're perfectly valid, everybody knows that the ouroboros is the snake that swallows its own tail, and that if there is an adjectival form of the word it would be following perfectly normal English practice for it to be something like "ourobositical", on the model of "parasitical", or perhaps simply "ourobositic", I think I'll close my parentheses here), as I was saying, to retrace my steps - and I hope you're still reading this, Dog Latin, though I could certainly understand that you might have better things to do with your time, like for instance watching paint dry in one of those interesting BBC home make-over programmes which, in retrospect, were the sparkling film on the flimsy property bubble from which we all either profited or lost out, but, to get back to the gypsies on your driveway, or, to be more precise, the travellers on your driveway, on a winter's night, would you - to put this finally in the form of a question you might conceivably be able to answer, though I'm certainly not expecting, let alone demanding, a reply from you, even if you have set things up in a semi-challenge format with a kind of "I will answer all questions posed" structure, though, granted, with an added caveat that questions about your genitals will not be answered, or at least not with any serious statistics, though perhaps some lighthearted banter such as might be encountered in a pub lavatory when, thinking we're alone at the urinal, we are joined by an unwholesome fellow who insists - when there is plenty of spare room and even adjacent urinals whose plumbing arrangements are entirely separate from the one we are using, though of course he may be a homosexual and be choosing this place of proximity deliberately in order to study our genitals at the closest-possible socially-acceptable range, and even to catch a whiff of their particular odour and flavour - lighthearted banter, I say, resembling the kind that we will probably start to engage in ourselves in order to defuse the palpable sexual tension now hanging in the air and preventing our fleshy nozzles from discharging their payload of micturant waste, in the hypothetical scenario I embarked upon a few lines back and now wish, to be frank, I hadn't broached, for I have, if truth be told, some hangups of my own in that department, but fortunately, Dog Latin, you have already ruled "out of bounds" all references to that private organ, and therefore I will retrace my steps, as promised, eschewing all mention of the skull, the skull in Connemara, no, wait, that's not right, all reference to the evil townsfolk who live inside the damaged piano for which, I meant to reveal, I was paid the princely sum of £1500 in compensation damages in the court of assizes, that being, in the judge's view (and he was a keen amateur pianist himself, though I do not intend any smutty double entendres when I use the term "pianist", given the ban on genital references under which we are all currently working), the actual diminution in the value of my Austrian piano, consequent upon its damage by the ribald men in blue smocks whose cavalier attitude, I must say, would have irritated me enormously had I not, at some no doubt subconscious level, found them rather attractive in a roguish way, and spent perhaps a little too long watching them from my rapidly-emptying study, pretending to read my battered copy of The Anathemata by David Jones, the Welsh poet, I mean, not the late David Jones of The Monkees, or David Robert Jones of Brixton, who later changed his name to Bowie, and was, like me, a bisexual who never had a homosexual experience, unless we believe his bitter ex-wife who, in her memoir, claims to have found him in bed with the man he called "Mike" Jagger, since apparently everybody who knows Mick calls him "Mike" rather than "Mick", and in fact, laughs out loud whenever they hear people refer to him as "Mick", the way friends of Dr Henry Jekyll might when hearing someone refer to him as "Hyde", but, to return to my question, Dog Latin, and bring it to its fruitful conclusion, as the Very Reverend Laurence Sterne would perhaps put it, when referring to his father's twin habits of winding the clock and enjoying his wife, in that order, so that his wife, upon hearing the clock being wound, would, by pre-Pavlovian association, know that the chores and labours of conception - but the conception, in this instance, of a future literary hero, though one whose birth is never reached, due to the structure of the narrative itself, and its infuriating habit of taking two steps back for every one forward - awaited her mere minutes after, as soon as her husband had extinguished the candle and climbed into bed with her, but where were we, ah yes, the skull in Connemara, no, wait, the gypsies upon the path coming up to your door, Dog Latin, but I insist I never specified they were gypsies, for that is a despicable racialist appellation, but merely travellers, cold on a winter's night and no doubt desirous of some shelter in your garden, perhaps a comfortable spot beneath your trellises, should you in fact have trellises, or perhaps merely a grassy knoll which would give their gaily decorated caravan - and I don't mean to imply that they have one, because, remember, I have been scrupulously careful not to insist that they were Romany people, let alone stereotypical Romany people or, heaven forfend, "gypsies", a term, by the way, I abhor, but, and I want to pose this question in the clearest and simplest way I know how, Dog Latin, is it your general feeling that these are people you wish to assist with shelter, in a samaritarian way, and I see my spellchecker has spattered dotted red lines - the textual equivalent of screaming blue murder - beneath the adjective "samaritarian", but it seems to me entirely logical that, should there be such a thing as a generic samaritan, then to behave like him must surely be "samaritarian", but again the blood spatters beneath the word, and again I am staring into the empty sockets of the skull, the skull in Connemara, so I will simply conclude, as directly as I can, with the appeal to your samaritarian... but no, no, I cannot stand the blood, the rising tide of typographic blood is drowning my subordinate clauses one by one, all is disorder, this sentence is sinking fast to the grammatical equivalent of Davy Jones' locker, and I now realise I should have included that Davy Jones in my list as well, don't you think, Dog Latin?

― Grampsy, Monday, 13 August 2012 14:47 (24 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

If Davy Jones counts, does http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dafydd_Jones count?

When will there be a harvest for all the world?

― I've been to Suffolk (Nasty, Brutish & Short), Monday, 13 August 2012 15:12 (11 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Never. At least, not simultaneously seeing as harvest time / harvest festival is celebrated at different times of the year in different countries. This is not necessarily a bad thing as the global homogenisation of harvest would lead to many countries picking their crops at an inopportune time.

When asked what your height is do you insist on giving a measurement in nautical miles?

i am exactly 1/2 of a knot off my target weight.

Wooo! Statim sera sentio ambulavero in periculo. Si ego me intueris puellam quandam a omnino alienus.

Which was your favourite caramel shop?

it was so long ago and i have visited so many in my time that i don't remember.

downloaded any good albums recently, dog latin?

Nah.

You?

by a band

i heard a band

yeah, the barenboim/boulez recording of the liszt piano concertos, lee gamble's new album, and the new richard pinhas / tatsuya album

i suspect you might like the lee gamble album

i tried a lee gamble compilation once and it kind of sailed over my head. but i read a good interview with him in the Wire later that made me think I ought to give him another go. I have very similar feelings about Kassem Mosse - just waiting for the right time and place.

I Didn't download albums, but I did get this through the post today (as mentioned on the outernational thread). http://www.soulbrother.com/shop/spiritual-jazz-vol-5-2/

Haven't listened to it yet but it look interesting.

I love Soulbrother records, I think I started a thread on that label.

That comp is quite good. Only given it a cursory listen. Might have been expecting a bigger 'world' influence as it's largely impossible to tell which country each track originates from without reading the sleevenotes.

the title / opening post in this thread is excellent, much better than it would have been if you got your code right

Wayne Rooney

(re op) What do people think of a scene from a comedy script I've got in the works? was probably the best ilx ever, how you feeling about it as its 10 year anniversary nears?

Failing to type out Wayne Rooney in all different fonts vs Worst attempt at 'teh funneh' ever...? I'm just proud to have given ILX these gifts.

Kind of want to hear a Wiz Khalifa / Migos style track called Wayne Rooney now.

There were some amazing scripts in there, one day someone needs to make the portmanteau movie. Adam Sandler?

Did you ever manage to afford to travel abroad?

i've been abroad, never went 'travelling'. prob won't get to do any of that till retirement now.

What made you think of love and tears
And birth and death and pain?

Dear DL,

What was the origin and meaning of your Wogan Lenin dn?

(Still number one google result for "wogan lenin"!)

Dear DL,

What was the origin and meaning of your Wogan Lenin dn?

(Still number one google result for "wogan lenin"!)

― a pleasant little psychedelic detour in the elevator (Amory Blaine), Wednesday, January 28, 2015 10:19 PM (1 hour ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

an in joke. circa 2006 my friends at home decided they wanted a friend called wogan. they chose me to have the name. later we formed a short lived Ramones-styled punk band where everyone had stage names. i was wogan lenin. the guitarist was steve mugabe, the drummer was satan christ and the bassist was ike stalin or something... can't remember.

What made you think of love and tears
And birth and death and pain?

― The inscrutable savantism of (Sanpaku), Wednesday, January 28, 2015 9:32 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

not ignoring you, just having difficulty with the question

the short term answer is sanpaku.

okay then!

ask dog latin [Started by sorry for asshole (dog latin) in August 2012, last updated 16 minutes ago by UK Horseshit Cru (dog latin) on I Love Everything] 13 new answers

Just posted that so people think someone other than dog latin contributes to this thread.

But the last update on this thread for a long length of time would be Dog Latin's answer

Has he FPed himself yet?

beg your pardon?!

What age do you expect to retire?

pfffff..... probably die before i reach it, realistically.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XcEKtVZ0XX4

Have you ever quoth "Euge! Sophos! Hooray!"?