thread of inappropriate professional attachments

I actually disagree about the whole "cannot control" this thing.

I think you misunderstood me.

You most certainly can control your actions, regardless of your feelings. However, if the feelings themselves were easily controlled, you would already have banished them from your mind and consequently would not have be having any difficulties over them.

However, if my advice made no sense to you, it is unlikely you can make anything of value out of it, so it's fine with me if you just dismiss it. I still wish you good luck in turning this into a much happier situation.

i have an inappropriate professional attachment that's never going to happen and would be the worst idea ever

I'm not sure I can really talk about it here (paranoia!), but I just need this space to bury my head in my hands and weep salt tears.

also - imploding speech centre.

I am not sure if I am happy or slightly disappointed to report that he has done something utterly tragic to his hair over the weekend, but he instantly went from Bends era TY to Karma Police TY and I think that's done for the crush. My crushes can survive anything but bad hair. Why do attractive men do terrible, disfiguring things to their hair? I will never understand it.

So.

Just when I thought I was safely over this.

Owner of the company (BigBoss) today came over and asked me how I'd feel about taking on {Project X type work} as an additional component of my job. I said yeah, actually that sounds really interesting and fun, and would take some of the pressure off MyImmediateBoss. Great! Fantastic!

BigBoss then tells me that from now on I will be working even more closely with OfficeBoy on Project X. MyImmediateBoss then rings me to tell me that BigBoss has told him that he thinks that OfficeBoy and I should work together more because he thinks we will "really get on well together."

basically: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

How do I nicely say that I don't want to work with someone - not because he's not capable and clever and good with numbers, all of which he is - but because I find it impossible to talk with him without staring like a mooning teenagers at his cheekbones? There's "get on well with" and then there's "have such an inappropriate crush on that working together is almost impossible."

Or do I just shut up and deal and act like an adult and keep it to myself?

If I were a man in this situation I'd punch myself in the face with how gross this is. :-(

They are basically setting up the two new show-off know-it-all smart-asses in the office to catch one another out.

^^^^^I was correct. This is exactly what they are doing.

StupidAnnoyingCoWorker asked him earlier if he liked football. OfficeBoy responded, I shit you not "I absolutely hate football. Watching it is so boring." My ladyboner nearly exploded.

I can't handle this! I have to work with this guy!

Cut the tension by telling cutie that as a smart guy and hater of football, he's gonna make some woman an excellent boyfriend someday.

There is no tension anywhere except in my head.

How do I nicely say that I don't want to work with someone - not because he's not capable and clever and good with numbers, all of which he is - but because I find it impossible to talk with him without staring like a mooning teenagers at his cheekbones? There's "get on well with" and then there's "have such an inappropriate crush on that working together is almost impossible."

Or do I just shut up and deal and act like an adult and keep it to myself?

If I were a man in this situation I'd punch myself in the face with how gross this is. :-(

I have worked in an office for years with a few coworkers whose appealing physical attributes make them very distracting. Sometimes you just have to knuckle down and look them in the eyes instead of their "cheekbones".

His eyes are even prettier. Deep green. So looking in his eyes is even worse. :-/

You mentioned that you didn't like his hair, look at that!

This is a much better plan. Maybe I can convince him to shave his head!

once upon a time there where cute arty fags at my job whom i'd consider propositioning but no longer.

shave his head

His scalp is certain to undulate in irresistably sensuous curves.

working closely with them just means that it almost imperceptibly turns from being a crush into a gigantic trap from which you cannot escape because it is daily renewed, even if you wanted to escape, which you don't, because you're heartsick for them, and even when opportunities to escape do arise (haircuts, the inevitable annoying thing they do or say, moments of sense and clarity) you cannot take advantage of this opportunity (because you cannot just stay away from them, because you are working closely together) you can only raise a brief flailing hand above the waters, before sinking back into the cold ache of the waters' grasp.

maybe. i mean i cd see how it might work like that on occasion. I'm sure you'd be fine, WCC.

Perhaps, you need to turn him from a crush into a colleague or a friend. There's lots of reasons why continuing down this path will be bad news for you. Tell him you used to have a crush on him but now that's he's messed up his hair, it's over. It will make him wary of you crushing on him. It sounds like it fits your usual style of banter. You'll have unburdened yourself of part of your crushitude and moved you away from the crush object area and closer to the professional area. I have lots of inappropriate crushes. I almost always tell them, but calmly and fully cognizent of the fact that it's highly unlikely to be requited and that it would almost scare me out of my crush if it were, and, regardless, I am perfectly capable of keeping my wits enough about me to never ever do anything. Then you can vaguely flirt and be a pal and enjoy your crush instead of kicking yourself in the head over it and they'll know that they have a discreet and civilized admirer.

One of my inappropriate professional attachments bought me a cappuccino yesterday.

are they inappropriately attached to you? mutual inappropriate attachment?

Argh. And yet sigh. And yet swoon. And yet so much ARGH.

I am beginning to suspect that WCC has no intention of listening to any advice in regard to this fine fresh fellow, whether it is good, bad or indifferent, but rather asks ilx only to provide her a dumping ground for her latest gush of feelings. We may observe, or not, as we are moved to.

OK. :-)

Go fuck yourself. Seriously.

OK. :-)

I think at least a couple of times there has been mutual inappropriate attachment (never acted on), but this instance was just shameless flirting and bribery in order to get the rules bent in her favor. I can be swayed with drinks, chocolates, or flirting (pick any two) and everybody knows it.

xpost those of us forever perched on the knife edge of inappropriate professional attachments invite you to take any criticism of our sorrowful state to the thread of inappropriate conversational judgements.

Go fuck yourself. Seriously.

More fun when it's light-heartedly

DANGER! DANGER! DANGER WILL ROBINSON! DANGER! DANGER!

http://www.healingtoday.com/lost_in_bass_files/image058.gif

^^^ actual gif of real-time ilx'ing

inappropriate robotic attachments

If somebody makes a thread to park their day-to-day feelings, the LEAST others should be able to manage is:

-don't come here just to shit on someone who's made the effort to isolate a narrative in a particular place so you're not troubled elsewhere;
-have the self-awareness to understand you'd be really cross if someone disrespected you in this way;
-people feeling conflicted happens in real time, so it's unfair to pretend that's not a thing for more than one person here.

That's all; it's been a stressy day so me/the internet parting company for the night lest I give myself a nervo watching Newsnight a la social media.

everyone otm

Suzy absolutely OTM.

I was always under the impression that this was a thread simply to describe workplaces crushes: do you have one, have you had one, share the awkward/cuteness.

That I have very much enjoyed reading other people's experiences, sharing their feelings and silliness. It makes me feel less of a freak, that I'm not alone, that other people go through this stuff, too, and we all somehow manage to deal and either enjoy/torture ourselves as appropriate. I thought the other day, after Aimless's first post, of stating explicitly "I can't speak for Rayuela or Hazel or Fizzles, but I'm not looking for advice. I'm just looking for other people's funny or awkward or charming stories and a place to share mine." But stupidly I chose to be nice instead of saying what I really thought.

If you are so sure of your infinite wisdom to turn it into a THREAD OF INAPPROPRIATE UNSOLICITED ADVICE anyway, be aware that your observations are worth the paper they are written on. That goes double if you are separated by gender, culture, age, etc. from the people you are so worthily attempting to ~advise~. A bunch of men telling a grown woman how she should experience her own emotions is really NAGL. If someone is repeatedly ignoring the ~helpful advice~ you were not asked for, but you were arrogant enough to presume was wanted anyway, it might *not* be a character flaw in the advisee. Especially if it is very clear that you are not "advising" or ~calling out for inattention~ any of the other people on the thread who are participating in the actual spirit of the thread.

Anyway. I think f.Hazel has entirely the right idea, of using outright bribery and flirtation as a way of diffusing inappropriate professional attachments. I might try this in the future, but this morning, I have rather hilariously (to the rest of the office, at least) managed to zing OfficeBoy into a grovelling mess of contrition due to a banter gone wrong. Twice.

the problem with advice, from my perspective anyway, is that it tends to assume that a person isn't aware of the weaknesses/options out/how other people wd do it. In fact, the people suffering (specifically me here - WCC seems to be having a blast) tend to be more acutely aware of their weaknesses and the potential solutions than the person offering the advice - they've been pored over endlessly, agonisingly. you know the goddam advice you just cant do anything about it. that's why they're weaknesses! it's therefore a question of personality or will, and there, I'm afraid, advice is at best inutile, and usually, being rather the perspective of differing personalities than any special clarity, unwelcome.

there's no hate in the point I give, I just want room to fuck up. yea, even that has its amusing side.

(and MW's advice made me laugh tho (in an amused way - its probably not bad advice as it goes) as it almost exactly describes what I did (right down to the hair). but I ballsed it up innit.

ditto with this being a space to vent my neuroses in an almost certainly futile attempt to expunge them in a space that is not in front of the lustworthy coworker in question, rather than seeking advice on how to ...what...not feel lustful feelings? to control them? to make it happen? (almost never a good idea!)

mw's advice made me laugh because that's something i would never be smooth enough to do, and would almost certainly make everything a gazillion times worse.

elaborating above that i don't think i can control my lustful feelings by sheer force of will but i congratulate and envy those who can

Well, that has backfired badly.

To everyone who said, this wouldn't end well, you were right, this has not ended well.

After being told that we should work together, and me making an effort to try and understand what he was doing and what he needed me to do (he is training to be one of the portfolio analysts, I am a SQL programmer who looks after the data and does data pulls)

I then find out yesterday that he 1) went to my boss and 2) went to my other, junior colleague to ask for SQL training. Essentially so he won't have to work with me. So yeah, he basically went to everyone else in my department - all the men, I notice - and I don't even know if it's just to cut me out of working with him, or if he is actually after *my* job (I wouldn't put it past anyone, I have had to deal with this shit in the past, from hotshot new young men who join, I get told "train them to do your stuff" and then a few months later, they have either cherry-picked all the fun and interesting stuff out of my role, or indeed cherry-picked me out of a job. This is the shit that happens when you work in finance.)

This on top of some stray comments yesterday that made it quite clear that he's one of those men who has quite specific ideas on what constitutes a ~lady~ - and that I don't measure up (quelle surprise.)

This is basically the sort of fucking stupid office politics shit that I LOATHE and would in any situation - the fact that it's him doing it, that basically makes it feel like double the betrayal.

But basically this has in one swoop changed him from "someone I thought I could have a laugh with" to "someone I will never trust, professionally or otherwise." Fuck this shit, seriously.

ah fuck, sorry to hear that WCC.

Well, it just completely justifies and reiterates my policy of never, ever, ever make friendships at work. This is why I have such a low opinion of general humanity - because whenever I let down my guard, or even think "hey, this could actually be OK" someone comes along to shit on me.

well I'm off on holiday now - maybe it's time to take this opportunity to destroy the crushes, feel the strength of independence from emotional attachments, and CRUSH instead our enemies.

just mustn't go anywhere near her eyes when I get back.

Oh! Exciting. Where are you going on holiday?

Perhaps there will be an ~holiday fling~ to take your mind off it?

I don't have much hope of experiencing Viking Lust (or Pictish. I'm not choosey) in the Orkneys but you never know.

(It goes without saying but: Aimless - don't think about offering any advice)

These have not as much to do with the coworker you like, as much as the fact that they're there with you every damn weekday. People are charming, so much so that it can hurt.

WCC that sucks, but maybe he was too proud or something to ask you for training, like he wants to impress you? Or at least be on your level to better 'battle' with? But yeah with the other stuff :/
Sounds like you're a good SQL trainer though, which believe me is not something many people can do well.
I still kind of want to see a picture of this guy...

Hmmm. I didn't think about that explanation. 20-something boys are weird in ways I guess I don't understand. I just really felt like he was going behind my back, I didn't think that he might be intimidated or proud.

The other stuff, like, out of context it might have been funny, but it was just the two things together.

We were kidding around before work - one of the directors is about to go on holiday, and there will be a new woman in the office to cover for him. And I said "I'm really glad that there's going to be another lady in the office." (Because it is really overly blokey at the moment.) At which OfficeBoy turns to me and says "Ooh, you best not let AnalystX hear you saying that" (AnalystX being a young, attractive, very ladylike female colleague, the only other full-time female in the office every day.) At first I said "I said *another* lady, not *A* lady" - then turned him and said "Why? Are you trying to say that *I'm* not ~a lady~?"

At which he turned beet red and started stuttering, then put his head down on the desk and covered it with his arms, going "argh I give up" or something really weird like that, instead of just laughing and saying sorry. And I tried to make a joke out of it but really... that was pretty clear to me. Young, attractive, feminine ColleagueX is ~a lady~ and I'm ... ????? Like, fuck that shit.

In general, I think it would really just be for the best if I didn't work with this lad at all.

On second thought, I probably do just scare the shit out of him. He is a child, basically.

Also, this thread is de-indexed, right? And if not, please can it be? thanks.

Oh hai, I have one of these now.

hey wcc, sorry to hear about that -- perhaps there's a perfectly reasonable explanation?

even if there isn't, you're better off, and at least now you know to be wary of him?

it sounds as if he thought you were counting yourself as a lady but not analystx, hence 'you'd best not let her hear you saying that', presumably because she might be offended, but then you were offended and he felt awkward about offending you and gave up.

Or he was dismayed that you were so ready to assume that he can't hear the difference between "a lady" and "another lady".

I read it the same way as estela.

No, those readings really don't match at all to what he said and how he acted. He really thought I said "a" and did not think through what he implied about me.

But this is not the issue, the issue is him going behind my back to my colleagues and that I am going to have to bite the bullet and talk to him about if I want work not to be unpleasant in a small office.

This should probably no longer be on this thread and now be on the "stupid annoying cow-orkers" thread.