Six Tips for Avoiding an Office Affair

when an attractive co-worker talks about scheduling an appraisal, resist cocking an eyebrow and saying, "i would appraise the goddamn out of that fine, fine ass"

actually, that is actually really good advice for avoiding an office affair

7. become known as "a sex pest"

8 use sexual metonyms like 'skirt' 'ass' etc

7. Don't cheat on your wife, you sniveling fucking coward

9 note that you have the means to pay for high quality abortions at any trimester

10. urinate in a bottle you keep beneath your desk

11 talk extensively about your ex-wife in disparaging terms

12. ass don't count

13 cry when coworkers talk about sex

14. Ignore your coworkers completely except when your job demands that you communicate with them.

14. only flirt with ugly coworkers

hey

15. Describe in glowing terms your coworker Mike's "abs of steel.'

16. put a throw pillow down the front of your pants - automatic sex repellent for men AND women

17. develop a teeth-sucking habit

18. Admit in mixed company that Whitney is your favorite album "of the century."

19. Always talk about your STDs during lunch.

20 show off your new lice comb to coworkers

21 wear your tightest booty shorts on casual Friday

22 describe your roller skating hobby in details

23 never allow anyone in the audience to see you when you aren't picking your nose

24 never wash

24a ...down there

25 never wipe your backside

26 drink plenty of coffee and eat nothing but beans, ensuring diarrhoea and constant flatulence.

I'm going to have to reconsider the opinion I have of a lot of people I used to work with. At the time I thought they were disgusting soap dodgers, but really they were nobly trying to avoid an office affair.

a worthy Michael Bolton title.

"Please Don't Wash Down....There."

"Everybody's Crusty"

ok, so what if i'm single? is there a guide for banging my coworkers?

do the exact opposite of those 6 tips

27 pick your ears with your finger and display the wax proudly

28. Dress the part:

http://rlv.zcache.com/isapi/designall.dll?rlvnet=1&realview=113727555895700737&design=f1e6f913-1f1a-4e3c-87e1-d53db2826f1f&style=ladies_fitted_spaghetti&size=&color=white&pending=false&pdt=zazzle_shirt&max_dim=512

29. Play on, player.

30. be a shambling unattractive wreck of a human being

31. Join the Society for Creative Anachronism

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/7/71/Giovanni_Battista_Moroni_009.jpg/511px-Giovanni_Battista_Moroni_009.jpg

read "I'M AN AROMATIC ASEXUAL"

If your coworker is dyslexic, i would stay way from #28.

32. At no time touch the other person's genitals, or encourage them to touch your own

33. surgical genital extraction upon being hired

34. saltpeter in the coffee

35. total rejection of all human emotion

34. Add cyproterone acetate or benperidol to the water cooler.

Sorry bout the ignored XP. I think the benperidol would solve a lot of office drama, btw.

35. Take your shoe off and go, "Jesus, this damn bunion!"

36. Clamato

^^ otm

37 Get your shinebox

38. Choose Cheez-Its over oysters for a vending-machine snack.

That dude's dong cozy is amazing.

Automatic thread bump. This poll is closing tomorrow.

41. do not suppress flatulence

42. Add libido-suppressing drugs to the office water-cooler.

0. Don't sleep with anyone who works in your office, for fuck's sake.

43. work from home. every bloody day. by yourself. staring out the window. trying not to procrastinate. hoping for a better life.

^^^ rejected lyrics for Radiohead's 'Fitter Happier'

44. "I'm trying to go for a Paul Ryan widow's peak thing here with my hair"

45. "did i ever tell you about the suit of human skin i've been working on?"

46. Horribly mutilate your genitals.

47. Horribly mutilate the genitals of your co-workers.

48. "Do you like this hat that I made out of a hobo's scrotum?"

49a "It was a real challenge to stretch and tan it."

(sorry that should have been 48a)

49. Group e-mail everyone in the office with a link to this thread and 'lol' as the subject.

50. Work in IT.

51. pull someone aside so far that you've both exited the building then run back inside before they do and lock them out to avoid temptation

52. Have an orange on your desk that's gone completely brown and dry.

53. Make sure all other employees at your workplace are of a gender or species in which you have no sexual interest.

54. modify your workspace to include a standing desk and a giant bucket full of cement that will cover you from the waist down

55. Divorce your spouse.
56. Stop working.

Several of the OP tips are good advice. #6 just seems creepy.

I'm guessing the intention of #6 was that by knowing their family, you'd fully realize the gravity of initiating an affair with them.

But seeing as how you presumably already know your SO's family and that apparently isn't enough of a deterrent, I'm skeptical of its efficacy.

leak a fake email alleging you had gay sex with a prostitute in an attempt to conceal the affair

I have a mental exercise I do sometimes if the thought crosses my mind where I picture myself in a movie about an embarrassing affair. I'm always played by an aging Kevin Kline in this movie.

lol mookie

this one seems relevant to a conversation I had a while ago where someone claimed it is difficult to remove things from your list of skills on linkedin if you have "endorsements":

uncheck "casual sex" on your linkedin

― goole, Tuesday, October 30, 2012 11:57 AM (2 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

is it really a skill if it's casual

the skill is in keeping in that way

filthy casual

I did all of those things, and still nowt. (when I was single, OK?)

― Mark G, Tuesday, October 30, 2012 4:54 PM (2 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

The good thing about not being famous is never needing to write your autobiography.

I actually did have an orange on my desk that had gone brown and dry. We left it as an experiment because our office had no natural light or air. It went very crispy, and rattled a little when you shook it.

57. Kill your co-workers.