I just left my girlfriend

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Aw, good luck. If you have any really patient friends, you should go gripe to them over a couple pints- that sometimes helps. And try to find some things that really excite you, and busy yourself with them- distraction is sometimes the best strategy for a few months.

― lyra (lyra), Wednesday, 27 August 2003 21:33 (twenty years ago) link

Factoid: I only give my boyfriend a pain in the ass when he asks very nicely.
I am sure you are severely underestimating your ability to be a pain in the ass.

― spice boy, Wednesday, 27 August 2003 21:58 (twenty years ago) link

Oh Matt, you know what I told you about posting anonymously to ILE. Get off the thread darling.

― Archel (Archel), Thursday, 28 August 2003 12:07 (twenty years ago) link

Actually, whoever you really are, get off the thread and take your pointless sexism with you.

― Archel (Archel), Thursday, 28 August 2003 12:09 (twenty years ago) link

I'm undergoing a similar situation, and, ironically enough, I received the best advice I've heard on the matter from another ex-girlfriend. Most people will react to the pain of a break-up (whether it was initiated by themselves, the other party, or if it were a mutually reached decision) by either burying all vestiges of emotion they once felt for their partner, or by clinging and becoming desperate and -- in short -- being all emo about it. Less frequently travelled is the middle path: not hiding or suppressing whatever emotions you may still have about the person you broke up with, but not turning these emotions into some grand passion play where you star as the victim (or the tormentor, whatever floats your boat.) Continue to care for them if that's what you're going to do naturally, let it go if that's what you're going to do naturally. Just don't play into the temptation to exaggerate or bury your feelings in order to make the pain go away. I really like what Tep had to say: pain isn't necessarily cleansing or a sign that you've taken an existential wrong turn; pain just is. Some days it will be nothing more than the barest of throbs in your chest, other days you'll feel like lying in bed for hours so as not to risk the chance of your nerves going haywire. You can't control it. What you can control is your response to the pain, and the wisest response is NOT to fuck with your natural reactions to the situation just to make life easier in the short run. I hope this helps, maybe it sounds vague, but I've been living by this for the past few weeks and it's kept me remarkably sane. In any event, DL, best of luck to you.

― justin s., Friday, 29 August 2003 16:39 (twenty years ago) link

I really like that post, justin.

― David. (Cozen), Friday, 29 August 2003 17:38 (twenty years ago) link

Well, we met up the other day and after much heart pouring and constructive criticism, we both decided it was worth giving it another shot. Maybe this is a bad idea, but whatever happens at least if we split up again, we'll know it's for the best. I'll let you know what happens.

― dog latin (dog latin), Saturday, 30 August 2003 13:45 (twenty years ago) link

two months pass...

Yeah so I broke up with my gf of 10 months... it wasn't quite as messy as expected. Basically I'm moving and we're drifting apart and the relationship has been kind of crappy the past few months. Now I have to resist the urge to get in contact with ex's. And sleep with the first girl I see. At least I get to move to NY being a free agent... thanks. (Am I doing a good job of hiding the hurt and anger and emo?)

― Aaron W (Aaron W), Wednesday, 5 November 2003 03:35 (twenty years ago) link

― TOMBOT, Wednesday, 5 November 2003 03:40 (twenty years ago) link

I'm actually kind of suprised by how not hurt or angry I am... it seemed like this was a long time coming.

― Aaron W (Aaron W), Wednesday, 5 November 2003 03:44 (twenty years ago) link

shit happens.

― strongo hulkington's ghost (dubplatestyle), Wednesday, 5 November 2003 03:45 (twenty years ago) link

i'm jealous

― the surface noise (electricsound), Wednesday, 5 November 2003 03:46 (twenty years ago) link

& now I can share my thoughts and feelings with ILX instead of her.

― Aaron W (Aaron W), Wednesday, 5 November 2003 04:02 (twenty years ago) link

go for it.

― Kingfish (Kingfish), Wednesday, 5 November 2003 04:07 (twenty years ago) link

aw did you break up with her for yanc3y aaron?!

― geeta (geeta), Wednesday, 5 November 2003 04:09 (twenty years ago) link

you just did this so you can secure your lead in the basketball league!!

― rob geary (rgeary), Wednesday, 5 November 2003 04:11 (twenty years ago) link

Wow, it really is like my relationship... where's the love?

― Aaron W (Aaron W), Wednesday, 5 November 2003 04:13 (twenty years ago) link

you missed it. look for yesterday's "mildly kinky" thread.

― Kingfish (Kingfish), Wednesday, 5 November 2003 04:16 (twenty years ago) link

don't if you value whatever remains of your faith in the world

― strongo hulkington's ghost (dubplatestyle), Wednesday, 5 November 2003 04:23 (twenty years ago) link

yeah right. as if living in ann arbor and detroit will leave one with any of that.

― Kingfish (Kingfish), Wednesday, 5 November 2003 04:30 (twenty years ago) link

aaron w you know it's all love. maybe you shouldn't resist the temptation to look up an ex. you know, maybe it's time to be friends again! or whatever. dude, it's more time for records.

― rob geary (rgeary), Wednesday, 5 November 2003 04:31 (twenty years ago) link

grow a beard!!

― rob geary (rgeary), Wednesday, 5 November 2003 04:34 (twenty years ago) link

dude! yeah! beard & records!

― Kingfish (Kingfish), Wednesday, 5 November 2003 04:36 (twenty years ago) link

aka how to keep potential future girlfriends at arm's length until your emotional recovery is complete

― rob geary (rgeary), Wednesday, 5 November 2003 04:37 (twenty years ago) link

no offense meant to beard-wearers or beardophiles

― rob geary (rgeary), Wednesday, 5 November 2003 04:38 (twenty years ago) link

Man, I wish I could grow a beard... mine comes in so gross and patchy... although I guess that would succeed in keeping away the ex's. But agreed about records. Scott 4 (the album, not that crappy band) is currently getting a lot of play.

― Aaron W (Aaron W), Wednesday, 5 November 2003 04:50 (twenty years ago) link

you should grow a beard anyway! nay, you are compelled to grow it precisely because it will be sucky. (there's always the chance it won't be which means everybody wins.) but not to get too hirsute and tangential here are some other breakup-consolation prizes you should award yourself:

cigars and/or liquor
bath (pref with one of the above)
meat
duh, videogames
general slovenliness

enjoy!

― rob geary (rgeary), Wednesday, 5 November 2003 08:48 (twenty years ago) link

aaron you totally need to hear the new dwight yoakam single, it's all about this

― cinniblount (James Blount), Wednesday, 5 November 2003 08:51 (twenty years ago) link

OH SHIZZLE blount reminded me

bluegrass

― rob geary (rgeary), Wednesday, 5 November 2003 08:52 (twenty years ago) link

(alone or in conjunction with all the above)

― rob geary (rgeary), Wednesday, 5 November 2003 08:52 (twenty years ago) link

HI DERE

― Amazing Randy (Amazing Randy), Wednesday, 5 November 2003 10:15 (twenty years ago) link

good move. the only thing i like better than people breaking up is if someone dies.

― duane, Wednesday, 5 November 2003 12:01 (twenty years ago) link

ps I am still with my girlfriend and we're getting on fine.

― dog latin (dog latin), Wednesday, 5 November 2003 12:32 (twenty years ago) link

Way to go, Aaron. Staying in a bad relationship is D U M B. And I wouldn't hold back the urge for a rebound. Sometimes those can blossom into something more.

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Wednesday, 5 November 2003 14:23 (twenty years ago) link

atta boy, aaron
you've freed yourself

― dyson (dyson), Wednesday, 5 November 2003 14:47 (twenty years ago) link

''no offense meant to beard-wearers''

none taken.

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Wednesday, 5 November 2003 14:52 (twenty years ago) link

like rob said, it's probably better to avoid exes and focus on records to avoid futher complications.
i hope you're taking comfort in the fact that you are not doing one of the dumbest things ever: moving away towards the end of a fizzling relationship but not breaking it off. end result: furtive affairs, tense phone calls, and weekend visits that result in vase-hurling throwdowns.

― lauren (laurenp), Wednesday, 5 November 2003 15:43 (twenty years ago) link

It is probably for the best, Aaron. At least when you move you can make a totally fresh break.

― Nicolars (Nicole), Wednesday, 5 November 2003 15:45 (twenty years ago) link

Aw well thanks everyone. I'm trying to grow a beard, and am learning the joys of Tony Hawk 4 thank you. Tonight I saw the semi-ex -- it's in that nebulous nether-region at the moment. I think we're gonna take a break while I'm away and then see about restarting once she moves as well. Which, yeah, is way better than pining and cheating and all the rest. And I guess it gives me license to slut-dom. Or something.

Gonna check out the new Dwight Yoakam single as well.

― Aaron W (Aaron W), Thursday, 6 November 2003 07:02 (twenty years ago) link

Aaron,

My serious advice: Stick to THPS4, THUG is not worth your money. Learn the art of the revert to manual, it will treat you will in the end.

Yours,
gygax!

― gygax! (gygax!), Thursday, 6 November 2003 07:24 (twenty years ago) link

Are those R. Kelly albums??

― rob geary (rgeary), Thursday, 6 November 2003 08:02 (twenty years ago) link

oh nevermind they're videogames. good lookin' out aaron!

― rob geary (rgeary), Thursday, 6 November 2003 08:03 (twenty years ago) link

three months pass...

Hi, back again (I'm afraid). We split up again on Valentine's Day and it's starting to properly dawn on me now. It was quite a mutual agreement, we still love each other a lot but we were arguing at least once every week about basically the same things so we decided to call it a day. And now I'm alone and so is she and neither of us like it one bit. We've spoken a lot since, there's been tears and we've been taking it in turns to comfort each other - it feels a bit pathetic as this is not really the official behaviour for a recently split pair.
So now I'm at home feeling sad and listening to Pet Sounds, wondering if this was the right thing for us and trying not to look at cards, gifts, photos from the last year. Gonna look back over this thread and read all the nice things you guys said the last time round.

― dog latin (dog latin), Tuesday, 17 February 2004 02:39 (twenty years ago) link

they say that time is a great healer and it is sad and shit but true.

― RJG (RJG), Tuesday, 17 February 2004 02:42 (twenty years ago) link

Yes, I'm at that cynical stage where I don't want to believe it for some reason. It's like a masochistic will not to want to let go.

― dog latin (dog latin), Tuesday, 17 February 2004 02:50 (twenty years ago) link

pet sounds will help.

― s1ocki (slutsky), Tuesday, 17 February 2004 03:30 (twenty years ago) link

so will die hard.

― RJG (RJG), Tuesday, 17 February 2004 03:33 (twenty years ago) link

totally, though i'd avoid die harder and esp. die hardest.

― s1ocki (slutsky), Tuesday, 17 February 2004 03:44 (twenty years ago) link

dont watch all the real girls or comtempt, its for the best.

― todd swiss (eliti), Tuesday, 17 February 2004 05:44 (twenty years ago) link

try not to listen to sad records. bad, bad idea.

― mandee, Tuesday, 17 February 2004 05:47 (twenty years ago) link

Skipping 30 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

I saw an ex who I was majorly hung up on for a few years last night. Was very anxious/nervous because I hadn't spoken to her in uh years, seen her around and wanted to say hi but just felt I couldn't. So we had a couple nice, short conversations and she disappeared at the end of the night and freed me from making a bigger ass of myself (I told her on the subway ride down I was thinking about when we first met... I think it weirded her out but I was just being nostalgic). Anyway, being someone who tends to really dwell on past relationships, I'm feeling a big breath of fresh air today, having just broken up with someone else recently as well.

So um the point is that things take care of themselves if enough time goes by. And Gareth's advice about getting out and being the person you want to be - not dwelling on others - is key. I know I've had lots of, "if only I was different or she was different things would've worked out" dialogues go thru my head. It's worthless. Leave the past in the past. Things didn't work out for a reason.

― Aaron W (Aaron W), Thursday, 26 February 2004 15:25 (twenty years ago) link

(that's should've been "I told her that on the subway ride down..." she wasn't with me then.)

― Aaron W (Aaron W), Thursday, 26 February 2004 15:27 (twenty years ago) link

The other thing that is causing me problems is The Work Thing. I mean, we work in the same office, but my computer faces away from her, we don't really have to interact with each other as far as getting the job done goes. In some ways 'tuning her out' for the best part of the day is possible, especially with the joys of earphones and CD players and whatnot, even if it does leave me well out of the social loop in the office.

But I don't know whether its harming my chances of getting over things as quickly as possible - being forced to see each other every day. But at the same time, I don't want to leave her under a dark cloud, I'm not otherwise especially unhappy in my job - although I had been considering moving on anyway.

I'm torn between whether to try and make a clean break with all this, or whether to sit here and see it out and only walk away once we've got things sorted. I can't help fearing that if I leave with things unresolved, and without us friendly again, we'll drift apart for good and that's the last thing I want to happen. Thankfully she's going to the Far East for a fortnight in a couple of weeks, that's about as much space between us as I could ask for, I suppose. Maybe I should set the time when she gets back as some target to work towards... see how I feel after a bit of absence.

But I certainly don't want to end up skint or in some shitty job I hate for another couple of years just because I got upset and walked out.

― Different regular posting anonymously, Thursday, 26 February 2004 16:45 (twenty years ago) link

*if* you're thinking of moving on anyway then it's probably an idea to start actively looking for other jobs. but definitely your last sentence is key.

not spending time around her will definitely make the whole thing much, much easier, though.

― toby (tsg20), Thursday, 26 February 2004 17:07 (twenty years ago) link

I'm torn between whether to try and make a clean break with all this, or whether to sit here and see it out and only walk away once we've got things sorted

neither! you have to do neither, you are putting her at centre too much. you have to deprioritize, and stop making decisions, rules, just make it less of an issue

if I leave with things unresolved, and without us friendly again, we'll drift apart for good and that's the last thing I want to happen.

you can't resolve it, its not yours to resolve, you just have to let it go a little, you cant make it alright, you can make it less of an issue though, by not focussing on it. you might drift apart, you might not, but you have to be in a position where its ok for that to happen.

you just have to back off, let it go, the more you try and do, the worse it will get...

― gareth (gareth), Thursday, 26 February 2004 18:37 (twenty years ago) link

three years pass...

do you believe in life after love?

― That one guy that hit it and quit it, Friday, 13 July 2007 09:43 (sixteen years ago) link

He got a lot of play from the ladies, did DL. I'm assuming he offered a lot of jobbing actresses parts in his sitcom if they gave him a little boom chikka wow wow.

― Dom Passantino, Friday, 13 July 2007 09:45 (sixteen years ago) link

I even believe in life before love.

Hopefully DL will come back. I miss him.

― nathalie, Friday, 13 July 2007 09:48 (sixteen years ago) link

i think he's the next grozart y/n?

― That one guy that hit it and quit it, Friday, 13 July 2007 09:49 (sixteen years ago) link

http://img152.imageshack.us/img152/5540/orange9lj.jpg

"This week Mr Stew I am curious about minimal"

― Dom Passantino, Friday, 13 July 2007 09:50 (sixteen years ago) link

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