Is Jack Colback the least glamorous footballer in the Premier League?

That 2003-04 season was the first year of Abramovich madness, when they signed Crespo and Mutu. Then sent Forssell out to Birmingham where he comfortably outscored every Chelsea player. Happy times.

He was the Lukaku of his day. Oh look, Veron!

2001-present day LFC's only winners Gerrard and Torres. Suarez wants to up his game, even Danny Murphy has had better months than him.

Odemwingie's won this 3 times! No wonder he wants a pay rise.

Jack Colback has orange boots. I am confused.

Joey O'Brien

just realized he isn't andy o'brien's brother

Yerman who scored for wba today

http://i.imgur.com/xOd1Y2C.jpg

gave good interview after the game imo

Ben Watson (footballer born July 1985)

lol i love how his name is so ordinary that not only does it have to be disambiguated by year but by month too

Sunderland midfielder Jack Colback has rejected the offer of a contract extension, meaning the 23-year old – who has a year left on his current deal – now likely to be sold in the summer to avoid the possibility of him leaving on a free.

upping his glam factor

midfielder

http://i.imgur.com/JbwjtIU.png

loool at change image in op

unless... that was always there and i never noticed

I read through WBS's original post and thought "Aaron Hughes, never heard of him", then scrolled down a bit further to see that I'd posted "Aaron Hughes, never heard of him". I'll be back on the opening day of the season with the same thought.

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2013/10/17/article-2465285-18CBAF6F00000578-459_634x429.jpg

Jonathan Wilson ‏@jonawils 1h

Why on earth was Crystal Palace v Sunderland the 3rd most watched Prem game on US TV so far this season?

Jonathan Wilson ‏@jonawils 1h

Labour day weekend (+ Altidore + ko time) seems the most plausible explanation; Jack Colback's US fan club the least.

if jack colback is going to become the new lol emile heskey signs for real madrid retarded bantz glam/antiglam ting then maybe it's time to anoint another

hope he has a really good season as poyet gets sunderland to a resoundlingly emphatic 14th in the epl and then signs for chelsea for £5m, playing 14 games in three years and just getting abused by get involved commenters for picking up his 50 grand a week

http://twitter.com/tattoobaron/status/247701615757373440

― r|t|c, Friday, 4 January 2013 22:05 (10 months ago) Bookmark

just a reminder that this is now belongs to the manager of a professional football club

http://i.imgur.com/AGGwNFx.png

GOAL! Cardiff 2-2 Sunderland (Colback, 90min+5)

Sunderland equalise with what must be the final kick of the match!

The little beauty. Had 17-1 treble that ended with Cardiff and Sunderland drawing.

It has been a year.

http://www.premierleague.com/content/dam/premierleague/shared-images/matches/2013-2014/epl/cardiff/cardiff-vs-sunderland/action-images/car-sun-1314-281213-ps23.jpg

It is time to ask:

Is Jack Colback still the least glamorous footballer in the Premier League?

Now Jack is cool enough to be acknowledged by Manny Giaccherini and Ki-Sung Yeung, not to mention get zinged by goalpost enthusiast Jonathan Wilson, is he still the anti-glammest of the anti-glam? (Yes, I'm aware some of us think Chris Baird is less glam, but he's at Reading now. Which admittedly is probably actually less glam, but they're in the Championship now, so his benchmarks for anti-glam are significantly stiffer now. Like Simon Gillett levels of anti-glam)

Let's club-by-club this business. There's a fair few new contenders...

ARSENAL

...but not really here so much. I mean, Kieron Gibbs? Maybe? Does anyone ever really think about Kieron Gibbs? Do we actually know that Kieron Gibbs is good or just that he's not worse than lots of other people?

Nah, there's nothing for us here, really. Not even Nacho Monreal.

(Checking that image again, Giaccherini isn't really looking at Jack, so that's some ordinariness restored)

ASTON VILLA

Now it begins.

I'm checking this off against the Fantasy Premier League squad lists, and it turns out Ciaran Clark is Villa's most valuable defender. Who knew? So that's probably him off the list, I guess.

The Lambert youthmass does throw up some other contenders though. Nathan Baker, for instance, is mainly notable for not being Ciaran Clark. No-one seems entirely sure what the point of Alex Tonev is. Or Yacouba Sylla. Nicklas Helenius could be a contender if he'd played more, since he's both neither Libor Kozak nor Andreas Cornelius. But then there's the thing where he got pantsed by Vertonghen. Oh well. Karin El Ahmadi it is, then.

El Ahmadi was Dutch Esquire's most fashionable footballer of 2012 so shouldn't really be a contender.

He looks like the kind of person who would hang out with Seal.

CARDIFF CITY

Being overshadowed by others is a key attribute of the non-glam, and the recent Cardiff shenanigans have done a very good job of making the club's actual players even less discussed than before. Peter Whittingham is one of Cardiff's biggest names. So is Jordon Mutch. That is how glam Cardiff aren't.

So then:

Ben Turner - a hulking ex-Coventry centre-back who I believe has been ever-present this season but who is only responsible for four of the top 10 image hits for his name on Google image search, the other six belonging to an actor off of Casualty. None of those images are of him in Cardiff's current kit.

Andrew Taylor - once upon a time not so very long ago, the mere fact of being an English dude in the top flight who could play at left-back would be enough to put you in the international caps conversation. Unfortunately for this Middlesbrough academy product (*tick*), that is no longer the case. Even more GIS-challenged than Turner, with three of his first four image hits featuring him in Boro's kit. He hasn't played for them since 2011.

Don Cowie - quite good on Football Manager. Probably first top-flight player since Don Hutchison to be called Don. Ex-Caley Thistle and Watford.

Craig Noone and Declan John probably haven't figured enough to discuss here, but could be worth a look at in future (though Noone, if I remember right, is an ex-proper job-haver, which I think disqualifies him as it means he could very feasibly be given the full-page interview treatment in The Guardian at some point)

Kevin Theophile-Catherine's fantastic name totally riles him out, but I feel it should definitely be pointed out that he has a really fantastic name. Even typing it makes me feel slightly minty.

CHELSEA

Nope. Not even fifth-choice England left-back Ryan Bertrand.

http://i.imgur.com/61iIGoC.jpg

CRYSTAL PALACE

And here's the game-changers.

Firstly, let us consider the phenomenon of "Look at Chamakh here", the phrase that nearly every pundit seems to reach for when asked to diagnose Palace's ills. Whether it be wearing non-black boots, having inexplicable hair, or not doing Danny Gabbidon's job for him, it feels as though everything that's gone wrong for Palace this season has been laid at the doorstep of Marouane Chamakh, meaning more or less all other Palace players tend to get completely ignored in yr mainstream medias.

Then there's the small matter of Palace's astonishingly awful summer transfer window, in which they tried to bolster their Championship squad by bringing in so many other Championship players that Fantasy Premier League's Palace player list contains at least four people who didn't make Palace's final 25-man squad. Poor Florian Marange's picture has had to be taken from his time at Bordeaux, so remote are his chances of actually playing for Palace in the Premier League this season (NON-GLAM FACT: Florian Marange is still more expensive than Nathan Baker in Fantasy PL).

This means there's a whole bunch of players in their squad you might not have realised were actually at Palace. Jerome Thomas, for instance. Jimmy Kebe. Adlene Guedioura. Elliott Grandin. Adrian Mariappa.

But three figures tower o'er all these in the non-glam stakes:

Joel Ward - ex-Portsmouth academy product who appears to be carving out a career as a young English top flight right-back without anyone noticing. Given the season Kyle Walker's having, that takes doing.

Damien Delaney - a 32-year-old Cork-born centre-back with eight whole caps for the Republic of Ireland (comparison: Sean St Ledger has 36). Has played in all but one of Palace's games this season.

And then, this guy:

http://www.c-palace.org/images/players/stuartokeefe_2012.jpg

Who I think might just be a contender for the whole damn thing. So much so I'm gonna let you tell me about him.

(clue: it's not Dean Moxey. Or Steve Morison)

EVERTON

Tony Hibbert has yet to feature for Everton in the Premier League this season.

Walkers had a resurgence of late tbh but kiu otherwise

FULHAM

"Look at Berbatov here."

Anyway, much as I'm still not exactly sure who Patjim Kasami (automatically disqualified for That Goal), Ashkan Dejagah or Alex Kacaniklic are, there's one name that truly stands out:

http://www.wallcrazy.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/aaron-hughes.jpg

I know we've talked about him upthread, but let us consider that ol' Aaron is now in his 16th season of being a solidly 6.7 top flight player. 88 Northern Irish caps, 1 goal (against the Faroe Islands). Retired from international football in 2011, only to go back on that decision the following year.

Best of all, these sentences from Wiki:

Hughes is able to play centre back, right back or left back, as well as anywhere in midfield.

Hughes is renowned for his disciplined defending, as he holds a record of making over 400 Premier League appearances without getting sent off, which is the third most in the history of the league.

13 games for Fulham so far this season. Roll on, sir.

HULL CITY

...WHO THE FUCK IS "DAVID MEYLER"?...

― r|t|c, Friday, 28 December 2012 18:10 (1 year ago)

Well, yes.

Despite being easily the most successful of the newlypromoteds, Hull still have plenty of "Did you know?" players in their midst. For instance, did you know Abdoulaye Faye was still in the Premier League? Or Liam Rosenior? Heck, did Liam Rosenior ever leave? Wasn't he at Reading or Fulham or both or something?

James Chester would have been a contender till his goal scoring exploits at both ends against Man Utd. Alex Bruce ticks loads of boxes but is much too well known for being his manager's son. Danny Graham was quite good at Swansea (for a bit) and is now much too well known for not scoring. Elmohamady is in the title sequence for Final Score. George Boyd has probably been too good for too long outside the top flight to be considered.

Robbie Brady... Hmm. Does anyone ever think about Robert Koren?

In November Steve Bruce announced that Aluko denied a contract extension, this blow to Hull came shortly after Aluko tore his Achilles again which would see him out of action until February.

believe the word is "chutzpah"

LIVERPOOL

Not really.

MANCHESTER CITY

Did you know Jack Rodwell exists?

MANCHESTER UNITED

Alex Buttner wouldn't get in Southampton's first team. But no, not really in the conversation here.

xp - dammit, how did I forget Aluko? The only Premier League player whose sister is probably a more famous footballer than they are...

Players' presence in fantasy could be a helpful measurement here eg. Ben Turner has quite the following in the fantasy community, even awarded the nickname "burner" (admittedly primarily to differentiate him from Norwich's Michael Turner (aka "murner"). James Chester too, even before the Utd game.

xp I don't really think Aluko is least glamorous - he's potentially a glamour player for City fans at least if he ever turns up in the Prem and does anything - but that's some fantastic cojones refusing the contract extension

Kieron Gibbs? Maybe? Does anyone ever really think about Kieron Gibbs? Do we actually know that Kieron Gibbs is good or just that he's not worse than lots of other people?

Nah, there's nothing for us here, really. Not even Nacho Monreal.

― William Bloody Swygart, Saturday, 28 December 2013 23:08 Bookmark

i know what you mean but gibbs' various eye-catching defensive lassitudes keep him in 'the conversation' and therefore ineligible

the true wearer of that partic crown imo is CHRIS SMALLING who despite international footballer status has kept very shtoom all this while and suggested nothing to betray the suspicion he is some sort of elaborate subtler-than-bebe tax dodge

going to pre-empt the spurs write-up by noting that my favourite 26 year old career reserve team curio "simon dawkins" is belatedly turning out to be a real terror in the champo for derby this season

guessing the mystery eagle is i-can't-remember-your-name-but-let's-try-"john-joe" o'keefe

who iirc has only fleetingly surfaced this glamour season and not ever in the championship?

aha half a coconut for me

who names their kid stuart srsly

great find for the wiki thread tho...

LIVERPOOL

Not really.

Brad Smith

You mean Brad Jones? I'm tending to just include players who get games, cos it's kind of cheating including substitute keepers. Ross Turnbull used to be at Chelsea and he's miles less glam than big Brad, as is Richard Wright at Man City, Rob Elliott at Newcastle, Stephen Henderson at West Ham, and Norwich's stunningly unnecessary double-bill of Mark Bunn and Carlo Nash.

Anyway:

NEWCASTLE UNITED

Hmm. Hmm hmm hmm. Now, Newcastle's recent upsurge, along with their various quality buys from overseas, should mean they've not many contenders here. But what with the majority of said buys being French, that means they've all kind of been lumped together as 'Newcastle's French legion' or, using the term I prefer because I've just come up with it, 'Alan Pardew's Moulin Rouge'. This means that many of them find glam a bit harder to come by than they possibly ought to - Yoan Gouffran, for instance, is having a quality season, but keeps getting overlooked so people can praise Loic Remy instead, on account of they can remember Loic Remy's name and he was Newcastle's only summer signing, thus highlighting him gives them an opportunity to reflect on the genius of Pards. Or something.

Mapou Yanga-Mbiwa - is the fact I keep subconsciously hearing his name in Guy Mowbray's voice a case for or against his glamness? Bearing in mind there aren't really any commentators' voices you'd particularly associate with Ya Kid Colback.

Anyway, this all just seems a bit quibble in the face of Newky's proper anti-glam don - professional lummox Mike Williamson. He's stodged along unnoticed at the heart of United's defence for most of this season, and has yet to receive any hint of being considered for international duty despite being a English centre-back getting regular games at a top-half club. Now, that's largely cos he's not very good, but it does suggest a fairly decent ability to repel the limelight too. I don't think Newcastle have any serious contenders here, but he seems the best of the bunch.

NORWICH CITY

Man, where to start... Seb Bassong is pretty much the only regular member of Norwich's defensive unit you wouldn't consider on this thread, and that's because he used to play for Spurs. What is Stephen Whittaker? Was Martin Olsson actually more glam when he played for Blackburn? Is Russell Martin the only player who could rightly lay claim to the title of 'this generation's Graeme Murty?' Ryan Bennett used to captain Grimsby Town, you know. I think he's still under 23.

It gets somewhat more glam when one moves further up the pitch, mind, albeit that the major legacy of Norwich's Movember drive is that Robert Snodgrass and Bradley Johnson now appear to be twins. Both probably too well-known for this, as is noted horse trader Leroy Fer. Unsure about Jonny Howson, who may or may not be the Premier League's second Yorkshire-est man behind Milner. Johan Elmander definitely doesn't count, albeit it's quite easy to forget he's at Norwich and is getting a hell of lot more play than Ricky van Wolfswinkel.