"if you can't be with the one you love....."

Yeah that's the thing. He's great, I SHOULD be wigged-out happy. But I have these 'doubts'....
I accept HIM, I just don't feel so confident about MY role in all this.
But if the doubts are just me, my problem, my learned bad r/ship pattern behaviour, then how do I get over it?
Maybe I should leave myself notes around the house using Kate's quote.
Or, constant yelling-to-self 'snap out of it! he's great! you're great! you guys are great!'?
I do feel better about it now, by the way.
And I've just woken up so brain + fingers = not-so-eloquent, sorry.

wow kate. that post you just made has put so much into perspective for me, and it's really helped me sort out what i've been trying to sort out in my head for a while now. what you described really parallels my relationships, especially when you said "love was that state where I felt sick to the bottom of my stomach with fear and obsession. Love was something difficult and hard, a situation to be overcome (and be overcome by)..Love is not drama and pain dressed up as passion, love is comfort and comfortable." i've never thought of it like that, which is surprising considering the amount of time i've dwelt on *why* i was having doubts about my feelings for my current boyfriend (yeah, cos he actually treats me well, and becuase it's totally comfortable and he's not an abusive psycho!). i suppose i'm just way too used to that craziness in a relationship, and that's what i've been associating with love. i almost look back and romanticize those relationships sometimes, which really freaks me out.

sailor moonie, i think i'm gonna be leaving notes with that quote around my house too...

I was kidding about the notes.

Are we taking a self-help (not using this as a pejorative term) approach to definitions here? If so, I guess that's fine, but otherwise I can't personally accept attempts to define love as being 'x not y' (esp. when y = 'love is comfort and comfortable'). I wish I could just tell myself that anything that causes pain is not love and believe it.

I always associate love with that oh-my-god rollercoaster-drop feeling in my stomach, I guess, and it has little or nothing to do with comfort or even happiness. Though I yam a lot younger than you, Moonie!
I would say that you have to work out what the crucial difference is between your current situation and these previous r/ships 1 and 2 you talk about. Was it the just the giddy abandon and enthusiasm of youth, which you now feel nostalgic for? Or do you think there's someone else out there that can still ignite those intense love feelings?

Oh Christ now you've made me feel old! But you may have a point there Dr Phil...
N: Sometimes it takes the pain of seperation/a broken heart to teach us what love is?

Sometimes it takes Foreigner.

Well I read between the lines...

What happened?

Funny I was just thinking about this thread today.
What's happened? Well,a few arguments about what's going on with our r/ship whenever I get drunk enough to bring the issue up with him in a roundabout sort of way. He insists we're fine, I cry and get confused and can't say what I really mean or mean what I am saying. and I seem to have fallen into a depressed funk as is my wont and am now too scared and dependant to think about leaving him.
WTF is wrong with me?

what is it that is missing for you sailor, apart from the drama-quota? Is it a lack of 'spark'?
I was with the same guy for 17 years, and that spark was there more often than not during that whole period, in that I felt it in my belly' so to speak.
we aren't together anymore and i no longer feel that for him ( long story ) but I am just wondering if you are in a space of not 'not settling' for something but perhaps trying to make something fit that really doesn't?
just because it seems right and comfortable doesn't make it the best thing. This isn't to say that massive drama / passionate arguments / intense whatever-stuff are necessary for a real love relationship, because that isn't true, but if you are feeling a tad um...blanded-out? by it all, then it maybe better for you to spend some time on your own and figure out what it is that you DO need from a love relationship.
spark counts! it may not be fireballs and supernovas but drifting along in something that 'feels' mediocre is not fair to either party.
maybe a short spell apart could help?
*love* as a thing is too difficult to define, as far as I am concerned, but I do know that when I have felt it, I bluddy well knew it big time! even though it wasn't an explosion of hollywood-type luuuuuuurve.

kate otm