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Hurting, there's nothing wrong with being selfless.. that's a great quality in being a s/o to your gf.. even if it means having to make occasional sacrifices. but if your life has become totally subsumed by her anxiety modes, then that's not right. It's hard to say when it's right to give in, and when it's not right. That's up to your tolerance. But I think we all agree that there's a certain line that one should not cross, and you know this as well.. which is good.
Basically I'm giving the "not-so-tough love" accompanying answer to Tracer's very cogent "tough love" suggestion.
― donut christ (donut), Sunday, 16 January 2005 09:26 (nineteen years ago) link
Give in? I think you should because at that very moment she's *unreasonable* (as in not being able to address it/talk about it). Later, when everything has calmed down, I would talk about possible solutions. I would talk with her, say how you feel about it. Even if you fight, it's better than not talking (about how you feel, etc).
― stevie nixed (stevie nixed), Sunday, 16 January 2005 09:30 (nineteen years ago) link
Thanks everyone for the advice. I should probably go to bed now, seeing as it's 4:30 am and I've blown off some steam, but feel free to add -- I'll no doubt check tomorrow.
― Hurting (Hurting), Sunday, 16 January 2005 09:33 (nineteen years ago) link
The worst is when it's totally obvious (to her) that you don't want to do (x), no matter how reasonable/unreasonable it is, but you don't come out and say it, and you're all like "uh well um I think that, I'm not sure if I've got time to, see there's this guy coming round and-" What's been working for me more is "THERE IS NOT A CHANCE IN HELL." Of course that may just be the beginning of the negotiation but it's good to put your best foot forward.
― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Sunday, 16 January 2005 09:37 (nineteen years ago) link
Hi Hurting,
Just my .02 (with the obvious caveat that ultimately your girlfriend should look to the advice of an appropriate psychiatric/counseling professional, if it's really causing significant problems for either herself or your relationship):
With panic, as in much anxiety, assuming she doesn't want to be taking meds for the rest of her life, I think you should encourage her to seek Exposure Therapy as a recommended course of psychotherapeutic treatment. That form of therapy has to deal with, essentially, confronting the fear of what will happen head-on. For example, with the ramifications of a panic attack: "Afraid you're going to have a heart attack and die? Afraid you're going to go 'berzerk' and completely lose it? Okay, well...Bring It On! Let's see what happens when you get an attack..."
For example, if you knew someone who has a fear of getting into an elevator because the person envisions that the cables will snap and they will crash to the ground, you have to encourage the person to ride the elevator repeatedly...and not with feelings of trepidation (e.g., putting one foot in the elevator fearfully, then pulling it out, then back in, then finally stepping in and riding it, the whole time white-knuckled with the constant fear that it really is going to crash--a person who does this has done ZERO exposure). Exposure would mean stepping fully into the elevator with a sort of resigned attitude that "Okay, either this sucker crashes into the ground and kills me...or else it doesn't" and doing this for hours, multiple times per week, monitoring the results of whether it crashes or not. Same principle with OCD (fear of germs and contamination, etc.)
To use a metaphor, with anxiety, you have to throw away the chairs and whip you are using to 'ward off' the beast, and let the beast pounce on you: "Either kill me...or begone from my life!" Often, the best course (which, I reiterate, should be done under the care of a trained mental health professional) is to compose a hierarchy of situations she thinks will induce mild great panic, and going up the scale of these situations systematically.
Every opportunity to place yourself in a situation that *increases* anxiety is an opportunity to learn about it. Chances are, I'll bet she'll find that the beast does not have fangs. Best wishes!
― Joe (Joe), Sunday, 16 January 2005 17:26 (nineteen years ago) link