how do i shot wedding and marriage

there will definitely, without a doubt, be no "first dance". that sounds like the least enjoyable thing that could ever happen in a life

― 1 P.3. Eternal (roxymuzak), Saturday, June 22, 2013 1:33 AM (15 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

my wife was v. insistent on no first dance where everyone was watching us; this was solved by me stepping up to the mic and asking (demanding) that all couples in attendance join us for the first slow dance. it was a great rush watching everyone spill out onto the floor.

i did all the music, we asked everyone to pick a song on our rsvp cards, shockingly about 80% of the responses were usable and made it onto the playlist, and i got a lot of nice comments about the music. we paid the brother of one of the bridesmaids 300 bucks to watch the laptop and keep an eye on levels and stuff.

i don't really have any strong thoughts on bridal parties, i did have one friend who was my best man and would have been hurt if we had said "no bridal parties at all" so ultimately we had 4 guys and 4 ladies and that was fine.

Married people: did you have a joint bank account before you were married? Does anyone keep this seperate even WHEN married? What are the benefits/drawbacks of each?

― 1 P.3. Eternal (roxymuzak), Saturday, June 22, 2013 2:36 PM (1 hour ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

we have a joint account that is basically her account at my bank, which makes for quick and easy transfers when one owes the other money or is kicking in for a bill or whatever -- i think that's hugely convenient, because otherwise we'd be writing each other checks or struggling to keep track of that stuff. otherwise, i don't really think completely uniting your personal finances is for everybody, and i don't do it anymore than i have to (i regret deciding to file taxes jointly, because as a freelancer i always owe way more than her and it's not really fair to her to deal with that). but we've been basically broke for our entire marriage so far, it probably makes more sense to pool assets together when you actually have assets and own a home and stuff.

We've done our finances several different ways since we started living together. We finally decided that what worked best for us was to have both individual accounts that we could control for personal expenditures and a joint account for everything else, with clear agreements about what money belonged where. The less money we had, the more important it was to be really clear about it.

we didn't have bridesmaids/groomsmen per se -- we each had like seven people stand near us and wear whatever they wanted (as long as they didn't look better than we did). there was no hierarchy; my stepfather was one of mine.

neither of us came under pressure to do anything particular -- her family was too fucked up and mine was just grateful that someone seemed to like me. i would say the best part was having a reason to get all our friends from around the country to come hang out with us. and also the pie. so i guess i would plan the type of party you think both you and your friends would like.

i don't think it's a big deal to not invite kids? i dunno. we hired a babysitter, but i feel like that was above and beyond.

suggestions:
- invite bill steer to perform the ceremony
- bernard as ring-bearer

I have had this discussion enough times on ilx so I'll shut up but 'writing each other checks' is like something from the 60s! I guess if you have to do that (we didn't even inthe US) a joint account makes more sense.

A lot of people are "no kids"! I can see it if its an evening thing. I dunno, the only wedding I had a hand in planning as my sister's and it was in our yard so kids just ran around playing and if they got tired someone put them to sleep on a couch and there were lots of parents and aunts to watch them. If you end up having it in a rented space etc I can understand and adult music, late party, booze, I can understand leaving kids out tho.

i didn't really care one way or another about the photography tbh, but my partner found this documentary photographer who did weddings as a sideline. he shot in black and white, entirely candids, and it turned out pretty grebt. (except my mom is in way too many pics with this dewy-eyed omg-my-son-just-got-married expression.) all those posed shots with every possible family subset is party time wasted imo.

also i reckon you can set up a flickr or instagram account so ppl can share their own pics of the blessed event

congrats, roxy!

imo the wedding is primarily for whoever pays for it, so do what you want unless somebody else is coughing up the lion's share. we had a brief ceremony at the location but most of the night was dancing (populist but not too bland - "rock lobster" not "love shack") and stuffing people silly. as far as finances go, i figure eventually people'll both be digging out of the same pot but no reason to rush the sense of entrapment that until it becomes necessary due to joint purchases or whatever. sd's freelancer chivalry aside (dude hope you're taking advantage of the expensing potential!), married filing jointly is usually smarter that not.

So happy for you, roxy :)

However your wedding day plans go, try to set it up so you guys have as little stress as possible. I'm all for small group courthouse, family thing, massive afterparty - pretty much how my brother and his wife did things when they were married last year. Ceremony on Thursday at a campground for family, we all stayed the night and had a cookout reception. Then Saturday party w/ bar and cake and food and band and dancing at a club venue my brother's band played at frequently - which blended into a CD release party for another band and then into the rest of a long partyful night.

Me and Mr. Jaq have separate accounts and split up the bills - do what works for you.

yeah congrats Roxy. seems like a lucky fellow!

your wedding day is the day for you to do exactly what you want to do. everyone knows the bride is the boss so make it a day they wont forget. good luck!

congrats, roxy!

this is the problem right here, a wedding is decidedly NOT supposed to be exactly what you want. the wedding is for your family

― Guayaquil (eephus!)

haha yeah not if im paying for it and planning it. they attend and celebrate our blessed union or lump it/take it up the street and dump it as far as im concerned, after reading y'alls responses and thinking about it more. i love both of our families but planning a wedding to someone else's idea of what a wedding should be (esp someone who has completely different taste and values from you) sounds like the most stressful and regret-generating thing ever. they love us and will accept what we do, i'm sure, so it's kind of a non-issue anyway

pp i had no idea you worked for a bridal magazine. kinda intrigued by this theme tbh

just as long as your values include an open bar

there will definitely, without a doubt, be no "first dance". that sounds like the least enjoyable thing that could ever happen in a life

We were married downtown at the Baltimore courthouse. The only witnesses were our son and my father-in-law. We were all kinda biz-caz. My kid was wearing a Tony Hawk hoodie. After, we went to a diner and had spanakopita or whatever. Then we went and bought rings in a strip-mall out on route 40. We have not gotten around to merging all of the accounts and stuff, or even legally changing her last name, because what a hassle, you know?

Married people: did you have a joint bank account before you were married? Does anyone keep this seperate even WHEN married? What are the benefits/drawbacks of each?

Marriage number 1: his/hers/ours accounts. Worked fine. Significantly different incomes, so we each put in same % (not dollar amount) into the ours, which went to common expenses like rent, etc.
Marriage number 2: one account. Also works fine. But was a royal pain in the ass to consolidate, especially all of the various and sundry bits of 401(k)s we had accumulated over multiple employers each. We are more or less equivalent in income and spending habits, which helps. If there is a significant differential in either, the his/her/ours model is one I very, very strongly recommend.

changing name: no

his/hers/ours seems like a great idea

Yeah, that was great. Never ever had arguments about money, ever, which can be a big prob if you have different spending habits (even if consummate with income differences). Also:

Marriage number 1: wanted wedding to be what we wanted. When (my) family were pains in the ass about it, we did the courthouse thing and then got the families together for a dinner at a nice restaurant a couple of weeks later. It was fine for us, but parents were totally bummed that they were not there.

Marriage number 1: older, questionably wiser. My family learned the lesson from marriage number 1 and were just delighted to be there, no interference. Had the wedding at our (small) house, which was very effective in giving us complete and utter control of the very small guest list. Decided that our priority was getting the families (who had never met) together, period. Guest list limited to parents, siblings of parents (aka our first-degree aunts and uncles, with spouses), our own sibs (with SOs, thankfully we only have one sib each), and would-kill-for friends, ten total. So about 35 people, many of whom I will never see again until funerals TBRR. Drinks and cheese at the house after, then walked down the hill for a nice dinner in a private room. Mission accomplished, had a work colleague do photos and never really bothered looking at them--just sent CDs to the parents. Mission accomplished. Blissfully happy (truly).

Another scenario that dear friends did: courthouse ceremony with only parents and siblings in attendance (with spouses). Had a photog take courthouse pics; they selected a really lovely nice shot and included a print in the invitation to mega party months later, at their (large) place in DC. Immediate family and the friends who had flown in from out of town (as far as Tokyo!) invited to a dinner the night before at a Himalayan restaurant--anyone who asked about registry was directed to a honeymoon website for contributions toward their Nepal honeymoon. Great party (catered, with hired bartender) the next evening, then everyone left late-night was issued a drink ticket to a nearby bar so they would gtfo. Excellent plan and execution, everyone had a blast, including bride and groom.

Oh and for wedding #2 I had a killer red dress made in exactly my favorite kind of style and wore a black fascinator with a bit of black veil. Whole thing, custom-made in gorgeous silk, cost under $400 bucks and I have since worn the dress to like a billion weddings/other cocktail-attire events and break out the fascinator every year for a great Derby party that we attend.

"how do i shot wedding and marriage"

wait, did you really want to know how to shot marriage too? cuz that's a whooooooole other weird thing. may god have mercy on your soul.......

yeah wedding and marriage have only the most barely tangential of relationships ime

lol, you guys are all awesome.

we got married by some lady we found online, in our apartment, with family and v v close friends present. pat played the harp. then we took everyone who was at the wedding out to lunch, and then had a party at a bar later for all our friends & our family. this way our families got to be there for the intimate/special part, and it wasn't in a courthouse, but everyone still go to hang out together later. it was quite nice imo.

my family is a BIT bigger than hers, but none of us has tons of family. it helps that a lot of her family are far away, so just her sister & her sister's husband and their kids came. but all my family are nearby and if i was gonna just invite my mom/dad/sister i kinda had to invite the grandparents, and then the aunts and cousins... but it still wasn't huge. ymmv with this. if we had a backyard, we prob would have gotten married there.

i went out and bought a suit to get married in and promptly changed out of it into shorts & t-shirt cuz it was 100 degrees in august. still have never worn that suit a second time.

we still have separate bank accounts though... maybe we should consolidate.

i am certain i will have questions about marriage too that's why i included it in the title! iirc my banking q falls under that category

marriage advice totes welcome

But I don't like to give nonspecific advice! It makes me feel like a pontificating asshole. As for the finances q, we do hers/his/ours accounts and it works great for us.

our wedding was mostly paid for by my wife's dad and we were compelled to have a somewhat hippie Jewish ceremony ( the halfway pt between what my FIL would have wanted and what we wanted, one on hand a scenario wherein I converted and attended temple every day with him and on the other a completely religion free whiskey soaked boozy event.) anyway it was great. We even managed to sneak the pogues' "whiskey you're the devil" as the second part of the hora. And the dj was great.

My advice is make sure you eat your fill of food before you have your fill of drink (it's easy to forget to eat after the wedding) and take a few minutes after its official to wander off and alone time with just the two of you. Like do it right between walking off and beginning the reception. Just five min to chill and process. Also if you don't invite kids that's cool, not a big deal. I don't think anyone would or should take offense.

Congratulations obv!

not so much sweeping grandiose advice about big picture stuff. more like "pro tips". haw. like the his/hers/ours accounts - that's a good one. but mostly i will ask stuff as it occurs to me i guess

hippie jewish ceremony sounds p fun!

we're in the process of combining accounts. i rly don't think i can be trusted to manage his/hers/ours at this point in my life. she's a good check on me :)

Here's what we did, and do—take as much or as little from this as you like.

We were married on a Friday evening in June by the mayor of a town neither of us grew up in, on 10 days' notice (that's how long it took for our blood tests and paperwork to be processed). I was 21, she was 20. In attendance: Her parents, my dad and stepmother, my brother, and two friends of ours who we don't talk to anymore. Her parents paid for the rings; afterward, my dad took us all out to dinner, then we went home, which was my wife's room in her parents' apartment. (We got our own place a month or so later.) We both went back to our crappy retail jobs the next day.

We have a joint bank account, and a single credit card (we had multiple cards in the past, but paid them off and cancelled them). For a while now I've been the only one of us working, though there have been times when we've both had jobs. We don't have any kids, a factor I honestly think has been crucial in preserving the relationship and our mutual sanity. We celebrated our 20th anniversary a little under two weeks ago.

I guess I have an idea -- we put all mutual expenses (housing & utilities excluded) on shared cc that we pay off every month. It's a way of tracking expenses, reaping max rewards for spending, and sharing responsibility. Once we used the cash back from the cc to buy a new computer.

the biggest ongoing argument my wife and i had over the years was about bunting. i held that while there is in general too much bunting, a major league professional baseball player should be able to bunt and know where to bunt in a given situation. she felt that it was more difficult than that and that players are not suitably practiced in the process. i mentioned that from a young age when taking batting practice i was made to bunt toward first base and then toward third before being allowed to swing away. she thought my experience was irrelevant to the conversation. also she is a yankee fan.

anyway, i trust that you and yr groom will be better about these things. phillies tho, jeez

well we're in different leagues so we don't fight about baseball that often tbh

phils/sox

we disagree on whether or not "elegant" is an appropriate adjective to describe tim lincecum's pitching style

<3

my wife has a tim lincecum obsession, ever since she saw him pitch in the 2010 World Series. she has always had a bit of a "thing" for hesher dudes.

suggestions:
- invite bill steer tim lincecum to perform the ceremony

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wbo-FBLdMH8

fwiw my take on the "what we want" vs. "what family wants" is that it should be something like 70/30 or 75/25 or even 80/20, unless you hate your/his family with justification in which case fuck them. If you're bothering to have a wedding at all, you're kind of conceding that you're having something that's not "just" about you imo.

You can have fun with it, though. We were married in a church (MIL paid for a large amount) but I walked down the aisle to a Modest Mouse song, carrying a bouquet made out of hair clips! I did not get a child in a bear costume to be my "ring bear" however. Compromises!

but i also feel like i might not feel strongly enough about the traditions themselves to really take a stand and refuse to participate in them (what they represent, yes, i feel very strongly - the traditions, idk, they feel detached from their origins in some cases).

this is how they get you

obv its not "just" "about" us but its planned to our taste and not someone else's

i mean if it was just about me i would marry myself and invite no one. it's shitty to try to convince someone they're being selfish by staying true to themselves with their wedding imo!

(btw ned knows how to shot things)

None of this shit will matter on the day, just enjoy it.

but it does matter, because women end up bearing the brunt of the responsibility for anything that goes wrong on the day -- of course guys think it's unimportant, they're not the ones who are getting told CONSTANTLY how important it is and what a shitty, cheap, thoughtless person and bad friend/relative you are if one thing's out of place.

and there's a certain luxury that comes with saying "so what, just ignore them." sorry, i can't.

getting told CONSTANTLY how important it is and what a shitty, cheap, thoughtless person and bad friend/relative you are if one thing's out of place.

good lord. my family and in-laws aren't like that at all, thankfully. I know this is never to be taken for granted and I am very lucky that way. you have my sympathies.

btw, simple things are harder to screw up. the more of a huge production it is, the easier it is for things to go wrong.

ur already a bad husband sharivari grats

Got my wedding in 3 weeks. ilxor count: 1.

that's not counting me

(& congratulations sharivari!)

you left the strawboys out last I heard can u pls confirm the latest

the bride's not biting
It was going ok till she saw the pictures
:(

surely it's a job for strawmen not strawboys

made that pun in UK ilx thread like six hours ago smh

eh, mine was better

blowin u a strawberry rn

It's ok, Darragh - i'll have double strawboys at mine to make up for it.

Congrats Sharivari.

Why not try a basic setup? Some bread and cheese and fine white wine.

Oh I never really posted about this.

We away and married late last year after eleven years together. Civil ceremony, two witnesses and nobody else. Drinks, lunch, change clothes, taxi, plane, few phonecalls, social media post of 'hi everyone we got married see ye in a week'. Went like a charm tbh.

We had anticipated problems with one of her parents in particular, her choice was to let them know only a few weeks in advance that we were doing it that way. On her lead, we dropped it fairly brutally on them in person and then after a few excruciating minutes we jogged on our way, being advised en route not to darken door again for a while.

Radio silence apart from a few proxy attempts early on through her brother to do it properly - mass, decent notice period, big bash with all relatives and neighbours and what have you. Other than that no parental contact for her for a few months, not til well after the deed was done in fact.

Everyone else was thrilled for us, so all in all it wasn't a bad effort. I recommend. Any questions?