Polyamory

ha i think we gathered that dude

name: Otis

well, i mean he was here a lot, not just some dude who posted a few times and split.

holy shit i posted on this thread haha...i believe in yesterday

/ paul mccartney

http://img509.imageshack.us/img509/7425/imageuploadimage.jpg

Velko, are you some OG poster too? What name did you previously use?

Christ I have no idea who I was referring to in my example way back in 03... but if it is who I suspect, he's since married and settled down, haw.

Otis was a dude that Jordan S. and his friends gathered

Also a friend of Ally's and one reason for the founding of ILE

Otis Redding - I've been loving youn

Odd the train of thought that led me from here to how do i become a mason .

weird thread upthread but let's do the all important thing where we ignore stuff from 5 years ago.

simple maybe stupid question, maybe better suited for the genderqueer thread but thought i'd put it here--anybody have resources on navigating being a straight primary partner for a queer person? their desires are ~not about me~, obviously, but i could use some help or advice dealing with the strange feeling i get when i stay home while they go for a prowl at pride.

(also, as a favor to me, i'd appreciate it if folks didn't get real 'girl/boy problems' thread on me--this isn't a 'relationship problem,' just a request for help if folks can direct me to any.)

If you're not into the polyamorous thing then you should discuss it with your partner. The worst thing you could do imo is pretend you are okay with something you're not. You will start feeling resentful, and then suppress this feeling because you feel bad about feeling it, and then your partner will pick up that you are repressing feelings of discomfort and feel guilty, but then resent you for making you feel guilty, and then feel guilty again for resenting you when you never explicitly said you felt weird about what she was doing in the first place, etc.

(sorry i didn't read your second post. hope you find relevant info hoos)

just to focus what i said a little better--i **do** have a few places in our relationship where i feel a twinge, and my interest is in getting /beyond/ that rather than ignoring it. i'm sort of looking for someone to tell me how to think through this stuff in order to become ok with it, because that's ultimately what i want even if i'm not 100% there yet right now.

I was in the same situation 5-6 years ago, hoos - I'm a pretty unjealous person to begin with, but once I thought of my gf's other bf as just another friend, I felt more comfortable. There were times when I would go out with friends and she would stay home; there were times when she would see her other bf and I would stay home. The only difference was the... activities. It sounds a little simplistic but it worked for me (though I ultimately had other issues with poly).

have you read The Ethical Slut? not for everybody but it might be helpful.

sounds like a license to smash imo

have you read The Ethical Slut? not for everybody but it might be helpful.

― sleeve, Monday, June 2, 2014 5:10 PM (2 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

i haven't, actually--been hearing about it for a while but haven't picked it up. good idea!

useta be ppl w aberrant ethical outlooks would form intentional communities w/likeminded practitioners in outlying areas rather than disseminating their experiments in living in the midst of the society of norms

advice dealing with the strange feeling i get when i stay home while they go for a prowl at pride

I can't assist you with the particulars, but the generalities may be good enough.

This is matter of feelings. The feelings give rise to thoughts, but the thoughts are only there to give the feelings a more definite form. The thoughts are neither true nor false, but simply exist as expressions of that feeling. They are bound to be ornate, involved, and ultimately misleading, while the feeling itself is extremely simple. Just dive straight at the feeling and feel it; the superficial thoughts will fade into irrelevancies and the essence of the situation will become clearer.

I hope that helps.

http://missemmamm.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/amy.png

i'm sort of looking for someone to tell me how to think through this stuff in order to become ok with it, because that's ultimately what i want even if i'm not 100% there yet right now.

is there a particular reason why you want this?

because for me this partner is worth closing the gap.

That's why I was willing to try it with my then-gf too, a few years into our relationship. It was new territory for me, her, and the other guy, and we all tried to make it work. I don't regret the experience, but it had its pitfalls

Also I never read the Ethical Slut, but she had a copy and it was an illuminating book for her

I'll definitely grab TES at the library this week.

Are you seeing other people as well?

I'm not actively pursuing anybody--not enough time, honestly--but I'm open to it.

K. I think your best bet is to remain open to that possibility so things don't feel one sided.

Oh yeah--I learned my lesson on the importance of that when I spent years with a partner who saw other people while I didn't. Don't need to relearn how that leads to resentment.

Also just got some helpful suggestions elsewhere on the importance of getting to know other partners that are important to my partner--will have to follow through with that as well as checking out the book. Thx for the careful treading, yall.

rip ringtone bisexual crew ;_;

On a more serious note, my GF's other partner is a cishet dude who is monogamous to her and it seems to work out fine? They were together 5-6 years before she ever met me and she's had other partnerships and dalliances during that time. I can't exactly tell you what's in his mind tho.

rip ringtone bisexual crew ;_;

― uppers epilepsy sh@kedown (The Reverend), Monday, June 2, 2014 7:12 PM (4 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

*pours 1 out*

I just had to eventually recognize that I didn't have an ~abiding~ interest in men, woulda been disingenuous to talk like my infrequent blip on that radar was meaningful for my life.

how open is a hoos with his queer partner? are you guys discussing your discomfort? cause that strikes me as the only real way to work this through.

yeah we're open about this stuff, that's the name of the game, i just know i'm not the first person in the world to wonder about these questions, so i wanted some reading material to think through before i tried to name what i was feeling.

none of my biz, but based on past exp, i think crut's question is key. seems most important, if you're still sorting things out, to get at how you really feel. i.e., table for moment how you'd like or think you ought to feel, give yourself permission to not be cool w/ it, etc. work out from there.

Is there any distinction btw 'open relationship' type polyamory, where one/both parties 'go on the prowl' and one where there is a steady other/others involved?

having a partner "go on the prowl" just seems like a dick move on their part tbrrwu

Seems like a pretty "rawr" move to me, idk.

real-life open relationships don't involve either party 'going on the prowl' ime.

well, OKCupid works dandy too.

Just a turn of phrase.

Me and my gf both think the idea of the other fucking other people is really hot and that's the best way imo.

i can kind of see that Rev (tho i'm too jealous/insecure to ever actively seek that scenario out) but the thought of my partner just kissing someone else fills me with a deep sadness.

Kissing my partner and someone else at the same time was really fun ¯\_(ツ)_/¯