Is Jack Colback the least glamorous footballer in the Premier League?

El Ahmadi was Dutch Esquire's most fashionable footballer of 2012 so shouldn't really be a contender.

He looks like the kind of person who would hang out with Seal.

CARDIFF CITY

Being overshadowed by others is a key attribute of the non-glam, and the recent Cardiff shenanigans have done a very good job of making the club's actual players even less discussed than before. Peter Whittingham is one of Cardiff's biggest names. So is Jordon Mutch. That is how glam Cardiff aren't.

So then:

Ben Turner - a hulking ex-Coventry centre-back who I believe has been ever-present this season but who is only responsible for four of the top 10 image hits for his name on Google image search, the other six belonging to an actor off of Casualty. None of those images are of him in Cardiff's current kit.

Andrew Taylor - once upon a time not so very long ago, the mere fact of being an English dude in the top flight who could play at left-back would be enough to put you in the international caps conversation. Unfortunately for this Middlesbrough academy product (*tick*), that is no longer the case. Even more GIS-challenged than Turner, with three of his first four image hits featuring him in Boro's kit. He hasn't played for them since 2011.

Don Cowie - quite good on Football Manager. Probably first top-flight player since Don Hutchison to be called Don. Ex-Caley Thistle and Watford.

Craig Noone and Declan John probably haven't figured enough to discuss here, but could be worth a look at in future (though Noone, if I remember right, is an ex-proper job-haver, which I think disqualifies him as it means he could very feasibly be given the full-page interview treatment in The Guardian at some point)

Kevin Theophile-Catherine's fantastic name totally riles him out, but I feel it should definitely be pointed out that he has a really fantastic name. Even typing it makes me feel slightly minty.

CHELSEA

Nope. Not even fifth-choice England left-back Ryan Bertrand.

http://i.imgur.com/61iIGoC.jpg

CRYSTAL PALACE

And here's the game-changers.

Firstly, let us consider the phenomenon of "Look at Chamakh here", the phrase that nearly every pundit seems to reach for when asked to diagnose Palace's ills. Whether it be wearing non-black boots, having inexplicable hair, or not doing Danny Gabbidon's job for him, it feels as though everything that's gone wrong for Palace this season has been laid at the doorstep of Marouane Chamakh, meaning more or less all other Palace players tend to get completely ignored in yr mainstream medias.

Then there's the small matter of Palace's astonishingly awful summer transfer window, in which they tried to bolster their Championship squad by bringing in so many other Championship players that Fantasy Premier League's Palace player list contains at least four people who didn't make Palace's final 25-man squad. Poor Florian Marange's picture has had to be taken from his time at Bordeaux, so remote are his chances of actually playing for Palace in the Premier League this season (NON-GLAM FACT: Florian Marange is still more expensive than Nathan Baker in Fantasy PL).

This means there's a whole bunch of players in their squad you might not have realised were actually at Palace. Jerome Thomas, for instance. Jimmy Kebe. Adlene Guedioura. Elliott Grandin. Adrian Mariappa.

But three figures tower o'er all these in the non-glam stakes:

Joel Ward - ex-Portsmouth academy product who appears to be carving out a career as a young English top flight right-back without anyone noticing. Given the season Kyle Walker's having, that takes doing.

Damien Delaney - a 32-year-old Cork-born centre-back with eight whole caps for the Republic of Ireland (comparison: Sean St Ledger has 36). Has played in all but one of Palace's games this season.

And then, this guy:

http://www.c-palace.org/images/players/stuartokeefe_2012.jpg

Who I think might just be a contender for the whole damn thing. So much so I'm gonna let you tell me about him.

(clue: it's not Dean Moxey. Or Steve Morison)

EVERTON

Tony Hibbert has yet to feature for Everton in the Premier League this season.

Walkers had a resurgence of late tbh but kiu otherwise

FULHAM

"Look at Berbatov here."

Anyway, much as I'm still not exactly sure who Patjim Kasami (automatically disqualified for That Goal), Ashkan Dejagah or Alex Kacaniklic are, there's one name that truly stands out:

http://www.wallcrazy.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/aaron-hughes.jpg

I know we've talked about him upthread, but let us consider that ol' Aaron is now in his 16th season of being a solidly 6.7 top flight player. 88 Northern Irish caps, 1 goal (against the Faroe Islands). Retired from international football in 2011, only to go back on that decision the following year.

Best of all, these sentences from Wiki:

Hughes is able to play centre back, right back or left back, as well as anywhere in midfield.

Hughes is renowned for his disciplined defending, as he holds a record of making over 400 Premier League appearances without getting sent off, which is the third most in the history of the league.

13 games for Fulham so far this season. Roll on, sir.

HULL CITY

...WHO THE FUCK IS "DAVID MEYLER"?...

― r|t|c, Friday, 28 December 2012 18:10 (1 year ago)

Well, yes.

Despite being easily the most successful of the newlypromoteds, Hull still have plenty of "Did you know?" players in their midst. For instance, did you know Abdoulaye Faye was still in the Premier League? Or Liam Rosenior? Heck, did Liam Rosenior ever leave? Wasn't he at Reading or Fulham or both or something?

James Chester would have been a contender till his goal scoring exploits at both ends against Man Utd. Alex Bruce ticks loads of boxes but is much too well known for being his manager's son. Danny Graham was quite good at Swansea (for a bit) and is now much too well known for not scoring. Elmohamady is in the title sequence for Final Score. George Boyd has probably been too good for too long outside the top flight to be considered.

Robbie Brady... Hmm. Does anyone ever think about Robert Koren?

In November Steve Bruce announced that Aluko denied a contract extension, this blow to Hull came shortly after Aluko tore his Achilles again which would see him out of action until February.

believe the word is "chutzpah"

LIVERPOOL

Not really.

MANCHESTER CITY

Did you know Jack Rodwell exists?

MANCHESTER UNITED

Alex Buttner wouldn't get in Southampton's first team. But no, not really in the conversation here.

xp - dammit, how did I forget Aluko? The only Premier League player whose sister is probably a more famous footballer than they are...

Players' presence in fantasy could be a helpful measurement here eg. Ben Turner has quite the following in the fantasy community, even awarded the nickname "burner" (admittedly primarily to differentiate him from Norwich's Michael Turner (aka "murner"). James Chester too, even before the Utd game.

xp I don't really think Aluko is least glamorous - he's potentially a glamour player for City fans at least if he ever turns up in the Prem and does anything - but that's some fantastic cojones refusing the contract extension

Kieron Gibbs? Maybe? Does anyone ever really think about Kieron Gibbs? Do we actually know that Kieron Gibbs is good or just that he's not worse than lots of other people?

Nah, there's nothing for us here, really. Not even Nacho Monreal.

― William Bloody Swygart, Saturday, 28 December 2013 23:08 Bookmark

i know what you mean but gibbs' various eye-catching defensive lassitudes keep him in 'the conversation' and therefore ineligible

the true wearer of that partic crown imo is CHRIS SMALLING who despite international footballer status has kept very shtoom all this while and suggested nothing to betray the suspicion he is some sort of elaborate subtler-than-bebe tax dodge

going to pre-empt the spurs write-up by noting that my favourite 26 year old career reserve team curio "simon dawkins" is belatedly turning out to be a real terror in the champo for derby this season

guessing the mystery eagle is i-can't-remember-your-name-but-let's-try-"john-joe" o'keefe

who iirc has only fleetingly surfaced this glamour season and not ever in the championship?

aha half a coconut for me

who names their kid stuart srsly

great find for the wiki thread tho...

LIVERPOOL

Not really.

Brad Smith

You mean Brad Jones? I'm tending to just include players who get games, cos it's kind of cheating including substitute keepers. Ross Turnbull used to be at Chelsea and he's miles less glam than big Brad, as is Richard Wright at Man City, Rob Elliott at Newcastle, Stephen Henderson at West Ham, and Norwich's stunningly unnecessary double-bill of Mark Bunn and Carlo Nash.

Anyway:

NEWCASTLE UNITED

Hmm. Hmm hmm hmm. Now, Newcastle's recent upsurge, along with their various quality buys from overseas, should mean they've not many contenders here. But what with the majority of said buys being French, that means they've all kind of been lumped together as 'Newcastle's French legion' or, using the term I prefer because I've just come up with it, 'Alan Pardew's Moulin Rouge'. This means that many of them find glam a bit harder to come by than they possibly ought to - Yoan Gouffran, for instance, is having a quality season, but keeps getting overlooked so people can praise Loic Remy instead, on account of they can remember Loic Remy's name and he was Newcastle's only summer signing, thus highlighting him gives them an opportunity to reflect on the genius of Pards. Or something.

Mapou Yanga-Mbiwa - is the fact I keep subconsciously hearing his name in Guy Mowbray's voice a case for or against his glamness? Bearing in mind there aren't really any commentators' voices you'd particularly associate with Ya Kid Colback.

Anyway, this all just seems a bit quibble in the face of Newky's proper anti-glam don - professional lummox Mike Williamson. He's stodged along unnoticed at the heart of United's defence for most of this season, and has yet to receive any hint of being considered for international duty despite being a English centre-back getting regular games at a top-half club. Now, that's largely cos he's not very good, but it does suggest a fairly decent ability to repel the limelight too. I don't think Newcastle have any serious contenders here, but he seems the best of the bunch.

NORWICH CITY

Man, where to start... Seb Bassong is pretty much the only regular member of Norwich's defensive unit you wouldn't consider on this thread, and that's because he used to play for Spurs. What is Stephen Whittaker? Was Martin Olsson actually more glam when he played for Blackburn? Is Russell Martin the only player who could rightly lay claim to the title of 'this generation's Graeme Murty?' Ryan Bennett used to captain Grimsby Town, you know. I think he's still under 23.

It gets somewhat more glam when one moves further up the pitch, mind, albeit that the major legacy of Norwich's Movember drive is that Robert Snodgrass and Bradley Johnson now appear to be twins. Both probably too well-known for this, as is noted horse trader Leroy Fer. Unsure about Jonny Howson, who may or may not be the Premier League's second Yorkshire-est man behind Milner. Johan Elmander definitely doesn't count, albeit it's quite easy to forget he's at Norwich and is getting a hell of lot more play than Ricky van Wolfswinkel.

MAURICIO POCHETTINO'S PRETTY, PRETTY BOYS

Ladies and gents, Calum 'Views are my own' Chambers.

That said, Northern Ireland captain Steven Davis remains the least glam Saints regular by a distance, though I'm unsure if his newfound ability to keep Uruguayan fancy man Gaston Ramirez out of the side adds to or detracts from this.

Surnames deriving from common first names an important weapon in the armoury of the truly non-glam

Brad Smith just made his debut yesterday. One to watch though

Who was the young Danish guy on for Cardiff?

Andreas Cornelius?

Yeah. I think that's him.

£8.5m striker whose purchase arguably cost Iain Moody and Malky Mackay their jobs? Yeah, he ain't on this thread.

he also looks sort of glamorous in a provincial danish sort of fashion

nicklas helenius is one of those penumbral nonglams who will always be occluded by cornelius and will also always be not kozak who is himself not benteke

However:

STOKE CITY

*sniffs air contentedly*

Ah, the land of the utility men. Running around, doing a job... Yep, this is prime anti-glam territory. Hey there, Marc Wilson. 'Sup, Geoff "All-American Greg Halford" Cameron. Erik Pieters, he could probably fill in in the holding role, I guess. Can anyone remember a time before Steven N'Zonzi and Glenn Whelan?

More FPL goodies: they reckon Jon Walters is both a midfielder and Stoke's most valuable player. They also believe Stoke only have two strikers, and one of them is Kenwyne Jones.

is wilkinson still there

andy i think is the forename

Aye, but he's not really been seen this season.

And in any case:

SUNDERLAND

This thread has an appointment with Paolo Di Canio's legacy.

Sunderland were probably the only club whose transfer window rivalled Palace's for incomprehensibility, as Paolo ushered in wave upon wave of players who may or may not be FM regens. Unfortunately, the likes of David Moberg Karlsson, Charalampos Mavrias and "Cabral" haven't actually seen much action so far, but we still have Ondrej Celustka and Valentin Roberge to conjure with. Particularly excited by Roberge, who appears to be the kind of classically gifted defender whose entire game plan involves getting outpaced, lunging in and then vigorously wagging his finger at the referee.

But of course, the man we're all here for is still wor Jack. Since this thread began, Colbs started carving out a niche for himself at left-back, then spent some time on the bench, then back to midfield, then bench again, and then last weekend, he crystallised: a last-minute equalising goal that went in via a hefty deflection off Steven Caulker's arse, and which MOTD marked by immediately cutting to Steven Fletcher's face. Jack celebrated his goal by running to the corner with the rest of the team and attempting to kick an advertising hoarding. It was hard to tell, but I think he missed.

Colback is our favourite because Colback endures. Whenever Sunderland need a lad to do a job - and Sunderland will always, always need a lad to do a job - he will be there. Unless they go down, in which case I think he will be legally obliged to sign for Fulham.

SWANSEA CITY

Hmm. Swansea are the reigning champs of the semi-obscure import game, which unfortunately means I'm not quite sure if I should have heard of, say, Jose Canas, or Alvaro, or Alex Pozuelo, or Jordi Amat. I think we're on safe ground with Gerhard Tremmel (who gets a solid amount of action for a nominal second-choice keeper), Dwight Tiendalli and Roland Lamah; Britton, Rangel and Monk have too much of that started-at-the-bottom glam to count. Unsure if Neil Taylor counts; he was pretty hyped before Ben Davies usurped him as Swansea/Wales's hottest young left-back prospect (a conversation Cardiff's Declan John might find himself in one day).

TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR

Yes, Spurs bought lots and lots of people, but they were all very, very expensive and therefore none of them count. Not even Chadli.

The only person even vaguely in the orbit of this thread is Danny Rose, and he is nowhere fucking near the orbit of this thread.

WEST BROMWICH ALBION

If Morgan Amalfitano hadn't scored that really good goal against Man Utd, he'd be on here like a shot. Anichebe, Ridgewell too well known, Gabriel Tamas, Markus Rosenberg and Goran Popov have fallen off the radar; I'm not really sure where to stand on McAuley and Olsson, who have a kind of thrillingly understated consistency to their partnership - like the Nelsen and Samba de nos jours, except not really as good. Yacob is probably too good for inclusion. And everyone loves Zoltan Gera, don't they?

Which I think leaves us with Billy Jones, a player that I don't think anyone notices, ever, even with his perm. He looked alright in the highlights of West Brom's last game, pootling off down the right flank, doing the odd stepover, that kind of thing.

Oh, and James Morrison. Forced out of the top 50 GIS results for his name by the very, very mediocre singer songwriter of the same name. Poor sod.

maybe he should go by Jim

Harry kane is reasonable imo

Fucking hell, it's past midnight. Oh well, just the one left, and it's quite a big one:

WEST HAM UNITED

James Collins! He isn't Danny Collins!

Joey O'Brien! He isn't Andy O'Brien, plus he looks like a Bond villain's henchman!

Mostly, though, Modibo Maiga. As I think I said near top of thread, the striker who does not sodding score is a very special type of anti-glam, and Maiga's lack of shine is added to by spending most of this season as the lone striking representative of one of the most notoriously goal-averse sides in the top flight, and yet somehow their lack of goals was never pinned on him. Pretty much right up til last weekend, when he scored a Sensible Soccer aftertouch special against West Brom, I'm not sure anyone had noticed Maiga existed, a situation probably not helped by Allardyce often choosing to play no strikers rather than take a punt on Maiga - the player who's not even sufficiently noteworthy to make up the numbers.

Isn't Kane permanently on loan, though, like Simon Dawkins except presumably younger?

Harry is 26 and likes digestives

http://www.football365.com/tottenham-hotspur/9100362/Transfer-news-Derby-sign-Tottenham-midfielder-Simon-Dawkins

jinx

FA Cup confirms existence of El-Hadji Ba

albeit that the major legacy of Norwich's Movember drive is that Robert Snodgrass and Bradley Johnson now appear to be twins

― William Bloody Swygart, Monday, 30 December 2013 18:22 Bookmark

ha they obv hatched this plot cos of the murphys

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/football/article-2324979/Norwichs-twin-wingers-Josh-Jacob-Murphy-ready-cause-havoc-Premier-League.html

tonight steed malbranque was playing for lyon vs psg in the league cup final, formerly perhaps the least glam actually good fitba player in the mid 2000s epl and one of the best non-internationals of his day

quite incongruously non-glam at the age of 34 at the stade de france sharing the field with cavani, thiago silva etc, non-glamness exacerbated by lyon have veolia as shirt sponsors and malbranque ambling about the place looking like he might have spent the last half decade clearing up fly tips

now there's a fucking name

always twinned him with sylvain legwinski in my head, but the latter was less good (although possibly even less glam)

colback is out of contract in the summer

going rate for an epl proven versatile midfielder/utility drone on a free transfer probably £50k a week at least?

steve sidwell got £50k a week from chelsea seven years ago when he signed on a free transfer during that brief period where they espoused parsimony and filled the squad with tat like him, pizarro and ben haim

also i'm captivated by felix magath's interviews at the moment, with his womblish demeanour, faultless politeness and surprisingly good english, he couldn't possibly appear less glam or risqué for a former golden era west germany attacking midfielder, ex-bundesliga winning manager and supposed dictatorial lunatic

he is verging on ASMR territory

(fwiw I've diced with ASMR Begovic as a display name but it doesn't quite work)