how to take a poop at work.

Well yes both actually.

I mean, the restroom was clean, but not that clean.

wait so.... when you need to poop during the day do you go to starbuck's or something? idgi

i was also not aware that mcdonald's bathrooms were a byword for cleanliness, times must have changed

I was gonna say, if you're using McDonald's as your bathroom cleanliness barometer there is pretty much no bathroom you won't find acceptable for pooping

xp Well McD's are inspected every hour or something, so they're probably clean. And to clarify, I was at work. Or at least where I used to work up until late this afternoon. And no it wasn't a McDonald's.

xp I actually haven't been in a McDonald's - toilet or the establishment in general - for about 10 years, so I guess they've gone downhill?

did you get fired for pooping?

No, my short term contract ended. Although I could have got fired for using my mobile on the premises (big signs warning that YOUR MOBILE MUST BE SWITCH OFF and MOBILE PHONE USE WILL RESULT IN INSTANT DISMISSAL). Or possibly excessive breaks resulting from excessive pooping.

i actually got the sack once for taking too many toilet breaks. production line at a door-knob factory, i wasn't heartbroken

http://images.static-bluray.com/reviews/5576_4.jpg

No, my short term contract ended.

euphemism or...

what is wrong with pooping at work you get paid and it feel so good except for the flush splashback. flushback

nobody wants a bead of wet poo in the eye

I have to say that upthread I was against pooping at work, but pooping just before leaving the office for the day results in a relaxed feeling of well being that makes the bus trip back home a lot less stressful.

Not least of all because you know you're not going to have to poop again any time soon.

this little story transcends categorization

it's a little bit of poop, a little bit of general washroom talk

anyway

i go into the washroom just now and give myself a quick look at the mirror to take in the view of my dashing self, and fix the hair a bit

as i turn to one stall a colleague comes in

and we stare into each others eyes like deer in headlight

so i say to him, you look a little out of it today, which stall do you prefer? to break the ice

i talk to him often outside the washroom but this was our first time double teaming it

he confesses he does have a preference, so i being the gentleman that i am, ask him to proceed before me and i say okay well we gonna let this place have it!

and he rushes inside his stall and he screams it's a tag team and makes a high pitch laugh

he continues, o this place is gonna be a gas chamber, and breaks into laughter again

i am already in the other stall and as dragon is dangling in the cold, white, stoic room, he says "you know it's just the drive that kills me"

i grow unsure of what to say or do because i just heard his zipper and pants drop

and i say in befuddlement o ya well at least it's not gonna rain...

people from los angeles hate driving in the rain, i don't blame them, everyone drives like a maniac here, and it's been raining on and off, so i try to show a little compassion

and then he continues to talk about the weather and how there's rain in the forecast this weekend, all the while making grunts and pushing sounds

i urge dragon to empty itself out by swinging it a little, as if it had a mind of its own, which is foolish i know, and my visage distorts into a messy puzzle

o i see, is all i can muster

and there is a strange silence for a few seconds, then a grunt, and then the sound of a heavy, dense ball landing deep in water

never had i been so happy about running dry

but he kept evacuating his army out into the sea

and he continues hey have you watched the return to macon county?

i'm shaking off clean and i say making?

-the return of MACON county

oh the return of MAKE-UN county, no

-well you know it's a car movie, i know you're not really into that

i'm done and out the stall and say well you never know

another silence for a few seconds as i do my hygienic ritual

and then my parting words:

well i will leave you to it coach

...

that was a great story though i did only read the line breaks and not the sentences btwn them

https://images1.miaminewtimes.com/imager/marco-rubio-pleads-for-tolerance-for-his/u/original/6560364/marco_rubio_thumb_560x383.jpg

the prohibition on talking while going to the washroom in islam is good imo

please never refer to your penis as the dragon ever again

or any penis for that matter

just don't

i have a snake

Xp

Tbf that name was bestowed to my member by another person (a woman), not me

I’m just trying to remain an objective observer as all great writers have been

i don't shit in a multi-stalled bathroom at work

we put in a single-use gender-neutral bathroom and that's what i use

I am such a quiet stealth pooper at work that I admire the women who blow the place up while other people are having conversations by the sinks.

Our HR person makes such horrific noises and sighs so much when she's in the stall that someone requested they pipe music in and they actually did.

Every place needs to pipe in music. It's such a stupid thing that they don't. I love all the toilets in Japan that have a button for white noise or music.

i like to sound an airhorn continuously while i poop at work

someone needs to invent a reverse-panopticon bathroom design where no one can see (or hear) anyone

Toilets here are generally in fully walled stalls so you can’t hear others

must be nice. today someone pulled the ol' peep thru the crack in the stall to see if it was truly occupied but i'm not psychotic enough to hang a strip of toilet paper over the crack while i go

The single stall/handicap bathroom at work (unknown people would come from other floors to poop in it lol) had the worst design. The lock was one of those that you weren't ever sure if it was fully locked, when you went to test it, it would unlock. And the toilet was far from the door, so if the door was indeed not locked and someone walked in, you would have to stand up and run three steps to the door to shove it close. I understand that the room needed the space but that f'ing lock.

A bar I used to go to in Prague had a single toilet in a long room, with a door with a broken lock that opened up to the whole room. And that wasn't even the worst thing about the place, it was a skinhead bar we only ever went to because we knew we could buy weed there.

xp I discovered a while ago that the cubicle doors at my work are easy to unlock from the outside. luckily I feel like I do not work with anyone who would do such a thing and I'm usually paranoid enough to make sure nothing would be visible by default anyway, but still not ideal

(the lock indicator was in a halfway position and I'd already checked the cubicle was empty but for some reason decided to push the outside of the lock gently with my finger, and in fact the entire lock could move all the way from locked to open and back by swiping the outside vacancy indicator)

current peeve: the sanitary bin is taller than the toilet seat and barely an inch away from it so if you are a larger lady you have to arrange yourself quite carefully on the seat to avoid the bin touching your bare thigh

I keep thinking about complaining about this and then thinking of the horror of writing to the facilities guy to say "hello, here is how fat I am, now think about my bare thighs. signed, a fatty"

splashback solution:

https://i.imgur.com/iLMx1kU.png

i used to be self conscious about doing this but now I just fucking dump it out. don't even care.

better than letting whistlers fly at the desk

boss makes a dollar, i make a dime
that's why i poop on company time

I go to other floors so I won't run into my direct coworkers. It's not shame, specifically. Nor is it a denial that I have bodily functions, it's more like... I want to preserve an arm's length distance between me and my immediate coworkers.

I prefer to be a bit of a mystery, and to retain a zone of privacy. I don't even like to eat in the office if I can possibly avoid it. I don't want to go to lunch with coworkers, or drinks after.

I am here to work and that's it. I already have friends. I already have a family. I don't need work peeps to be either entity.

or work poops amirite

Wokka wokka

I poop at work every day and it’s been pretty amazing lately, just word class poops that leave me weak-kneed

Been desperate to tell someone

congrats, getting paid to poop is the best

Pooping at work is mandatory. What is the key here is not getting splashed with yr own deuce juice by a zealous auto-flush.

i will admit, before I was virtual, i definitely milked bathroom time. it was the best. a 20-30 minute break, bring the boombox into the can and play your fav jams