I used to want satisfying sex, now I just want 300 followers on Instagram: ILX gayz autumn sunrise 2015

meanwhile the new gender bender Ozon drama has me spinning, not least because a woefully truncated shower scene b/w Raphaël Personnaz and Romain Duris

ah, here we are:

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-e5Jrvedf1Ho/VdSZ3eRhjNI/AAAAAAACzLs/o2fECFRm7lw/s400/romain%2Bduris%2BRaphael%2BPersonnaz%2Bshower%2B1.gif

https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtp1/t31.0-8/1404800_10151792820452358_429573377_o.jpg

i had a nice guy over last night - he brought rose

Hi gays

This one day last week I went out with my boyfriend to a Vietnamese restaurant and we had pho and it was really tasty, and we were actually kind of joking a little bit, having a good time, which felt so unfamiliar and good. As we left, the server asked us what we were up to and we told her we were going home to watch Mr. Robot. I said, "it's good for him (my bf) to watch that show, the lead character (who has social anxiety disorder) is me, it's teaching him about what it's like to be me." My bf asked, "who am I on that show?" I said, "nobody, honey, that show is about smart people." He smacked me and then joked, "my password is... "password"". We laughed about that until we were crying and it felt good and great for the first time in so so long.

The next night we went out to see Micachu, the show was great but I'm not drinking much these days because the alcohol makes me totally insane. So after one drink and several sparkling waters, and the show's end around 1am, I told my boyfriend I'd see him at home. The venue owner (a friend of ours) was lining up shots, and I didn't want to spoil my boyfriend's good night, so I hugged him and left. He texted me at 2am saying he was going to an after party; I was asleep by then.

The next morning he wasn't at home. He comes home way late at least once a week, usually from being out partying, and I'm used to him sleeping on the couch-- a considerate gesture considering he snores when drunk. But he wasn't home at all. I assumed that he'd crashed at a friends place, and went out to do the grocery shopping for my pop-up restaurant the next day. I texted him to ask him to meet me there, and he said he was very hungover but that he'd come.

We shopped and it was fun, but I could tell something was ~way~ weird with him, he was distracted and acting strangely. I asked him what he'd gotten up to the night before, and he said "I don't want to talk about it." And I said, well, we kind of have to talk about it, no? You didn't come home! "Oh, I went to a Micachu show with you and your uncle, remember?" ...yes, and then what happened? "Well... the show was good. We hung out with Mica afterward." ...yes, I was there for that, then what happened? "Meyer bought us shots and we had them and you walked your uncle home." ...I know, I was there, what happened after that? you have to tell me 'cause otherwise I just assume the worst, that you did coke and fucked some strangers. "Well... I went to an after party with Marilis." Yes, I got that text. "And they had this kind of weird lemongrassy tequila there? anyway I got really wasted." ...uh huh, then what? "Well, Airick was there and so was John and there were all these art students there." ...and then what happened? When are you going to get to the part where you fell asleep somewhere else? "Oh... well, there were these guys there that were really cute and I ended up having sex with them and sleeping over at their place." ... "And I'm really hungover which ~sucks~ and I had so much to do today... and maybe I should stop drinking... and I been thinking about going into therapy..."

And at this point I was tearing up and needed to throw up, it's taken me all summer to get the image of him and my best friend screwing all day out of my head, and I've been BEGGING him for more inclusivity and more intimacy, and BEGGING for him to stop drinking so much and to get into therapy, and he says, "What's wrong, why are you crying?"

And I said, "You just told me you had sex last night with some strangers" and he said "well, we didn't have SEX sex. Or at least, I don't think we did. I didn't come. Or like... I don't remember if I came or not" and the ambiguity of this entire exchange had me full on sobbing, and he said "I don't understand why you'd be so upset"

So I kicked him out, we're breaking up, twelve years together hahaha it's crazy. He's moving his stuff out over the next couple weeks.

I feel, as I did last month, completely unsexual. My joke these days is "dick and ass are for pee and poo" which I've just abbreviated to "pee and poo" and it's my new favourite expression, and I wrote this poem about it:

Ass and dick are for poo and pee
Sex for you? No sex for me.
Dick and ass are for pee and poo
I will never love again

Team FGTI right here.

i'm so sorry. i have been with my boyfriend for 13 years and we almost broke up 5 times this summer. i am so sorry. you will love again. i would recommend listening to Mary J Blige's London Sessions. specially Long Hard Look, Whole Damn Year, and Therapy. big hugs.

but ps, good for you for having the balls to kick him out.

Few things are more horrible than hungover confessions at 2 p.m, whether giving them or admitting them.

hugs & gentle thoughts for you, fgti. tough way for it all to end.

on the other hand, pop-up restaurant? sounds like you have something to preoccupy you for a time, at least

after 8 years of monogamy my relationship opened up a little bit this summer & its been pretty good, definitely fun, but it has involved an exhaustive amount of dialogue & emotional processing, which thankfully we're pretty practiced at. pretty sure it's only going to be an occasional thing but its been a positive experience.

<3 to all itt

x

be well y'all

i am a rock, i am an island

dang, fgti. best of everything to you

<3 thanks, the pop-up went well we sold out of scotch eggs, I did scoring work for Kanye which was cool, I'm reading books again and things are going fine aside from the crippling loneliness and unbearably low self-esteem I've been feeling, googling "cuddle montreal" and messaging ex-lovers and friends compulsively and asking them "why am I so unboyfriendable", smoking compulsively, generally feeling and looking like the worst person on the planet right now but aside from that yeah yeah doing fine and cool ty

12 years together is pretty boyfriendable, bbz. Sorry to hear about the break up though, of course.

looking like the worst person on the planet right now

pix or it didn't happen

Have sort of been waiting for someone to point out the bigger issue, which doesn't feel to be entirely about the movie itself (bad though I'm sure it is).

http://www.slate.com/blogs/outward/2015/09/24/stonewall_roland_emmerich_s_controversial_movie_about_the_lgbt_riots_of.html

i'm refraining from opining about it either way until i actually see the thing (which, at my current moviegoing rate, will be in about 15 years)

but speaking of gay history, i've been going through leslie feinberg's 'lavender & red' columns from workers world these past few days - some really great stuff here, and each column is fairly bite-sized, which i like. i didn't know, eg, about pre-mattachine harry hay canvassing against the korean war at the gay beach in santa monica, or that sylvia rivera was affiliated with the young lords

http://www.workers.org/lavender-red/

gay activists giving a hoot about other issues -- quaint

Pop-up resto was good, I made scotch eggs, monte cristos (turkey, swiss and fresh basil leaves on raisin bread, dipped in eggs+milk+vanilla and fried), hanger steak on a bun with homemade mayo and shallot+red wine sauce, and a rather unpopular but delicious raspberry champagne sabayon for dessert.

Had a jogging date with a guy who is cute but our relationship is def pee and poo. He said "you look fucking hot what are you talking about" when I showed up and that was nice. Then I spent last night planning to avoid internet and irl people and stay in and read and listen to records, but ended up chatting with an ex-lover all night and it resulted in sexy pics and expressed desires to cross an ocean to be with each other <3 <3 </3 </3

Re: ex-bf. Our last phone call ended up with him laundry-listing all my faults, which I am already very aware of, and am in exercise/on meds/sober/in therapy to try and fix, no acknowledgement of any things he could do to change/fix things for either Us or for Himself, me crying a lot, him accusing me of crying-for-the-purpose-of-emotional-manipulation, which made me near hysterical, and eventually we agreed to communicate only via e-mail for the time being. He said he'd write me, 36 hours later he hasn't :(

jeezus who really needs a catalog of their faults past age 25

After then, we need an encyclopedia.

We talked on the phone, it's done

I'm watching Shoot the Moon rn in your honor.

"Alien Observer" on repeat over here

i almost broke up with the bf for the 6th time last night? i too am the fucked up one quote unquote, but i'm not nearly as fucked up quote unquote as i used to be, like at all, except now i drink too much, because i gave all of my other fucked up things up. except weed. anyway, point being, i am really so sorry, again, and i can relate, more than you know. i get angry when he tries to "fix" me because i'm not "damaged" but i have dealt with damage and sometimes he doesn't acknowledge that. and i'm never going to be that wife who just nods and says OK but he's also never going to be the wife who doesn't expect the world so finding that middle ground has been a bitch. i wind up talking myself in sentences and loops that eventually become mind-dumbing, and crying, and then i get the "why are you crying" look too and that also sends me over the edge because, i don't know, it's obvious why and i'm obviously not enjoying it so. yeah. i get it. and if you ever need to talk you can send me a message.

I almost assaulted an impossibly handsome former student/friend during drinks on Thursday. Me: Now that you're single, I should help you pick your clothes. Him: I'm sure you will.

good goin' bro

winter is usually when i go out all the time so with everything that has gone down this summer (i literally fell down the stairs on Friday, if that isn't the end of summer i don't know what is) who the F knows what the snow has in store for me! we'll seeeeeeeee!!!!!!

you guyz are really giving a Hell Is Other People seminar this weekend. (except for Alfred's former student, i'd like to buy him a drink)

i'm looking forward to fearing slipping on ice and snapping my bones for the 5 months of winter we now have in NYC every year.

but til then there's the NY Film Fest and the METS!

yay!!! i know we're being a bit, how to say it, MORBID.

me crying a lot, him accusing me of crying-for-the-purpose-of-emotional-manipulation

this is supremely shitty and your ex belongs in the garbage imho

to be fair a lot of things get said in those conversations. he may very well belong in the garbage but i've said plenty of shitty things too, as has RQ.

What surm said.

We are frequently shitty to the people we love, as shitty as that is.

i dunno, i reacted strongly to that because i've been accused of the same, though not by my partner, but by my parents. "you're feelings aren't real; you're only performing them to manipulate me" is an extremely narcissistic attitude and betrays as a complete lack of compassion towards emotional distress.

i learned to conceal my emotions as a result, and when they do come out it can be overwhelming. basically any powerful emotion makes me cry, and in my relationship i've had to make clear when it happens that it's not strategic.

so anyway, my claim that he should be thrown in the garbage stands, with an amendment that such garbage should be fed to pigs.

i totally feel you and have been accused of the same by my parents and other people in my life. it's pretty horrible and you have to fight it.

obvious your / you're typo there, but you get what i mean xp

I know, right? Honestly, so much of his behaviour has been actually Emotionally Abusive and it's been funny that, like, I'm able to observe it as abusive and yet still feel the effects of it. It's not like "your hurtful statements are read at face value", but more like "why would you make such hurtful statements to me when I love you so much?"

Anyway we met face to face and are angling toward reconciliation, but still have a lot to do. It sounds so annoying I am annoying I am the worst but I gave him a list of changes he needed to make if we were going to stay coupled.

you're neither annoying nor the worst and i really hope with whatever happens between you & your guy that he stops being shitty to you

i got to a point where i was past the line of entertaining any kind of intimidation. i have dealt with it in the past, and eventually i just started fighting back in a big way. people will not respect you if you don't. now i'm trying to compromise - pick my battles - but it's a tough line.

anyway i fractured 3 ribs on Friday! i'm practicing telling people so i don't like a complete idiot if it comes up at work. i'm going to take "Tylenol 3"

ramz!

how did you fracture three ribs

i fell down a flight of stairs

i'm ok though

I didn't even presume you had bones at all until now, b**.

i do. and now i have to let them rest. like an engine that's been on for too long. as long as i'm in good shape by Halloween everything is OK

I still don't have a Halloween costume. Help me!

that sounds like a fair trade to me. xp

other Vietnamese taste objects

may I have their measurements?

just going to post this here because i've been thinking about what i value in my relationship

“The idea of having one love in your life was not an aspiration for us,” Hal said, when I ask him what it was like to be the primary love object of a queer theorist who wrote so prolifically about the complexities of desire and relationships. Later, Hal referenced D. W. Winnicott’s concept of the “holding environment,” in which the mother creates a safe space for the child that allows the child to then look out into the world, to think about something else beyond the mother’s care. Eve used this idea in her work. Hal offered it as a way of thinking about what they both did for one another.

“Yesterday when you asked me about love,” he wrote the next day, in an e-mail, “I talked a little about Winnicott’s ‘holding environment’ and my notion of a mutuality in which Eve and I provided that for each other. But there’s more to love than that. Here’s another aspect of it that was essential to Eve and to me.” He then quoted from “A Dialogue on Love.”

Oh, right, I keep forgetting, for lots and lots of people in the world, the notion of “falling in love” has (of all things) sexual connotations. No, that’s not what I think is happening. For me, what falling in love means is different. It’s a matter of suddenly, globally, “knowing” that another person represents your only access to some vitally
transmissible truth
or radiantly heightened
mode of perception,
and that if you lose the thread of this intimacy, both your soul and your whole world might subsist forever in some desert-like state of ontological impoverishment.

http://www.newyorker.com/books/page-turner/between-us-a-queer-theorists-devoted-husband-and-enduring-legacy

omg yes

Crying rn! Thank you mattresslessness

oh and i was about to post, sorry for weepie lol

I was trying to figure a way to make the trip, fgti, but it's not looking great...

Because no gay man has ever loved me, let me change the flow. Any rec'd gay book lists for the year? Alfred, have you read The Gay revolution?

I'm slowly plugging away at A Little Life like the NPR-listening soccer mom I am.

I checked The Gay Revolution out of the library on Tuesday morning; I'm starting it as soon as I finish quasi-gay Muriel Spark's The Mandelbaum Gate.

The fight+argument=fargument continues. On my end it's just like "holy shit, if your boyfriend is saying 'initiate more sex with me' isn't the solution as easy as tackling him and getting to work?" Why does it have to turn into a discussion. I don't know what to do. Asking for intimacy is like a lose-lose game, like begging someone to love you. I'm just counting the minutes til I see my other lover again, and worrying about what I'll do when that relationship inevitably concludes.

Dealing with other human beings is often a pain in the ass. I hope this works out for you.

Reeling again tbh and I'm not sure if I'll ever snap out of this cycle.

I'm too intimidated to bring it to the depression thread tho.

will a martini help -- very dry?

I'd like to think so.

g'luck fellas

Someone at work reminds me that I generally have a thing for Jewish guys with prominent noses, but have slept with very few.

have you slept w/the Jewish guys?

no, just the noses

i'm living in the wrong city

Be glad you're not saying "world" yet.

what's going on

currently an unemployed deadbeat squeezing every last cent out of a severance package. kind of loving it though.

gay as ever…

heyyyy lou!

loulou! <3

*cues Rock n Roll Animal version of "Sweet Jane"*

for xmas my bub got me a gengoroh tagame tank!! <3 <3

http://i.imgur.com/EVoRWzJ.jpg

looks very hot. hi.

hi surm!!

hi!! xoxx

is that lou up there? lou, i've been meaning to find you

so somebody give me the lowdown on fall. three sentences would be sufficient but feel free to expound if you like.

fall?

yes didn't it just end? i wasn't around for it so i was just curious if there were a general tone around these parts.

how's it going ramz?!

no job + warm enough to wear shorts in December = my favorite fall in a while

good!! that sounds very nice :) just been thinking about you is all. would be great if we can chat sometime

i've been listening to Erotica lately, it's very fun to get ready to

fall fell
yes, i enjoyed all the manlegs from our extinction-ready mildness
worst Christmas drama ever, do fall esp looks good now

lovin' the stray gray in the beard, C!

start winter thread

best post thx

My momma made me learn this song: a gay Winter for 2015