shit that looks like an onion article but isn't

he just wants to date a vermeer what's wrong with that

http://www.nbcphiladelphia.com/news/local/Christie-Kicked-out-of-Amtrak-Quiet-Car-336906541.html

http://www.timesofisrael.com/watch-gaza-family-names-baby-boy-knife-of-jerusalem/

Comedy fan who collapses every time she laughs says her favourite stand-up Lee Evans could kill her

The DiCaprio one looks like Clickhole

http://m.chron.com/news/houston-texas/texas/article/Happiest-mugshot-in-America-belongs-to-this-6620025.php

I dunno, that's about average in Texas.

http://i.imgur.com/vXwpqaa.jpg

http://www.charlotteobserver.com/opinion/article45163665.html

And because you are a role model, your behavior brought out like behavior in the stands. Some of the Panthers fans in our section began taunting the hometown fans. Many Titans fans booed you, a few offering instructive, but not necessarily family friendly, suggestions as to how you might change your behavior.

My daughter sensed the change immediately – and started asking questions. Won’t he get in trouble for doing that? Is he trying to make people mad? Do you think he knows he looks like a spoiled brat?

I didn’t have great answers for her, and honestly, in an effort to minimize your negative impact and what was otherwise a really fun day, I redirected her attention to the cheerleaders and mascot.

New Documentary Chronicles the Story of the Pogues' Shane MacGowan Getting New Teeth

http://pitchfork.com/news/62237-new-documentary-chronicles-the-story-of-the-pogues-shane-macgowan-getting-new-teeth/

http://i.imgur.com/is9iEl1.png

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/grade-point/wp/2015/12/29/lawsuit-claims-teaching-assistants-at-amherst-were-told-to-sleep-with-students-to-boost-class-enrollment/

admittedly i don't read the onion, but good god does this sound like a parody:

"Three months without dating apps: It was harder than I expected"

http://www.theprovince.com/life/fashion-beauty/three+months+without+dating+apps+harder+than+expected/11630087/story.html

or maybe it's that i almost never used dating apps

an article about the onion that looks like an onion article

http://www.bloomberg.com/gadfly/articles/2016-01-19/onion-worth-more-than-washington-post-as-print-wilts

http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/three-6-mafia-star-remembers-867617

not the whole thing, but this part is clickholesque to me:

To be honest, I didn't know what the hell an Oscar was. So I Googled the word. And then I saw that gold man — and I was like, "Holy sheriff!" That woke me right up. I had heard of the Academy Awards, but I didn't know the name "Oscar" meant the Academy Awards. So I called Juicy J right back: "You mean the gold man?!" "That's right! It's for Hustle & Flow!"

lol otm, "the gold man"

haha

http://www.archdaily.com/783193/anish-kapoor-now-owns-the-rights-to-the-worlds-darkest-material

None more black. Though I was hoping "darkest material" meant the right to, like, joke about pedophilia.

Heartbreaking Photo Of Grandad Who Cooked For All Six Grandkids - But Only One Turned Up

https://www.yahoo.com/news/burger-and-cries-papaw-makes-dinner-for-101930480.html

http://www.smh.com.au/world/380-million-ship-may-be-named-boaty-mcboatface-thanks-to-an-online-poll-20160320-gnmtvx.html

http://nypost.com/2016/03/20/not-so-fast-on-banning-tipping-please-even-though-i-called-for-it/

xpost: the ship will be called Sir David McAttenboroughface, apparently.

( http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-36225652 )

http://www.theguardian.com/world/2016/may/05/baby-boxes-abortion-indiana-pro-life-safe-haven
http://www.safehavenbabyboxes.com/

i can't argue with it as a utility but connecting it with a pro-life agenda is ugly

http://www.aux.tv/2016/05/99-items-found-in-princes-secret-vault/

Those items need to be polled

I was also going to suggest a poll for the members of the Revolution and one for the NPG, but I think this should take precedence.

Budweiser Renames Its Beer "America"

"Millions of men every evening stand shoulder-to-shoulder in this great land and piss America..."

Now when someone offers to get me a beer I can say, "Anything but America."

^

"Step out of the car, I smell America on your breath"

Every child had a pretty good shot,

To get at least as far as his old man got,

But something happened on the way to that place,

He threw up America all over the place... hey hey hey... uh woe woe

http://www.standard.co.uk/news/london/elderly-polish-couple-buy-fabric-tickets-online-and-rave-until-5am-a3249571.html

Ravers: the man stole a dance with clubber Abbie Leek (Abbie Leek)

https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2016/may/18/google-patents-sticky-layer-self-driving-car-accidents

http://sfist.com/2016/05/23/rec_parks_pilot_program_allows_you.php

http://host.madison.com/wsj/news/local/crime-and-courts/duck-fat-spill-coated-downtown-sidewalks-madison-fire-says/article_34e045bf-1d2c-5fc9-b3c1-1712aa082a83.html

the last sentence in the duck fat link -

"The chef contracted to have the duck fat spill absorbed."

???

oops I get it.

http://www.nationalreview.com/article/436246/x-men-apocalypse-billboard-villain

http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2016/06/24/more-than-30-people-burned-in-motivational-speaker-tony-robbins-hot-coals-walk.html

"some people were not concentrating on walking across the coals because they were taking selfies and asking others to take video of them."

not really an onion article but the timing is...interesting.

front page of yahoo O_O

Lifestyle
Wow, Karma! Pride of Lions Kills 5 Poachers in Sneak Attack

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/boris-johnson-minister-theresa-may-cabinet-a7135371.html

"Boris Johnson named Foreign Secretary"

good to know that being eaten by lions is primarily a "lifestyle" issue.

Drunk idiot who scaled airport fence to board planes caught out by receipt for Mr Blobby biscuit

http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/news/scottish-news/drunk-idiot-who-scaled-airport-8415425#DLmJ8SWiuPD25pjv.97

No link, but biking past our local NPR station this morning I saw this on their scrolling news marquee: "WISH GRANTED - SIX-YEAR-OLD BOY TO BE GARBAGEMAN FOR A DAY."

6-Year-Old Boy's Wish To Be A 'Garbage Man' Granted

http://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2016/07/27/487604365/6-year-old-boys-wish-to-be-a-garbage-man-granted